Typhoon Season

It was a beautiful day as the girls gathered outside Vietnam's house. They relaxed, sipping coconut juice on the shaded porch or lolling around on the grass. And they chatted about the little things. Without the men to look down on them, they had become rather... uninhibited about sharing their opinions.

As far as female nations go, few have ever managed to become superpowers. This is because men are power-hungry assholes who have pretty much raped and pillaged their way through history.

Not that some of the girls hadn't also done their own share of conquering... But still. It gave them something to bitch about when the boys weren't around. For the Asian girls, talking about who's hot and who's not is sometimes (okay, always) a lot easier than addressing some of the deeper issues of global gender equality, especially since conversations regarding the latter have a tendency to send most of them into a spiral of rage and tears over how badly their own people sometimes treat them.

So they talk about hunky Germany and his sausages, and how much pho it would take to get Italy in bed (if it would take any at all, or if just the mention of noodle-y goodness would be enough to fire up his engines), and why Sweden calls Finland his "wife" when it's Sweden who stays home making furniture and taking care of their kid while Finland polishes the rifles and takes mercenary work.

It's always just mindless small talk. Except when it isn't.

"Mongolia's kind of okay these days, but it could just be that he's still sulking over the loss of his empire," Vietnam said. "Hmm... I almost miss beating the crap out of him." She had a bored look on her face as she idly twirled the end of her ponytail. Being one of the oldest among them, it seemed she had outgrown talk about the hotness level of boys and turned more toward reminiscing about the pleasures of humiliating them.

"Er... Yeah... I never really talked to him, so I wouldn't know," Indonesia said. "But from my experience, China's a condescending douche, so I would understand Mongolia wanting to teach him a lesson. No offense, Taiwan, but sometimes your brother needs to be taken down a peg or two."

Taiwan brushed the comment aside. "None taken. Brother's such an idiot sometimes, but then..." She trailed off with a contemplative look in her eyes. "Well, sometimes Japan's even more of a condescending douche."

"Really? We hadn't noticed. I mean, it's not as if his obsession with harem anime stems from his twisted fantasies about us or anything. And it's not as if he kept trying to invade our vital regions," Malaysia said with a sneer. "Oh wait, he did."

Wow. Sarcasm was so mature, Taiwan thought. "I wasn't talking about that time; I meant now. The meek and polite act is just so he won't get slapped for saying what he's really thinking about us. Like you said, the harem fantasy part."

Sometimes Taiwan wondered why the Western nations all thought he was so nice. Was it because they couldn't read the atmosphere? Or was it just that he only let his creepy bastard side show when he was with the nations whom he insisted were not related to him at all because he was a special snowflake who magically rose out of the sea one day when a Shinto god spooged out some islands and peopled them. Of course he hadn't been Made in Korea. Of course. And his early sex education (in the form of myths about masturbating gods) had been perfectly sound, which was why he lived such a repressed life while keeping an entire kinky sex dungeon hidden under the floorboards under the tatami mat in the guest room that was never loaned out because it had been undergoing "remodeling" - or so he said - for the better half of the past century.

Of course.

Either way, railing against Japan was always good for group solidarity, Taiwan thought. Unless it was nearing typhoon season, which she had forgotten that it was until she was rudely awakened to this fact.

"Us? What, you two had a lover's spat and now you think you're one of us?"

"Am I not?" Taiwan frowned. "Stop being such a bitch, Malaysia. Or what, has this turned into some kind of ASEAN members only club? You're trying to kick me out because of your own raging inferiority complex, is that it?"

Okay, so sometimes the others were catty with her, and she was catty right back, and then they had epic bitchfights that made Vietnam facepalm a lot and punt them off her land. This was exacerbated by the fact that their cycles were in sync, which meant synchronized PMS and synchronized visits from Aunt Flo, which... by their being nations, was really Aunt Flood. (Damn you, Mother Nature!)

Truth be told, Philippines had been looking a little bloated recently. If it was the PMS rather than something she ate, then that would explain the others' current bitchiness.

Speaking of... Malaysia's knuckles cracked ominously. "Or maybe it's your own overblown ego talking. Not everyone wants to be like you, Chinagirl!"

"Oh, yeah, because racism is totally the best way to deal with your own failures!" Taiwan conveniently pretended not to remember what she'd thought about sarcasm and immaturity.

"Uh, um... Singapore's cute..." little Brunei said. Her fingers were furiously twiddling with the hem of her skirt and her eyes darted wildly as she tried to diffuse the situation.

Poor Brunei... Stuck between loyalty to her older sisters and her best friend Singapore, who happened to be on very good terms with China and his siblings. Poor Singapore, too, who was perhaps the one speck of racial and religious harmony on a continent full of resentment... For now, anyway.

At least everyone liked Singapore, so he was a safe topic. Taiwan heaved a sigh. "Yeah, I like Singapore. He's nice."

"Tch. You would," Malaysia grumbled. She might have also thrown in something about that sounded like "slut", at which Taiwan glared and gritted her teeth.

"I meant that I liked him in a brotherly way..."

At that, Indonesia coughed into her hand something that sounded like "brother-stealer", which had Taiwan turning to glare the other way.

Calm down. Calm. Cool as a cucumber, that's you, Taiwan. You will not use your amazing powers of bitch-fu on their faces... "Hey, he's visiting my place next week, if you guys wanna come over..."

Philippines whipped around, eyes narrowed in suspicion. "I swear, if you're planning on making me clean your house, I will hit you," she said.

Oh, that was it! That was the last straw! Shit, Philippines! What is up with your maid complex? Just because I hired you to clean my house a couple of times doesn't mean that's all I ever talk to you about!

"You've already hit me," Taiwan snapped back. "Multiple times, even! If you hit me again, I will hit you back so hard! I'll hit you with Jay Chou! And boy bands! You'll never get their songs out of your head! I'll... I'll convince Korea that you're in love with him and have him boy-band you to death!"

"Singapore's cute if you don't mind feeling like a cradle robber. Mmm... but Hong Kong's cuter." Vietnam had taken to lying down on the grass with her hat perched just so. It blocked the sun perfectly while allowing her to continue cloud-watching. She didn't even bother to rejoin her squabbling guests at the table. "Or, at least, he'd be more fun to conquer."

It also wasn't quite clear if she had said that last sentence, or if her guests had just hallucinated it. Either way, they pretended it had never happened.

"Pssh! With those eyebrows? I'd take Thailand over him any day," Indonesia said.

Malaysia jumped in on her sister's coattails with a smirk directed at Taiwan. "Yeah, he's all gross and covered in China-slobber."

"Hey! Leave Hong alone!" You're covered in China-slobber, she retorted in her mind. Or does 20% of the population mean nothing to you?

"Uh, um... America... is also nice... I like training with him..." Brunei's hands migrated from her skirt to the ends of her headscarf, and she clutched the tails of fabric as she wobbled, looking faint at the prospect of possible violence.

"Don't fall for America, 'Nei. He's hot, but troublesome. Clingy. Never stops occupying your house even after you've broken up with him."

"Says America's number one fangirl... What would you know? America would never date you!"

"I heard it from Japan, duh."

"Your boyfriend was screwing another guy and you just let him?"

"I told you, he's not my boyfriend." Secretly, though, she thought that even if he was, the 'screwing another guy' part would still be hot. And she would probably be okay with it, as long as he let her take pictures... "Ahem. If anything, I'm his fag hag, and I don't think they screwed. Just... dated for a while. America didn't have a strong enough stomach for the sex dungeon."

The other girls turned a little green. Brunei began shaking like a leaf.

"Ahhh~" Vietnam exhaled as she stared up at the sky. "I almost miss beating the crap out of him, too."


A/N: Malaysia's racism was a reference to Ketuanan Melayu, which is horrible public policy and makes me put on my frowny face. :'(