Baby Got Beard
To the tune of Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back"
Disclaimer: "Baby Got Back" belongs to Sir Mix-a-lot, as well as some record company I'm sure. Dumbledore belongs to J.K. Rowling. Gandalf belongs to Tolkien, the folks who did a wonderful job on the movie, and probably even Burger King has a small claim on him. Merlin belongs to no one, because he has been around since the dawn of time, and is quite possibly still in our midst. But thank you T.H. White, Disney, and Marion Zimmer Bradley for painting such a wonderful picture of him. [Also: see disclaimer-ish thing at the bottom of the page]
Author's note: OK, I'm not really this obsessed with hair. It just goes with the song. Throughout my hormonal life as a teenager I've managed to have crushes not on the typical medevil "hunks", but instead on Merlin, Gandalf, and Dumbledore (yes, I admit it). Hey, they're all funny, intelligent guys! Not to mention they aren't being written about in romances by hundreds of girls, so I get them all to myself! Anywho, I noticed last night while gazing happily at my new "Gandalf" backround that they all have enormous beards. I guess the song just zoomed out of nowhere at me because I suddenly found myself singing:
Oh my god
Becky, look at his beard
It is SO big
He looks like one of those ninth-level wizards
Who understands those wizards anyway
They only get girls by using spells and stuff
I mean his beard
It's just so big
I can't believe it's so... gray
It's just like, out there
I mean, gross
Look, he's just so... OLD
I like big beards and I cannot lie
You maidens now you can't deny
That when a mage walks in
Wit that pointed hat
And that gray thing on display you get DID
That is, Damsel In Distress
Cause you know that you wanna be res-cued
Deep in the them hairs he's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, mage-y I wanna get with ya
And paint your picture
My handmaids try to warn me
But that beard you got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, no visible skin
From beneath that old guy's chin
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average loopy
I've seen them chantin
And want to get romancin'
He's tall. Thin. But without that beard he ain't nothin.
I'm tired of magazines
Saying cleanshaven is the thing
Take this girl and tell her that
And you'll get called a prat
So damsels (yeah?) damsels (yeah?)
Has your Prince Charming got a beard (What? Yuck!)
Well that's super (whatever!) super (whatever!) that just means there's more for me
Baby got beard
I like'em long and gray
But white's OK
Just as long as you got that hat
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And COMB, double up COMB COMB
I aint talkin bout dwarf braids
Those hot-tempered dudes can't kiss anyway
I wannem real thick and hairy
So find that hairy double
Cinderella's in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that stubble
So I'm watchin fantasy videos
Knonkin these heros shavin even their toes
You can have them heros
I want my men who "incanto"
A word to those great old wizards
Yeah Dumbledore, Merlin
And Gandalf too
I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --
Til the break of dawn
They all got it goin on
Alot of maidens won't like this song
Cuz those girls like their men with strong chins
But I'd kiss Albus anyday
Cuz he's good
And he's wise
And he's got twinkling blue eyes
So mages (yeah!) mages (yeah!)
Will you save me from the Dragon's cages? (yeah!)
Then storm the castle
Wave it out
And use that wand like 'ell
Baby got beard
Yeah baby
When it comes to crushes?
Aragorn ain't got nothin to do with my selection
Less than two feet of hair?
Ha ha, only if he's 2'3"
So your baby has a clean chin
And uses a sword for killin
But swords ain't got no magic inside of them
My tender lips they don't want non unless you got whiskers hun
You can trim those little sideburns
But please don't lose that beard
Some damsels wanna be prissy
And tell you that the beard is for a sissy
So they toss it
And leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So commoners call you Dingbat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your hair is gray and your power is awesome
And I'm thinking I could use some
To the muscular heros in Dragon Magazine,
You aint it Mr. Thing
I'd rather have a wizard
Even if he's got a pet lizard
So now I'm here in bliss
With all the guys from my list
Cause the girls don't see nothin in 'em
And I pulled up quick to get with 'em
So mages if the beard is LONG
And you want to hear the rest of my song,
Dial 1-900-CAMALOT and stroke that long white hair
Baby got beard
A/N: Please don't be an idiot. DON'T call 1-900-CAMELOT, because it doesn't exist, and if it does, well, you'll be in trouble. I'm not using it to promote any 900 number services, it just FITS with the song, OK? Geez, you people cause so much trouble. :-D
P.S. Yes, I know I also have this posted in the LotR section. But if you read the summary, it says why.
P.P.S. Ah ha. Having just read that you're not supposed to post things twice on ff.net, even crossovers, I have changed a few words in this song. If you're a ff.net official reading this, I don't mean to go "nyeah nyeah," I just want to keep it here so I can keep my reviews. If you really have a problem with it, let me know and I'll take it down.
To the tune of Sir Mix-a-lot's "Baby Got Back"
Disclaimer: "Baby Got Back" belongs to Sir Mix-a-lot, as well as some record company I'm sure. Dumbledore belongs to J.K. Rowling. Gandalf belongs to Tolkien, the folks who did a wonderful job on the movie, and probably even Burger King has a small claim on him. Merlin belongs to no one, because he has been around since the dawn of time, and is quite possibly still in our midst. But thank you T.H. White, Disney, and Marion Zimmer Bradley for painting such a wonderful picture of him. [Also: see disclaimer-ish thing at the bottom of the page]
Author's note: OK, I'm not really this obsessed with hair. It just goes with the song. Throughout my hormonal life as a teenager I've managed to have crushes not on the typical medevil "hunks", but instead on Merlin, Gandalf, and Dumbledore (yes, I admit it). Hey, they're all funny, intelligent guys! Not to mention they aren't being written about in romances by hundreds of girls, so I get them all to myself! Anywho, I noticed last night while gazing happily at my new "Gandalf" backround that they all have enormous beards. I guess the song just zoomed out of nowhere at me because I suddenly found myself singing:
Oh my god
Becky, look at his beard
It is SO big
He looks like one of those ninth-level wizards
Who understands those wizards anyway
They only get girls by using spells and stuff
I mean his beard
It's just so big
I can't believe it's so... gray
It's just like, out there
I mean, gross
Look, he's just so... OLD
I like big beards and I cannot lie
You maidens now you can't deny
That when a mage walks in
Wit that pointed hat
And that gray thing on display you get DID
That is, Damsel In Distress
Cause you know that you wanna be res-cued
Deep in the them hairs he's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, mage-y I wanna get with ya
And paint your picture
My handmaids try to warn me
But that beard you got
Makes me so horny
Ooh, no visible skin
From beneath that old guy's chin
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average loopy
I've seen them chantin
And want to get romancin'
He's tall. Thin. But without that beard he ain't nothin.
I'm tired of magazines
Saying cleanshaven is the thing
Take this girl and tell her that
And you'll get called a prat
So damsels (yeah?) damsels (yeah?)
Has your Prince Charming got a beard (What? Yuck!)
Well that's super (whatever!) super (whatever!) that just means there's more for me
Baby got beard
I like'em long and gray
But white's OK
Just as long as you got that hat
I'm actin like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And COMB, double up COMB COMB
I aint talkin bout dwarf braids
Those hot-tempered dudes can't kiss anyway
I wannem real thick and hairy
So find that hairy double
Cinderella's in trouble
Beggin for a piece of that stubble
So I'm watchin fantasy videos
Knonkin these heros shavin even their toes
You can have them heros
I want my men who "incanto"
A word to those great old wizards
Yeah Dumbledore, Merlin
And Gandalf too
I gotta be straight when I say I wanna --
Til the break of dawn
They all got it goin on
Alot of maidens won't like this song
Cuz those girls like their men with strong chins
But I'd kiss Albus anyday
Cuz he's good
And he's wise
And he's got twinkling blue eyes
So mages (yeah!) mages (yeah!)
Will you save me from the Dragon's cages? (yeah!)
Then storm the castle
Wave it out
And use that wand like 'ell
Baby got beard
Yeah baby
When it comes to crushes?
Aragorn ain't got nothin to do with my selection
Less than two feet of hair?
Ha ha, only if he's 2'3"
So your baby has a clean chin
And uses a sword for killin
But swords ain't got no magic inside of them
My tender lips they don't want non unless you got whiskers hun
You can trim those little sideburns
But please don't lose that beard
Some damsels wanna be prissy
And tell you that the beard is for a sissy
So they toss it
And leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So commoners call you Dingbat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your hair is gray and your power is awesome
And I'm thinking I could use some
To the muscular heros in Dragon Magazine,
You aint it Mr. Thing
I'd rather have a wizard
Even if he's got a pet lizard
So now I'm here in bliss
With all the guys from my list
Cause the girls don't see nothin in 'em
And I pulled up quick to get with 'em
So mages if the beard is LONG
And you want to hear the rest of my song,
Dial 1-900-CAMALOT and stroke that long white hair
Baby got beard
A/N: Please don't be an idiot. DON'T call 1-900-CAMELOT, because it doesn't exist, and if it does, well, you'll be in trouble. I'm not using it to promote any 900 number services, it just FITS with the song, OK? Geez, you people cause so much trouble. :-D
P.S. Yes, I know I also have this posted in the LotR section. But if you read the summary, it says why.
P.P.S. Ah ha. Having just read that you're not supposed to post things twice on ff.net, even crossovers, I have changed a few words in this song. If you're a ff.net official reading this, I don't mean to go "nyeah nyeah," I just want to keep it here so I can keep my reviews. If you really have a problem with it, let me know and I'll take it down.
