"No, this is a positive confirmation, you are 100% pregnant." The doctor returned to her writing before passing Cece the recommended requirements for vitamins she would need throughout her pregnancy.
She was in shock, but why, she wondered. Wasn't that the point of coming here, because none of her bras had fit all week, because she had headaches everyday and zits on her chin. She had known, deep down, this was more than PMS.
And yet she had set the appointment as if it meant nothing. Just a routine physical with a quick check for the flu. "Have you been feeling tired lately," the doctor had asked. Such a silly question until it had dawned on her she had napped just this afternoon before her exam. "How's your appetite?" Well, I woofed down a pizza last night by myself. What had that meant to a starving model though.
Now the bells were ringing in her ears. She was pregnant. She had a baby inside her. A bachcha. This was surreal and crazy and scary.
"Thank you doctor," she said in a fog walking out of the office, then the waiting room, then the parking lot before she opened her car door and then, only then, after she sat in the driver's seat and shut her door to the outside world, did she...begin...to...sob.
Tears rolled down her face, dropping wet spots onto her linen vest. Her body shook as she bent foward clenching her eyes shut, emotions surfacing in wave after wave. She gave into all of it, never trying to stop. Not thinking of the consequences. Like puffy eyes. Like pregnancy.
Her car headed west, towards the beach. Kites flying near the parking lot, she nosed into a spot and checked her red eyes in the rearview mirror. There was nothing she could do now, fate was in control. There was no turning back.
"I'm sorry I'm late," she said pushing her sunglasses back up her nose. "My appointment went later than expected."
She sat on the hot sand and watched children splash through white frothy waves. One day one of those would be hers. Sandcastles and sunsceen. A different life than the one she had now.
"I need to tell you something and it's important." Her hands shook until she held them together. One in the other, strong, warm, sometimes fierce.
The sunlight beat heavy on her back and for a moment she worried about tan lines on her shoulders. She scrolled through her jobs for the week trying to remember bikini shoots. Her days of swimwear catalogues would soon be over.
"I'm pregnant, and it's yours." She let the words hover in the breeze and drift off with seagulls. "And I want it, the baby that is. I want to have this baby." There, she had said it. It was done.
Her mind wandered to lists of diapers and blankets, baby clothes and carseats. Toys and insurance, yoga classes, mortgage payments. She swallowed the list down, down, down. This wasn't the direction she needed right now. This would not get her through the phone calls she would have to make, one by one. There would be endless decisions about her life, her home and her career. All of which didn't need to be decided right now.
She had just made the biggest decision of her life. Today she would just let it sit and take hold of her like the baby inside.
Walking along the shore, her pants rolled up to the waves, she hugged her belly for the first time. All her fears now put to rest. She could and would have a baby. No longer alone, no longer adrift. This was it now. Her family. Whether he was going to be part of it almost didn't matter. Almost.
Feeling light for the first time all week, she kicked her feet through the water and laughed at the idea of possibilities. Of change. Of hope. Of purpose.
