Before the whole prom/black panties in said pocket/cheating debacle. . . .


"It's Time"


"Dr. Shepherd..."

A knock. The door opened. A face. His colleague. A smile. Not exactly. A familiar smile. It's filled with sorrow.

He looked up from the many scans scattered all over his table, a calming narrative, as she approached him slowly. Wearily. She didn't have to say a word.

Her face says it all.

It's time.

He was sitting, rooted in his seat, eye-to-eye with the the stern and sturdy resident.

It's time.

His office was in pin-drop silence. He don't think Bailey was even breathing. She was just staring at him. And he was just staring at her.

It's time.

There were no cases or surgeries to distract his rampant mind today. The past weeks, actually. All he has been doing for the past few months was waiting. Waiting. More waiting. And even more waiting for the time.

"Derek ..."

Her voice cracked at his name. She's Dr. Bailey. She does not crack. She should not crack. Because if she does, he would too and he does not know how to stop himself, if he could even stop himself.

It's bad, Derek.

And he knew what it meant. He knew he had to hurry. He knew it would just be a matter of hours. He knew it was today.

The worst possible day of his life.

The hardest geste one could ever face in their entire life.

Though he have been awaiting for this specific call for the past three months now, though he have tried to prepare himself for the inevitable, though he have accepted this nightmare, he doesn't want to do this. He cannot do this. He cannot believe this is it.

It's time.

"We're ..." her voice was a small whisper - so not like The Nazi - and she went back to being silent again.

He nodded in response. He doesn't want her to say it. He couldn't get himself to say a single word as well.

Not now. Not today.

Prepare yourself. That is something routine for him, something he always say to the families of his patients. And that's something that shouldn't have ever been said to him.

He is not prepared. He never will be prepared.

No one can ever be ready. They're doctors. They should just treat this like it's any other patients. But it is hard when the patient is one of your own.

"It's time."

The corners of his mouth twitched to a frown, his eyes stung at the impending tears. He's about to cry and he knows he shouldn't. He shouldn't cry. He doesn't want to. He have been crying for the past couple of months. He's tired of crying. But he has to.

This was the most painful feeling he has ever felt. It's indescribable.

Never will he wish this feeling upon his worst enemy.

But he's Derek Shepherd, he does not have any enemies.

"It's time, Shepherd."


Walking into the white luminescent room, a room he have walked into many times before, he was greeted by the presence of a Catholic priest.

Addison is not religious. Not at all. Not by any means. She doesn't believe of the Almighty above. She believes in science and concrete evidence that provides grounds and merits for a notion and to her, the holy book is not enough.

Why interfere with God's plan by trying to cure a sick man or save the life of a child with cancer? The cancer is God's plan, isn't it? Let it play out the way he wants.

She had read that somewhere, once. She shouldn't have because that was the beginning of her slipping away.

If God loved all His children, why would He have made her suffer?

No parent would want such sorrow for their child.

So, having such figure in this room was quite the shock.

But today she had insisted.

She saw the calm, strength and the sense of tranquility the inhibitors - much like her - were in at the anointing, before they took their last breath and that was when - after watching roommates after roommates, after watching death's taking after death's taking - she knew she had to feel the same way before departing. It was what she had wished for her entire life.

Peace.

To be surrounded by the people she loved.

Addison have been here, at this very event, over a month ago when she still had the capacity to walk or to open her eyes for more than five minutes, but today, the roles are reversed.

She is the passing.

Derek swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded at the Father. Walking in, he saw peace and courage, he can sense the purity in this very room.

She's ready for eternal life.

But he isn't.

He isn't ready to let her go.

He shouldn't have let her go.

Even with what she has done to their marriage, he will, of course, forever care about her...love her.

Love like that don't just fade away.

It was senseless of him to not actually actually try and work out their marriage. It was months and months of worthless and petty arguments. But he really thought he was trying to work things out with her.

He was so obtuse that it took him two innocent bruises the size of a tennis ball on her back and a confirmed diagnosis by the hospital's oncologist - the best of the best - to realise that he still very much cared for her, that despite his constant I-don't-need-you, I-don't-want-you, I-don't-ever-want-to-see-you-again, he still needed her, he still wanted her and wanted to see her again and again and again

Alive.

And so he tore up the divorce papers she had previously given him - before her diagnosis - and told her that he's not signing.

... for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health ...

"Don't don't sign it just because I'm dying, Derek! I don't need your pity right now! I'll be fine all by myself. I can take care of myself." she had screamed at him but he shook his head, adamant at his decision - he will stay by her side.

He still loves her.

Trying his best to grab onto her flailing and angry shoulders, to get her to calm down. "Listen to me." he grabbed her cheeks that were hot under his palms.

"No, Derek! You listen to me! I'm fine, okay. Just sign the goddamn papers already. It's what you've always wanted, right? Just do it then. I can do this myself. I can, I can die ..." but her words trailed off at that and she just stared past at nothing - she's thinking, he knows that - burst out crying, then. "I don't want to die alone, Derek!"

Nobody wants to die alone.

"I'm so scared ..."

Deep, wretched sobs erupted from her throat and she clung to him, and he held her just as tight, vowed to never let her go.

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry, Derek. I love you. I don't wanna leave you. Oh god, I don't want to die. I don't. I don't ..."

She have been fighting this uphill battle for months now, a battle where she's bound to lose. It was difficult for him to comprehend that maybe if it wasn't for him by her side, she would've been gone a long time ago.

She had insisted that she did not want to go through another round of chemo but he had practically forced her into doing it again. Even when the cancer cells did not abase at all. Even when the oncologist said there was just no hope, but they could try one more time. He just couldn't grasp the thought of her leaving him, leaving this world.

That there will be no Addison walking on earth.

Not his Addison, at least.

Just one last time, Addie. Please ...

Maybe he should've listened to her.

Then, she wouldn't have to suffer again.

She did it for him. It was always for him.

Ok, Derek. I'll do it.

The chemotherapy was slowly killing her. He didn't see that then. His judgment was so clouded, so precarious, so desperate for her to live that he did not notice that the very dose was why she was slowly drifting away.

It was selfish of him. He was only thinking of himself.

No! He really thought she could fight the cancer. But, God, he was so wrong.

It, he was slowing killing her.

"... In the letter of James, the word of God commends us; Is anyone among you sick? He shall summon the presbyters of the church ..." the priest begun and they all joined hands, praying for Addison.

Coming from a religious Catholic background, Derek have long discarded the religion. After his father was murdered, he just didn't want to believe anymore. One may say it was merely a test of his faith and trust in God. A test that he have clearly failed. It made no sense to him. It still doesn't. But this was her dying wish. He had to respect it.

"... Addison, through this holy anointing may the Lord in His love and mercy help you with the grace of the Holy Spirit." He continued on to drawing a cross on her forehead and the palms of her hand with the oil of sacrament, "May the Lord who frees you from sin save you and raise you up."

"Amen."

"Thank you, Father." Richard said as everyone else just continued to watch as she tried her hardest to take a single breath.

Derek felt helpless, standing idly by Mark and Archer.

He was defeated.

Everyone were.

It was slowly killing her. Slowly killing her bright smile, her enthusiasm and will to live. Now Derek would kill to see that glow in his wife's eyes. Just once. Just once so he would know that Addison would die with a sparkle and go out shining like the beautiful star she is. But that won't happen. He knows that in his heart; the chemo had taken away the Addison, the woman he had fallen in love with and left him with an empty shell that struggled to smile, who was barely recognisable.

It was the same with his father. He watched his father die and now, it's his wife.

Bailey went to sit by her side and wipe down her face that was drenched in cold sweat.

Addison was diagnosed with acute promyelocytic leukaemia, over a year ago, a rare form of acute myeloid leukaemia. A cancer of the white blood cells, characterised by an abnormal accumulation of immature granulocytes called promyelocytes in the bone marrow and by a translocation between chromosomes 15 and 17.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd ..." her strong voice shook at the sight before her.

Her ocean blue eyes fluttered as she struggled to stay conscious, to fight the fog that threaten her to go into the light.

She hoped there is one for her.

For all her sins, she hopes there still is a door for her.

"My...parents ..."

Nodding with a thin smile on her lips, she caressed her protruding cheek. She turned around to see her brother poking at his phone furiously, then stepping out to once again try and reach their parents.

"They're on their way." she lied. She couldn't reach them. She tried contacting them. She really did. She hopes Archer could reach them before it's too late, before they regret their decision of not showing up. Because she will be damned if she doesn't give them a piece of her mind.

She didn't want Addison to waste her last hours thinking about a lost cause, blaming herself for why the people who had given birth to her couldn't be here, at her death bed.

"You're an inspiration, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd...I wish we could've gotten to know each other longer...together we'd make these fools way way miserable." she laughed but it sounded more like a cry for help. A whimper.

"We're...a force...to be...reckoned...with."

"That's right."

She closed her eyes, smiling a thin weak smile for the woman whom she have come to like very much, whom she have delightfully considered a friend, whom have liked her even before this mess happened.

"Thank...you..." she breathed in deep agonising breaths. Her dry and cracked lips telling them she was in pain.

No one, not a single soul, did not not shed a tear. They all cried. They were not ashamed of the tears they weep. It wasn't a sign of weakness but the love they have for their attending. The Satan whom have made their lives miserable but they know it was all for the better, for them to grow into successful doctors.

"...Stop...crying ..." her voice sounded so coarse, so pitiful that they didn't want her to talk but at the same time, they needed to hear her voice one last time.

"Der..."

He looked at Meredith who was crying silently next to him then at his empty and broken wife, there was no time to cry. But it was all he could do.

It was all anyone could do.

"Hi." he said through tears and he reached out to intertwine her frail and cold fingers with his, placing kisses on the thin skin that covered her knuckles.

The disease had taken so much of her. Her memories, her love, her smile and laugh. It had taken her hair, bones, blood and happiness. She had refused to kiss him. Half of the time because she was ashamed, the other because it was agonising. It hurts, Der. It hurt her chapped and split lips so much to even part for a breath of air.

The only evident sounds were her loud laboured intakes of breath patterned with a pause. His heart broke at hearing the sounds of death but he knows she wasn't even aware of it.

"H-hi..."

It was as if time hadn't flown by, it was just like the first day he laid eyes on her at their campus library, he knew then that he was in love with her. He just fell even more madly and deeply in love with her by the day. The dimples by her cheeks, the crinkle by her eyes as she smiled her heartwarming smile. With the patches of scab and irritation on her scalp and her greying skin that left nothing but bones, she still looked ever so beautiful.

She looks the same to him.

He saw regret and apology in her eyes.

She's sorry. And he knows that.

She's sorry for not keeping her promise of growing old together.

She's sorry for not baring children.

She's sorry for not fulfilling his dream for a family.

She's sorry for not being a good wife.

She's sorry for having to make him go through this.

But most of all he knows she is sorry for her infidelity.

He's sorry too.

"Enough." he had told her when he grew tired of her apologies. He knows she's genuinely sorry. He knows. He knows. "I've already forgiven you a long time ago, Addie. It's ok. It's past us now. We're ok."

They are okay.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to live without you, Addie ..."

He cannot imagine a life without her. He cannot even remember what his life was before he had met her.

When she was at the hospital and her immune system was too compromised to have any visitors, Derek would hold her pillow against his nose, breathing in the vanilla he had come to memorise. And he cried every night.

He was so terrified.

He looked into her ocean blue eyes. Hollow. They were so tired but still so full of life.

"Don't...don't say that ..." she coughed. Thankfully, with the morphine, she wasn't feeling as much pain as she was supposed to.

She have been wasting away for the last six months. That is what stage four cancer would do to a person. It was already too late when they first found out but the doctors seemed optimal but with a slight skepticism.

Over a year and a half of brutality aggressive chemotherapy until Dr. Goldberg said there was no point in going for another, a third round. The cells had already metastasised, rendering her hopeless. That news alone broke her. The calm and optimistic composure was gone, Derek knew then that she was no longer his Addison.

She was never the same again.

"I don't want you to be miserable for the rest of your life, Der. I want you to move on. I expect you to move on." she felt her throat tighten and could not stop the tears that began to fall down her face, "I love you...more than you know it...I want you happy...So be good to Meredith...I like her...Be the best husband...Don't be absent ..."

Not like he was with her.

All she ever wanted was for Derek to be happy. She wants him to live his life to the utmost fullest. She do not want to see him merely wait out the rest of his life. She do not expect him to.

He looked at her with so much hurt, tears falling in torrents. "I don't know if..." he kissed the top of her head, rubbing her cheek. "I don't...Addison, I'll follow you..."

She was the first person whom he have truly loved.

"No..." she looked furious at his implication. She did not want him to take his life for her. She did not want such sacrifice. She wanted his happiness at all cost. "Can't be selfish...You still love her, I know you do." she coughed. "She'd..be devastated..."

He grasped her dying hand even tighter and brought them to his lips, "What about me?" his voice sounded so small, so afraid, so unlike him.

A world without Addison was like a world without beauty, love and vibrancy.

At least to him, it wasn't.

She tried to squeeze his hand reassuringly, "You will move on. It'll take time and I know it'll hurt but I need you to move on..." she swallowed hard, it was evident that it took everything in her to talk. "I can't die knowing that you're going to spend the rest of your life grieving."

It was true. Addison did not want to see Derek a widower for the remainder of his life; devoid of love and happiness.

"I promise you, Red, I'll be here for Derek. Always and forever. Remember-" Mark tried to muster up a weak smile as he took in the sight of her.

Addison had always been slender but now she looked to be reduced to nothing. A puff in the air and she'll disappear. That's a terrible metaphor. Considering the circumstance. Her veins ran prominently through her wrist and the crowning glory of her once red hair was lank.

She looked up at everyone with an appreciative smile. She's not alone. By their red, tear stained and puffy eyes, she knew they all have been crying. It was good to know that after her passing, they will be looking out for Derek. "Thank you."

All Derek could do in return was wrap his arms around her frail shoulders and pull her closer. She just smiled softly and laid her head on his heart. Their fingers; together and he cannot help but notice how blue her nails have become.

It won't be long now.

He took a deep breath that sounded more like a sob, "You're the bravest person I know. I love you." he kissed her temple one last time. A kiss that was to be their last.

"I love you so much more."

Derek's a neurosurgeon. It is his job to analyse every detail of every situation, to come up with answers and solutions. But this time, he didn't have any. There are no solutions to cancer.

She had fought all her life, proving her worth to everyone, to her parents, and even him when he was neglectful, she's a hero in every sense of that word. But that same woman was beaten down by a six letter word.

Cancer.

She has cancer.

One cannot ever fight cancer, cancer fights you.

And cancer had fought her.

Addison passed a couple of hours later at exactly 9:13pm. She passed in loving arms. And it was more than she could ever ask for.

As Derek watched his wife blink out her existence like an unplugged Christmas tree, as he watched Addison's hollow and empty eyes snap open one last time to reveal her dead and dull blue irises, he prayed that this was all a dream.

But it wasn't.

"Please come back." he cried, rocking Addison in his arms as he desperately pleaded for his dead wife to come back to him.

Hospital staff shook their heads at a distance, having seen it all before, having seen so many desperate lovers scream at the world to give back what had been unrightfully taken away.

Tears fell onto her pale and sunken face, a few droplets giving life to small spots on her dry lips. He wanted to kiss her so so badly but he knew she wouldn't want the memory of their last kiss to be something so desperate and sad.

So he stood, laying her back down and tucking her comfortably into the hospital bed, making sure she looked at peace. And for the first time in years, she did.

She's in peace.

He kissed the top of her head before standing and silently leaving the hospital room, his heavy footsteps echoing in the silent hallways. Mark and Meredith calling after him.

He's ready now.


Hey guys! Thanks for reading! Did you guys tear up? Because I did.

Love Addek angst as much as I do? Let me know what you think!

And if you have any one shot ideas, please let me know.

Oh and please check out my other Addek story, it's called Karma.

Long live Addek! Haha!