Right...the sequel to Bereft baffled and bewildered. For those who felt queasy with all that angst...this will settle your stomach...a little. But there are some healthy doses of that angst to start with...well, we didn't leave them in a very good place at the end of Bereft...now did we? Patience...
So, a short recap. Emily and Naomi got together when they were just out of their teens. Naomi worked in a multiplex cinema and Emily was a shy little virgin with an over protective sister and a monster of a mum (ring any bells?) Anyway, they got together eventually and...in Bereft, Naomi got jilted at the altar, (not deliberately) by Emily. Ems's mum had kidnapped her and sent her off to a 'conversion' unit to cure her of her gayness, the night before she could marry Naomi. Katie turned out to be quite supportive of her twin, and they were reunited after Emily's dad got her out. Trouble is, Emily blamed Naomi for not getting her out sooner, as she'd had to put up with Freddie having his wicked way with her nightly in there, and sort of went off the rails in a big way. Drinking, drugs and random shags with other hot dykes. Things came to a head when Naomi couldn't forgive Emily, and they split. Emily went to New Zealand (see...land of the long white cloud...clever, innit?) to be with Katie, who had a fashion job there, and Naomi stayed in Dublin, running a pub for Kieran and Gina. Phew...
Everyone with me? Right so then...as Kieran would say...at least he would if he was still playing Dougal in Father Ted…
Naomi
"Quantas Airlines are pleased to announce that this flight will be shortly landing in Perth, Western Australia. Would passengers please close up their trays and return their seat backs to the vertical position for landing? Captain Warne and his crew would like to take this opportunity..."
Yadda yadda yadda... I thought. Why do airlines always make this big announcement about where you're about to land? It's not as if its gonna come as a shock, is it? "Oh no...I thought it was the shuttle to Paris" isn't heard very often, is it?
But thats just me being grumpy after a less than comfortable long haul flight. Nearly 19 hours in the air, and I'm just about through with in flight movies, all of which seem to feature Katherine Heigl...I mean, she's pretty, and I'd definitely shag her, but romcoms are for late nights with Ben & Jerry's and vanilla vodka...not endless noisy flights to the other side of the world. All the free booze in the hold doesn't make up for being squeezed between a perspiring businessman in a tropical suit a size too small, and a small, very talkative old lady, who once she discovered I was gay, decided to regale me with stories about her own adolescent... experiments. Jesus, I thought at one point I would definitely be taking advantage of the posh sick bags in the business section. My mum and Kieran had insisted I fly Business Class, and I suppose I should thank them for it, judging my the scrum in cattle class, but I still think it was a waste of £2000.
Anyway, as I stretched my aching neck muscles and peered through the window, over the small lady's smiling face, I caught my first glimpse of the Indian Ocean below. It was cloudless out there, and as the aircraft slowed, I could start to see roads and the harbour on the Swan River outlined below in vivid blue and ochre.
Soon enough we were bumping the wheels down on the tarmac and the big jet engines roared into reverse thrust, slowing us down dramatically. I only had to suffer one more lesbian anecdote from Mrs Marple and one more unsubtle leer at my arse from Mr Perspiration, and I was up and out of my seat. I grabbed my flight bag and started forward to the open doors.
'Jesus, its fucking hot', was my first thought. My second being, 'Of course it is, you twat...its Australia'.
But it was fucking hot. I was glad I'd taken the time, an hour ago, to change into a pair of shorts and a loose shirt. After the cold and rain of Dublin, this was going to be a real climate shock.
So why are you in Australia?, I hear you say. If you were gonna go to the bottom of the world, shouldn't you be in New Zealand...where the love of your life went nearly a year ago? Well that would be true, if she was still the love of my life (and don't start, nasty little inner voice...she's really not the love of my life any more, is she?) But Emily has been gone for a while now, and apparently she's moved on pretty impressively. Effy and even Katie to an extent, keep me up to date with all matters Fitch. Not that I want to know. The last thing you need to hear when you're grieving over a lost love, is to find out they're doing brilliantly, all loved up with someone else and having a whale of a time. Is it?
So when I got through the interminable immigration and baggage reclaim sections of the airport, I was relieved to see a familiar face waiting for me in Arrivals.
"Naomi, you lovely Pommie dyke" Effy yelled, which alerted the remaining 22,000,000 people in Australia who didn't know, that I'm gay.
"Thanks Eff" I said irritably "I've just spent an entire flight trying to avoid the passenger next to me relating her ancient lesbian sexual history, and now most of the other passengers are looking at me as if I have 'muff diving here' on my forehead. Cheers"
"What?" she smirked, totally not bothered..."So, you're not gay any more?"
"Yes Eff...I'm still gay..still buffing the beaver like a trooper...although its been a bit thin on the ground in Dublin's Fair City lately. Since I split with Izzy, there seems to be a shortage of hot Irish dykes. I suppose you're still disgustingly loved up with, err...what's her name?"
Effy had the grace to look a bit chastened, but she soon fired off another trademark grin.
"Jenny?" she smiled "Well. Considering you're over here for our wedding, I suppose its still hanging in there by a thread.. Although, you know the offers always there, if you want another dose of Stonem tongue music"
"Fuck off..." I said good naturedly "Jenny would have my proverbial's if it even looked like happening. And anyway...you know one night with me, and you'd be ruined for life with any other female...don't risk everything for a night of orgasmic wonder, Eff"
We both chuckled a bit at that. With Effy and my history, we could afford to be a bit risqué between ourselves, but I don't think her blonde Australian girlfriend would be too happy if we said any of this in front of her. Effy and I did have history, a long time ago, but we operated much better as friends nowadays.
In another 5 minutes, we were skirting the airport car park, and making our way towards Tonkin Highway, and Craigie, where Eff and Jenny lived. And then I saw it...along the roadside...a huge billboard poster, advertising poxy toothpaste, of all things.
The usual trite advertising blurb ran in 2 foot high letters underneath...and above that a ten times life size picture of a smiling model. A brunette, with long hair and stunning chocolate eyes. A model I knew only too well...Emily fucking Fitch.
My eyes locked onto her image, and my heart thumped so hard I swear they would be able to hear it outside the car. I saw Effy's eyes follow mine, as I abruptly stopped talking, and she grimaced.
"Oh fuck...forgot about that babe...Emily is a bit of a celeb over here nowadays"
"No shit Sherlock" I said tightly "My life is now fucking complete"
