Dear Fanfic Writers,

I am awfully, awfully confused.

I don't understand how you ALL, as in every single one of you "Merthur" shippers infer a homoerotic relationship from the events of my liiiiiiiiiiife.

Arthur was my best friend, and contrary to all of your opinions, two straight men are perfectly capable of having a close friendship in which neither of them is the "pitcher" or the "catcher."

AND I LOVE HOW I AM THE CATCHER IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE M-RATED FICS OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD.

Just because I sacrificed my eternal life to watch over Avalon awaiting Arthur's return is not evident of us being meant to be. Honestly, Arthur's coming will mean that the world once again is in trouble and needs him.

Also, Mergana and Guenlin are two heinously inappropriate ships. Morgana is an evil bitch WHO KILLED MY BEST FRIEND and Guinevere IS ARTHUR'S QUEEN.

And two those who ship Gaius x Merlin or Uther x Merlin, I will say nothing more to you than you are sick, sick individuals.

Sincerely, Merlin

P.S. THERE IS NO SPELL TO MAKE ME CAPABLE OF BEARING ARTHUR'S CHILD OH MY GOD I WOULDN'T DO IT EVEN IF I COULD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!