So, you see, I was studying for finals over the weekend, right? More specifically, I was studying for my Latin final. So I was reading all this history and legends and stuff, and it was pretty tough to try to remember it all, and then as I was flipping through pages, I saw "In this sentence, Romano is masculine." Of course, this meant the Latin word for Roman, but that is irrelevant. From that point on, I related every cultural thing I read to Hetalia, and thus, this whatever-it-is cracky thing was created. Enjoy!

Germania- Amulius
Rome- Numitor
France- son #1
Russia- son #2
England- Rhea Silvia
America- Himself

Prussia- Mars
Japan- the therapist/himself
Romano- Romulus
Italy- Remus
Switzerland- Henchmen #1
Germany- Henchmen #2/Himself
Bush- Itself
Austria- She-wolf
Spain- King's Shepherd
Hungary- Shepherd's wife


Narrator: Once upon a time-

Germania: Really? We're going with that beginning?

Narrator: Fine. Once there-

Rome: I really think it would be best if you avoided 'once' all together.

Narrator: GAH! There was- you know what, screw this. My story, my beginning. Once upon a time-

Germania: *rolls eyes*

Narrator: -there was a sexy- I mean badass- I MEAN great Alban king named Numitor

Rome: Hey! That's me! *grins and winks*

Narrator: That's nice. Now anyway, this Numitor guy, he had a younger brother and three kids. Say hi kids!

England, France, and Russia: *wave and pretend that they weren't beating each other up a few seconds ago* Hello/Bonjour/Privet.

Narrator: But you see, Numitor's younger brother, Amulius-

Rome: Hey! That's you Germania!

Germania: *all teenage like* Cool story bro *sarcasm*

Rome: *is ashamed*

Narrator: *doesn't like being interrupted* NUMITOR'S BROTHER AMULIUS was the jealous type, so he kicked Numitor out of his palace and had him locked up.

Rome: *pouts* Aw, darn.

Narrator: And got rid of all the heirs

Germania: *whips out chainsaw and BAMF shades* Say die kids.

France and Russia: *die*

England: *to himself* Why didn't I die?

Germania: And now, my niece-

England: Bloody hell, I'm the girl?!

Germania: -you shall become a Vestal Virgin so that you can never have kids that will steal the throne from me.

America: Yo dude, do you need to get the talk again? Because Iggy's missing some of the key baby-makin' gear, like a v-

England: No breaking the fourth wall you idiot!

Narrator: Oh yeah, 'cause we haven't done that yet. *sarcasm* Anyway, one day Mars came along-

Prussia: I'm ze awesome god of war! Suck it losers!

Narrator: Then one thing led to another and Rhea Silvia (Iggy) ended up preggers anyway.

Germania, England, America, and Prussia: WHAT THE HELL?!

England: *is suddenly nine months pregnant* Bloody FUCK!

USUK shippers: *are horrified*

America: *is too* Iggy can get knocked up? Where does it come out?!

Narrator: And so, two things happened. One, America now had years of counseling to look forward to.

America: Is that why I look like him and France?!

Japan da therapist: *pats his back and wonders...*

Narrator: And two, Rhea Silvia gave birth to twins, Romulus-

Romano: Sup mothafuckas? *bites tomato*

Narrator: And Remus.

Italy: Ve~ Ciao everybody!

Narrator: Which Amulius, is like, totes not okay with.

Germania: Ah, that bitch! Didn't even name one after me, her favorite uncle! Henchmen, go kill them!

Switzy and Germany: *are surprisingly okay with this*

Narrator: And so the twins were put into a basket and dropped in the river to drown.

Romano: *spits out tomato* Wait, WHAT?!

Italy: Ve~ don't kill me! I'm a virgin, you don't want to kill a virgin, we're already pitiful enough!

Switzy and Germany: *think for a moment, then throw them in anyway*

Romano: *grumbles* Damn potato bastards.

Narrator: But luckily, a she-wolf heard the infants' desperate pleading and/or cursing, rescued them from the water, and nursed them. *looks expectantly at a bush*

Bush: *does nothing, because bushes are inanimate objects and therefore can't do anything*

Narrator: *whispers angrily* Austria! That's your cue!

Austria: *appears, grumbling and fashionably wearing dog ears on his head with a tail pinned to his butt* All right, all right, I'm coming! Did you really have to make me the she-wolf?

England: Count your blessings. I had to give birth to them.

Austria: Ja, but I have to nurse them.

America: *drops his "good patient" sucker*

Narrator: And so America, who was just returning from a rather successful first therapy session with Japan, was further scarred.

~Magical Time Skip~

Narrator: Not too long after they were pulled from the river, Amulius' shepherd found the boys with the she-wolf.

Spain: Dios mio, they're so cute! *runs up and starts hugging them in a totally non-pedophilic way*

Austria: TAKE THEM! I BEG YOU!

Narrator: And so he did.

Spain: Wow! I can't believe he just like gave me these babies! You know, I used to think that the she-wolf was a real puta (heheh, get it? It's a pun) but he's actually a pretty nice guy!

Romano: *clinging to shepherd's back for dear life as he sprints home* Would you stop bouncing so much, bastard?!

Italy: *also clinging for dear life* Ve~ That would be nice.

Narrator: Somehow all three made it to the shepherd's house alive and there, he and his wife raised them.

Hungary da wife: This is the last time I'll be mentioned! *cheerful*

Spain: Si! Me too! *high fives*

Narrator: Eventually, Romulus and Remus grew up and learned their true heritage.

Romano: All right bitches, line up and worship your sexy god!

Italy: I'm a god huh? No wonder I'm so sexy!

Everyone: *is shocked at his word choice*

The Silence: *is awkward*

Narrator: *clears throat* And once this discovery was made, the twins freed their grandfather and their mother from their imprisonment (did I mention Amulius locked her up too?) and killed Amulius.

Romano: Die bitch!

Germania: *does so*

Narrator: After their grandfather was reinstated as the king of Alba Longa, Romulus and Remus decided to build a city on the Tiber River where they'd almost been drowned. There were some complications though, such as arguments over who should rule.

Italy: You'll be our king, won't you? You can be our strong big brother. You'll give us commands and we'll disappoint you!

Romano: LOL nope.

Narrator: In the end, it was Remus' stupidity and Romulus' short temper that solved that.

Germany: *appears outside of city*

Italy: Germany! Germany! Wanna see my new city Germany?!

Romano: Hey! Don't bring that potato bastard in here! He was drowning us about fifty lines ago!

Italy: *slow-mo leaps over partially built walls*

Romano: *slow-mo gasps* M-My wall. *pulls out AK-47*

Narrator: Wait, wut?

Romano: Bitches gonna die.

~Censored for violence~

Narrator: And that's why it's called Rome and not Reme.

England: What does that have to do with anything?!

Fin.


Well, if this helped you learn history in any way, shape, or form, that's awesome. If it just made you chuckle a bit, that's cool too. Please review and let me know what you think! Also, let me know if I should make more like this! Tootles!