09.03.2006 7.23pm
Sender: B Swan ( .ignetmail)
Recipient: A Cullen ( .alphanet)
Topic: Please Answer
Did you know that he would lie to me?
I didn't. I know he was beyond me, most things are. He was everything, and in comparison I was… well, there is no comparison. I barely deserve to even be considered in that competition.
Still, I didn't expect the lies. Never would have thought him capable of that after we had shared in such impossible truths. It's for the best, I know. I never wanted to hinder him. Please know that, I didn't know what I was doing to him; how I was restricting him.
I would never have chased if I knew. Please know that.
I would have looked away from him. Beaten down my desire to puzzle him out. Sometimes I wish I had… with everything inside me. I'm split in two, my friend. One half knowing that being with him for even the smallest measure of time would always be worth it… The other shrivels and dies when I think of what I once had, and what I lost in the fallout.
You might even be proud. It took this to bring out my self-preservation. I remember him lamenting my apparent disregard for that instinct. But it was there, I know now. I feel it – some innate drive that stopped me from bowing down and never getting up again. Sometimes I wish I really was defective – in my darkest moments, I wish that I could sleep and never wake. But in the end, my body wants to live and its drags my mind and soul along with it.
It's what he wanted for me anyway. To live, to age… to die. I can do that, really it's a process I cannot escape. The plight of human kind. All of us born with some hidden expiry date.
God, I sound maudlin. I really shouldn't send this. It hurts to see another go unanswered. Then again, I don't really blame you for not responding to my previous words. Not my finest moments by far.
I really got off track. Rambling on like I always do. I asked a question… one that I'm pretty sure I don't want the answer to. But still, did you see his lie to me? Did you know, my friend?
It was a blasphemous lie from his lips.
Maybe one day my heart will relinquish its tether to him. Maybe I will even belong to another like he wanted for me. I don't not blame him for this. Edward was always a selfless creature.
But it is impossible for time to sieve his presence from my mind. All humans remember a fragment of their first love at the very least… how could I ever not remember mine. He will never be gone.
So he lied. Please tell me you didn't know, my friend. I do not think I could bare it. Too much.
All my love,
Your sister,
Bella
