I don't own The Lost Boys, blah, blah, blah. Anything outside of the movie/book/script is mine, blah, blah.

So I have my friend Squid to thank for this since she was the one that gave me the idea in the first place. This is The Original Lost Boys Survival Guide. Accept no substitutes! At least, I think this is the original. I've yet to find anything like this so feel free to prove me wrong. Until then, I dub myself original! This is based off of the Horror Movie Character Survival Guides that you can find all over the internet. The only difference is, this is purely for The Lost Boys. I have three parts to the guide; one for mortals, one for half-vampires and one for full vampires, the latter two of which I will post later. Now, I don't consider myself a comedy writer. In fact, I feel the only time I can actually write something funny or witty is when I'm not trying to do it. I feel it falls flat if I actually put effort into it. Eh, that's up to you guys to decide, isn't it? I find this snarky more than anything but, I'll leave it up to you.


For Mortals

1. Don't become a security guard at the Boardwalk.

2. If you must ignore the above rule, at least make sure you're physically fit. It could rightly give you a fighting chance…in theory.

3. If you are a security guard, don't harass the local motorcycle gang with your bitch stick. It's hazardous to your health.

4. Don't work late.

5. If you must work late, park your car in civilization. Does the term "strength in numbers" ring a bell?

6. Screaming gets you nowhere, especially when no one's around to hear it.

7. If you're a member of the rival surfer gang, avoid punching your own girlfriend in the face to attack the guy that just had a moment with her. It's just common courtesy.

8. If you are a Surf Nazi, let the Lost Boys have their way with your girlfriend. That way she'll get some good sex and everyone gets to keep their necks…unless they're jonsing for a post-sex snack. Then you're screwed anyway.

9. If your mom says she's getting a divorce, ask to live with your dad. He may be a cheating, workaholic, bastard but at least you get to keep your blood.

10. Remind your newly divorced mom that moving in with her father after the age of forty is not a step forward.

11. Should the move still go forward, demand control of the car radio. It'll be your last days of happiness.

12. If the town's 'Welcome to…' sign has 'Murder Capital of the World' graffito-tagged on the back of it, go back from whence you came. Chances are, it's there for a reason.

13. When you come across the girl that has an abnormally close relationship to a rodent, slap her. That's just disgusting.

14. If your grandfather has a habit of 'playing dead,' find your own place, preferably in another county. It's a bad omen.

15. If you walk into your new home and taxidermied animals are strewn about the place, run away. If you choose to stay, at least have the foresight to hang antlers on every inch of wall space you can. I'm sure Grandpa has more than enough and they'll come in handy later on.

16. When your grandfather reinforced the notion that your new hometown has an abnormal amount of dead bodies, that was your cue to leave now. He's been there for decades. He knows what he's talking about.

17. If your grandfather smokes pot, be very nice to him. He just might share his stash. At least you know it's pure.

18. If your grandpa has a subscription to TV Guide but there isn't a TV in the house, blame it on the pot and go buy your own TV your whiny turd. As if reading a book would hurt…

19. Avoid the Boardwalk.

20. Should you choose to ignore the above rule, don't say I didn't warn you. There's a reason why Grandpa's a hermit.

21. Don't follow the gypsy girl with the little boy that catches your eye. No matter how you slice it, she's trouble. If the kid is hers, that's baggage that you're just too young for. If he's not then why the hell is he with her? Chances are she's not part of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program.

22. Should you follow her, don't act like some greasy-haired stalker. That's just creepy.

23. When the weird commando kids give you advice, take it. They're right. You don't know shit, buddy. Take the comic book and shut up.

24. In order to be an official vampire hunter, usually you'd actually have to have hunted vampires. Claim yourself an expert but don't give yourself the title when you've never even had hands-on training. That'd be like me calling myself a doctor because I spend a lot of time on WebMD.

25. If you see your lust interest climbing onto the bike of a bad ass, platinum, mullet head, let the sleeping dog lie. Even if she's not involved with him, you're going to have to deal with those guys eventually and, let's face it, your pedal pusher looks like a tricycle next to their bikes.

26. Don't accept lollipops.

27. Don't accept a job at the local video store. You're overqualified anyway.

28. Avoid the municipal wharf altogether. It's far too pricey and you've just moved back in with your father. Choose wisely.

29. Avoid getting too chummy with said video store owner. You know what they say about men and VHS tapes…

30. Avoid any kind of cliff-type rock formation. They're the harbingers of despair.

31. If you are sitting in your car and are suddenly awash in an odd red light coming from nowhere, that moment would be a good time to relocate.

32. Embrace convertibles.

33. Opt for a Japanese-made car. They're better built and their roofs won't peel off like a tuna can top.

34. If you're sitting in a car that has just been dismantled by an unseen force and then you see your boyfriend get sucked into the night sky by demons with fangs, don't remain in the exposed car screaming. You're going to die anyway. The least you could do is try to keep your dignity intact in your final moments by attempting to go out fighting.

35. Be nice to Grandpa for he has a 1957 Chevy, complete with bobble head. If you're lucky, he may let you wash it.

36. If the closest to town Grandpa likes to get is his garage, take that into consideration, especially considering, despite the taxidermy, he is sane.

37. When the creepy commando kids offer advice and an instruction manual again, take it. I'm sure they are sniffing old newsprint but, like grandpa, they seem to know what they're talking about.

38. Remember that gypsy girl that you saw ride off on the back of Mullet Man's bike the previous night? How about asking her about her relationship with him instead of asking her to dinner? You're just begging for a beating otherwise. Stop letting your winky lead the way.

39. If the Lost Boys challenge you to a motorcycle race in a town you don't know to an undisclosed destination, just say no. Star just isn't worth it. C'mon. Haven't you seen Jersey Girl? Oh mwy gawd!

40. Should your dumb ass take the wager because your balls have outgrown your brain, beware of the cliffs of doom. Remember, harbingers…

41. Never start a fight when you're outnumbered. As if 'just you' is going to keep the others off. Nerd.

42. Take everything with a grain of salt. Chances are there's an ulterior motive to the Lost Boys' niceness.

43. Only smoke dope from trusted sources. You never know what could be in it otherwise.

44. Take the half-naked Rob Lowe poster off of your closet door. It'll only lead people to question your sexuality.

45. Don't be duped by hallucinations. Chances are Marko didn't snarf the rice and then stuff the empty take-out container with maggots to cover it up while he was out.

46. Don't drink unidentified substances in ornately decorated bottles. For all you know, it could be antifreeze and the boys get their rocks off on near-death experiences.

47. When Star tells you it's blood, listen to her! That way you won't look like an ass later on when the shit hits the fan.

48. If your grandfather wears Windex as aftershave, just be thankful it's not Bengay.

49. Don't open your front door to phantom lights and gale winds. It could be a result of a storm of Jehovahs.

50. Open mouth and insert foot when you realize that the kooky commando kids weren't yanking your chain.

51. Lie to your mother.

52. Never date your boss. Even if he isn't a vampire, it'll just cause problems anyway.

53. If you see your brother floating outside your window, toss him one of his barbells. Hey, he's halfway to immortal. He'll get over it.

54. Never trust your brother to 'work things out.'

55. Remind your mother that you can only smell garlic when it's peeled.

56. Tell Grandpa to never allude to his sex life again unless he would like to pay for my repressive therapy.

57. Never invite your new boyfriend to meet your kids after one failed date. We know you're desperate for a good guy but slow it down, lady!

58. If you're going to call yourself a vampire hunter, you might want to brush up on the cardinal rules of vampires so you don't shove your head up your own ass later.

59. If two out of two dates have failed, take the hint and move on. They're not called signs for nothing.

60. If your brother's a half vampire, aim for a hard top. A convertible will only hurt him, and quite possibly you.

61. Just because someone looks like they know what they're doing, it doesn't mean they do. Don't follow blindly.

62. Prepare for all situations. Carrying an umbrella never hurt anyone. It protects against rain and ungodly glitter goo stains. Also, if the vampires wake up when you're picking them off, don't scream at them. It won't do you any good. Now would be a good time to put those cat-like reflexes to use.

63. Two fingers held in a cross formation does not double as a crucifix. Don't waste your time.

64. Never leave a car in reverse and never park it too near a cliff's edge. Act firsts and think laters tend to happen in those situations.

65. When Grandpa doesn't blink at the two half-dead bodies you've just brought into the house, it means he knows something. Inquire about that. It couldn't hurt.

66. Reinforce your pipes.

67. Stock up on holy water.

68. Skip the garlic. It doesn't work anyway.

69. Don't forget your dog. You make PETA angry doing that.

70. Hang a set of antlers in front of the fireplace.

71. Threaten to take away Paul's Aqua Net. He'll back off faster.

72. If you see a vampire disappear into a tub of holy water, don't stick your head over it to check where he went. Just vacate the bathroom and let him melt in peace.

73. Always arm yourself with a water gun filled with holy water. Better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

74. Proper aim and shotty wiring are a vampire hunter's best friend.

75. Don't forget about David. The leader of the pack is always bound to be the crankiest after a friend's death.

76. When a vampire child bursts forth from a mattress, have cookies handy. All children, with or without fangs, love cookies.

77. Sneak a squirt of holy water in Laddie's face when Star isn't looking. Little boy or not, he's ready to go Cujo on you.

78. Thank the taxidermy gods that your grandfather has antlers strewn about.

79. Don't question David's personal spotlight. Just let it be. It might attack.

80. Pass off dead David as your mom's new hat rack. If she doesn't believe it, tell her he impaled himself.

81. Try to convince your mom she's imagining the mess in the house.

82. Bludgeon the children out of the public's eye for the mess in the house.

83. When Max mentions 'my boys,' tell him he's no longer invited and throw a bucket of holy water on him and see what happens.

84. While Max is talking, stake him from behind. He's so absorbed in what he's saying he wouldn't see it coming.

85. If you've just witnessed Max toss aside four other people, don't try to attack him yourself. You're just offering yourself up to die. Instead, grab that trusty bow and arrow that worked so well for you before. God forbid you use the same kill method twice.

86. Don't make it a habit to sacrifice yourself to save your kids. Your father might not be there to bail you out next time.

87. Always keep a hearty supply of telephone pole-sized stakes on your property strategically positioned to impale head vampires standing in your living room about to eat your family. I believe they sell some at Target in the hardware department.

88. Make sure your furniture is flame retardant and Scotch Guarded.

89. Learn from experience. Never be so trusting of strangers.

90. Ask Grandpa more questions. Maybe if you did, he wouldn't stuff your mouth with Oreos and drown you in root beer for bringing the vampires into his house.

91. Seek out a good stain remover.

92. Come together on a viable story to explain to any potential nosy neighbors. Or just agree is disagree and make them disappear. Why let the town's reputation die now?

93. Kick Star to the curb for being the harbinger of bloodsuckers.

94. Find a good carpenter.

95. Listen when someone tells you something. Your face wouldn't be so red if you did.


Reviews are always appreciated.