AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a continuation of the story, "The Adventures of Alyson Winchester". You may want to read that story first, so that what is happening in this one makes sense.
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I heard a beeping sound and then a tinny sounding voice, speaking in a panicked tone- "We've got a G.S.W. to the lower left quadrant, we need a transfusion in O.R. 3, STAT!"
A voice said, "Oh no, that's Tiffany, Dr. Sexy's newest intern! She was in a bad part of town and must have been in the wrong place at the wrong time! He doesn't know she's been shot yet!" The voice was familiar to me.
Another voice said, "I can't believe you still watch that crap, Dean." It was familiar too.
The first voice said, "Come on, Sammy, it's not that bad. Dr. Sexy is actually a Julliard-trained actor, and some of the writing on the show is really good."
The second voice scoffed.
I heard melodramatic music swelling in the background. Then it was as if something slid into place in my mind- the voices I was hearing were my brothers...
... I had woken up earlier in a hospital bed in a darkened room in the middle of the night. Bobby Singer was sitting by my bed, baseball cap on his head just like always and a cup of coffee- and probably something else- in his hand.
He had looked at me and said, "Aly, you're awake," and for the first time ever I saw his eyes fill with tears and then the tears actually spill over. When he had brought his hand up to his face to wipe his eyes with his fingers I had flinched, and he noticed.
He had slowly reached out and put his hand on my arm gently and patted it, and then told me, "I'm gonna go get Calvin." After he left the room I looked down- I had tubes and needles taped to my arms and I could feel something in my nose as well. I looked around the room- there was a small table in the corner with a small t.v. on it, a low padded bench, and a couple of chairs. Just moving my head slightly to look around made me dizzy. I wondered where my brothers were. I wondered if Bobby was sitting with me because he was the only one who could stand me now.
Calvin had come into the room and greeted me, and at the sight of his familiar face I had gotten tears in my eyes. He wasn't a member of my family, he had no reason to hate me or reject me...so maybe he was safe. He was a doctor after all, and their first responsibility was to their patients.
Bobby had excused himself, and Calvin had examined me, and then taken out the nasogastric tube and other various tubing. He had walked me to the bathroom, his arm around my waist, and set me on the toilet so I could try and pee after having had a catheter in. It took a while but I was successful. Standing up again made me dizzy, and I banged on the bathroom door to let him know I was done. He had brought me back to the bed and told me, "Everyone's gonna be real happy to see ya, little lady."
I just looked at him.
"Bobby finally convinced 'em to let him do night duty, so they could get some rest. They've been here by your bed practically 24-7. They should be up in a couple hours."
He re-attached my IV and then pulled the covers up. "I'll see about takin' your IV out later in the day. Get some rest."
I was surprised at how tired out I had gotten just from walking to and from the bathroom, but almost as soon as he had left the room, I had fallen asleep again...
I opened my eyes slightly and looked around, just moving my eyes.
Dean was sitting in a chair by the table in the corner, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, focused on the small television on a table in the corner. Sam was standing a couple of feet behind him, leaning on the wall. He had a mug in each hand.
"Do you want your coffee or not?" he asked.
Dean turned in the chair and reached up, and Sam held one of the mugs out. Dean took it and then started to turn back towards the t.v. He glanced over at me and then stopped and stared at me for a moment.
"Sam," he said quietly, looking up at him, "I think she's awake." He sounded nervous and hopeful.
Then he turned his head and looked at me. "Alyson?" he said in a hoarse voice.
I moved my head a little bit and opened my eyes all the way.
"Aly, oh my God!" Dean's voice was relieved and scared.
Dean got up, putting his cup on the bench, and Sam bent down and placed his cup next to Dean's and then they both rushed over to me, each of them going to one side of the bed.
I felt startled by the sudden movement and pulled my knees up in front of me and wrapped my arms around them so I was curled into a ball.
"You're awake!" Dean said loudly, leaning down and trying to take my hand.
I flinched again and pulled my hand away from him, tensing up. I put my head down on my knees as I felt tears come to my eyes.
I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Aly, what's wrong?" Sam asked in a quiet voice. "Look at me. Talk to me. You're okay, you're safe now."
I didn't feel safe. I twisted my shoulder out of his grasp. I didn't know if I could trust them- or anything. I felt on edge- I could barely remember what had happened before, but I did remember that there were demons, so many demons, and I remembered how terrified I had felt. My memories had also gotten jumbled up with the dreams I had been having too, so I felt like I didn't even know what was real and what was a dream.
I turned my head slightly and peered at him over my knees. I watched as he blinked- his eyes looked wet with tears, but they didn't change to black or yellow, they were the same hazel eyes that Sam had always had. His forehead was creased with worried lines. He raised his eyebrows as he saw me looking at him.
Then I buried my head on my knees again. "You won't want me." I said hoarsely.
"What?" Dean said. I felt a hand touch my arm, and the side of the bed gave a little as he sat down. "What are you talking about?"
I lifted my head and glanced at him briefly. He was facing me, and he looked confused and worried. I spoke to my knees. I said, "I ran away. I did- I did all sorts of terrible things. I was living in a houseful of demons! I'm a monster now- I can do things with my mind, move things and see the future- I'm a monster, and I can't be part of this family!" My voice was loud and agonized by the end of my speech.
Tears filled my eyes and I lowered my head onto my knees and took a deep breath, trying not to be overcome with emotion.
"What the hell?" Dean asked incredulously. "What do you mean? We rescued you, you're safe now, that's all we've wanted is to get you back and make sure you're okay."
"I'm not okay," I rasped. My throat was so sore and dry.
"Alyson," Sam said. "Aly, look at me." He put his hand gently on my shoulder again and I gave a small gasp.
I peeked at him again as he leaned down to look me in the face.
"Aly, I can do those things too. I can move things with my mind, and I had premonitions, and you and I- we communicated with each other, didn't we? Remember how we sent each other those memories and images? Does that mean I'm a monster too? Should I not be part of this family either?"
I hadn't thought of that. When Azazel had been talking to me he had always talked about how I was the freak of the family, the monster that they wouldn't want back, the one with the freakish abilities that my family would want to hunt. I had forgotten about how Sam and I had communicated with each other. Would Azazel have said those things to me if he knew about Sam? Had he known about Sam as well? Maybe he had just been saying those things to make me feel bad and make me not trust my family?
But then, I had run away from them. Running away was a big no-no in our family. When Sam had run away to Flagstaff he had gotten into huge trouble with Dad, and Dean, afterwards. It had been a horrible time for all of us. Had they been upset about me being gone, as upset as I remembered being about Sam? I had thought that they would have been relieved to have gotten away from me, relieved that they weren't burdened with having to take care of me anymore. Or was that more lies that Azazel had put into my head?
I felt confused, and that made my head ache.
"I—I don't know!" I said, and tried to clear my throat. I wrapped my arms tighter around my legs and buried my face in my knees again, curling up tighter.
"What's- what- why is she acting like this?" Dean sounded distressed. "I thought she'd be happy to see us! What's- I don't understand!" I felt a hand on my arm again and I wrenched myself away from it, making a scratchy shrieking sound in my throat.
"Let me go get Calvin." I heard Sam say, and then I heard the squeak of door hinges.
I felt the bed shift as Dean stood up and I heard him walk away. I glanced quickly over at him- he was facing away from me, his head down slightly, and I saw his shoulders shake a little bit. He raked his hand through his hair, sighing, and then he brought his hand up and wiped his eyes as he turned back towards me.
The door opened again and Sam came back in, followed by Calvin. They walked over to the bed and Calvin looked at me.
"Well howdy, little lady," he said, "Good to see you again." He smiled kindly at me. I noticed then that there were people behind him, I could see the familiar baseball cap on Uncle Bobby's head, but then-
Calvin stepped to the side, and then my father walked over to the bed. I felt stunned- the last time I had seen him, he had had a knife in his chest and I was certain he was dying. How could he be standing here, alive, looking at me, unless-
He looked down at me, smiling, and there were tears in his eyes.
"Oh, Alyson, I'm so glad to see you," he said, and his voice was full of emotion. "Baby girl-" he reached for me, and I moved away from him on the bed, over to the opposite edge.
"NO!" I screamed loudly, and immediately regretted it, as my throat now felt like it was on fire.
"What?" the man who looked like my father said. His face looked devastated, and I watched him, waiting for his eyes to change color. "Alyson, what's wro-"
"How can you-" I looked up at Sam.
"Alyson, what-" Dean started to say at the same time.
"It's a demon!" I shrieked, and my voice cracked. I burst into tears and pulled the covers up to my chin, as if that would help protect me from its powers.
All of them were looking at each other as if they were trying to figure out what to say.
"Why do you think that?" Sam asked calmly.
"The last thing I remember...was seeing Dad get stabbed! The knife went in...all the way up to the hilt!" I looked up at Sam and then at Dean, imploringly. "How could he be alive now, unless a demon was possessing him?"
My brothers looked at each other, doing their "talking without words" thing that they do sometimes.
"How much do you remember of the rescue?" Sam asked.
I thought back, but all I got was a jumble of images, and I couldn't sort through them right then.
"I don't know..." I said. "Why?"
"The angel, do you remember him?" Dean asked, and his tone was urgent.
I looked up at him. "Angel? There wasn't an angel there!" I looked around me in a panic. They were trying to tell me that there had been an angel in the midst of all those demons- oh my God! What if all of them were possessed, and just trying to trick me so I would let my guard down-
"No!" I tried to shriek again, but my voice gave out. "There was no angel there, you're lying!" I glared up at Dean. "Who the hell are you? Are you all possessed?"
I looked over at Calvin, panic suddenly rising in my stomach and making its way up into my chest. "How could you let them in here?"
I realized something- something horrible- "How can they even be in here, I thought this place was warded against demons- unless you—you're-"
I stared up at Calvin as he stepped closer to the bed, his hands up in a placating gesture.
"Shh, Alyson, no-"
"ARE YOU ALL DEMONS?!" I shrieked hoarsely. I got up in a crouch on the bed and held my hands up in front of me.
"Alyson-" the man wearing my father's meatsuit said in a helpless voice. He stepped closer to the bed and put one hand out. "Please-"
"DON'T TOUCH ME! GET AWAY!" I yelled. "Exorcizamus te omnis immundus spiritus-" the words spilled out of my mouth unbidden, from somewhere deep inside of me.
"All right, let's all take a step back," Calvin said quickly. "John, you're upsetting her too much. Alyson, you need to calm down-"
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned my head. It was the Dean meatsuit.
"Aly-" he began hesitantly.
I wrenched my shoulder out of his grasp. "NO!" I yelled. "DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!"
He looked hurt. But he put his hand down and stepped back from the bed.
And then I felt something in my head, calming, peaceful, and I saw an image of myself in a bucket swing, I was a toddler, and my fluffy blond hair was swaying in the breeze as a young Sam pushed me-
"Aly, It's all right, you're safe," he said in my head.
I looked up at Sam. He gave me a small smile, and I knew that this wasn't a trick. His presence in my head was too real, too true, it was what I had felt when I had reached out him when I had been at Zeke's-
"Sammy-" my voice broke and I held my arms up to him just like I had done when I was that toddler. He came over to me and leaned down, putting his arms around me and pulling me into his embrace tightly.
"Shhh," he said as I began to cry harder.
"All right, all of y'all need to leave. Let's let her get calm for now." I heard Calvin say.
"But-" I heard Dean protest.
"Sam's got it," Calvin said. "Let him help her."
I heard footsteps walking out of the room, and Sam moved and sat down on the bed, facing me, and after a moment I crawled onto his lap and wrapped my arms even tighter around him.
"Sammy, is it really you?" I asked, and then I realized I had said it in my head.
"Yes, it's really me," he replied calmly. "You're safe now, we rescued you, and there are no demons here. I promise you."
"But- but Dad-" I started to feel panic again.
"Shhhh, no, not right now. We'll talk about that later. You need to get calm." I felt his arms around my body, but he was also soothing me in my head, somehow, helping me to calm down and get focused. I relaxed, and rested my head on his chest.
"I missed your flannel," I said quietly, rubbing my face against the softness of his shirt.
I heard him chuckle in the back of his throat. "Yeah, that house you were in looked like they wouldn't even know what a flannel was," he said.
I heard a buzzing sound, and Sam pulled out his cell phone and looked at it.
"Calvin wants you to rest," he told me.
I looked up at him. "Will you stay here with me?" I asked him.
He looked down and me and smiled. "Of course I will," he said. He shifted me off of his lap, and then moved so that he was sitting propped up against the head of the bed.
He reached over to the little tray table that was next to the bed, and poured a glass of water from the small plastic pitcher that was there. He brought the cup up to my mouth.
"Drink," he said, and I held the cup and drank it all down. The cool water felt amazing on my sore, parched throat.
Sam turned and put the cup back on the table, then sat back.
"Snuggle up," he told me, and I curled up against his side as he put his arm around me.
I rested my head against his chest and felt his shirt under my cheek and smelled his Sam-smell, and oh God I had thought I would never smell that again, and I drifted into a sleep that was more relaxed than I had felt in a long time.
I woke up much later, with only a dim light on in the room. The bed was flat, and Sam was laying on the cot in the corner of the room. I had to pee, and I felt shaky.
I slowly sat up, feeling dizzy, and waited a moment for the dizziness to pass. I turned and swung my feet over the edge of the bed, and then stood up and took a couple of steps. A wave of dizziness overcame me, and I felt myself falling forward. I put my hands up to brace my fall, and fell with a loud splat on the cold linoleum. I felt a jerking sensation and then pain in my right arm, and I turned my head to see what was causing it. I had forgotten that I had an IV in, and the fall must have jerked it out of my arm, because I could see red slowly filling the clear tubing that came out of the place where it was taped to my arm. Blood-
I began to whimper wordlessly, feeling panic rising again. I reached for the tubing, trying to fiddle with it, and gasped as I felt a sharp pain in my arm. Then I panicked and yanked on it, and the end of the tube came out of the tape, and liquid and blood began to pour out of the tubing. Blood- I got a flash of the knife slicing into my arm, and watching with horror as my blood flowed into the bowl underneath-
"Oh geez, what's-" Sam was right there by my side, squatting down on the floor next to me. "Aly, what are you doing?"
"Blood-" I wheezed desperately, noticing that my breath was coming in short gasps.
"What happened?" he asked me, lifting up my arm and looking at it. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and I saw him pressing buttons, then he stood up and went into the bathroom, coming back with a towel. He squatted down again and wrapped the towel around my arm, putting pressure on it.
"Owwww," I whined.
"Alyson, breathe," he said firmly. "Slow deep breaths."
The door opened and Calvin hurried over. "What's goin' on," he asked, squinting down at us.
"I don't know, I woke up hearing her whimpering, and she's on the floor with the IV out and her arm is bleeding-"
"Hadda go pee," I wheezed. "Forgot about the IV."
Calvin stepped over to the IV bag and did something to it, and then bent and took my arm. "Come sit on the bed," he said. "I gotta look at this," he told me as he pulled me up.
He unwrapped the towel, and when I saw the blood, I gasped. Sam sat next to me, and he pulled my head over onto his chest. "Close your eyes," he told me. "Don't watch, take deep breaths. You're here with me, and you're safe."
I buried my face in his shirt, smelling his smell, and that helped me feel calmer. I whimpered as I felt pain in my arm, I didn't know what Calvin was doing, and I didn't want to look.
"Be right back," he murmured. I heard him walk away, and then in a moment there were sounds of paper tearing.
"Gonna take out the IV, gotta clean your arm. This'll be cold and sting a bit," he told me. I felt a pinch, and then he was wiping my arm with something cold and wet.
Sam put his hand on my head. "Steady breaths, that's good," he told me. "Keep it going."
I felt Calvin taping something to my arm. "All right, it's done." he said.
Sam let me go, and I turned my head. There was a white bandage taped to my arm now.
Calvin took the towel that Sam had wrapped around my arm and dropped it on the floor, to mop up the liquid that had come out of the IV tube.
"Think you can stand?" Calvin asked me. "I'll help ya to the toilet, and we gotta get you changed outta those wet clothes."
I looked down. I was wearing baggy hospital scrubs, and somehow the shirt and pants were wet from where the IV tubing had leaked, and there was a smear of blood on the leg as well.
I stood up, and felt myself weaving a little. Calvin put his arm around my waist, and began to walk me over to the bathroom. He walked me in and stood me before the toilet. I fumbled with the drawstring on the pants.
"I've gotta go see if I've got another set in your size," he told me.
"Don't leave!" I said, feeling scared.
"All right," he said. "I'll wait outside the door. Let me know if you need help getting up."
I sat down, and it felt like I peed for hours. After I was done, I pulled the scrub pants off and then stood up slowly. I grabbed the sink and turned it on with one hand, then washed my hands one at a time.
Someone knocked on the door, and I started, and cried out.
"You doin' okay?" Calvin called.
"Washing my hands," I replied. The door opened, and he came into the room. He put his arm around my waist, and walked me back over to the bed.
Sam walked into the room carrying something. He came over and handed it to me- it was one of his giant t-shirts, and one of his flannels.
"Here," he said. "You can wear this for now. We're going to have to go out and buy you some more clothes...you took most of yours with you."
Tears filled my eyes as I looked up at him. "Thank you," I whispered. I unfolded the shirt, and then tried to pull the scrub top off. My arms were shaky when I raised them, and I felt him helping me. He finished pulling the top off and then slipped his shirt over my head. He picked up the flannel shirt and helped me guide my arms into the sleeves like I was a little kid. I didn't mind it, I felt weak, and like I needed all the help I could get.
Calvin had gotten the pants out of the bathroom, and he picked up the shirt. "I'll get these laundered. We'll see how ya do tomorrow without the IV. I think you're ready to eat, but I'm not so sure about you leavin' the bed yet. You're still awful unsteady on your feet. I think you'll probably be in here a couple more days at least."
"Okay," I said. "Thank you."
"Y'all should go back to sleep for a while, it's the middle of the night."
Immediately I felt guilty. "Sorry for waking you," I said.
"It's all right, little lady," Calvin said. "That's what we're here for."
He left the room, and Sam turned to me. "Lay down," he told me.
"Sit with me," I begged him. "Don't leave."
"I'm not leaving," he said. I laid down, and he pulled the covers up and tucked me in, like he used to when I was little. I had missed being tucked in, even though I was a teenager and not a kid any more, and it was comforting. Tears filled my eyes as he sat down on the bed next to me and took my hand. I could smell his smell on his shirt, and feel the softness of his flannel on my skin, and that comforted me as much as feeling his hand holding mine.
I tried to sleep, but I still kept seeing the knife, and the blood. I was restless on the bed, trying to find a comfortable position.
"What's going on?" Sam asked in my head.
"When I saw the blood in the IV, it reminded me..." I told him, and then I showed him the memories of the rituals where they had bled me. I felt his anger, and pain, but I knew it wasn't directed at me.
"I'm so sorry you went through that," he said to me. "Whatever they did made you very powerful."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Do you remember when we were there, what happened before the angel came?"
I tried to sift through my memories, but I couldn't get a hold on anything specific.
"No," I told him.
He showed me his memory then, of a glowing being on the altar, breaking the bonds, and the stone cracking in half with a loud sound, and then the being rising up and raising her hand and exorcising demons left and right-
"That was you," he told me.
"It was?"
"Yes," he said. "It was one of the most kick-ass things I've ever seen in my life, and it was my baby sister." I felt the awe and pride he felt for me, and it made me feel good.
"I know you went through a horrible time, but you helped save us. Don't ever forget that." I felt him hugging me in my mind, and then I felt his arms around my body, and I turned to him and put my arm around him and snuggled into his chest, and I was finally able to relax and go to sleep.
I woke up as Calvin was bustling in with a tray of food. Whatever was on there smelled heavenly.
Sam had been sitting in the armchair with his eyes closed, and he opened them when Calvin came into the room. He stood up and walked over to the bed, pressing the button on the side so that my head was raised.
Calvin pulled the tray table over and put a plate down- it had scrambled eggs, cut up strawberries, and a bowl of oatmeal.
He had another plate that also had bacon and toast on it, and he handed that plate to Sam.
"No fair," I said.
Calvin and Sam looked at me, both with raised eyebrows.
"I want bacon too!" I protested.
"Let's see how ya do with what's on your plate first," Calvin said.
Someone cleared their throat. I turned my head- Dean stood in the doorway, holding two large mugs of coffee. He came into the room, and looked at Sam.
"Brought you some caffeine," he said. He handed Sam one of the mugs, and then turned to me.
"Is it, uh, okay that I'm in here?" he asked gruffly, unable to meet my eyes.
I felt a little nervous. "Um, sure," I said. I glanced up at him and then at Calvin, who was watching me.
Calvin looked at my brothers. "Y'all be careful with what ya talk about, go slow. Don't want you upsetting her too much. I'll be back in a while to look ya over." He left the room.
I pulled the tray table over to me, and sat up more. Dean walked over near Sam and leaned on the wall.
"How are you feeling today?" he asked with a forced casualness.
"Uh, okay I guess." I mumbled. I picked up the fork and speared a piece of scrambled egg with it, then brought it to my mouth. My hand was shaking, and the egg fell off and into my lap. I gave a little gasp.
"You okay?" Dean asked with concern.
"Fine," I said. I picked the egg up with my fingers and ate it. I tried again, and managed to maneuver that piece of egg into my mouth. The third try made me frustrated, the egg kept slipping off of the fork.
"Do you want a break, Sam?" Dean asked. "I thought I could, uh, be in here if you want to go take a shower or something."
"It's up to Aly," Sam said.
I had put the fork down and picked up the spoon instead, and scooped up some oatmeal. Again, my hand shook, and the oatmeal slopped off of the spoon and onto the blanket in my lap.
"Dammit!" I hissed, tears of frustration coming to my eyes. I picked up the blob of oatmeal and threw it onto the tray, then wiped my hand.
Dean came over to the bed quickly. "Do you want some help?" he asked.
"No!" I covered my face with my hands. "Just- leave me alone!"
I heard him exhale. After a moment I put my hands down, blinked back the tears, pulled the tray closer, and bent my head down so that it was right over the bowl. I scooped some oatmeal into my mouth like that, not caring if I looked like I was an animal bending over a watering hole. I ate a couple spoonfuls of oatmeal and then sat back, pushing the tray away.
Sam and Dean were both watching me.
"You okay?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, I'm just...full now. And tired." I said. I turned over, facing away from them, and closed my eyes to rest.
I could hear Sam eating for a few minutes. Then Dean said quietly, "She talk about anything yet?"
No," Sam answered just as quietly, "Last night she tried to get out of bed and fell, yanked her IV out. I had to 911 Calvin, her arm was bleeding."
"Why'd she get out of bed?"
"She had to go to the bathroom."
"Think we should try and get her to talk?" Dean sounded hopeful.
"Calvin said not to push anything, remember?" Sam said.
"I don't get why she's—acting like this, Sam. She'll barely look at me!"
"I think she's still...unsure of things. She's still going on the last things she remembers."
"Well, she needs to remember more! We're her family, not a bunch of demons who are out to get her!" The frustration was evident in Dean's voice.
I turned my head slightly. "Trying to rest here!" I said loudly. "Can you stop talking?"
I heard Dean exhale again. "Fine," he said. "I'll be back later."
~ ~ spn ~ ~ spn ~ ~ spn ~ ~
Calvin put the otoscope and stethoscope back into the black bag, and looked at me. "Lookin' good, little lady," he said. "Once you get more steady, we'll get you out of this bed and set up in a bedroom again. You want to try to walk to the bathroom on your own?"
I stood up and got out of bed, feeling a little wobbly, but after a couple of steps my legs started to give out, and Sam rushed over to grab me and hold me up. He walked me into the bathroom.
"Let me know if you need more help," he said, closing the door behind him as he left.
I could hear him and Calvin talking, but I couldn't make out what they were saying.
After I was done, I was able to get up and stand at the sink to wash my hands, and then shuffle to the door. I opened it and stood there as a wave of dizziness came over me, and grabbed at the door knob.
Sam hurried over and put his arm around my waist, and walked me back to bed. I got in bed, and Calvin picked up his doctor bag.
"Lunch will be ready shortly," he told us. "Text me if ya need anythin' in the meantime."
He turned and left the room.
I heard voices in the hallway.
"How's she doing?" I recognized the low rumble of my father's voice. I heard Calvin answer him, and then their voices moved away as they walked away from the door. I felt a pang at that moment- I wanted to see him, to talk to him and beg his forgiveness for everything, but I still wasn't sure-
"Sam," I whispered.
He turned his head away from the t.v., which he must have turned on when I was in the bathroom. "What?" he asked.
"If Dad- I mean, if I talk to him- Sam, I did some really bad things-"
He turned his body, giving me his full attention. "Like what, honey?"
"I-I-" tears filled my eyes, and I bowed my head. "I was staying with this father and daughter, they rescued me from this guy at this truck stop, you know? And they were really nice to me." I glanced up at him from the corner of my eye, but I saw no judgement from him. Yet.
I gripped the blanket in my hands and bunched it up. "They had such a different lifestyle, they had a lot of money, and they got me whatever I wanted- and Zeke, he was so understanding and kind, and I –- I-" the tears spilled over.
Sam just waited silently.
I wiped my cheek with a shaking hand and took a deep breath. "Meg started calling me her sister and I loved that, 'cause I never had a sister before, y' know, and she showed me how to put on makeup and fix my hair-" the words tumbled out in a rush- "and Zeke, he let us do whatever we wanted, and he talked to me and listened, and I- I- I started calling him Dad."
I closed my eyes, waiting for Sam to get angry at me, to tell me how horrible I was, that it was a huge betrayal of our father, of our family.
He didn't say anything. After several moments, I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He was just sitting there watching me. He reached over and took one of my hands that was still clenched in the blanket.
"It's understandable, Aly," he said quietly. "It sounds like he gave you something that...unfortunately, that Dad didn't give you. And I can see why you did it."
"But- but they were demons!" I burst out, lifting my head and looking at him. "They were demons, and I couldn't even tell! I was living in a house full of them, Sam! And I had no idea! I'm so fucking stupid!" I raised my fist to my head and struck my temple. "I know that all Dad's been doing all these years is hunting demons, hunting down the one who killed Mom, and then it turns out that I'm living with him and calling him Dad! Isn't that, like, the biggest betrayal ever?"
Sam grabbed my fist and pulled it away from my head.
"First off, I don't want to hear you ever calling yourself fucking stupid ever again, you hear me?" he asked sternly. "And don't you dare hit yourself again. I understand why you feel bad. But I also understand why you did it. And no, you can't blame yourself fully for how things went. Part of the blame, if you want to call it that, falls squarely on Dad's shoulders, because he hid so much from you, and didn't make you aware of what was out there. And he knows this, Aly, he's well aware of how he screwed up."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, think about it. If he had been honest with you from the get-go, and told you everything about Azazel, and had taught you how to defend yourself, do you think that it would have gone the way it did? He kept you in the dark, and so most of the blame of all this, if you really want to apportion blame, lays on his shoulders, not yours."
I bowed my head again. "You- you don't think he's going to be upset?"
Sam shifted in the chair. "Well, sure, he's probably going to be a little upset and maybe hurt. But like I said, he's aware of how much of this is because he was trying to protect you, and how wrong that was. So he can't really blame you for the way things went."
"I called a demon 'Dad', Sam." I whispered hoarsely. "I called the demon who killed our Mom, 'Dad'!" I looked up at him, feeling desperate.
"Honey..." he put his hand up and cupped my cheek. "You're going to have to forgive yourself for that. You didn't know. They tricked you in the worst way possible. That's what demons do, they get into your head and find out all your weaknesses, and exploit them, and that's what they did. And that's not your fault."
Sam put his hand on the back of my neck and gently pulled my head forward, leaning to me so that our foreheads were touching. He looked me in the eyes earnestly.
"All right?"
I sighed. "All right, Sammy." I said.
He let me go and sat back. "It's going to take a while, I know, and it's going to be a little rough. But we can all do this. We're Winchesters, and we're a strong bunch." He took my hand again. "And don't forget, you're a Winchester too. Even after everything you just went through, and you never stopped being one. And it's what got you through it." he smiled at me.
"Do you- do you think he'd want to talk to me about this?" I asked timidly.
"That's all he's wanted since we got here, Aly, is talk to you and be with you and hold you. He's been keeping his distance because Calvin said we shouldn't upset you too much. But if you think you're ready-"
I ducked my head. "Do you- do you think you could tell him, Sam?"
"No, I think you need to be the one to tell him." Sam said.
"Will you- will you be here with me?" I asked.
"Of course." he said, smiling again.
I took another deep breath. "Tell me," I said. "About the rescue. Was there really an angel there?"
Sam got up from his chair and walked over the the bed, sitting down and facing me. "I'll do you one better," he said, "I'll show you."
He took my hands in his. "Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and relax," he instructed. "Clear your mind, try to make it blank."
I did what he said, lowering my head. Images began to filter into my mind, my brothers and father and Bobby fighting the demons, then seeing myself rise up off of the altar—which still amazed me, and I almost couldn't believe it. I saw Dad lift up The Colt, even though he was in obvious pain, and shoot the bullet that killed Azazael. I started to feel panicky, and so Sam sent another image into my mind. The dark-haired man in the trench coat.
I watched as Sam showed me how he healed everyone, even me. I saw his wings extend out and the flash of light before he disappeared. I saw how upset Dean had gotten when talking to the angel about me- and that it was coming from a place of protectiveness- and how he held me in the back seat of the car as they drove away.
I finally understood that there were no demons here, just my family, and all they wanted was for us to be together again. It was as if something opened in my mind and a cascade of images from the past fell in, Dean giving me a piggy-back ride, Dean holding my hand at the zoo, Dean guiding me across the monkey bars on a playground, Dean letting me fall asleep curled in his lap.
I opened my eyes and noticed that tears were streaming down my face, and let go of Sam's hands.
"Dean," I said. "I want Dean."
Sam looked at me and smiled. He pulled out his cell phone and texted someone.
A couple of minutes later, we heard quick footsteps in the hallway, and then Dean was in the room, and he looked at me cautiously. I held my arms out to him, and he grabbed me up in a hug.
"Oh, Aly, sweetheart," he said, and his voice was choked with emotion. He sat down on the bed facing me, and I wrapped my arms around him. We sat together for a long time, and I could feel him stroking my hair. It felt so good to be held by him again, I had missed this so much. Now I was back with my family, which was all that mattered. Hopefully they wouldn't hold what I had done against me.
He finally pulled back and looked at me, his clear green eyes flicking back and forth between mine. "You're gonna be okay," he told me. "Whatever happened to you, you're gonna be okay. You're safe now, and we're not gonna let anything happen to you...and we're here to help." His voice was gruff.
I looked at him and said, "Okay Dean."
He blinked, and then he smiled, and tears came to his eyes. He pulled me into another hug. "I've been waiting to hear you say that," he murmured, almost to himself.
"What? Why?" I asked.
"Nothing," he mumbled. He let me go, sat back, and rubbed his hand over his face. Then he looked at me. "I'm so glad we got you back, and you're awake now."
"How long was I out for?" I asked.
"Almost two weeks," Dean told me. "No one could tell us when you were gonna wake up, either. "
"I was...so tired," I said.
"The angel said your soul needed time to heal," Sam said.
"He really was an angel?" I still had trouble believing that the man in the trench coat had been an angel.
"Yeah, and he got rid of the majority of the demons, and then healed all of us. How much do you remember?" Dean looked at me.
I shook my head. "I don't- it's just a lot of images and stuff right now."
"Don't push her," Sam said. "I shared some memories with her, and that was enough for now."
"Well, when are we gonna talk this through?" Dean demanded. "We've all been sitting around waiting...and Dad's been on tenterhooks not knowing how Aly's going to react to him."
My eyes filled with tears. "I can't." I bowed my head.
"Can't what?" Dean asked.
"Can't—face him yet."
"Why not, Aly?" Dean asked. "Why not?"
I looked up at him. "Because I've done so much bad stuff, I know I'm in a lot of trouble, and I'm- I'm a bad daughter."
"Okay, yeah, you ran away and all that, and that will need to be addressed in the future, but what do you mean you're a bad daughter?" Dean was frowning with confusion now.
I grabbed the blanket in my hands again and bunched it up. "I-I was living with this guy and his daughter, they rescued me from a guy who was trying to steal my money, and they were really nice- but they were demons! And I had started to- started to think of them as my family, and call them my sister, and Dad!" I started to cry, and curled up in a ball.
"Well, demons get into your head and all that, and they trick you, you know? And that's what they did."
"But Dean, it was him! The one who killed Mom! I was living with him, and I – I forgot about you guys, and I was calling him Dad!" I turned my head to look at him.
"What do you mean you forgot about us?" Sam asked, and there was an urgency underneath the calmness in his voice.
"I just- for a while I totally forgot, about all of you, and my life before...but Meg told me, she said that she'd had some witches making a spell to make me forget, and she was putting stuff in the coffee that we had every morning."
I looked up at them. "I forgot about you guys! And I was totally into that life!"
Dean looked angry. "You can't blame yourself for that," he said. "They were using magic on you, that's not your fault."
"But—but-"
"And Dad knows, Aly. He knows that he messed up with you, okay? And he wants to try to change. We all need to, uh, try to change, you know?"
He cleared his throat and looked over at Sam.
"Hey, uh, Sam, could you give us a few minutes? I want to talk to Aly about something." He looked at me. "Is that okay with you?" he asked.
Sam stood up and looked at me with raised eyebrows.
"Uh... I guess," I said, feeling uncertain.
"Don't worry, I'm not gonna yell at you or anything." Dean said.
"I'll be outside," Sam told me, and he pocketed his cell phone and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.
"What is it?" I asked Dean, feeling apprehensive now that we were alone.
Dean leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. He looked at the floor for a long moment with his head down. Then he lifted his head and looked at me.
"So," he said, "Last time we were together, you, uh, the last thing you said to me... was that you hated me." He was clearly uncomfortable. He looked at my face briefly and then down again.
"I'm sorry, Dean," I said quietly. "I don't hate you. I didn't hate you."
He looked up at me again. "You sure? 'Cause the way I was treating you those last couple of days sure gave you a reason to feel that way." He stared down at his folded hands.
"I was upset with you," I told him. "And I was hurt by the way you guys were treating me. But I could never hate you, Dean."
He let out a long breath and then sat up. "Good," he said with relief in his voice. "That's been weighing on my mind this whole time." He gave me a small smile, but I could tell he still felt uncomfortable. "Listen, can we, uh, talk about everything...I mean, can you tell us what happened? From the beginning?"
"I—I already told you some of it," I said. "Can't that be enough for now?"
He leaned forward again. "Aly, we do need to know everything. We need to know what all they did to you, and what they told you, because others are looking for you, and we need to be ready." His voice was urgent.
"Wha- what do you mean, others are looking for me? What do you mean we need to be ready?" I stared at him, fear rising in my stomach. "Are they going to kidnap me again?" Suddenly I remembered seeing Meg's spirit leaving her body. I had loved her like a sister—and I had thought she loved me, but she had looked at me with such hatred right before she escaped-
"Oh no, Meg is out there!" I shrieked, in a panic now. "She- she hates me, she'll want to kill me! What am I supposed to do!"
The door opened and Sam came walking into the room quickly, right up to the side of the bed.
"What's going on?" Sam looked from me to Dean.
"I just asked her to talk about-" Dean began, in a defensive voice.
"They're going to come after me!" I screamed at Sam. "They're going to take me away again!"
"Damn it!" Sam swore, glaring at Dean. "Didn't we already talk about not rushing her, more than once? What the hell is wrong with you, man?"
"Sam, I didn't-"
Sam cut Dean off. "Go, just go." He waved his hand at Dean, who looked guilty.
"Alyson, I'm sor-"
"Did you hear what I said?" Sam yelled. "Get the fuck out of here, man!"
I cringed at how loud and angry Sam's voice sounded.
Dean turned and walked out of the room, and I heard voices in the hallway.
"-all the screaming?"
"-she okay?"
The door opened and I heard Calvin's voice. "What's goin' on?"
"She got upset, I'm dealing with it," Sam called over his shoulder.
He reached out to me and put his hands on my shoulders. "Breathe, Aly," he said.
I looked up at him, tears welling in my eyes. "You- you're not mad at me?"
"No, why would I be mad at you?" he asked calmly.
"You were just yelling at Dean-"
"Because I am upset with him." Sam said firmly. "Him, not you." He sat down on the bed and put his arms around me. "Calm down, breathe. No-one is going to take you away from here, all right? You're safe."
"But Dean said that there are others looking for me, and that we need to be ready, and I-I remembered that Meg got away!" I pulled back and looked up at him.
"Dammit!" Sam swore under his breath. I flinched, and he tried to hug me again, but I was stiff and tense now.
"Aly, all I can tell you is that you're safe here. Calvin's place is well protected and we check everything every day, okay? Can you trust that?" He looked into my eyes earnestly.
"Okay, Sam, I'll try," I said. I still felt scared and agitated.
He put his hand on my back and began to rub it. At the same time, he said, "It's all right, calm down," in my mind. "Be calm, deep breath," he said. I could feel him soothing me, and I tried to take deep, slow breaths, and eventually I did feel relaxed.
I laid back on the bed, and closed my eyes, and suddenly it was like I fell down a rabbit hole of exhaustion, and I slept.
