Third time lucky
She kind of likes the way Barney's lip curls when he comes.
Trouble is, now Robin's seen it, every time he does that expression, even fleetingly, it reminds her of how much sex she's not getting.
And she kind of hates that he's ruined her plans twice in a row. It's really irritating. Now she has to find another really good excuse to sleep with him. After all, it's Barney. It will have to be a damn good excuse for it to over-ride the normal, human disgust that any right-thinking girl would feel at the thought of having sex with the king of all the sewer rats. So, she strategises…
Mission: To have more guilt-free sex with Barney Stinson.
Plan A: Get drunk at Ted's wedding and "conveniently" forget to book a room.
Plausibility: Perfect. She'd just lost her job, just argued with Ted and had a whole bottle of great scotch in her purse to share with Barney. It wasn't her fault that he was such a dog that she'd caught him mid-hookup. How could she have forgotten that was what texting was for? She blamed the jet lag.
Result: Busted.
Plan B: Make the excuse that, since she's Canadian, she totally has the uncontrollable hots for any guy who fights.
Plausibility: Well, it's not exactly a lie but she's amazed that no-one saw through the over-the-top revert-igo act she just pulled. She even thought she'd covered her bases by feigning interest in all the guys equally but now she realises how obvious she was being. She swears that Marshall ruined it for her deliberately.
Result: Super busted.
Plan C: Hmmm…
She wants to hurt Marshall right now for his death blow to Plan B but, you know, Ted was right. Marshall is kind-of scary. Like a bear that looks cuddly till you poke it and you realise those cute, seemingly-soft paws actually have huge claws attached to them.
Plus, if Marshall called slut for her sleeping with Mitch, then what in the hell would he call her if she slept with Barney again?
So, Plan C is what exactly?
She mentally goes through Lily's list of "Fifty reasons to have sex" but none of those are good enough. None of those are nearly good enough to give her the excuse she needs, or that she will need if (when) she has to explain this to Ted and the others.
So, Barney's standing at the bar, surrounded by three (count 'em) women. She wonders vaguely if he has some kind of trophy for riding the, what would it be, the quad bike? Perhaps he has a golden chalice or something? Barney does that lip curl thing and in that moment it's almost as if she's back in her bedroom, back to that night with him inside her and it's feeling so good because he's teased her for, like, hours…
She shakes herself and Lily sits down heavily on the bench opposite her. "Hey!" Lily greets her happily and Robin takes the opportunity to catch up with her friend without the guys crowding them.
"So, how are things going with Ted?" Lily asks her, an evil glint in her eye.
"Oh, fine," Robin replies, until she catches a brief snippet of couple-telepathy and realises that Lily's implying something. "Hey, no. Don't even go there."
Lily shrugs with a grin. "Only one "no"? Well, that's a relief. You really are over him, then?"
Robin gave her a bemused look. "Ted? Of course. There's nothing between us. Well…" She thinks about it. "Perhaps there is. I'm still fond of him and there's some sort of bond. But I really don't want to even go there." No matter how desperate I am, she continues in her mind. Weird, though, how she's completely uninterested in hooking up with Ted (who at least would be understandable in a "friends-with-benefits" way) but instead she's jones-ing on Barney like he's the last pair of Markitas on the rack.
"Hmm…" She muses.
"You got someone else in mind?" Lily enquires. Damn this telepathy!
"Nah. But you were right when you said that I need to get out there, try and find someone a little bit more serious than Mitch!"
Lily laughs along with her. "Perhaps you should go out with Barney-" She begins and Robin tries not to choke on her beer before she manages to process the rest of the sentence. "-and get him to be your wingman?" Lily takes a swig of her own drink, looking pretty innocent. "After all, as much crap as Barney talks, he does seem to be fairly successful with Ted. I bet he could find a few guys for you."
The thought seems strange to her and gives her this twisty-turn-y feeling inside that she doesn't want to think about so she just nods calmly as if she's considering it. "You know, I did set him up with this super-hot chick pretty recently so he does owe me one. Maybe, Lily. That's not a bad idea."
But Lily just laughs. "Jeez, Robin, you really must be desperate.
Robin looks rueful. "Yeah, I guess I really must be."
*--*--*
Plan C: Go out bro-ing with him and wait for him to come on to her.
Plausibility: Low. She's always said no in the past and she'd forgotten than he'd stopped the sleazebag routine with her a long time ago. They spent a fun evening playing Laser tag and then having a Kurosawa marathon with Ted. Barney tells her he scored three phone numbers in the waiting room after Laser tag due to the "bored, lonely Mom/housewife syndrome creating so many cougars these days"…
Result: Non-starter.
*--*--*
It was just unfair how many bimbos got to have sex with him. After all, she could bimbo with the best of them, couldn't she? She could Woo. She'd proved that she could Woo. She'd even caught him checking out her ass while she'd Woo'd. Perhaps that was the thing. Perhaps she had to embrace her inner hoe-bag for a while.
Plan D: Slut up!
Plausibility: Medium. She said she was going on a date and wore a skirt so short that she was practically getting a gynaecological exam from every guy in the bar. Barney's eyes were on stalks the whole time but with Ted, Marshall and Lily watching her, she was cock-blocked. She couldn't take it any further. She didn't even feel like she could let her bare leg touch him when they sat next to each other in the booth. It was horrible. But it made everyone laugh that he disengaged from the conversation entirely and just stared at her all evening. On the plus side, she'd got six numbers that night. Later, when she'd changed and he'd stopped looking at her like she was dinner, she'd asked him about all those 70s and 80s sitcom titles he kept spouting that she'd never heard of. He'd given her an odd look and she'd backed off.
Result: Great way to attract guys but not necessarily the right guy.
Hold on - Barney was the right guy? Robin leans forward and bangs her head against the kitchen counter-top. Things were getting really, really bad.
