Author:Joyce
Credits: Joss is King.
email:zinehall@yahoo.com
Beta credit: Basil Psyche (just a little)
Solid
Buffy stared blankly at her bedroom wall. The soft pastel color did not change. Why was this when her life was turned so completely around?
Xander and Anya were her role models for a happy couple. Now this concept was shattered. Why did everything so not work? Xander and Anya bickered, yes, but they essentially got along in Buffy's eyes. She could tell they enjoyed being in the company of each other. Xander's nature included snarkiness as part and parcel of the whole package. He could be highly critical too but Buffy never saw Anya complain. Anya seemed to be always beaming whenever Xander spoke to her. Buffy knew that she, herself, did not possess the capacity to just listen to criticism. If Xander ever spoke to he in the patronizing manner she had sometimes seen him speak to Anya, Buffy would have fastened him with a steely glower hot enough to burn right through that ego. Hmm...maybe not so perfect after all...but they made it work since high school! This was a pattern...something stable and alive. Why change...and especially why change on the wedding day?! Xander didn't look so good standing in the doorway with Anya. ''Maybe I should have spoken to the both of them?'', Buffy thought. Then she quickly realized that there was nothing she could have done.
''Who, me, the Queen of Losers?'', a pathetic thought sliced through her musings.
Look at the wall. Nothing changing...everything fits so nicely together between strong supports..a steady backbone that can endure. That is how life was supposed to be. Steady, solid...a pillar on which to lean. Xander and Anya, as a couple, were her only remaining vestige of a pillar..a tangible something in this sea of shifting scenarios.
''I wish I could talk to Mom.'' Mom would know. Mom could see what Buffy could not or would not see. She needed explanations. ''Mom, tell me something!! How did these things happen? One moment, you're sure that the world, your home base, is solid and viable. The next, an earthquake shakes you.''
Buffy continued to stare.
Xander. Where was Xander now? Was he OK? Was he all alone or did he find someone with whom to unload his problem or problems? Buffy didn't know because no one had told her anything. Anya was too distraught to be intelligible. Buffy was sure that Xander was drowning his sorrows in alcohol...finally giving into his father's way of dealing with things which could not be negotiated. But then ..maybe he was strong enough to resist. Yes, he's got to remain strong. Strong. 'I can't see him weak. I need him to be strong. Someone's got to be.'' These thoughts reverberated in Buffy's head.
''What's happening to me?'' Parents together....parents apart. Popular in high school...a freak in high school. A boyfriend who was gentle suddenly changed into a homicidal maniac. Mom's well.....Mom's dead. College student...not a college student. Giles here...Giles gone. Humans were good and now they were the bad guys. Spike's evil...Spike's ...something else.
''Something has to be wrong!'' The world seemed to be spinning out of control.
''I could depend on Spike to comfort me.. but that's bad...and it felt so good.'' Buffy's thoughts continued to spin along with the world. ''Xander..Anya...how? Spike? Spike? Good? Bad?'', her thoughts tumbled and jumbled. But the wall was steady and solid.
Buffy continued to stare.
Credits: Joss is King.
email:zinehall@yahoo.com
Beta credit: Basil Psyche (just a little)
Solid
Buffy stared blankly at her bedroom wall. The soft pastel color did not change. Why was this when her life was turned so completely around?
Xander and Anya were her role models for a happy couple. Now this concept was shattered. Why did everything so not work? Xander and Anya bickered, yes, but they essentially got along in Buffy's eyes. She could tell they enjoyed being in the company of each other. Xander's nature included snarkiness as part and parcel of the whole package. He could be highly critical too but Buffy never saw Anya complain. Anya seemed to be always beaming whenever Xander spoke to her. Buffy knew that she, herself, did not possess the capacity to just listen to criticism. If Xander ever spoke to he in the patronizing manner she had sometimes seen him speak to Anya, Buffy would have fastened him with a steely glower hot enough to burn right through that ego. Hmm...maybe not so perfect after all...but they made it work since high school! This was a pattern...something stable and alive. Why change...and especially why change on the wedding day?! Xander didn't look so good standing in the doorway with Anya. ''Maybe I should have spoken to the both of them?'', Buffy thought. Then she quickly realized that there was nothing she could have done.
''Who, me, the Queen of Losers?'', a pathetic thought sliced through her musings.
Look at the wall. Nothing changing...everything fits so nicely together between strong supports..a steady backbone that can endure. That is how life was supposed to be. Steady, solid...a pillar on which to lean. Xander and Anya, as a couple, were her only remaining vestige of a pillar..a tangible something in this sea of shifting scenarios.
''I wish I could talk to Mom.'' Mom would know. Mom could see what Buffy could not or would not see. She needed explanations. ''Mom, tell me something!! How did these things happen? One moment, you're sure that the world, your home base, is solid and viable. The next, an earthquake shakes you.''
Buffy continued to stare.
Xander. Where was Xander now? Was he OK? Was he all alone or did he find someone with whom to unload his problem or problems? Buffy didn't know because no one had told her anything. Anya was too distraught to be intelligible. Buffy was sure that Xander was drowning his sorrows in alcohol...finally giving into his father's way of dealing with things which could not be negotiated. But then ..maybe he was strong enough to resist. Yes, he's got to remain strong. Strong. 'I can't see him weak. I need him to be strong. Someone's got to be.'' These thoughts reverberated in Buffy's head.
''What's happening to me?'' Parents together....parents apart. Popular in high school...a freak in high school. A boyfriend who was gentle suddenly changed into a homicidal maniac. Mom's well.....Mom's dead. College student...not a college student. Giles here...Giles gone. Humans were good and now they were the bad guys. Spike's evil...Spike's ...something else.
''Something has to be wrong!'' The world seemed to be spinning out of control.
''I could depend on Spike to comfort me.. but that's bad...and it felt so good.'' Buffy's thoughts continued to spin along with the world. ''Xander..Anya...how? Spike? Spike? Good? Bad?'', her thoughts tumbled and jumbled. But the wall was steady and solid.
Buffy continued to stare.
