Disclaimer:  I neither own nor make any money from Dragonball, though I wish I did. 

Pairing: B/V

Warnings:  AU, Fairy Tale, weird humor, violence, citrus or semi-lemon later

Rating: R for some mature content – I tend to err on the side of caution when rating stories, just in case.

Prince Quest, a Cracked Fairy Tale

Chapter 1: Where's My Prince?

Not so long ago, but very far away, in a world both medieval and modern, there once lived a girl of prodigious beauty.  Her hair was a shining aqua waterfall, and her eyes sparkled like the rarest of blue crystals.  The appellation of this paragon of pulchritude?  Bulma-the-Beautiful Briefs.  The name has a delightful ring, does it not?  However, it's a bit lengthy, so from now on she will be referred to by her family nickname, Bulma.  One would have thought that this lovely being would have had few difficulties in life, but alas, this was untrue.  In a land where the average age of marriage was nineteen, Bulma was considered veritably ancient to have remained yet unwed at twenty-five. 

Why, then, was this beauteous wonder still a maiden?  Come with me, Dear Readers, and we shall take a closer look:

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"Father!  I won't have it!  I won't!  Why must you insist on trying to match me up with idiots!"  Bulma stomped her feet, tossed her head, and glared at the man behind the laboratory desk.

"You look like an angry filly, daughter," replied the esteemed Doctor Lord Briefs, peering at her through a pair of binoculars he had been testing.

"Well, and so would you look, if you had to deal with the prospect of being wed to one of those drooling, slobbering, brainless...*marshmallows!*  Surely you think more of me than *that!*"

The doctor humphed.  There simply weren't any men in the land of Oolongate who were a proper match for his fiery-tempered offspring.  The ones who weren't married were either unable to handle his daughter's sharp tongue, or they worshipped her to such an extent that she couldn't bear it, and all but ran howling from the hapless adoring souls.

While her father thought, Bulma stormed around the room, merely because it made her feel better.

"Eureka!"  Doctor Lord Briefs finally said, after he'd finished chewing on a clove cigar.  "I know where you can find the perfect husband!"

"Where - the polar icecaps?  Men have come to court me from far and wide, hither and yon.  Princes, wealthy merchants, actors, and traders, yea, males of all descriptions and ranks - and you think there are any left?"  The beauty pouted, and leaned dramatically against a wall.

"Well, it's true we've exhausted the resources in Oolongate and Laetritia, Garvil and Wemoslay, Bartak, and Korayn..."

"Enough, Father!  I get the idea.  So where is this 'perfect husband?'  Science would have it that there's no such thing."

"Would you settle for handsome, physically strong, highly intelligent, and unbelievably wealthy?  I've calculated each variable to be worth a minimum of twenty percent on the Eligible Male Scale."  The doctor picked up another cigar.  His daughter always made him nervous when she got that scheming look upon her face.

"It sounds too good to be true.  What's wrong with him?" Bulma fiddled with the opalescent curtain her mother had insisted on placing in the otherwise austere laboratory.

"I've never met him.  But he is a prince, and is rumored to be quite appealing to females, in a harsh sort of way."

"Where is he located, and why have I never heard of him?" 

"If you had bothered to read the last issue of "Great Catches: Special Edition - Eligible Bachelors Outside the Norm," you wouldn't have needed to ask that question."

"I never even saw it - and what are you doing subscribing to a glamour magazine like that?"

The doctor blushed to the roots of his graying hair.  "It's your mother's.  I don't know why, but she likes to look at the young men."

Bulma rolled her wide blue eyes, and flounced over to sit in the chair opposite her paternal unit.  "Please, Father, do tell me about this handsome prince, and exactly why he's featured in a Special Edition about eligible bachelors outside the norm."

"Er.  It seems that he's a...well, a shapeshifter."

"Excuse me?!!  I didn't know any shapeshifters still existed in the Seventeen Kingdoms.  I thought they were all chased away by the Bad Breath of Glagr, Ogre of Killium, in the dark days before I was born."

The doctor picked up a pipe cleaner and began twisting it in some agitation.  "Yes, that's true, most of the Changing Ones left, and I don't blame them.  I met Glagr once, and you were indeed fortunate to have been born after that traumatic experience.  Hmmm, do you recollect the time twenty years ago when there was that hullabaloo about the Strong Men?  They came from space in their small ships, fleeing an evil tyrant, and landed outside the Forest of Misbehavior.  They attempted to take over the world, but were foiled by Brave King Tenshinhan.  He forced them to sign a treaty by beating their King at cribbage, and in the end, made allies of the ferocious were-monkeys.  Oops."  The doctor shut his mouth, too late.  Bulma wasn't going to like that, and just when he was hoping he could get her safely married off to a man who, by all reports, was an equal match for her.  What did it matter that he had a tail, or that other small problem?

"Yes, I remember that, well, a little, anyway.  Those 'Strong Men' turned into big hairy apes!   And…a were-monkey?  You think I would want to be wed to a were-monkey?  How could you?  It sounds icky, even if he is rich.  And is that what it's come down to for me, the wealthiest girl in the world?  To be forced to marry someone who's not even human?" Bulma shuddered, tossed her aqua hair again, and frowned at the doctor.

"Do you see any other choices?  In fact, if you want him for yourself, you would probably need to start out almost immediately.  That issue will be on the newsstands any day now."

"Start out?  Where?  Why can't he come to me?  I thought the prince always came to the gorgeous damsel, and not t'other way around."

"You must travel to the Forest of Misbehavior, in the Kingdom of Vegetable.  As for why he can't come to you, I'm afraid he probably doesn't know you exist.  No, you're going to have to go on a quest to win the heart of the fierce Prince of the Vegetables." *And then I can work on that line of self-inflating blow-up dolls Hermit Roshi of the Turtle Island has been wanting, in peace.*

Bulma spluttered,  "Not know I exist?  He must be culturally deprived.  But, Father, why is Vegetable the name of the home of the icky were-monkeys?  That doesn't make any sense!  And I can't go on a quest by myself.  I've never been further than the market on my own before.  I've heard there are trolls, and perverted dwarfs, and all manner of terrible evils lurking in the bushes, ready to menace a pretty girl like myself."

Doctor Lord Briefs shook his head.  The pipe cleaner was completely shredded by now.  "I don't know the answer to your question; you'll have to ask the Vegetables when you get there.  Of course you can go on a quest by yourself, dear.   It's how these things are done.  You're old enough to know what to avoid and what not to.  Additionally, you'll have all the technology the Laboratory can provide, save for the air cars.  I'm afraid every one of them ended up in the shop this week.  Your cousin Bluechin was playing dodgecar with The Lord of Lightening again."

"Ooh, he's going to be very, very, very sorry when next I see him!  Well, I don't seem to have a bit of choice if I want to have a decent husband - but you had better be right about this prince being handsome, rich, intelligent, and strong, or I'll wreck those blow-up doll prototypes you've been slaving on when I return."

The doctor shuddered.  Where had he and Clytemenestra gone wrong with their daughter?  She had been such a sweet and humble child, once upon a time.

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Hello, it's Timaeus the Glib, your jovial narrator.  Please stay tuned for the beginning of Bulma's adventures on the way to meet her Prince Uncharming.  Until then, adieu, and a hand-kiss for all the pretty ladies in the audience.

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