Summary: Helen writes a letter to James Watson after John shows up at her Sanctuary. A/U
Disclaimer: I own nothing of Sanctuary
Rating: K
Pairing: Helen and John.
LETTER TO A FRIEND:
Helen Magnus sat behind her desk and pulled out an old fashioned pen, inkwell, and paper. She could have just typed and e-mail, sending it via the internet. But writing the letter seemed more personal and better able to communicate her thoughts and feelings. Dipping her pen down in the ink she began her letter:
Dearest James,
Tonight John made an appearance at the Sanctuary putting out daughter in harms way. Of all the evil he has done, I never thought him capable of that. But Ashley is safe with only a few scratches and I'm fine as well. Though, my mind is greatly trouble by his latest visit. Aspects of his former self seemed to bleed through the insanity. And for short moments the man I loved so deeply came back, only in his eyes could I see the change. Have I lost my mind? Am I only seeing what I wish to be true from John? Is the man I love truly dead inside leaving nothing but a cold and ruthless killer? What do I do if he is cold and dead in the ground?
Just as you thought he came looking for my blood, this time I poisoned it. Hopefully he's dead and gone. But there is a part of my heart that wishes it isn't so. My soul is wishing so hard that he was here with him, by my side, loving me like he used to. I don't know, maybe I've had my happiness, though I wish not to believe it. If you held my heart to your ear you may be able to hear the ocean. Oh, how John made me feel alive. I miss it at times, miss him. When we were together time seemed to stop, seemed to lie down for us.
Of all the regrets I have in my life, what I did to John weighs heavily on my mind. I know what your council would be. You would tell me not to worry, that John made the choice just as we all did. But still if I had known what it would have done to him I would have preferred to spare him the fate he has suffered now.
I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you, but I felt the need for some confession. I've been told it's good for the soul. Do you think he'll ever come back to me, us, as the man we knew and loved so dearly? I hope one day that I can forgive him. John and I had too many good times that seem to be fading from my mind. They are being over taken by all the evil that he had done. Still, deep down I feel that his actions were not his alone.
Love always
Helen Magnus…
Helen dropped her pen and walked to the window to gaze at the night; at the city she now defended hoping that John was out there somewhere. Would it be too much of fate to return to her the love of a life time? John was her soul deep, burning, all consuming love, and she wanted him back. With him the world stopped. With him she was happy. With John she had found a place to belong. In the age of Victoria, Helen Magnus had found a love that was pure, but fate was never kind to lovers so early in life. The Gods had condemned them for taking the blood. John had been taken from her as payment for this crime.
Through the years Helen had had short lived relationships, all of them meaningless. All of them minor distractions. She was trying to convince herself that she didn't need John, convince her heart she was better off. But was she really? Did she truly want John cold and dead in the ground? Helen lowered her head, a single tear slipping down her cheek. No, she couldn't bear to think about John suffering a true death. He was a survivor and he would darken her doorstep again. She was sure of it. Going to her desk she folded the note and slid it home in the envelope. Tomorrow she would mail her letter. Right now she wanted to go to bed.
