Disclaimer: I do not own Human Target…of course, if I did, it would still be on the air!
Ilsa Pucci sat in the bar with beer in hand, trying to comprehend what had happened earlier in the day. If anybody had told her about the events that would unfold when she arrived at the office this morning, she would have called them crazy. The only thing on her mind as her chauffer had driven her to the office this morning was how she would approach the team knowing that she said 'goodbye' to each and every one of them…only to completely change her mind at the last minute. Of course, seeing Chance at the hanger doors made things more complicated. Above all else, she needed to figure out how she would handle her feelings towards him.
Ilsa contemplated these things on the elevator ride up to her office, replaying in her mind the various "reasons" she would tell her team for her aborted departure. However, her thoughts came to a grinding halt when the elevator doors opened and the team stood around with shock all over their faces.
She was taken aback by their distressed looks. "What's going on?"
Winston sighed. "We've got a problem."
"Yeah, we've got a huge problem," Ames added in a disbelieving tone.
Ilsa didn't understand. "Surely it can't be that bad, can it?"
Guerrero gravely nodded. "Trust me, boss, it's that bad."
At that moment, a woman in a grey power suit walked from the boardroom towards the group. Although she extended her hand to Ilsa, she looked very concerned. "Good morning, Mrs. Pucci. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Ilsa took her hand. "Good morning. Are you our client?" she asked.
"She's not a client," Chance replied, joining the group from the boardroom. By the way he looked, you would have thought that somebody just told him Carmine had died.
Isla was puzzled. "An adversary, then?"
"Worse," Chance answered. "The Executive Producer."
"Mrs. Pucci," the woman continued. "My name is Grace Gilroy. Unfortunately, I do not come with good news. I regret to inform you that the show has been cancelled."
Ilsa's heart skipped a few beats. "WHAT?"
And so, Ilsa found herself sitting in a bar that afternoon, surrounded by the rest of her team. Downing the last of her beer, she waved the waiter over for another one.
Chance was concerned about his partner's well being. "Careful, Ilsa. That's already your third this afternoon."
"Oh, bugger it," came the sharp reply. "I'm not driving! I've got a bloody driver to take me home!"
They sat in silence for a few seconds before Guerrero spoke. "I can't believe they cancelled the show. This just blows."
"That's the understatement of the day," Winston replied with a chuckle.
"This was my first legit job ever! What am I supposed to do now?" asked a distressed Ames. Thinking aloud, she then added, "Maybe I can get a guest shot on 'Lie To Me'."
Guerrero snorted as he turned to the young thief. "Don't hold your breath…"
He motioned towards the other end of the bar. Ames looked in the direction that the assassin pointed. Her face dropped when she saw a depressed looking Dr. Cal Lightman sitting at a table with a half-finished bottle of whiskey. He looked up and noticed Ames watching him. He weakly waved to the young woman, who sheepishly grinned and waved back.
"You mean…him too?"
"Yep."
Ames turned back towards the group feeling defeated further. "Great," she sarcastically mumbled as she downed her entire bottle of beer.
Chance shook his head. "I don't understand it. I mean…c'mon. The show had a loyal fan base…"
"Really cool stunts…" Guerrero added.
"Awesome weapons…" Winston quietly contributed to the list, thinking about the rocket launcher he got to fire.
"A lot of interesting people to protect…" Ames joked.
Ilsa then added, "Great chemistry between some of the main actors…"
Everybody stopped and stared at their boss. "Well, there was!" Turning back to Chance, she then coyly added, "Wasn't there, darling?"
Guerrero, Winston and Ames were amazed at Ilsa's playfulness towards Chance. They were even more surprised when Chance took her hand, raised it to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on it. He chuckled as he replied, "Yeah…there was."
"Uh, dude," Guerrero then interjected. "Hate to interrupt your private moment, but could you fill the rest of us in?"
"Well, to be honest, Ilsa and I have been secretly dating for a few months now."
"And you were going to let us know…when, exactly?" Winston asked, surprised his partner kept this news from him.
"Well, you weren't supposed to know until the middle of Season 4," Ilsa answered.
Ames was puzzled. "Why so long?"
Chance smiled. "Well, don't forget you've got to build the sexual tension throughout Season 3."
"Don't forget all the denials of our feelings by going out with all of the other people we'd 'date'," Ilsa added.
Now it was Chance's turn to be surprised. "Really? Like who?"
"Well, there's a retired Army General who was going to ask me out to the Opera in the third episode of the next season..."
"Wait a minute: you'd go out with some stuffy Army guy?" Chance asked incredulously.
She replied back with equal incredulity. "What about you? You were supposed to rescue some flight attendant in Episode 6 who would have been 'more than grateful' for your protection!"
"Well, that's true..." Chance replied, nodding to concede her point.
Ilsa became more irritated. "Would you really go behind my back and have some fling with some airline bimbo, Christopher Chance?"
"Of course not!" Chance answered defensively. "There's no way I'd do that."
"And I'm supposed to know this?"
"You would have found out in Episode 9 that I told her 'no thanks'."
Ilsa's face softened as she was surprised by his answer. "Really?"
He smiled as he kissed her hand again. "Absolutely."
Guerrero shook his head. "Dude, don't tell me you're going all soft on us now."
Ilsa smiled. "You don't know the half of it, Mr. Guerrero. Behind Mr. Chance's tough guy image is a quiet, cuddly kitten.
Chance tried to stop his girlfriend from saying too much. "I don't think they need to know all of the details…"
"Do you know he wept the first time we made love?"
"Oh, kill me now." Chance hid his now embarrassed face in his hands while Winston and Ames laughed and Guerrero smiled like a Cheshire cat.
Ames shook hers head. "I wonder what other revelations you've been hiding, 'kitten'."
"Oh, like I know that your real name isn't 'Ames'?" Chance replied quickly.
They all looked at the now horrified young woman. "How did you know?" she cried.
Chance smiled a sly smile. "I have my ways."
"What is your real name, then?" a curious Ilsa asked.
Ames sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "My real name is 'Amanda Melinda Evelyn Sommers'. When I decided to become a thief, I had to change my name, so that's what I came up with." She huffed as she saw the team staring at her. "C'mon guys: you would have found out at the end of Season 3!"
They continued staring at her, and she found the attention was becoming too much. She then angrily asked, "Are you happy now? Is there anything else about my 'oh-so-mysterious' past you'd like to reveal?"
"Yeah, like in Season 4, you'd find out that Guerrero here is your father?" Winston replied.
"WHAT?" Ames…er, Amanda Melinda Evelyn Sommers…shrieked in shock, turning towards the man she considered her mentor.
Guerrero grimaced realizing his secret was out. He shot Winston a displeased look. "Dude, I was trying to save that piece of info for a more heartfelt moment!"
A tear started to fall from Ames' eye. "Is it true?" she asked, not knowing if Winston's revelation was really true.
He didn't look at her but closed his eyes and slowly nodded. It was in that instant that Ames felt her heart leap. She never knew anything about her father as she was raised by a single mom. She couldn't believe that, right now, he was sitting right beside her. Her eyes filled with tears of joy threatening to stream down her face. A small smile crept across her face. She turned towards the man who had been a 'father-figure' to her ever since she joined the crew. She just wanted to have him hold her and tell her that he was proud of her. She stretched out her arms towards…
"Don't! Just…don't."
Guerrero's pointed order prompted the young woman to turn back and sit down in her seat.
Silence filled the air again as the waiter brought another round of drinks for the crew. After taking a drink from her new beverage, Ilsa sat up straight and resolute. "Well, even though it's all over now, I have to say it was a pleasure to meet you all."
She held out her beer bottle out. "Mr. Winston?"
Winston smiled as he lifted his beer bottle and clanked it against Ilsa's. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Pucci."
She then turned to the young thief. "It was a pleasure to meet you too, Ms. Ames."
Ames wiped her nose with her sleeve as she sniffed. She quickly clanked her bottle against Ilsa's, saying sadly, "Just so you know: I hate goodbyes."
She then turned to the one man she couldn't figure out. "Mr. Guerrero…"
He smiled and nodded, raising his bottle to hers. "Boss." He then turned to Chance and held his bottle to him. "Dude…"
Their bottle's met as Chance nodded. "It's been fun, Guerrero."
Chance then stood up, prompting everybody to follow suit. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I propose a toast to all of us. No matter what happens, wherever you go and whatever you do, here's to your success."
"Same to you, bro," Guerrero said with a sad smile.
And with that, they all held their bottles together for the last time.
A/N – So, yeah, I was bummed to find out that HT is not coming back. I know that I was pretty saddened to hear the news. That's when this little plot bunny showed up and I had to get it written down.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed. No offense was intended in the making of this parody. Reviews are most welcome.
