For Ashley, because she makes me happy.

-

There once was a boy.

That's you.

Wait - a prince.

There once was a prince who lived in a big scary castle upon the top of a very large and very frightening hill - or mountain. Something like that.

He was a very pretty boy with-

No, you can't be handsome. You're too beautiful for handsome.

Yes I think you're beautiful.

Can I get on with the - thank you.

He was a very beautiful boy with long silver hair and eyes that looked very much like the coming of a storm. Light gray and outwardly calm, with signs of approaching danger. Beautiful.

They - as in his parents - they kept the boy in the tallest tower of the tall castle on the tall mountain. His father, the King, was a very mean and cruel man, deeply set in his ways. He wanted to keep the prince locked away from the world until he was ready to follow his father's evil footsteps.

But the boy, I mean, the prince. The prince didn't want to be like his father. He really wanted to be a good person, like his mother had secretly taught him to be.

His mother, the Queen, was a kind woman who had been hardened by years of putting up with the King's wickedness. Still, she was kind and loving with the prince, her only child. She told him stories of brave knights and sorcerers who fought only on the side of Truth and Light, never for evil.

Eventually, the prince was let out of his tall tower on the tall mountain to go to school. It was a good school - a special school for people who - uh.

Yeah, for people destined for greatness.

The school was taught by brave and wise teachers who-

No, I'm not just saying that because Ron's shagging Snape - anyway, you're not supposed to know that. Let me go on, OK?

Thanks.

Brave and wise teachers who taught them all they would need to know about life.

At this school, the prince met another boy, a wizard who only fought for good.

That's me.

He was just like the stories the prince's mother had told him. The prince was fascinated by the wizard. He couldn't tell what it was about the boy, but he was inexplicably drawn to him. He wondered why the boy had chosen to be a good wizard, when it was much easier to be a bad one. He wondered why everyone liked the wizard, when a lot of them didn't seem to like him.

Hey, it is so true. Everybody likes me better, and you know it.

The prince tired to be friends with the wizard, but he went about it in all wrong. He used his influence as a prince and his connections to the dark side to try and sway the wizard. But the wizard held fast to his ideals, refusing to let the prince make him into a bad wizard.

So, the price, who was secretly hurt by the wizard's rejections, decided to be the wizard's enemy.

Oh, not how you remember it going, my ass. Budge over, I'm losing feeling in my right - oof. Watch the elbow. Ahh.

There.

Much better.

The prince and the wizard fought and yelled and plotted against one another for a long, long time. Years and years they fought as each of them grew up from young boys into young men.

One day, the wizard got very tired of the prince's silly little quarrels with him.

It was too my idea.

He challenged the prince to a duel, not to the death, but the loser would have to renounce every mean thing they ever said and apologize, therefore ending the feud.

However, the night the duel was supposed to happen - they both got caught outside of their bedrooms at night and ended up with detention.

I couldn't figure out how to make that sound more like a fairy-tale. Sorry 'bout that.

The detention was late one night, and both the boys ended up locked in a room that would only come unlocked once the boys had cleaned the very messy room to the door's satisfaction.

But, much to the prince's surprise, the moment the door closed and locked, the wizard kissed him. Hard, on the lips.

Hey, stop that.

Yes I enjoyed it, but it's distracting. I was getting to the good part.

The prince was shocked. The wizard, who was a boy and his enemy was kissing him! He wasn't sure how to react - so he kissed the wizard back.

Yeah, just like that.

And it felt good, so they kept doing it. Kissing. For a very long time.

After a while, the prince made love to the wizard, for the very first time, there on the dirty floor of the storage room.

We made love. Deal with it.

Hey! Despite evidence to the contrary, I have not become a girl. You can see for yourself.

Eep! I meant later!

Ahem.

Eventually, they got the storage room clean, although it took much longer than it should have. Once back in his room, the prince found himself thinking about the wizard even more. Finally, after a few weeks of kissing and the like in empty classrooms, the prince figured out that he was in love with the wizard.

The wizard, being much smarter than the prince-

Oh shut up.

The wizard, being much smarter than the prince, had figured out that he was in love with the prince a long time ago. Which is why he had kissed the prince in the first place. Anyway, they were happy and in love and for a while, everything was as it should be.

Well, yes, ok, so, maybe it was Hermione's idea. Just a little tiny bit.

However, word, as word often does, got back to the evil King of his son's relationship with the wizard. The King hated the wizard, for all sorts of nasty reasons, and especially despised his involvement with the prince. And when he reached the school, he tried to kill the wizard, but the prince stopped him just in time. So, the King went to jail, where he deserved to be anyway.

Nope, not bitter at all.

The prince was kind of sad that he had sent his father to jail, but he was also happy because he had all of the King's wealth and property, and he didn't have to worry about becoming evil like the King, ever again.

After school was over, the wizard moved into the tall castle on the tall mountain with the prince, carefully avoiding the tallest tower. After a while, though, they figured out that they really didn't like the big drafty thing, and it held too many bad memories for the prince. So they sold it and started renting a lovely flat in London.

It really is a lovely flat. I like what you've done with the lighting. Really.

The prince was happy because the Queen worked up enough nerve to divorce the King and dump him on his fat incarcerated ass. She then moved to Paris, where she'd always wanted to live anyway, and worked as a fashion critic for a popular magazine.

The wizard was happy because his best friends, the witch and the knight had both found people they loved.

And the prince and the wizard were happy together, because they had each other.

And they lived happily ever after.

The end.

Happy anniversary Draco.

I love you too.