I lied
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Amy Elizabeth
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Files, aren't we all suprised....
Rating: PG- mild language
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You asked me how I've been.
I can't say I wasn't knocked on my little rear end when you did. I can't say I wasn't shocked by your closeness. I can't say I wasn't mad...skeptical....suprised....I can't say I was fine. My whole world had been in shambles Mulder. Your utter disreguard for "how I had been" for past what....weeks?....months?....had left me really wondering if you ever had really cared "how I'd been". You ditched me. So many times. More times then I care to count. You'd remember, you always had the memory for things like that. I, however, want to forget stuff sometimes. Namely you lately. Namely you and your smartass attitude, your sunflower seeds, your pouty lower lip, your glasses, that bumble bee, that hallway, your eyes, your lips against my cheek, and mostly your hand against my back. Not that it had been there lately. No, not only had that hand not been there, you hadn't been. Period. So no, Mulder, I'm not fine. I'm hurt, I'm mad, I'm missing you horribly. That's what I meant to say. But you know me. Probably better than Mom does, than Bill does, even more than I do sometimes. I stood in front of you, closer to you then I had been in weeks, looked you straight in the eye and smiled. " I'm fine Mulder." Here I had been after you for weeks, begging almost, to give me your trust. And I stood right to your face and, no better then Fowley, lied through my teeth. But then again I wanted to forget you. I didn't want you to hold me and make me feel better, I didn't want to see friendship and support in your eyes, I didn't want that hand at my back and none of it was because I wanted to prove I was strong. I was losing you. You and I did this. There were no shadows, no ghosts, no aliens. Just us. We had torn ourselves apart quicker than any of the attempts that had been made to do so. So when that flash of disappointment and hurt flared through your eyes I just didn't care. You didn't trust me anyway. Why not prove you right. Why should I even care anymore? That's what I meant to say. But when you walked away I wanted to shout, scream, throw my self at you and knock you to the ground. Beat you senseless. My whole world was off it's axis. And it pissed me off. Really pissed me off. I'm dying here, my insides ripping apart. And you expect me to throw myself into your arms and bare my soul to you? What the hell are you thinking in there Mulder!? I have spent night after night in my apartment, alone, thirty-odd years old, without even a dog anymore, crying to my walls. As if they care anymore than you do. I want to rip your heart out. Slam it on the floor and walk all over it. After all my heart is getting kind of lonely down there. And as far as your trust in me, if it even existed, I wanted it to join my trust in you in the garbage can. That's what I really meant to say. But I'm still, despite my most rational thoughts, holding on. I'm clinging to those memories Mulder, like a dog to a bone. Memories of how we were, laughing, talking, living. I miss you more each day Mulder. I want it all to go away. The FBI, Fowley, Spender, that damned man and his cigarettes, AD Kersh, the mistrust, the aliens, the lies, the pain, I want it all to leave us alone. Why can't we be happy these days? Why is there so much pain ripping at me when I look at you? Why did I start to love you this much? Yes, I had picked the most opportune time to realize that I had fallen in love with you. Right at the time you realized, for some reason, Agent Fowley held in her poorly manicured hand all the truths and answers you ever needed. So here's the honest truth Mulder. I love you. I want you. I need you. Please come back. I'm not fine. That's the honest truth Mulder. That's what I really meant to say.
You asked me how I've been.
I can't say I wasn't knocked on my little rear end when you did. I can't say I wasn't shocked by your closeness. I can't say I wasn't mad...skeptical....suprised....I can't say I was fine. My whole world had been in shambles Mulder. Your utter disreguard for "how I had been" for past what....weeks?....months?....had left me really wondering if you ever had really cared "how I'd been". You ditched me. So many times. More times then I care to count. You'd remember, you always had the memory for things like that. I, however, want to forget stuff sometimes. Namely you lately. Namely you and your smartass attitude, your sunflower seeds, your pouty lower lip, your glasses, that bumble bee, that hallway, your eyes, your lips against my cheek, and mostly your hand against my back. Not that it had been there lately. No, not only had that hand not been there, you hadn't been. Period. So no, Mulder, I'm not fine. I'm hurt, I'm mad, I'm missing you horribly. That's what I meant to say. But you know me. Probably better than Mom does, than Bill does, even more than I do sometimes. I stood in front of you, closer to you then I had been in weeks, looked you straight in the eye and smiled. " I'm fine Mulder." Here I had been after you for weeks, begging almost, to give me your trust. And I stood right to your face and, no better then Fowley, lied through my teeth. But then again I wanted to forget you. I didn't want you to hold me and make me feel better, I didn't want to see friendship and support in your eyes, I didn't want that hand at my back and none of it was because I wanted to prove I was strong. I was losing you. You and I did this. There were no shadows, no ghosts, no aliens. Just us. We had torn ourselves apart quicker than any of the attempts that had been made to do so. So when that flash of disappointment and hurt flared through your eyes I just didn't care. You didn't trust me anyway. Why not prove you right. Why should I even care anymore? That's what I meant to say. But when you walked away I wanted to shout, scream, throw my self at you and knock you to the ground. Beat you senseless. My whole world was off it's axis. And it pissed me off. Really pissed me off. I'm dying here, my insides ripping apart. And you expect me to throw myself into your arms and bare my soul to you? What the hell are you thinking in there Mulder!? I have spent night after night in my apartment, alone, thirty-odd years old, without even a dog anymore, crying to my walls. As if they care anymore than you do. I want to rip your heart out. Slam it on the floor and walk all over it. After all my heart is getting kind of lonely down there. And as far as your trust in me, if it even existed, I wanted it to join my trust in you in the garbage can. That's what I really meant to say. But I'm still, despite my most rational thoughts, holding on. I'm clinging to those memories Mulder, like a dog to a bone. Memories of how we were, laughing, talking, living. I miss you more each day Mulder. I want it all to go away. The FBI, Fowley, Spender, that damned man and his cigarettes, AD Kersh, the mistrust, the aliens, the lies, the pain, I want it all to leave us alone. Why can't we be happy these days? Why is there so much pain ripping at me when I look at you? Why did I start to love you this much? Yes, I had picked the most opportune time to realize that I had fallen in love with you. Right at the time you realized, for some reason, Agent Fowley held in her poorly manicured hand all the truths and answers you ever needed. So here's the honest truth Mulder. I love you. I want you. I need you. Please come back. I'm not fine. That's the honest truth Mulder. That's what I really meant to say.
