Looking through many pictures for this slideshow, I am making for my family. And while listening to Picture of You from The Cure I was inspired. It is going to be a two-shot fic. Angsty fic.
Timeline: OC after season three. Chuck leaves New York and does not get shot or meet Eva in this. It has been a year and Blair is now engaged to Louis. He spends his nights looking at pictures of Blair.
Warning: Drug Use, Prostitution
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Gossip Girl or Picture of You.
I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are
All I can feel
-The Cure Pictures of You
There is something beautiful about the rain in London. It does not rain as often as I would like but when it does, it is beautiful. The people here pull it off so much better than those in New York do. A freak rainstorm in New York will leave the streets empty of people and cars moving slow in the traffic. In London, people brace the rain with umbrellas and rain boots or no rain gear at all. They all move so fast and never looking up as they push past you. For man who used to take a limo everywhere I relish walking in the rain from work to my apartment building. The ten-minute walk suits me. Those hits on shoulders from strangers rushing by or puddles splashing on me while the rain soaks my bones until they are bitterly cold makes me feel. In fact, it is the only time I feel these days.
When I arrive at my building, I find that the walk was too short today or maybe this is becoming numb to me as well. The sound of my silk socks against me leather shoes earned me looks from the doorman. I ignore him as I make my way to the penthouse elevator sliding my key in. The door closing the world behind me.
Staring at myself in the glass, I could see myself standing alone. It is the way I have been for the past year. I fled New York after my horrible breakup with Blair. We had rough patches before. Hell all of senior year was a rough patch but the feeling of escalation to nothingness was too much to bear. In a matter moments the look on her face when I began to drop on one knee elevated me to new heights and then the sorrow on her face with the realization of my betrayal was too much for her to bear. I disappointed her again. Only months after trading her like property, I broke her heart further. I knew my engagement was only putting a Band-Aid on what occurred with Jack but it was my way of trying. Blair loved romantic gestures. I did what I do best after the debacle. I fled. After four months of trying to lose myself in between the bodies of women and in bottles of whatever liquor I could grab I had a wakeup call that sent me to London.
My call came in Prague when in a lowly brothel house I was offered a young woman with eyes like Blair. It scared me how she looked at me. She asked me what service I wanted after from her as she began to prepare a needle to shoot up. As she handed me the needle filled with heroin her brown eyes turned and looked at me. Her eyes, Blair's eyes, looked sad and scared. In that moment, I thought my only options were trying to erase it the pain I felt or to live with the guilt. I must have spaced out for a moment because the girl asked if I was okay. I asked her how old she was with my limited Czech. She looked ashamed as she said sixteen. Her blush reminded of Blair yet again. I grabbed the needle and threw it across the room. I clutched her hand as I pulled her out of the room and out of the building. I gave her pimp who watched the door a thousand for the night. Her terrified expression only ceased when I took her to a diner to feed her. She ate and ate. I knew better than attempting to have a real conversation with the girl. My Czech was limited to sex positions and cocktails. As she ate, I sobered up and sipped on water.
"You from America?" She asked surprising me with her English. It was spoken with a heavy accent but I was impressed.
"Yes, from New York," I offered.
"New York City? I've seen it in movies," She asked. I nodded my head as I sipped my water. "Beautiful, no?"
"Amazing actually," I admitted.
"Why you leave?" She asked. I was silent and she was looked at me with concern. She was concerned for me. My heart broke for her. Caring for other before herself reminded me yet again of my lost love one. I knew she was not Blair and my drunk comparison were probably hallucinations but the sense of protection I felt for her was large.
"A girl... a women… I broke her heart, "I said sadly.
"You have money, why doesn't she want you?" In her world money was anything but I had the luxury in mind that it was just part of our world. If anything, the money caused the problems with my hotel.
"Not that simple," I told her. "I made a mistake."
"Then apologize, "she told me.
"It's beyond apologizing," I explained my anger coming forth and betraying me.
She was silent. I began to look on my burner smartphone to try to find a shelter or home to take her in. Finding a catholic safe haven forty minutes out the city to take her to I asked her she would be interested in leaving this life. She agreed and I told her tomorrow our lives would both get better. I let her shower and slept in my rundown motel room. I stood up the whole night a bit afraid of her pimp coming to find me after I did not return her. Anne was her name. I needed to get her out of here. There was a reason she had Blair's eyes I told myself. I felt like I owed it to Blair to save this girl. In a way, Blair's eyes were saving me. Maybe if her life could be saved from the darkness my life could too. She was my savior as much as I was hers in the moment.
We rode in the taxi together away from the city. I handed her a paper with my number and told her to call if she ever needed. When she left the last words, Anne told me were "she at least deserves an apology." I knew she did. I just did not have the words.
I flew out to London that day and took over Bass European operations. Lily was happy to hear from and begged me to come to New York. But I couldn't. I was done with that city. The Empire State building only served as a reminder of what I lost. My contact was slim, I texted Nate here and there and Skype with Eric a few times. Beyond that, I threw myself into my work and then I came home to my empty apartment.
I walked into that apartment tonight soaking wet. Pulling my clothes off in the hallway until I was bare. Naked I walked through my apartment the heat of the run pricking my cold skin. My skin was burning and itching from the change in temperature was a welcome feeling to the numbness that I usually felt. When it wore off, I showered and put on silk pajamas. It was time to start my nightly routine. My night with Blair.
I poured a scotch and laid on the couch in the living room my tablet in hand. Funny how I spent less than a year with Blair Waldorf but every major happy memory I have come from that year. My life did not begin before her and ended with her. These photos were all I had of her now. Hovering returning to new York left me with no physical item. Just photos that remained on my I cloud of my old life. First, I would begin by scrolling through the society pages and gossip sites for photos of her. She was engaged now to be married to a Prince. She was the American Princess or future one that is. The pictures were reminders of how she was no longer mine but it also reminded me how beautiful she is. I also felt a bit of smugness when I noticed their outfits were not perfectly coordinated the way we used to. She smiled with him, her prince in all the photos. I wonder if he knew her I like I did. How evil and manipulative she could be. How she could dream the most impossible things. She was a dreamer and yet a realistic. I loved her for it. Was his Blair mine? I flipped through the photos looking to see if I could determine how she was. A few weeks ago, she got into a major car crash on the way to JFK. She was in the hospital for four days. The only major visible injury was a cast on her right arm. I could imagine how annoyed she would be trying to dress with the cast. I sent her flowers with no card. I wanted to call but did not know what to say. I called Nate and he told me in all the details without me having to ask. A photo taken today outside of her apartment building entering a limo was the last one of the day. She was wearing a beautiful green trench. Green the color she wore when I told her I loved her. The color she wore when I almost proposed. I zoomed in closer to her face and studied it. There was a cease between her brows and she was not smiling. My fingers ghosted over the photo. I saved it to a folder I had.
It was with a sigh that switched over to begin looking at our photos always selecting different ones depending on my mood. They were a collection of photos and videos I had of us. First, I had photos of Bart's funeral. It was a sad time for me but it was also the time that Blair lifted me up and carried me through. I looked back at the professional photos of that day. I was a lost boy falling into her arms and she was my world. I fled then to. Looking at her in her black dress and pearls, I stare at it as I sip my drink. The first day she said I love you to me and I walked away from her. Photos of our summer together. There were so many as if Blair and I wanted to document every moment. I selected a photo of our hands just holding each other that Blair took to tease me. It almost looked real. I could feel her hand in mine. My small delicate hand that was always warm to my cold ones. I closed my eyes as I began to feel again. Then the next photo of her smiling at me the smile she only shared with me after her first week at NYU. After she came home that day to lay with me the next morning I made sure she had her favorites for breakfast. I told her how amazing she was and she looked right at me through me. As if, she could see into the depths of my soul. Remembering her through these photos always made me feel closer to her but it was the videos that made me mad with sorrow that she was no longer in my life.
I wanted that sorrow today as I clicked on my favorite video. She was sleeping on our bed naked and the light from the sun was blasting into our windows. In fact, it was what woke me up so early after a wonderful night with her. The sheet on her hips as I walked to the side of the bed sitting next to her. My hand reaching out to touch her face and when my fingers brushed her lip, in the video, I felt my own fingers tingle at the same time. Her eyes began to open slowly.
"Chuck," she groaned obviously annoyed. My chuckle in the video and currently drifted over each other mingling at her flashing eyes when she saw the phone. Realizing I was recording she pulled the sheet up. "Are you trying to make a sex tape Bass?"
"Come on you would love it if I did," I told her. We were only dating four weeks at the time. Everything was so new and wonderful. She laughed outright.
"You are probably right," she told me. "But this isn't that."
"Oh really what is this," I told her playfully as I tugged on the sheet.
"This is me telling you I love you, Bass. We have been through hell to get here," she looked right at the camera now speaking to me. "But I am so happy we are here. I know that no matter where life takes us I will always love you. I loved you before I even knew I did or how or even when it began. But it has always been you there for me when I needed. You make me feel beautiful, loved, wanted, brilliant, funny, and so strong Chuck. You have the ability to break me into a thousand pieces. Regardless I needed us to try to make this work. I know it is going to be complicated and passionate but it will be worth. I don't know how to love any other way then being so intimate with you that your pain is mine and mine if yours," she spoke into my soul that day and now. Kissing her, I dropped my phone that was recording the event ending the video. Closing my eyes, I remembered the memory where the video ended. The feel of her skin, the taste of her lips…
A ringing snapped me out of my night. I grabbed my phone to see it was the front desk.
"Mr. Bass there is someone who is here to see you and they are refusing to leave until I called up." I had a very strict no guest policy and I wondered who came that was so stubborn. Wiping the tear from my eyes asked who they were. Who was interrupting my night with photos of Blair? This was the only time I could close my eyes and feel her love. The time when I could fool myself into believing that it was still real.
