I Thought I Understood, But I Didn't (But I Do Now)
A knock has Sam looking up.
"Hey." Dean is standing in the doorway of his room.
"Hey, what's up."
"Um, I need to say something." Dean looks away for a moment and rubs his neck.
"Uh, okay, what is it?" Sam frowns a little and closes the book he'd been reading. There is clearly something bothering his brother.
Dean takes a few steps forward
"I, uh, get it now you know. How it was for you. How it was for you to be possessed by Lucifer. And later the whole thing with Gadreel. I'm sorry, Sam. I thought I knew, but I didn't. Not really."
Dean looks at his brother, awaiting his reaction in silence.
Sam opens his mouth but no sound comes forth, he tries again.
"Dean— I— it's okay. I already forgave you a long time ago, you know that right." Sam turns toward his brother. "I understand why you did it, really. After Lucifer, I swore to myself never to be in that position again—to never lose control over my own body again. And when I found out about Gadreel, I was so scared and felt angry and betrayed, but I get why did it. You were desperate. Out of other options, and there was no time left."
Dean swallows and nods.
Sam takes a deep breath and continues. "I'm not saying it left no mark, being possessed, because I think it will never go away." His lips twist into a wry smile. "Sometimes I still can feel it. Sometimes it's a taste, sometimes a scent that triggers it. Sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere. And I hate it. It's messed up. It still messes with my mind sometimes."
He laughs. And it sounds harsh to his own ears.
"Sam—"
"But," and Sam holds up a hand. "I've learned to deal with it. I know how utterly terrible experience it is, how helpless you feel afterward. The anger. The pain. The confusion. How scary it is to trust yourself again after losing control completely. So if you ever want to talk. I'm here for you, you know."
Sam smiles a soft and sad smile at his brother.
Dean has to clear his throat to get rid of the lump that had formed there.
"Sam, I'm saying it once more. I'm really sorry, I should have said this to you so much sooner. I thought I knew how you felt, but I really didn't know anything." Dean pauses for a moment. "And thanks. Also, you know the same goes for you, right. If there's anything—"
Sam nods. "Yeah, I know."
The tension seeps out of his brother's shoulders and Dean sighs. "Okay."
"Hey, Dean?" And Dean looks up to his brother.
Sam is smiling at him again. But this time there's no sorrow.
"Thanks."
This idea popped up in my mind after watching 14x09. And it didn't want to let me go.
I wish Sam and Dean had this conversation instead of that small, unimportant scene with Castiel.
Hope you enjoyed.
All the mistakes are mine.
