After watching the look on Paige's face when she saw Emily kissing Nate, I immediately thought of 'Scars' by April Walters.
And then, I thought of this. It's one of my darker pieces, but I wanted to try something new. Enjoy. : )
I ignore the sharp needles of frigid cold that pierce my skin when I enter the water. The pool isn't heated at night, and I'm almost grateful for it. I need something to remind me that I'm alive. And somehow, pain does that. Pain jerks me out of any illusions I might have about who I am or how happy I could be. Pain wakes me up from the blissful dream I've been living for weeks. Pain lets me know that for every ounce of good that has come into my life, one droplet of bad can tear it all asunder.
Pain has become my reality. And I have no choice but to accept it.
I let myself linger at the bottom of the Rosewood High School swimming pool, allowing my lungs to burn with the lack of oxygen. I'm only wearing my bra and panties because I didn't have the energy to go to my locker when I broke in. I should probably tell Coach about the loose window pane in the locker room… But then again, if I did, they'd probably caulk it up, and I'd lose my thinking space.
I'm lying on my back, staring up into the darkness of the building. I could just use the pool in my backyard, but the reason I come to the one in my school is because of the sheer isolation. There's no light or sound here. The screams of the fans that usually occupy the stadium seats give way to complete and utter void. It gives me the space to let my thoughts bounce around in the world outside my head, and it keeps me out of my angry place.
I haven't visited my angry place in a long time. I didn't have to. I had Emily. Or, at least I thought I did.
When I saw her kissing Nate tonight, it made me realize something. Emily is bold and courageous, free and undefined. And me? I've waited all this time to be with her… But no matter how many times I kiss her, smile at her, hold her… I'll never feel that I deserve her. It still surprises me that she chose me, the girl who tried to drown her in the same pool I'm treading water in. Emily could have any girl in the whole world. One look from those warm brown eyes would turn anyone into putty in her hands, just like it did me. And even though she's with me, I still feel like some of her is slipping through my fingers.
It's like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands.
The chlorine starts to sting my eyes, so I sit up and push myself to the surface, gulping a large gust of air into my lungs. However, when I turn to swim toward the wall, I'm met with a pair of searching brown eyes that are brimming with tears.
Emily.
"I thought you'd be here," she croaks out, her normally silky voice raspy from crying. "I tried your house, but your mom said she thought you were with me."
I use my arms to slice my way through the water, propelling myself forward to the wall she's standing on. When my fingertips graze the tile, I lift myself out and take a deep breath before drawing myself to full height. And it's in this moment that I really look at her. She looks absolutely terrified, and she has her arms wrapped around herself as if she's trying to keep from shattering.
She looks like I should.
Tears run down her cheeks as we stare into each other's eyes. I'm attempting to keep my gaze cold and unfeeling, but I find myself trying not to fall into those spellbinding eyes. She extends a royal blue towel that she must have gotten from the laundry room toward me, and I take it and wrap it around myself absently.
"I saw you." I don't have to clarify. She knows exactly what I mean.
"I know."
A little piece of my heart crumbles and breaks off, falling into the bottomless pit my soul has become. She doesn't apologize, but some part of me hopes she's sorry. I don't forgive her, but some part of her knows I will. I always will. Because tonight, we're even. Tonight, I've felt every bit of the pain I've caused her in the past. Tonight, I felt what it must have been like when I held Emily's head underwater all that time ago. I felt like my chest would implode from the searing pain and the paralyzing fear that ripped through me when I saw her lips on Nate's.
Tonight, we stand on level ground.
I lean down and let my lips brush hers. A wave of nausea comes over me when I imagine another man's mouth claiming what belongs to me. She returns my kiss fervently, pulling me by my shoulders so that my still-damp body is pressed flush against her. We both know that this kiss is her way of proving how much she loves me, how little the kiss with her dead girlfriend's cousin meant to her. We both know she's trying to prove to me that even if the sky falls and the oceans rise, she's mine. Every inch of her is mine.
And I believe her.
"Come home with me," I whisper when I pull away and press my forehead against hers. I'm panting slightly, but then again, every kiss with Emily leaves me breathless.
"Alright," she agrees quickly.
There is a second part, so stay tuned.
