Disclaimer: We don't own the Harry Potter characters. All are property of J.K. Rowling and such. Please don't sue, we're extremely poor, even though we have legitimate jobs.

Summary: Sirius does something very stupid and is sold into slavery by Remus! What will happen to him? More importantly, will Remus regret his decision and try to get him back?

WARNINGS: Sirius/Remus SLASH, Sirius/Draco almost-SLASH, Sirius/Bill almost-SLASH. AU, extreme stupidity, OOC-ness, sometimes it won't make much sense. But it's FUNNY!

Notes: Just to confirm, we are NOT supporters of slavery! The 'slavery' Sirius encounters here is more of an indentured servitude. WE ARE NOT SUPPORTERS OF SLAVERY. There will be no outrageous cruelty here. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY. SLAVERY IN REAL LIFE IS NOT FUNNY. Our story, however, is under the 'Humour' section for a reason. SO LIGHTEN UP AND LAUGH.

Remember - SLAVERY IS BAD.

-Maid Service-
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Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there were two men and a young boy who lived in a tiny little house called the Shrieking Shack. It was known as such because what the two men did together at night caused a lot of shrieking.

One of the men had long, shiny black hair and beautiful midnight-blue eyes. His name was Sirius. He had spent five years in the wizard prison, Azkaban, for selling billywig stings to teenagers. So he couldn't get a job.

The other man had short, light brown hair with silver streaks and sweet hazel eyes. His name was Remus, and he was a werewolf. So he couldn't get a job either.

And the boy had messy black hair, round glasses, and bright green eyes. His name was Harry. He was only fifteen, and his puny arms were too weak to lift anything, so he couldn't get a job either. Though his parents had left him a huge fortune when they died, he couldn't use it until he was seventeen.

Sirius and Remus were lovers. The only thing that prevented them from being married was the fact that there wasn't a single minister around who would preform a wedding ceremony for two men. Harry was their godson, and he lived with them since his parents were dead.

Sirius, Remus, and Harry, having no jobs, had very little money. In fact, it was getting to the point where they could no longer feed themselves properly, much like Charlie Bucket's family in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'. They had to do something. They were starving.

Remus went to the cupboard one morning and pulled out an old tin. He extracted two Galleons from it and sighed.

"Is that all the money we have?" Sirius asked, peering over his lover's shoulder.

"I'm hungry..." Harry moaned, from where he sat with his head on the table.

"I'm afraid so," Remus said unhappily. He handed it to Sirius. "Here. Go and buy us some groceries."

Sirius looked at his godson, who now bore a strong resemblance to the characters in The Nightmare Before Christmas. "Eurgh. Okay. Off I go."

He put on his shabby old cloak and headed out. He didn't have the energy to hurry, so he walked as fast as he could (which wasn't very fast at all) and kept his fingers crossed that Remus and Harry wouldn't starve to death before he could get home.

He was almost at the market when a sign caught his eye: MOTORCYCLE FOR SALE!

Now, Sirius was a sucker for motorcycles. He loved them to death, and loved enchanting them to make them fly. Every thought of Harry and Remus vanished from his mind as he gazed upon the beautiful, glittering black-and-silver bike which sat next to the sign.

A bandy-legged, ginger-haired salesman sidled up to him. "Why, hello, sir," he said with a greasy salesman's smile. "Name's Mundungus Fletcher. You interested in this here beautiful machine?"

"Yes!" Sirius said. "How much is it?"

Mundungus grinned. "Price is five hundred Galleons, but I like your face, so I'll give you a deal. How does one hundred sound?"

Sirius was flattered. No one had ever told him they liked his face before. Then said face fell. "I only have two Galleons," he said sadly, pulling the money from his pocket.

Mundungus rubbed his stubbly chin. "We-ell... I dunno. That's a pretty steep discount." Then he grinned. "But I'll take it!" He snatched the two Galleons from Sirius, and dropped a key in his palm. "There you go! It's all yours!"

Sirius couldn't believe his good luck. "Wow! Thanks a lot!" he cried, getting on the bike and starting it up. Glowing with pride, he rode home to show his pretty toy to Remus and Harry.

Back home, Remus and Harry were waiting impatiently for Sirius to return with the groceries. They heard a loud, ominous rumbling.

"What is that?" Remus wondered, and he and Harry rose to their malnourished feet and went outside to look.

Their jaws dropped. Sirius was in the front garden, dismounting a monstrous black-and-sliver motorbike.

"Siri... where did you get that awful thing?" Remus asked.

His lover beamed. "I bought it! For two Galleons! Isn't it a bargain?"

Remus turned white. Harry wailed, "But that money was supposed to be for FOOD!"

"Oh, but this is an investment. I can ride around, dressed as a scary Muggle biker, and force people to give me money!" Sirius patted the bike lovingly. It trembled, then collapsed into a hundred pieces.

Silence reigned as a few screws rolled away under the porch. Sirius looked horrified. Remus' left eye was twitching. Sirius bit his lip. "Well, that explains the discount price..."

"THAT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD!" Remus exploded. "Honestly, Sirius, are you that dumb! I sent you for FOOD! We are STARVING! And you came back with a MOTORCYCLE! Moreover, a motorcycle that was probably held together by SPIT AND OLD GUM!"

Sirius cringed. "But - love -"

"NO BUTS!" Remus screamed. "I've had enough! You were supposed to be the provider for this family, but then you had to do so many stupid things - like getting sent to Azkaban - and don't even give me the excuse that the money from the billywig stings was for food! I'm SICK of this!" He glared. "But I think I have an idea to solve our money woes."

"What's that?" Harry and Sirius asked in unison.

Remus gritted his teeth. "You, Sirius, are going to be sold!"

"What!" yelped Sirius. "No, Remmie, no!"

"I'm hungry," Harry commented, watching as his godfather collapsed in a heap and began to sob. Remus paid no attention, but headed inside to write a letter.

-

"Okay, Lupin, I'll give you one thousand Galleons for him," Lucius Malfoy said coolly. He was standing in the front yard, holding Sirius by the wrist. Remus nodded.

"That's fine, Mr. Malfoy. Go ahead, take him." Remus accepted the sack of gold Lucius handed him. "Try not to mess up too badly, Sirius."

"But Remmie !"

"Goodbye," Remus said, going into the house and shutting the door. Lucius turned and headed for the carriage that had brought him, dragging Sirius along. Sirius sniffled all the way back to Malfoy Manor. How could Remus have sold him? To the Malfoys? Was he that much of an annoyance?

"No crying, Black," Lucius snapped as they headed up the stone steps. "You don't want to muss up your uniform."

"My... uniform?" Sirius swiped at his tears with his sleeve.

"Here it is!" crowed a voice. It was Sirius' cousin Narcissa, Lucius' wife. She was standing at the door with her son Draco, and they were both grinning evilly. Sirius could see why. Narcissa was waving a short black dress in the air.

-

"Come on, Black!" Lucius barked. "Get out here!"

"Ugh..." Sirius whined, but complied. The Malfoys began to snigger as he entered the drawing room.

Sirius was wearing the short black dress, which exposed a lot of leg. Underneath he wore three frilly petticoats, black fishnet stockings, and sexy, lacy white panties. He wore a ruffled white apron over the dress, a pair of black stiletto heels, and a lacy white headband. His hair was in a braid and tied with a big white bow. He had never felt like such a slut in all his life.

Fortunately for Sirius, he didn't have much time to mull over his current situation. He was put to work right away, doing the jobs the Malfoys didn't make even the house-elves do. He was to clean out the chamber pots, without magic. He started in the master bedroom, and worked his way to the rooms of the house-elves and other servants, saving Draco's for last. He knew the git would make the job as difficult and as disgusting as he possibly could. Unable to put the room off any longer, he slowly made his way to the chambers of the youngest Malfoy.

Draco was in his room, looking over what seemed to be textbooks. Sirius stopped in the doorway and peeked around the large oak door. The sight that met poor Sirius' eyes would scar him for the rest of his life. It was Draco, sitting on his bed, struggling to put on a skimpy outfit that was clearly made for a small girl, not a strapping young lad. The crazy little git was even upset that he couldn't seem to achieve the task set before him! Sirius rushed into Draco's room, grabbed the chamber pot, and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Cleaning out a chamber pot was a much more pleasant task than watching Draco struggle with the outfit.

-

A day or so passed and Sirius was starting to get used to his tasks around the manor. He'd start with the chamber pots, go to the laundry, then clean anything else that the house-elves didn't get to. Generally, he was beginning to think that being the Malfoys' slave wasn't as bad as he had imagined. Then, quite suddenly, it all went downhill.

Sirius knew the day wasn't going to go well as soon as he woke up. His 'uniform' had been removed from his room, and in place of it there was a 'uniform' that even he was ashamed to put on. Instead of the maid outfit, there was a blue-and-green plaid schoolgirl skirt, white stockings, and knee-high glam boots. For a shirt, there was a ruffly white blouse with the puffiest sleeves imaginable, set off by a blue bow tie.

The mention of anything actually fitting was another matter. Nothing was even close to his size. It all looked as though it was made to fit a twelve-year-old girl, rather than a thirty-six-year-old man. Sirius stayed in his pajamas and went to find Lucius. If he was the one who had ordered this crazy outfit, he would have no choice but to obey and put it on. Lucius didn't listen, simply nodded, and told Sirius to "bugger off".

Putting on the outfit was more of a calamity than being sold. He couldn't believe he was being lowered to such an insulting standard. He laughed a few times (though maniacally).

That day Sirius went about the house, doing his daily chores. He'd been ordered to take the place of one of the servants who had fallen ill earlier in the day. This consisted of serving the Malfoys their dinner, and of clearing the table as well. The cooks took one look at Sirius and burst out laughing. He'd chosen to put his hair in pigtails, which made him look even more ridiculous. Scowling, Sirius took the plates to the family waiting in the dining room.

Lucius was reading something, not paying attention to anything around him. Narcissa was poking at a mysterious stain on her dress, and Draco was staring slack-jawed at Sirius. Draco was, of course, the one who had put the outfit in Sirius' room for him to wear. This was the outfit he'd been struggling with a day earlier. He thought it would just be demeaning for Sirius to wear it, but somehow he made it look GOOD! He dribbled just a bit.

Narcissa looked up from her dress and shrieked when she saw what her servant was wearing. Lucius looked up, and Sirius dropped the tray of food he was carrying. Lucius' eyes went wide, first with shock, then with anger when he saw the way Draco was staring. Lucius knew the look on Draco's face too well. He was beginning to fancy Sirius! This could not go on in his home! He would not allow it! Lucius stood up and ordered Sirius to the drawing room.

Sirius knew this couldn't be good. Lucius was red, and shaking. Sirius couldn't guess what he'd done wrong, besides dropping the tray. But he didn't think he'd get sacked over dropping a tray! Of course, there were the flower pots... and that bush. Oh, he wouldn't forget that bush. He couldn't help that the spell was the wrong one! He also couldn't have stopped it from spontaneously combusting and spreading across the estate! Somehow he knew he hadn't kept the incident from the Malfoys as well as he thought he had. So what if the grass was orange now! Sirius simply couldn't begin to imagine what was ahead of him.

"BLACK, PAY ATTENTION!" Lucius' voice echoed throughout the home. Sirius snapped to attention, making the skirt shorter, and his legs more luscious. Lucius looked him up and down, admiring the sight before him, almost against his will. "I know that you came to me this morning, is this what you asked me about? This atrocity? Why didn't you make it more urgent than 'Mr. Malfoy, can I talk to you?' You of all people should know what I'm like when I'm not paying attention."

"Well, I didn't think it was of the utmost importance... I just figured you wanted me in something different..."

"You have no idea what I want... I wanted that on Draco, not you... I shouldn't have said that..."

Sirius' eyes went as wide as plates and he backed out of the room quickly. Lucius let him go, figuring that he'd already said too much, and there wasn't anything he could say to cover it up.

-

Back in the dining room, Draco couldn't believe how GOOD Sirius looked in that ridiculous get-up. Narcissa was thinking along those same lines when all of a sudden Lucius broke into her thoughts. He stormed into the dining room, looking like a child who has just lost his balloon. "Who gave that man that ridiculous outfit!" he raged, turning to glare at Draco. He knew it had been Draco who gave Sirius the outfit, because he, Lucius, was the one who'd given it to Draco in the first place! Draco looked up and simply nodded at his father. Lucius stalked out of the room, ordering one of the house-elves to bring his dinner to the drawing room.

Sirius was walking back to his room, grinning to himself. Lucius hadn't sacked him! He didn't know what would happen if he got sacked... Lucius might make Remus give the money back. Sirius had to try his hardest to keep the job.

Lost in his thoughts, he tripped and fell down the remaining stairs, crashing into an ancient vase and landing on his head. Just then, Draco came walking out of the room adjacent to the vase. As Sirius was not in the most flattering position, his skirt was up around his waist, and the world could see most of what he had to offer. Draco stopped short, wide-eyed and drooling. Sirius was pretty much unconscious, and unable to defend himself from the perverted eyes of the youngest Malfoy.

Lucius opened his door and saw the whole thing. He waited to see what Draco would do. His son ran over to Sirius and started babbling incoherently. Lucius growled, slammed the door behind him, and went to the fireplace. He took a pinch of Floo powder from his cauldron and bent close to the fire, throwing it in. The fire rose higher, turning green. Sticking his head into the fire he yelled out, "LESTRANGES' PLEASE!"

Lucius' head spun faster and faster until he was looking out of the Lestranges' fireplace. "BELLATRIX LESTRANGE, WHERE ARE YOU?"

From the corner of his eye, he saw someone jump up. All of a sudden Bellatrix's face was in front of his. "You have to take this monster of a human being off my hands!" he yelled at her.

"What are you talking about, Lucius?" Bellatrix was clearly confused.

"Sirius Black, your cousin, has entranced my son into fancying him!"

Bellatrix sniggered before replying, "I always knew Draco would grow up to be a blinking fruit."

"A fruit! Did you just call my son a fruit! Well, he is. But he's MY fruit! Please, take Sirius, Bella! You don't have to pay much... I just want my son's affections back! Ever since I paid for that lowlife Draco hasn't come to the drawing room once!"

"Um... I'll give you..." Bellatrix looked around, and stuffed her hand into her robes. "Er... I'll give you... two Knuts and some lint!"

"Sounds great! He'll be here tonight!" Lucius crowed, and pulled his head back into his own home. Running out of the room, he saw that Draco was still drooling over Sirius. He ran over to the upside-down man and pulled him right-side up. "The Malfoy family is no longer in need of your service, Sirius Black!"

A panicked look appeared in Sirius' eyes. "You can't sack me, sir! I need this job! Remmie and Harry are counting on me... you can't make Remmie pay the money back!" he stammered on and on.

"No need for it. You are going to the Lestranges'. TONIGHT! Go and pack your belongings."

Sirius rushed up the stairs and to his room, quickly throwing his very few belongings into a bag. He ran back downstairs and stood at attention in front of Lucius.

"TAKEO! Collect the carriage. I need to deliver this man to the Lestranges' tonight!" Lucius shouted to another of his servants.

At the sound of horses whinnying and rocks crunching, Lucius threw open the door and ran outside with Sirius.

Once they reached the Lestrange home, Lucius jumped out of the carriage and pulled Sirius with him. Knocking at the door furiously was the only way Lucius could take out his fury and anxiousness.

Bellatrix opened the door, and her jaw dropped at the sight of her cousin.

To Be Continued...

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(A/N: Our second fic! It involves some of our trademark obsessions: Sirius in drag, Malfoy incest, stupid plotlines, and... well, we won't tell you. It will ruin the upcoming chapters. But we must warn you, probably every story we ever cobble together will feature weird kinks that we find funny, delicious, and deliciously funny. Just lighten up and laugh! We do. All the time. But then, we just might be insane.

Please stay tuned for Chapter 2!)