Cars whizzed past on the street behind me as I contemplated my next move. I was standing in an ally looking at something that would be difficult for me to do; I was standing in front of a sewer grate. My objective was to go into this Magical Depot (just like Home Depot, but switching the tools for magical items), and get a number of herbs for Willow. Getting the herbs was not the big; it was in fact the sewer grate in front of me.

For the past six months or so every time I dropped into a sewer my mind decided to play tricks on me. Two ghost images come to life before my eyes and forces me to relive one of the hardest days of my life. It'shim and I, we walk along the sewers. I can hear the quiet murmur of their voices but not the actual words not that it matters my legs start moving on their own anyways. I follow in a trance only focusing on how small I look, but I just know I couldn't have been so small, so fragile, and so weak. I just continue on following them no matter who is with me, or which sewer it is. The illusions walk along, sometimes for minutes or for hours and I follow quietly blocking out reality. But once the illusions decide it's time they stop, and I know only heartbreak can come. No matter how much I want to run my legs lock into place and all I can do is watch and relive it as it was. As the mumbles of their voices raise and the words become clearer all I can do is analyze what could've went different if only I'd said something else, did something different, but hindsight is always twenty/twenty.

"I Don't!" My delusion shouts at me, the only two words I can hear clearly. He said those words clearly, carefully, and calculated. They were said with a purpose, with a reason something I completely understand, and know it had to be said. But knowing that doesn't lessen the pain said by those words doesn't stop the knife from ripping my heart into bits. I can tell behind, usually blurry eyes that they are still talking, but the only words I can hear are the ones he said so forcefully, and it rocks me to my core.

The honking of a horn nearby shocks me out of my day dream, and I stare at the grate. Sighing I slowly bend down to remove the grate. I stop and look into the sewer before taking the list of herbs Willow needs out of my pocket. I needed to do this; it was the only way to figure out what was causing these hallucinations. It's quite a problem when chasing a vampire down into a sewer to be mystically pulled away. Reality means nothing to me when stuck in a trace, and Willow knows it the best. She almost became a vampire snack because of one. Willow had been screaming my name, but I didn't hear her till the last second. I barely saved her. She was afraid of letting me go into the sewer by myself, but I was the only one with enough street credit to get in. Apparently this magical depot was very picky into whom they let in, but I guess 'Buffy the vampire slayer' is on the list. Roughly shoving the list back into my pocket, I started down the metal ladder.

When my feet touched the bottom I slowly turned my head to see ghost me waiting along side with ghost him, images only my eyes could see. When the rumble of their hushed voices reached my ears my feet began to move without my consent. I followed my eyes glued to the figures, as I tried to somehow mentally prepare myself. I don't know why I would try, you can't protect yourself, from yourself right? I could see them getting ready for the main attraction, and I braced myself when they dissipated in front of my eyes. Could I have found the magic depot already? If they disappeared because of a protection spell would it mean I could get this over with? No more basically sleepless nights watching the images of our worst times flash by my eyes? Could their really be such a simple freedom?

Life isn't fair or even kind and while I knew that by someone's ironic humor life decided to be especially unfair to me but this was just uncalled for, and in my current state devastating. Standing only twenty or so feet away from me was him, the man who broke my heart and the man who still owned the pieces, the original vampire with a soul, Angel. My breath caught in my throat, my legs turned into cement and my voice was lost. Angel was not alone; there beside him was a girl, a small blonde girl yelling at him, and desperately trying to get him to see her side of the argument. I could only see my self in her frame, and by Angel's body movements could picture his face. His clear, cold, rational face as he shut her arguments down efficiently. I could tell he was getting annoyed.

"I don't!"

I stopped breathing for a minute, when those words hit. The girl was in tears by now and as she tried to push past him, he spun and grabbed her arm. I wanted to yell at him, but the girl was doing a good job of it. I tried to hear the words, but my ears wouldn't focus. Then my knees decided to buckle and I crashed to the ground. That was a mistake, Angel's head shot up and our eyes locked. I couldn't breath, and I tried to gasp for air but I was frozen. Nothing would move my mind wouldn't work, as he took a few steps towards me. The blonde girl was looking this way, I broke contact with Angel's eyes to look at her. She was so scared, and the tears rolled down her eyes. But no, she wasn't crying. I felt my face I was the one who was crying, looking back up at the girl she seemed worried and started walking towards me as well. I knew I had to run but nothing would work.

"Buffy?"

Angel's voice broke my concrete shell. I jumped up and took off, running back to the ladder. I climbed up till the sun shone its shine on me filling me with relief but still the adrenaline wouldn't let me stop so I kept running. I ran on and on even when I felt the warning rain drops before it began to pour. But nothing was working right, I had to run.

When my feet decided to stop I found myself in front of another alley. The rain was still pouring down on my head, and everything ached. My heart still pounded in my chest from all the running, which didn't make it any easier to breathe. I needed to sit down and rest. The alley wasn't the most attractive place but I needed to stop and so I made my way down. Feeling some sort of sick pleasure when there was no sewer grate in sight, I pushed my self into a corner between the back and a side.

The last few months had been hell. Sliding down I pulled my knees up against myself, and laid my head on my knees. When was the last time I had a good nights sleep? I was just so tired. These visions, or delusions or whatever you call them started haunting me constantly after the ''Coffee Guy'' as I so call him.

I was sitting at a little café in Rome, trying to escape from my new apartment since Andrew had wiggled his way into it already. Searching for a way to remove Andrew, I didn't even notice someone had sat down across from me till he asked me what was wrong. The man had an Irish accent, and the most persuasive eyes that just made me want to tell him everything that was wrong in my life. This complete stranger just sat there and waited for me to talk, and I did. I started talking to him about my problems with Andrew, and then why I moved to Rome; eventually getting on to my failed relationships going back the whole complicated mess that is my relationship with Angel. He sat there the whole time and I just knew he was listening.

He looked at me, and then smiled. Then he gave me one of the biggest reality checks of my life.

"You are still in love with Angel." I didn't even have time to deny it. "You have been subconsciously trying to change every man you've been with. Riley, went from khakis and button down shirts to dark pants and dark knitted sweaters. He got the whole Angel wardrobe, but that wasn't good enough and after you pushed him away you started on your next target. Spike who was already a vampire tried to be a good little vampire, but when that wasn't enough he went through hell to get a soul for you. But Spike could never be Angel no matter how you tried to throw Angel's persona on him. Even now with that last guy, he was exactly what you said you wanted. 'Regular Joe' and you threw him away because he was normal. You have to face it. You are still in love with Angel, and no guy can ever be him. No guy will ever be as dark, or mysterious, or brooding as Angel."

He looked at me, and I was so angry. I wanted to say something; anything but I couldn't find my voice. He just smiled at me, and got up.

"The dreams will help." And with that he walked away, but only ten or so feet from me did he disappear before my eyes. He gave me no name or anything, even after I spilled my life story but I found I wasn't as shocked by his disappearing as I was by his words. I was over Angel, I'd seen Angel and been with Angel and knew that our love would never be. I was not in love with him, I moved on. But I was wrong.

The dreams I'm guessing that my mysterious 'Coffee Guy' were talking about hit me a few days after our visit. While the first nights were about the kinder times, us enjoying our blissful ignorance it soon turned sour, and I was on edge all the while trying to keep my relationship up with The Immortal, a pleasant demon I'd met a few weeks before 'Coffee Guy'. Things were going alright, they were just dreams something I could forget about when the day started. But it didn't stay like that for long; soon the dreams were materializing before my eyes. Still I tried to forget it, to block it out. It was only happening when we went some where memorable.

It wasn't long till trouble stirred up. Angel and Spike decided to visit Rome. It was a business trip in all aspects; they had to get some demon head back to L.A. before a huge demon war broke out. Most would believe that they would do what they were supposed to do, get the head and get home, but I know Angel. He was not going to come to Rome and pass up lurking or visiting me specially. So I convinced The Immortal to change the plans from a quiet night at home to an all out dance party at a local club. He agreed with me and we headed out.

But Angel would not be deterred so easily, and came to that dance club. I thought it was some delusion of mine coming to haunt me, but when I saw Spike at the bar surveying the crowd, I knew he was really there. With my recent dreams I didn't think I could stand to be with Angel. So I freaked, and The Immortal got someone to steal whatever it was Angel needed to get back to L.A. Something Angel was not happy about but it kept him distracted. I hid out with The Immortal at his place, not being able to breathe easy till Angel was reported back in L.A.

It was a week after that and the dreams were getting worse. I was trying to decide if I should call Willow to see what she could do about it. It was occurring to me that these weren't just nightmares something was causing them, plus I hadn't told anyone about my encounter with 'Coffee Guy' yet. Angel was filling my head, and I was still worried he would come back to try and find me, when The Immortal sat me down. He looked at me and smiled, the same sad smile ''Coffee Guy'' gave me. Tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear he told me it was over.

"Angel is still very much on your mind. I am The Immortal, and only The Immortal there is no way I could ever be Angel. I'm sorry Buffy, but only Angel can be Angel."

He left me in my apartment glued to my couch. This was the second man in a month to tell me Angel was the only man I loved. It was just too bad we could never be together. That whole creature of the night turns evil when he's happy thing, isn't something we can just overcome. Angel broke my heart once to try and give me a future. I found out I wanted a future; I wanted children and a house and a dog, and a husband who could go out in the daytime. It wasn't too much to ask for was it? Angel didn't think so and that is why he left. I owed it to him to make sure the gesture wasn't done in vain, right?

Wrong. My dreams only proved how wrong I was. As each night came the main event started to become the conversations we had about the future, what he could give and what he couldn't. Then the things I did to get that family I wanted, but no matter how I tried the only husband, only father of my children was Angel. The one I knew couldn't be those things. So when our last conversation about futures and who was going to be in them, and who wasn't came along with those two defining definite words broke my heart. I knew it couldn't happen and it was rubbed in my nose each and every night that Angel was still in my thoughts of the future, but I wasn't in his. How could I be? After my little cookie dough speech about needing to grow and find myself, I don't think Angel would even calculate me in as a factor in his plans. Why would I be?

The sound of footsteps shook me out of my pondering. Silently praying that who ever they were would go away, I was in no condition to fight anyone or anything. There was no sign of stopping, and I tensed my body. I was ready to throw a punch if needed but this whole 'ignore them and hope they go away' idea was what I was going for. Someone grabbed my hand, and my head shot up in a flash. Staring back at me were the two very concerned eyes of a certain vampire who just wouldn't leave me alone.

"You're bleeding."