A/N: A Christmas short to say 'thank you' to everyone for reading/reviewing my stories. I'd intended to post this over 3 days but since my local ISP went down yesterday GROWL. I'll be posting the second chapter later today.

Disclaimer: The characters, with the exception of those not in the original line-up, don't belong to me. They remain the property of Paxson Entertainment. I'm just having a bit of fun with them.

Key: Signing in bold

o-xxx-o

All I Want For Christmas...

o-xxx-x

The Memorial Service had passed in a blur, a haze of despair and loss... His friends and colleagues had rallied round protectively but he'd hardly noticed them or anything else for that matter, until her parents came over to speak to him. He had no idea what to say or do and when he met Carla's hard, tearful gaze he froze completely, barely able to breathe as she vented her anger on him.

"I should never have allowed her to come to D.C..." Bill Thomas tried to guide her away but she stood her ground. "I should have insisted she take a job closer to home but she was so determined to work for the F.B.I." She dabbed at her eyes with a white cotton and lace handkerchief. "I thought she'd be safe in an office, not out in the field."

Jack managed to find his voice although it was hardly above a whisper, touching her lightly on the arm in an attempt to console her. "It wasn't your fault, you can't blame yourself." He was taken aback when she pushed his hand away and her next words hurt far more than anything else had that day.

"I don't blame myself Agent Hudson, I blame you. Why couldn't you have left well alone? My daughter would have been out of harm's way in fingerprinting but you had to interfere..." She broke off and looked at her husband angrily when he made another attempt to intervene. "I'm sure you'll find a way to live with the guilt but I want you to know that I'll never forgive you for this, never." With that she finally gave in and walked away with Bill supporting her.

Jack stood staring after them in complete shock, jumping violently when Bobby put an arm around his shoulder.

"You want me to go after her? Tell her about you and Sue?"

"No, leave them. Sue's mom needs someone to blame, it might as well be me."

"It wasn't your fault Sparky... Sue made the choice to move to New York, you didn't force her. She loved you mate, hold on to that. It was Mrs T's grief talking, she was dead wrong."

"No, she wasn't." Jack shrugged off his friend's comforting arm and started to walk away.

"Hold up, I'll give you a lift."

Without turning, he waved a hand 'no' and walked out of the grounds, leaving the rest of the team staring after him.

"Is he okay?" Myles asked worriedly.

"What do you think?" The Aussie countered irritably.

o-xxx-o

Jack couldn't remember how he'd got home, how long it had taken or even which route he'd taken. He didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. Not even bothering to remove his coat he slumped down onto the couch, throwing his door keys onto the coffee table and making sure his cell was switched off before placing it beside them.

The room was in shadow, the Christmas tree by the window looking as though it had seen better days but he hadn't had the heart to take it down. He smiled wistfully as he recalled how excited she'd been when they'd bought and decorated it, their very first tree together... There should have been so many more. At the time it had looked beautiful but now it stood as a stark reminder, a monument to everything he'd lost. Leaning back he stared straight ahead, not seeing anything, not feeling anything... completely numb... and he knew he'd never be the same again...

Hours later he stirred and stretched. Opening his eyes, he was surprised to find that it was dark both inside the apartment and out. Automatically, he stood and switched on the light, looking around the room and feeling somewhat confused by the mess it was in. He quickly removed his coat, hung it over the chair and started to tidy up. Sue was due in a few days and he couldn't let her find the place in this state. Bending down he picked up the smashed remnants of a drinks' glass and everything came back to him in such a rush that it almost knocked him to his knees. Sue was gone. She wouldn't be coming this week or any other week for that matter. He'd lost her.

A desolation, far more profound than when he'd been told of her death, gripped him and he felt the tears welling up inside once more but he refused to cry. Carla had been right, it was his fault and he didn't deserve the temporary relief that tears would bring. He walked slowly to the bedroom, his body close to exhaustion despite the time he'd just spent sleeping on the couch, and lay down on the bed reaching out to grab the huge teddy bear he'd bought as part of her Christmas present. Hugging it tightly against him he waited for the darkness to claim him once more.

The first light of dawn filtered through the window and he drifted into wakefulness, reluctant to let go of the beautiful dream he'd been having. His body ached for her and with eyes still closed, he reached over to the other side of the bed but found it cold and empty. Reality crashed in on him once more.

~ Was this how his life would be from now on? Sleeping alone... Waking alone... Nothing left to hold on to but dreams and memories? ~

He stifled a sob and something inside him snapped. He couldn't do this anymore. He wouldn't... He just hoped the others, especially Bobby, would understand.

Walking to the dresser he opened the drawer, took out his service weapon and returned to the living room, sitting heavily on the couch as he checked to make sure it was loaded. The tears he'd held back for so long falling as he asked God to forgive him for what he was about to do. With a surprisingly steady hand he brought the gun up to his temple, called out Sue's name and...

Jack woke with a start, sitting bolt upright in the bed, his heart hammering, body shaking and covered in sweat; his breathing coming in heaving gasps. Swinging his legs out from under the covers, he reached out and turned on the lamp, his hands gripping the edge of the mattress as he tried to get some sort of control. Realising almost immediately that it wasn't going to work, he knew he had to get to the bathroom cabinet or he was going to be in serious trouble.

With a superhuman effort he hauled himself to his feet and stumbled to the door, turning on the light and grabbing the extra medication he'd been given for just such an event when he'd had his heart attack, although up until now he hadn't needed to use it. His trembling fingers struggled with the childproof lid and he stopped and inhaled deeply before trying again. Just when he thought he'd lost the battle, the cap flew off, spilling some of the contents onto the floor. Tipping a fresh tablet into his palm, he tossed it into his mouth and washed it down with a handful of water; not trusting himself to keep hold of a glass, then stood quietly using the edge of the basin for support until he felt the thumping in his chest start to ease.

Glancing in the mirror he saw a face ravaged by weeks of nightmares all of which were about losing Sue, but this one had been terrifying. The meds were helping but there was only one thing that would really calm him down, so stumbling back into the bedroom he sat on the bed and dialled her number. He was loath to wake her but he needed desperately to hear her voice and prove to himself that she was okay. He listened with barely controlled panic to the ring tone, a voice in his head screaming for her to pick up.

"Jack?" She hadn't needed to ask who it was or check the ID. He'd called her several times in the middle of the night recently. She said his name again but not seeing any response, she sat up and started to talk to him, her words soft but filled with tender concern. "It's alright darling, everything's alright. Just take slow, deep breaths and listen to my voice. That's the way... slow... deep... breaths." After a few minutes she saw his apology appear on the screen.

"I'm sorry, Sue, I didn't want to wake you again but..."

"It's alright Jack, I would have been more upset if you hadn't. Was it that dream again? The one you won't tell me about."

"Yes." He blew out a shuddering breath. "Only this time it was worse, much worse."

"Are you okay now?"

"I think so," he lied. If she could see the way his hands were still shaking, his fingers barely able to hold the receiver, she would have been on the first available flight to D.C.

"Jack?"

"Talk to me some more."

"About what..?" He could almost see the crooked smile on her face.

"Anything..."

Deciding he needed a little light relief, she told him about an incident in Central Park involving Levi and a pigeon and when she saw nonsense come up on the screen, she knew he was laughing. "Better?"

"Much."

"You're sure?"

"I'll be alright now Sweetheart, you go back to sleep... and thank you."

"Any time... I'll see you in a few days."

"Promise..?"

"I promise. Try and get some rest. I love you."

"I love you too. More than you can possibly imagine. Good night."

"...Night."

o-xxx-o