.:Author's Note:. This was originally written as part of my DBZ humor fic series A Saiyan Adventure, but since it's been so long since I updated that one and my writing style has changed somewhat, I figured I'd upload this as a separate story and save many people the pain of reading through my previous attempts at poorly-written humor. Feel free to go through and read it before/after though... I wrote this a while ago but never managed to finish, and with all the time I've had on my hands lately, I've finally gotten back to trying to finish this. It should only be 2 or 3 parts. Happy reading!
Disclaimer: The rights to Dragonball Z belong to Akira Toriyama, Toei Animation, and Fuji TV. This is a not-for-profit work of fiction.
Warnings: Rated for Vegeta's foul mouth, mature themes/jokes, and general chaos.
...
Switching Souls Part 1
…
Vegeta grunted under the strain of five hundred times gravity, curling his body up parallel to his lower body before dropping back down, hanging upside down from the metal rail he'd wrapped his legs around. The saiyan managed his last set of hundred before flipping off the rail and landing with a huff. Vegeta straightened and turned off the machine, grabbing a white towel and wiped his face and neck before whipping it over his shoulders. He exited the gravity room and was headed towards the house when a towering saiyan abruptly appeared in front of him, two fingers pressed to his forehead.
"Hey Vegeta!" Goku greeted cheerfully.
"Hey dickhead. Get off my property."
Goku frowned. "This isn't your house, you know. And Bulma said I was allowed to come over whenever I wanted."
"Well the woman isn't here. So shove off," Vegeta growled, stomping inside. Goku followed him regardless.
"Aren't you in a good mood today," he noted with surprising sarcasm. Vegeta shot the younger saiyan a glare but did not bequeath him a response. Instead he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle of water, gulping it down in seconds.
"So," Goku began, "what are the kids up to?"
Vegeta grunted. "Hell if I know. If they aren't beating each other up, terrifying the neighbor's dog, or staring at that abominable television screen, then I have no idea as to where they would be."
"Oh. Do you think Bulma might have taken them out?"
"I don't know. She said she was going grocery shopping or something."
Goku grinned. "Grocery shopping. That brings back memories! Remember when –"
"No, Kakkarot. I do not wish to remember. So shut that racketing mouth of yours before I shove my fist down your throat."
"You're no fun," Goku pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.
"And you're a pathetic, witless child. Grow up, will you?" Vegeta growled. Goku grinned.
"I'm the pathetic witless child that kicks your ass every time we spar."
Vegeta whirled around to face the saiyan, a look of rage distorting his features. "You want to repeat that, asswipe?" he snarled, storming forward. Goku danced out of range and began walking through the corridors. Vegeta followed him, still steaming.
"So what's Bulma been working on lately? She told me she'd been investigating a whole new concept."
Vegeta grunted. "How would I know? Damn woman never tells me anything."
"Maybe because last time she told you, you dashed into her lab and blasted the whole room to smithereens."
"She was making a collar that forces the wearer to obey any command!" Vegeta hissed. "And I know that she would have wasted no time in making me her first guinea pig!"
Goku laughed. "Oh come on, she was just screwing around with you."
"Oh sure, except I heard her muttering something about 'Vegeta in a pink apron baking a lemon pie.' I have my pride you know!"
Goku chortled. "I would have loved to see that!" Vegeta shot him a murderous glare that was quickly cut off as Goku let out a quip of joy upon arriving to and entering Bulma's lab. The room was relatively large and windowless with piles upon piles of machinery, junk, and scattered papers piled on desks and tables. A large metallic table lay uncovered in the middle of the room, above it some kind of complex scanning machinery. Goku began pacing around, poking around and scrutinizing papers curiously.
"Don't break anything," Vegeta growled as Goku handled a large scrap of tubular metal. "We shouldn't even be here. The woman is going to throw a fit if she finds out we've invaded her lab."
"Don't worry about it, 'Geta," Goku said carelessly. Vegeta released a long breath.
"How. Many. Times. Must I remind you not to call me that?" the prince seethed.
"Probably a lot more," Goku replied tactfully. Vegeta made to storm towards him and ram his fist within the younger saiyan's bowels, but Goku danced around him, attention drawn towards an object on a nearby desk. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands.
"Hey Vegeta, check this out." Vegeta reluctantly turned his attention to Goku's hands rather than his stomach. The earth-bred saiyan held in his hands a piece of machinery shaped like a large handgun with two barrels pointing in opposite directions.
"That's funny. It's like a gun pointing two ways," Goku mused.
"Your head will be pointing two ways if you don't put that down soon," Vegeta growled, growing more uncomfortable as the other saiyan began prodding the object and turning dials here and there. He pointed it at the wall and pulled the trigger. The gun made a small whirring noise, but nothing happened. Vegeta allowed himself to relax as the saiyan visibly deflated.
"I guess it doesn't work yet, whatever it is," he muttered dejectedly.
"Consider that a good thing, Kakkarot," Vegeta added. He made to take the gun from Goku, but the saiyan jerked it away.
"Wait, I want to see what the other dials do."
"It doesn't work, you imbecil," Vegeta snarled. "Now give it to me before you break it. The woman will have my loins should anything happen to her work again." Goku backed up, fumbling at the dials again. He suddenly blinked.
"Oh look, there's a switch here. I wonder what it does." Vegeta noticed the gun suddenly whirr to life again, and froze.
"Kakkarot, put that – " Before he could finish his phrase, a jet of blue light shot from both barrels of the gun, piercing both Goku and Vegeta in the chest. Vegeta felt himself grow heavy, then light, but helpless as he felt himself wrenched through the air as if falling and falling, until everything went black.
…
Goku awoke with a searing headache. He groaned and rubbed at his head, blinking. Above him, he saw the white tiles ceiling of Bulma's lab, and everything that had happened came rushing back, bit by bit. He looked around him for the gun, and suddenly noticed he was clad in blue spandex and white boots.
Well that was queer.
He struggled to his feet and looked around. The table in the middle of the lab had been turned over, papers and metal objects strewn about the lab. Goku couldn't help but notice everything seemed a bit… taller than before. He shrugged and noticed the gun on the floor, bending over to pick it up. The gun was as lifeless as it had been when he'd found it. He played with the knobs and buttons, but summoned nothing but a few empty clicks. He suddenly heard a groan from behind the table. 'Oh yeah,' he suddenly remembered, 'Vegeta.'
"What the fuck just happened?" Goku blinked as he heard the saiyan growl from behind the table. Something sounded strange about his voice. It was surely him – there was no doubting that crass language – but the pitch felt off. Goku walked toward the table and peeked over, just as Vegeta snapped open his eyes.
The two saiyans stared at each other. Seconds later, a piercing screech emanated from both of them.
Vegeta scrambled to his feet, almost tripping over his new, longer legs and ungainly build. Goku simply stood and stared, one hand pointing at the saiyan before him.
"What… Vegeta… you… why do you look like me now?" Goku exclaimed. He nearly snapped his mouth shut mid-sentence when he suddenly realized how hoarse and raspy his voice sounded.
"What the hell do you mean I look like you!" Vegeta screeched. Goku couldn't help but find the aggressive words in his voice to be freakishly unnatural. "You're the one who… stole my body! What kind of witchcraft is this!" Goku trembled, looking down at himself, pulling at the spandex suit, and observing his smaller, slighter, though still muscular build. Vegeta touched his hair, rankled to find a flayed mess of hair rather than his usual slicked-back do. The orange jumpsuit irritated him already, and he felt himself irrationally repulsed by the way Goku prodded at his body.
"Stop touching me… yourself… like that," the prince snapped as Goku began pulling at his cheeks and tugging his hair.
"But it's so weird," the saiyan whined. Vegeta bristled.
"What, you think being in your oaf of a body makes me feel any better?" he snapped. Goku suddenly looked up at him and blinked. Vegeta instantly felt the urge to punch Goku for placing such an innocent look on his – or rather, his body's – face. It made him feel sick. Goku suddenly stepped forward until he faced Vegeta, and his face broke out into a smirk that, while more comfortable on his face, made Vegeta feel no better.
"So this is what it feels like, looking up at me all the time," Goku drawled. "No wonder you style your hair vertically." Vegeta flared, pulling Goku towards him by the scuff of his spandex suit. His suit.
"Fuck you, Kakkarot. Don't you even try to belittle me like that. I'm still your prince, no matter whose oaf of a body I'm stuck in."
Goku pursed his lips. "You really shouldn't swear like that, Vegeta. Especially looking like me. I'm going to develop a potty-mouth, and it's unbecoming around the kids."
"Kami take your fucking kids! I'm not planning on staying like this for much longer! You're fixing this immediately!"
Goku rubbed his head and sighed, prying Vegeta's arms off the blue suit. It was difficult considering the outfit –his – considering how many times he'd thought it ridiculous and swore to never wear something similar.
"The gun doesn't work," he said pointedly, gesturing towards the gun he'd abruptly dropped upon seeing Vegeta. The saiyan prince blanched. He turned and picked the gun up, pointing it at Goku and pulling the trigger several times. When nothing happened, Vegeta screamed and threw the gun across the room, where it shattered against the wall.
"Well now you're gone and destroyed the thing, Vegeta!" Goku whined. "How are we ever going to get it to work?"
"It doesn't work, dumbass!" Vegeta shrieked. "How the hell are you – you stupid, ungainly, waste of space – going to get it to work?" Goku was a bit put-off by the sudden slew of insults and crossed his arms over his chest.
"You're gonna give me wrinkles," he muttered. Vegeta stopped his raving and stared at Goku.
"What are you talking about?" the saiyan growled – though not half as menacingly in Goku's light voice than in his own. Goku pointed to the spot between his eyebrows.
"Wrinkles," he reiterated, "I'm pretty sure yours are permanent, 'cuz you scowl so much. You need to smile more." Goku gave the saiyan prince his prettiest smile. Vegeta threw a crowbar at his face.
"Vegeta, you're just injuring your own body like this!" Goku retaliated, massaging a bump on his head where the object had abruptly crash landed.
"I would rather see myself bruised and battered than sporting that horror of an expression on my face," Vegeta snarled, his cheeks still a slight green. Suddenly, both of them snapped their heads up, feeling a familiar presence approaching the house.
"Shit," Vegeta swore. "It's the woman. What the fuck do we do?" Goku glanced at the mess behind them.
"Should we tell her?" he asked uncertainly.
"Are you kidding?" Vegeta seethed. "She'll never let this down. There's no way she'll help us once she finds out what happened."
"Well how are we going to fix this then?" Goku asked, growing desperate.
"We'll tell her… it got destroyed while we were fighting. She'll fix it, and we'll be able to switch as soon as it's done."
"Alright, but do you think she'll buy it?" Goku asked uncertainly. Vegeta shot him an angry glare.
"You could start by wiping off that stupid expression on your face," he said darkly. Goku rolled his eyes and tried for a mean scowl.
"Is that better?" he said, pursing his lips angrily.
"No," Vegeta snorted. "Just act… not naturally, but just… just don't fucking say anything. Let me do the talking. Just go home."
"Go home?" Goku asked. "But… I technically live here now."
Vegeta paused for a moment, then snarled, ripping at his hair.
"Damn it all!" he swore. "Look, just get out of here. Get us both out of here! I need time to think!"
"Uh, alright," Goku said. He pressed two fingers to his forehead, his other hand on Vegeta's shoulder, and concentrated.
"Kakkarot, what are you doing?"
Goku blinked and looked up. Vegeta was still scowling at him, looking rather menacing now that he was so much taller.
"I don't… know. I can't teleport."
"What do you mean you can't teleport?" the prince yelled in exasperation.
"Shhh," Goku cooed, feeling Bulma's presence near the house. "I don't know. It just… it doesn't feel right. It's like your body isn't conditioned for it."
"Well obviously," Vegeta snapped. "I don't exactly teleport on a daily basis you know."
"Well how am I supposed to get us out of here?" Goku whined, bouncing up and down nervously.
"You don't," Vegeta said. "You're going to stay here. You're going to pretend you're me, and I'm going to go to your house and pretend I'm you. We'll do that until Bulma fixes the gun thing and then everything will be back to normal, do you understand?"
"Yes okay," Goku said, leaning away from the saiyan, who had become increasingly close during his agitation.
Goku jumped as he heard a door slam open not too far away and Bulma's voice echo through the building. "Vegeta, are you here? You left the gravity machine open again. And is this your towel on the floor. Urgh it reeks!"
"Blasted woman," Vegeta snarled. He glanced up at Goku and slapped him in the face.
"What the hell was that for?" Goku whined.
"Stop that," Vegeta snapped. "No more pathetic whining. I don't whine, and if you don't want Bulma to find out what happened you'll wipe that horrendous expression off your face before I rip it off."
Goku pat his new tender cheeks. "But you wouldn't do that to yourself, would you?" he said, attempting his most innocent expression.
"I will if you ever look at me like that again. I would rather be maimed than… fucking hell, stop it you oaf! You're doing it on purpose now!" Vegeta grabbed Goku around the neck, a feat much easier now because of the size difference, and wrestled him into a headlock cursing angrily.
"Vegeta?"
Goku and Vegeta froze as Bulma entered the room, gazing curiously at the both of them. She smiled wryly and folded her arms.
"I see Goku's putting you in your place again, Vegeta," she commented. Vegeta scowled and was about to snap something in retort when something jerked him in the ribs.
"I was just about to kick his… ass actually," Goku said. Vegeta stared at the saiyan, who was obviously attempting to match his usual angry look and instead had his face contorted into something akin to a constipated baboon. Vegeta exhaled slowly and cleared his throat, attempting a smile.
"Vegeta and I just finished sparring," he announced. "We were, uh, I was just leaving."
"Oh, we broke your gun by the way," Goku said, holding out the gun towards Bulma. "Got a little rough in your office."
Vegeta stared at Goku in disgust. For one that was a terrible way to put it. Second, throwing out the gun like that wasn't suspicious at all. Third class buffoon.
Fortunately, Bulma hadn't seemed to notice the wording as her eyes fell on the cracked gun.
"Damnit all, Vegeta," she yelled, snatching the gun from Goku's hand. "If you two are going to fight, keep it the fuck outside. And stay out of my lab!"
Goku sidled out of the room, expression wary.
"When do you think it will be fixed?" Vegeta asked. Bulma glanced up at him and then scrutinized the weapon from several directions.
"Not sure…" she began. "It wasn't complete to begin with. Still some notches to solve. It should be fixed within two or three days."
'Two or three days?' Vegeta nearly yelled. He was going to be stuck in the stupid idiot's body for three days more? He scowled and followed Goku out of the lab in disgruntlement.
"Hey Goku." Bulma touched his arm as he passed by. Vegeta paused. "Thanks for stopping by. How's Chichi?"
"Uh," Vegeta grunted, and cleared his throat. "She's… good."
"She called earlier, saying that Trunks was going to stay over at your place. I hope that's all right by you. That boy thinks of you as his second father, you know."
"Does he?" Vegeta said with slight annoyance. Bulma's eyebrows rose at the tone.
"Are you alright? You sound upset. Did Vegeta do something?" she shot Goku an accusing glare. The saiyan just stared back stupidly, puffed his chest, and crossed his arms.
"Uh, no, sorry," Vegeta grunted trying to ignore how idiotic the third-class buffoon was making him look. "I'm just… tired. Think I'm going to head home soon."
"Alright," Bulma smiled, patting Vegeta's arm. "Let me know if Trunks causes any trouble."
"Sure." Vegeta excused himself with a muffled sigh of relief and shot Goku a meaningful look that snarled, 'Follow me or I'll rip your arse off.'
Once outside, Vegeta turned on the saiyan.
"Stop it," he said. Goku's scowl turned into an expression of surprise.
"Stop what?"
"Looking stupid."
"But… I'm pretending I'm you."
"You don't look like me. You look like you pretending to be me."
"But… that's what I'm doing."
"Urgh, but you're not supposed to!" Vegeta snarled, throwing his hands in the air. "Just… go to bed early. Don't talk to Bulma, don't talk to anyone. And especially don't smile."
Goku frowned. "You know, if you smiled a bit, I'm sure you'd make a lot more friends."
"I don't want any friends! And don't even think about it," Vegeta warned. "Try it and I'll rip you open from neck to balls and nail your entrails to your head."
Goku turned a shade green. "But… what if I get hungry?"
"Just find something in the fridge."
Goku didn't look pleased, but Vegeta supposed a hungry Goku was more likely to look sour-faced than a satisfied one. "Well you need to practice your smile then. Because if you come home looking like that, Chichi's going to throw you out of the house."
Vegeta sniffed. "Let her try, there's no way I'm –"
"If I have to play the role of dramatic, lonely and misunderstood, you need to play happy, alright?"
"I am not lonely and misunderstood," Vegeta snapped.
"Smile, 'Geta."
Vegeta bared his teeth.
"You look like you're going to rip someone's heart out. Jeez is that what I look like when I'm angry?"
Vegeta tried again, and again, until Goku gave a shrug of resignation.
"It doesn't matter," Vegeta finally bit. "I won't spend much time with them anyway. I'll just hit the sack early. "
"But you have to eat or they'll get suspicious."
"Fine, whatever!" Vegeta turned to go, shooting Goku one last look. "Remember, no smiling."
Goku gave him his best scowl. "Entrails. Nail. Head. Got it."
Vegeta shuddered at the thought of leaving Goku at his house for the night before taking off into the slowly darkening sky.
…
