Oh, Major…
by 80sarcades


Several deleted stanzas from Oh, Little Town of Hammelburg make up this treat set to Oh Little Town of Bethlehem. The credit for the original idea behind both of these Carols goes to Sgt. Moffitt. Yes, I know it's Christmas; everyone deserves a good time. However, Hochstetter is a pain in the neck to the Heroes, so…off we go!

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the boxed set of Hogan's Heroes. That's mine!


Oh, Major Wolfgang Hochstetter, how still you'll never lie
Your blood pressure goes straight up with every explosion nearby
The silent streets ring out, with your expressive tokens
As you soundly curse the name of one Colonel Robert Hogan

No one will listen to you; your superiors are rather weary
Even Burkhalter has said where you can shove your fine theory
Your plans are pretty sound; yet you're a lousy bum steer
Worst of all, you have an ulcer; you can't even get drunk on beer

His social life is a total wreck; what woman would call him?
The truth is worse, and really hurts: they'd rather date Stalin
To the fairer sex he's clueless; of romance he's never made
You can take this fact to the bank: the man will never get laid

How did you get so evil now; how did you have a mother?
Against Colonel Hogan, you'll never win; you're a born sucker
The Major tries his very best; he always goes for broke
If he wasn't a recurring star the man would have a stroke

Oh, poor Major Hochstetter, how your dreams are so grand!
Hogan and crew will end them; they'll go straight in the can
Your frustration is so evident; you really have no peer
Who else can so soundly scream "What is this man doing here?"

[fin/ende]

A/N: Reviews are always appreciated! Hope you enjoyed it!