As we walked to Remy's, I kept looking at his face, his ear and his dark amazing hair. I wanted to reach up and touch his hair but I told myself no. I wonder what my life would be like if I was impulsive. Do I dare be impulsive? Maybe…I would be happier, more fulfilled. Suddenly, he looked over at me, his blue eyes see through my green. He can see my soul and that scares me.

"What?" he asked genuinely curious.

"Nothing…" I replied. I focused my eyes to look in front of me, the diner coming closer and closer into view.

"Oh, I think it was something."

Quick, come up with something, anything to distract him. Milkshake. "I'm going to have a chocolate milkshake. What are you going to have?"

"Milkshakes, huh?" he replied incredulously but he answered anyway, "the same."

Finally, we were inside the diner. He walked over to the usual booth. The familiarity feels like home. He is home. He loves me and I…

"So, Beckett, how many times did you model?"

I smiled but tried to hide it. He's thinking of me naked. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know, Castle?" I teased.

"I would." He made direct eye contact with me, letting me know and see his love but also his lust for me. I should tell him I remember, I should let myself be vulnerable, a feeling I loathe. I'm comfortable behind the wall but am I happy?

"Kate, what are you thinking about?"

My first instinct is to evade, to remain opaque, unclear and mysterious. I remained quiet. Luckily, the waitress came to our booth. "The usual?" We nodded. See, we even have a usual. People see it, he sees it and I see it.

"I remember…" I muttered my voice lighter than a whisper. His eyes followed the movement of my lips. I said it again. Louder this time, mostly to myself but I wanted him to know. "And I stayed."

"Kate…" he grabbed my clammy, nervous hand from across the table and his eyes said everything I felt but I opened my mouth anyway.

"I love you…more than a morning cup of coffee. I've loved you for a while now but I am scared. I know I want you but I want you to have all of me and I'm not all here yet. I'm fractured. You make me want to be happy but I don't know how since my mom was killed. I've pushed you away but I've also pushed you to say how you feel. I selfishly wanted you to put yourself out there while I hid. It's not fair…I'm sorry..." tears fell down my face slowly like they too wanted to hide. Castle got up and sat next to me. I leaned into him blocking all the no's inside my head. He put his arm around me, holding me with his strong sturdy arms. He's been my rock for three and a half almost four years. What does he get out of the deal?

"What do you get?" I abruptly asked.

"You and that's enough. You are amazing. You make me speechless on a regular basis and you know how much I like to talk." He smiled.

"I will always love you." I whispered.

"I know."