Disclaimer: WE DUN OWN THE P-GUY

Sup guys, Potter here, comin' at you with a fanfiction of epic proportions. As always, this fanfiction will be co-written with Weasley. Make sure you're holdin' on to something, for this fanfiction will blow. You. Away. Alright, cool. Here we go, man.

"Nnnnrrgh." Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes groggily. He looked around and found himself on one of the comfortable compartments on the Hogwarts Express. He must have fallen asleep because the last thing he remembered was settling in the compartment with Ron and Hermione and the train just starting to move. Now they were well into their trip, the sky got darker and the rays of the sunset kissed upon the rolling hills and streams.

He fixed his glasses, they were sitting at an awkward angle due to his sleep, and looked over at Hermione who was getting some early studying done, and Ron who was asleep. Mmm, Ron. Harry licked his lips at the thought of the ginger headed boy.

'No Harry, push those horrid thoughts out of your head before you lose control.' Harry sighed, remembering the last time he lost control of his hormones, and Dudley's screaming pleads for help. Harry had just finished watching Twilight, and the super ultra mega beauty of the Cullen family set him off. Especially the fact that Edward looked a lot like, in fact almost identical to, Cedric Diggory. Maybe Cedric was related to the actor, or something, Harry vaguely wondered.

The sound of Hermione snapping her book shut brought the Boy Who Lived back to reality.

"Oh, you're awake. Have a nice nap?" she asked. Harry always had a soft spot for Hermione, and once in a while, maybe a hard spot. But no, Harry's heart beat only for Ron.

"Yeah, it was nice I guess. Thankfully it was not plagued by dreams of Voldemort." Harry responded. Lately Voldemort was able to do this thing where Harry could see what Voldemort was doing sometimes. Mostly it was just killing or torturing people. Tom Marvolo Riddle, Jr. called himself a merciful Lord, hopefully merciful enough to not connect their heads when Voldemort was using the lavatory.

"That's good," replied Hermione. "I wonder who our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is going to be this year."

"Hopefully not one of Voldemort's apprentices or some Ministry whore." Said Ron, who woke up a few minutes ago. "Seriously, Umbridge is like the slut of the Ministry."

"Why would the Ministry want her to be their slut? They're the Ministry, they can do ~much better." Said Hermione, fiddling with the bottom of her shirt.

"We'll just have to find out." Said Harry, looking out the window. He could see the majestic castle of Hogwarts approaching, so they all started changing into their robes.

In case anybody was wondering, in the next compartment over, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle just finished having a big huge Slytherin orgy, when Pansy Parkinson rushed in yelling, "DID I SAY YOU COULD STOP?"

It was an hour or so later, and all the Hogwarts students were seated comfortably in the Great Hall after the last first year was sorted. Dumbledore stood up and all the talking came to a stop.

"Welcome to another year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! We are sure that this year will be very successful. First years, the Forbidden Forest is obviously forbidden. And I am pleased to announce two changes in staffing this year. Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, I am pleased to welcome Professor Billy Mays!" Dumbledore gestured to a plump little man with a blue shirt and a bushy brown beard and mustache and a big creepy, sexy smile on his face.

"And while Professor Snape is away doing Death Eater business- I MEAN, uh, HOGWARTS business. Away doing Hogwarts business, filling in for Potions is Professor Vince!" and Dumbledore gestured over to a tall skinny dirty blonde man with a weasel looking face. The students applauded and the feast appeared and everyone stuffed their faces and they were happy.

After the epic first-day-before-school feast, Ron, Hermione and Harry were seated in the Common Room, with Harry nudged a bit closer to Ron. Surprising to Harry, Ron didn't seem to mind.

"I wonder what our new teachers are like." Said Hermione, secretly questioning the closeness of Ron and Harry.

"I don't know. The Vince guy looks a bit shady, but Billy Mays looks horrendously psycho." Said Ron.

"I think Professor Billy Mays is the most attractive teacher we've ever had. I think he'll do splendid." Said Hermione, flipping her hair.

"Am I the only one who heard Dumbledore say that Snape 'Death Eater' business before?" said Harry.

"What the devil are you talking about? Snape's on Hogwarts business, not Death Eater business." Said Ron.

Hermione laughed, "Snape's not a Death Eater, Harry."

"What if he is? When Dumbledore said that Snape was away, he said 'Death Eater business' before correcting himself and saying 'Hogwarts Business.' Don't you find that a bit strange?" said Harry.

"Oh please, Harry, you're being silly." Said Hermione as she looked at the clock. "It's getting late, we should get to bed." Hermione got up and started walking towards the girl's dormitories, "Good night."

"WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY EVER BELIEVE ME?" Harry cried.

Ron stood up. "Hermione's right, we should be gettin' to bed, mate."

Harry licked his lips. He wouldn't mind going to bed with Ron.

Little did they know what awaits them the next morning in Defense Against The Dark Arts and Potions class tomorrow.

Lol guys review.

Weasley's writing the next chapter.

I'm a strong R/Hr supporter btw. Weasley's probably not, but I absolutely adore the pairing. It's just not in this particular fanfiction. ;)

Love, Potter.