If A Song Could Get Me You
Disclaimer:
As always, I own nothing!
Rating:
T (though subject to change)
Genre:
Romance/Hurt/Comfort
Pairing:
Jesseve (Jesse Travis/Steve Sloan)
Lyrics Used:
M2M "Do You Know What You Want"
Author's Note:
This is my first ever Diagnosis Murder fic, so, please be gentle. Also, this story kinda came to me in a dream that's been driving me crazy. So, excuse me if it's not the best. I really just decided to write it to get it out of my head.
Do You Know What You Want
Do you know what you want | (Do you know what you want) | Do you know what you want | (Do you know what you want) | What you want | Love's so hard to find | So make up your mind | Do you know what you want
"Steve, we've been over this, already!" Jesse Travis was now shouting at his clandestine lover, Detective Steve Sloan. "You know I don't want to come out with our relationship!" He had already had this conversation with Steve-numerous times, actually. It seemed that, lately, this issue had become a real strain on their relationship. But, if he were to be honest with himself, he understood where Steve was coming from. Deep down, he wanted to tell their friends about their relationship just as much as Steve did. But, he was worried. He feared for Steve's safety in his line of work. He had seen the news reports of what happened to gay cops that were open. Jesse knew he could never live with himself if anything ever happened to Steve because of their relationship.
"Yes, I know, Jesse!" Steve shouted back at his younger lover. He loved Jesse more than anything and he wanted the world to know how much the young doctor meant to him. And, the more Jesse insisted they keep their relationship quiet, the more he couldn't escape the feeling that his lover was ashamed of him. And, he hated that feeling. "But, you know how important this is to me! What I don't understand is why you're so against this?! Why are you so ashamed of me?! Of us?" Steve's anger and tone of voice had both deflated into sheer desperation.
Jesse's eyes widened in shock. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sure, he had known that keeping their relationship quiet was hurting Steve-and he truly did hate hurting him-but, he had no idea that Steve thought he was ashamed of him and of the relationship. "Steve..." The anger from before was long gone. His voice had deflated to a step above of a whisper. "No..." His voice shook on the word. "God, no! No, that's-that's not it!" Jesse was just as desperate as Steve as he moved toward him, reaching out to Steve only to have his hands shaken off. As Steve pushed him away, Jesse felt his heart shatter in his chest. He knew he had to find a way to fix this-and, fast. "I have never-in all the years that we've known each other-ever been ashamed of you, Steve!"
"Then, why don't you want to tell people about us?!" Steve begged. "I'm not talking about shouting it from the mountain tops. All I'm talking about is just telling our friends-your friends at work and mine. That's it! Is that really so much to ask?!" Steve felt the sting of tears welling up in his eyes as he desperately fought them back.
Jesse immediately hated himself the instant he saw the shimmer of un-shed tears in Steve's eyes. "Steve, I...I just can't...I'm so sorry. But, I need you to know that I am nowhere near ashamed of you."
"Then, what else could it be, Jesse?!" Steve was desperate to believe that Jesse was telling him the truth. But, he couldn't think of any other reasons for Jesse to not want to tell their friends about their relationship. And, with Jesse so unwilling to provide him with any other reason, he couldn't shake the feeling that he was right and the Jesse was ashamed of him. Jesse's silence on the matter made the decision for him. "I'm sorry, Jesse." He began, softly, almost dejectedly. "I love you, yes. But, I just...I just can't be with someone who's ashamed me or the relationship."
"No." By this point, Jesse's voice was shaking almost uncontrollably. In the back of his mind, he had always feared that this would be a possibility. He had just always hoped that Steve would eventually understand why he felt this way. "Steve, please...Please, don't do this." Jesse was all but begging as he watched the man he loved preparing to walk out of his home and-ultimately-out of his life. Sure, he'd still see Steve around the hospital and Barbecue Bob's. But, at this point, he wasn't so sure that was such a great thought. If Steve left him, he wasn't so sure if he could handle seeing Steve at work-or at all. Seeing Steve would only drudge up all of these feelings of this fight, right now.
With a soft sad sigh, Steve turned around and-for what would likely be the last time-pulled him close to him and leaned forward the place a soft kiss on the smaller man's head, lingering just a moment longer than necessary. Squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that threatened to fall, Steve steadied his voice as much as he could before he spoke again. "I'm so sorry." He whispered in Jesse's ear before turning back toward the front door to Jesse's apartment. As he opened the door, Steve turned and looked over his shoulder at Jesse. "Goodbye, Jesse." He stated softly, before turning and walking out the door.
Watching as Steve turned and walked out of his life, Jesse finally allowed the dam to break. All the tears he'd been fighting and all the anger he harbored against himself flowed freely as he turned and balled his hand into a fist as he punched the wall behind him with a pained, angry scream, before he slid down to his knees on the floor-resting his forehead against the wall-as he cried. You, idiot! How could you be so stupid?! How could you let him just walk away from you like that! If you had just told him...Why would you let him feel that way?! Jesse continued to berate himself for the way things had ended with Steve until the burning sensation in his hand began to seep through his internal tirade. "Damn it." He cursed, though his voice was still thick and watery from the tears he'd been shedding.
Finally rising from his place on the floor, he made his way into the kitchen to clean up the small scrape on his hand from the fight he had picked with the wall. After thoroughly rinsing and cleaning the scrape, he found a knuckle-shaped bandage to stick over it. Looking up at the clock, he realized it was-not late but, late enough, he could head to bed. Though, he knew sleep would elude him without Steve there to hold him.
