Author's Note:

More important Rachel: As any Potterhead knows, the characters all have their problems…Rachel (least important one) and I just decided to enhance those faults thus creating a PARODY! Not only will you get to hear about HP but also about the crazy things fan-fiction writers do in order to create the puuurfect story. Confused, you won't be after this exciting episode of Cornucopia of Love.

Dear Diary, 9/7/97

Today Bill and Fleur are getting married…today. They should really be thanking me for that. It's all because of that Triwizard Tournament. You know that one where I won, like, a trillion galleons. By the way diary, I still think I got totally jipped on that awards ceremony. Honestly, because Diggory just had to go and get himself killed. Bloody wanker. Death. Deathdeathdeathdeathdeath. Oh…oh dear…that makes me think of Dumbledore. I…I can't talk about this anymore…

Harry slowly closed the diary while wiping a tear from his sparkling green orbs.

"Harry, dear, come down to get your robes for the wedding," Mrs. Weasley called up to him.

Harry fumbled around blindly for the lock to his diary, the secret keeper to all of his innermost thoughts. He walked with hair in his eyes, his head down, and his back slumped over but not because he was sad. He had inherited scoliosis from his dear old pa, Harold, his dead mother's father.

Walking down the stairs, Harry bumped into…someone…Luna almost fell down the stairs, her radish earrings swinging violently, eyes glazed over with a far off, dreamy look. Harry quickly swiped his hair dreamily to the side as Luna said,

"Are you getting your robes for the wedding, Harry?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Be sure to watch for pogrebins…father says that the lack of pomegranate seeds have led them to small country estates."

"Don't worry about me, Luna. My robes were custom made…robes because, you know, since my parents are dead, they left me, like, a trillion galleons."

But she didn't even hear him, for when he looked up he saw her royal blue poncho whipping around the corner.

"Can anyone stand to look and speak to me for more than five minutes?!" Harry sobbed to himself. He took a deep breath and re-applied his eyeliner before going downstairs.

Harry sashayed into the kitchen so that everyone would notice his greatness.

"S'up G," Harry said, acknowledging Ginny crouched in a corner. He was feeling quite gangster today…

"Harry dear, take your robes up and change into them quickly or you're going to miss the wedding!" said Mrs. Weasley. She continued to rattle on about all the things she needed to do to prepare for the wedding but Harry wasn't really paying attention. He was way to busy figuring which shade of black nail-polish would best match his robes.

"Eeet eez so woonderfull to be ere' en ze Burrow!" said Fleur looking around at all of the pink and silver blue colored decorations adoringly. "Dees pink terriferically match ze bridesmaid dreeses!"

"Says you," said Ginny under her breath while she sulked in the corner. She grabbed another Jell-o shot from the counter and downed it in one gulp. Fleur had realized too late that Ginny's red hair clashed horribly with the pink but Fleur really didn't think it'd matter,

"I am good looking enoof for the both of us I would theenk," was all she had to say on the matter.

"…Your earrings look completely ridiculous with that poncho," were the words out of Ron's mouth as they carried in to the next room.

Hermione quickly stuffed away Ron's Quidditch robes at the sound of his voice, her eyes darting around to make sure no one had seen her. She quietly crept around the corner to the room where Ron and Luna, supposedly, were conversing.

"…and Ginny's hair matched with that dress is just utterly revolting. This isn't a Molly Ringwald film, you know. I'm totally super cereal, Luna (A/N: yes, we hate these just as much as you do, but we feel this is necessary: super cereal is just a funny, odd, quirky, and any other synonym that you can come up with, way of saying that he is super serious. Thank you)," Ron was saying just as Harry had walked out of the bathroom. A scream was then heard from the room,

"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"

And Ron yelled, "Not the hair, mum!"

Harry peeked around the edge of the doorway in time to watch Mrs. Weasley body slam Ron. He then turned around to look at Hermione.

"What are you so smug about?" Hermione said as her amber orbs filled with tears when she saw Harry flashing a dazzling grin.

"I dunno about G's hair, but mine is pretty stylin'," he said, completely oblivious to the fact that Hermione was starting to flee the room, tears streaming down her face.

"I don't know what she's so upset about, if anyone should be angsty it should be me! I'm the one with the dead parents, dead godfather, dead mentor…oh dear…oh…I can't even think about it anymore," thought Harry.

Hermione stumbled blindly into the connecting room, running to face the corner as she let her salty tears flow.

"My sweet…my precious Weasley has gone awaaaaay!" she wailed but the sound of stumbling feet quickly drowned her out. She looked around as Ginny fell into the room.

"OH, HEYA ER' MIONE! WITH WHOM ARE YOU CONVERSING WITH?" Ginny said while squinting, trying to catch a glimpse of whoever Hermione was facing. Hermione only glared at her and snapped,

"Why don't you go and snog Tom Riddle, you stupid drunkard!" Hermione then fled from the room a second time. Meanwhile, Ginny thought for a good five minutes about what to say in reply but she quickly forgot about the idea when she saw a bright sparkling light coming from the hallway.

"IS THAT YOU GOD? IT'S ME, GINEVRA MOLLY WEASLEY."

"God? Who is this god that you speak of?" said a voice that sounded like bells. A girl stepped into the room, radiant, her emerald eyes sparkling, and her black hair swishing gracefully. It was slightly out of place, especially in the back, but it only enhanced her small button nose and her mouth that curved up charmingly, naturally. A crooked smile. She…she looked just like Harry. Ginny just stared at her in awe. Harry sauntered into the room,

"How's it hangin', home dawg?" he said, looking at Ginny while swiping his hair out of his eyes. Ginny wasn't looking at him; she was still spellbound by the girl. But the shininess was starting to blind her so she quickly looked to Harry. Harry, however, had turned his attention to the girl, smiling slightly. "And who is this Ginny?"

"I—I DON'T KNOW. I THINK SHE WAS SENT HERE BY GOD…," Ginny said.

"I'm Mary-Sue," said Mary-Sue, fluttering her eyes slightly at Harry. "I'm very pleased to meet you, Harry Potter. I've heard so much about you. About Voldemort and all."

"You—you said his name," said Harry, slightly in awe.

"Why of course. Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself, don't you think?"

"Yes, yes I do."

"And I even have a scar, just like you. Here, it's on my hip," and she pulled her shirt up only just a few centimeters so that most of the scar could be seen. "It only burns when someone who doesn't like me is near."

"And…you're an American?"

"Oh yes. I recently escaped from an orphanage where I went once my parents died. I came to England for Grandfather Dumbledore's funeral. I only found recently a long lost letter from my parents telling me about my true heritage. He didn't even know I existed which is the saddest part for me. I was only sent to an orphanage once my godfather died."

"My godfather died too!"

"Oh Harry, we have so much in common. I feel we will be such good friends," said Mary-Sue as Harry took her hand carefully and led her out of the room. Ginny glared after them and as she did, Mary-Sue started screaming in agony while clutching her side, just where her scar that she had shown Harry and Ginny was located. Harry jumped back in terror.

"What—what's going on Mary-Sue?" Harry said frantically. Mary-Sue turned around, doubling over again and again with tears in her eyes to look at Ginny.

"You—you don't like me?" she sobbed as Ginny stood there throwing daggers with her eyes.

"OF COURSE, YOU—YOU'RE SO BEASTLEY MARY-SUE!" and with that Ginny fell back out of the room just as she had entered it.

"Are you all right, Mary-Sue? Ginny doesn't usually act like that. Did I ever tell you what…beautiful eyes you have? They remind me of someone very familiar and very good looking, but I can't seem to place it…oh well."

"Yes, I'm fine Harry," she said sweetly. "And thank you. You're being so nice to me."

"I would never dream otherwise. Here, let me take you to meet everyone else!"

"Oh that would be positively wonderful, Harry! Let's go!"

"Oh - Mary-Sue did you say your name was? Oh, well how lovely. And you're a guest of Harry's? I've always said that Harry needed to find himself a girl," said Mrs. Weasley, beaming. Just then, Ginny stumbled blindly into the room.

"WHAT ABOUT ME, MUM?"

"Well what about you?"

"I WAS A HARRY GIRL THROUGH AND THROUGH!"

"I know dear, but that hardly counted. That relationship lasted, what? Two chapters? Three at the most? Honestly," said Mrs. Weasley, shaking her head. "Now run along dear. The wedding will start in a couple of hours."

"ALRIGHT!"

"No need to yell, Ginevra dear. We can usually hear you just fine."

"Molly, 'ave yoo seen my bouquet?" said Fleur, then sweeping into the room, as graceful as ever. "I must 'ave misplaced it and - 'oo is this?" she said, catching sight of Mary-Sue.

"Hello, I'm Mary-Sue and I am very pleased to meet you."

"Good 'eavens. She is le beautiful! And she can rhyme!"

"Well thank you so very much."

"'Ow do you get your 'air to be so silky smooth?"

"Whatever are you talking about Miss Delacour?"

"Oh, please call me Fleur. Oh, you are so beautiful…oh, Mary-Sue…would you conseeder being in my weddeng? You cood make up for Ginny pearfuctly."

"I am so honoured that you asked Miss - I mean, Fleur. Oh Harry, isn't this wonderful? I've always wanted to be in a wedding ever since my parents died!"

"You'll be the most beautiful one there, Mary-Sue."

No one noticed Ginny snarl out from a dark corner a few feet away and take a swig of absinthe from the mysterious bottle in her hand.

Authors' Notes:

Bu-Branson: Hello all! How do you like the first chapter? After many years (around one or two, actually) of reading the worst of the worst of fan fiction, we have decided (yes, this is co-written…is that the right word?) to combine all those horrible elements of fan fiction and exaggerate them to their worst. Any constructive criticism, flames, or OH EM GEE, UR STRY IS SOOOO AMAZING!11!1s are much appreciated. Like Snape's obsessive love of Lily, they make us smile.

Eppi: Wow, we made it through a whole chapter, I'm impressed. Will Ginny go to AA? Will you be able to understand Fleur? Will Harry find true love in a non-cannon character with no personality? Will Ron stop being flamboyant? Will Mrs. Weasley body slam anyone else? These questions - and many others - will be answered in the next episode of Cornucopia of Love.