A/N: Kind of an introductory chapter, I guess. I've really gotten into WTNV recently because most of the time when I join a fandom, it's really frantic and I feel like I'm always running around with stories and art and gifsets, but with WTNV I feel really calm, I guess? Drawing Cecil has really helped me calm down in the last few days so I decided to start writing about him, hahaha. Also, the college I'm going to go to allows you to have your own radio show, so maybe I'll meet my own Cecil. That'd be strange. (:

Disclaimer: I don't own WTNV, Cecil, Carlos, etc. etc. etc. I own my OC, original dialogue, etc. Unbeta'd. Sorry if anything's OOC, or inaccurate. I've only listened to 2 podcasts - the 1st one and an obscure one my sister showed me a long time ago.

In the future chapters, there will be more action/dialogue rather than just dialogue, like this one. I guess we'll see Night Vale outside of the radio station? Idk yet. R&R! Thanks! :) Enjoy.

P.S. I don't own the image I used for the cover picture.


"Good evening, listeners. Early this morning everyone should have heard the warning sirens being emitted from the gaping hole in the middle of Somerset Avenue since they were quite loud and prolonged. They were the longest-sounding warning sirens heard in Night Vale since the Night Vale Library was moved and the workers accidentally unearthed an underground city of klaxons that seemed to be solar powered, which is why we hadn't heard them before. Speaking of the library, I have a note here saying that I need to mention that the librarian has been temporary misplaced but even so, any and all books that have been checked out are still due back. If you have an overdue book or cassette tape, which have been outlawed by the Sheriff's Secret Police as of five days ago, you are urged to return them through the return slot on the outside of the building. Do not go inside the library. If you possess a cassette tape, please take precautions when returning it to the library by wrapping it in three layers of brown paper, which can be purchased at your local hardware store, and then proceed to wrap it in a very tight layer of silver tape. It must be silver. If you use any other color, you will be fined by the library. After you have wrapped up the cassette tape, place it in a plastic bag and use the plastic gloves provided to you daily by the Glove Truck and return it in the slot outside the library specifically designed for cassette tapes. Do not climb into this slot. It leads to the library's recent addition – the incinerator. You do not want to end up in the incinerator. When you have returned the cassette and any books you have, return home and dispose of your gloves in the sanitary Glove Bin provided to each and every household in Night Vale. If you do not have a Glove Bin, do not use your neighbor's, but instead come to the City Council and they will see what they can do for you.

"Don't forget that today is National Neighbor Day. Please remember to avoid your neighbors at all costs. Do not make eye contact, do not engage in idle conversation, do not borrow or lend any items such as gardening tools, food, your car or your Glove Bin. The best way to avoid your neighbors is to just stay inside your home all day. Maybe sit down and relax. Turn on your radio, pour yourself a cup of Secret Police-approved milk product and pretend to sleep to some smooth jazz.

"Remember citizens, coffee-products have been outlawed by the Sheriff's Secret Police. If you have any coffee-related food items, or coffee-themed products at all, in your home, dispose of them now. Also, remember to avoid your tap. There has been a report of a strange green glowing mass above the water tower. Old Woman Josie claimed that she saw small green beings emerge from the mass and disappear into the water tower. If you are so inclined to drink from your tap, please check before you drink and make sure that it is not glowing. If it is glowing, try to refrain from consuming the water. If you cannot resist, take the necessary precautions and board up your house and remove any and all sharp objects, which have also been outlawed, from your home. Place them in the Sharp Items Bin provided to you and return to your home. Make sure to avoid your neighbors during this.

"After you have removed any and all sharp objects, this is the time to board up your home before drinking any glowing water. We are not sure what is going to happen when you consume the contaminated water, but I am sure it can not be good. Also, if you are planning on drinking the glowing green water, make sure you phone in to the radio station so you can talk us through your transformation, if there is one. We will need to know what exactly you look like when the Sheriff's Secret Police have to hunt you down if you happen to break free from your home.

"In other news, there is yet another new resident to Night Vale. No one is quite sure how she made it here or why she decided to stay. She is currently living with Carlos, the scientist that has been residing here for a while now. She came with Carlos when he was doing tests on the radio station. Her name is Elisaveta and is allergic to chemical waste. She has a face like sunshine and her hair smells like the desert after a heavy rainstorm. She currently has a job at the Post Office so if you need stamps or packaging products, be sure to ask her. You may also see her around the town delivering Secret Police-approved milk products or assisting the elderly. She is perfect. Her nickname is Veta. Once again, we are not sure where she came from but from the reviews of everyone who has met her, they all like her and we all want her to stay. Please make sure she stays out of the dog park and steer her away from the hooded figures. We don't want anything happening to her.

"Speaking of things happening to people, there was an incident today at around noon on the corner of Wallis Street and Gilchrist Boulevard. A mail truck was overturned and left in the middle of the intersection. There was no driver inside and no mail, which is strange for a mail truck. Aside from being empty, the mail truck was missing all of its doors and the headlights were gone. The Sheriff's Secret Police are beginning to think that it was the work of some hooligans in Desert Bluffs. Did you hear that Desert Bluffs? If you're tuned in, the Sheriff's Secret Police are looking for you. In addition to the overturned mail truck, there are a string of other incidents that have occurred which they are blaming on you. While you may or may not be responsible, it is not for the Secret Police to actually investigate these things and are merely a front so that the Sheriff can pass the buck. But we all know it was you, Desert Bluffs. No one in Night Vale has so much disrespect for our mail workers or their trucks.

"So if you were expecting something in the mail, or you had to send something to arrive for the holidays or birthdays, you may be put behind a day or so. The scene has already been cleaned up and a new truck has been sent out on deliveries. The police aren't sure what to do about all of the missing mail. Hopefully there was nothing important in that truck.

"There have been sightings of strange pillars of smoke rising from the horizon in the East and have been ruled as unknown pillars of smoke. Citizens and all listeners have been cautioned not to approach the pillars of smoke. No one is quite sure how far out on the horizon they are. They may be just beyond the horizon and if you decide to follow them, you may very well fall off the face of the Earth. Please do not fall off the face of the Earth. We do not want to litter the universe. If you feel the need to be disposed of in some sort of cosmic or mysterious way, place yourself in your Recycling Bin, provided to every household in Night Vale, and have someone, preferably someone whom you have no close connections with instead of a relative or someone you love, wheel you to the city limits. The wheels of the bin must be lined up with the city limit border. At around midnight, mysterious yet strangely beautiful lights will appear overhead and bathe your Recycling Bin in light. Stay inside the bin. After fifteen minutes, the lights will disappear and so will you. If you try to exit the bin during this process, only part of you will be taken with the lights. Please be sure to remain inside the bin at all times. You do not want to walk around town as only half of a person, or whatever it is that you are. Also, your bin will be gone with the lights along with the other half of you and you do not get another Recycling Bin to try it again.

"If you are allergic to the plastic bins, make sure to ask for a hypo-allergenic bin made of metal, wood or an unidentifiable substance that is very sticky and black first found under a bench outside of Big Rico's Pizza – no one does a slice like Big Rico's, no one – in order to be carted out to the city limits to ascend to a higher plane via the mysterious sky lights.

"And now, the weather."