So, you see, I was studying for finals over the weekend, right? More specifically, I was studying for my Latin final. So I was reading all this history and legends and stuff, and it was pretty tough to try to remember it all, and then as I was flipping through pages, I saw "In this sentence, Romano is masculine." Of course, this meant the Latin word for Roman, but that is irrelevant. From that point on, I related every cultural thing I read to Hetalia, and thus, this whatever-it-is cracky thing was created. Enjoy!
Germania- Amulius
Rome- Numitor
France- son #1
Russia- son #2
England- Rhea Silvia
America- Himself
Prussia- Mars
Japan- the therapist/himself
Romano- Romulus
Italy- Remus
Switzerland- Henchmen #1
Germany- Henchmen #2/Himself
Bush- Itself
Austria- She-wolf
Spain- King's Shepherd
Hungary- Shepherd's wife
Narrator: Once upon a time-
Germania: Really? We're going with that beginning?
Narrator: Fine. Once there-
Rome: I really think it would be best if you avoided 'once' all together.
Narrator: GAH! There was- you know what, screw this. My story, my beginning. Once upon a time-
Germania: *rolls eyes*
Narrator: -there was a sexy- I mean badass- I MEAN great Alban king named Numitor
Rome: Hey! That's me! *grins and winks*
Narrator: That's nice. Now anyway, this Numitor guy, he had a younger brother and three kids. Say hi kids!
England, France, and Russia: *wave and pretend that they weren't beating each other up a few seconds ago* Hello/Bonjour/Privet.
Narrator: But you see, Numitor's younger brother, Amulius-
Rome: Hey! That's you Germania!
Germania: *all teenage like* Cool story bro *sarcasm*
Rome: *is ashamed*
Narrator: *doesn't like being interrupted* NUMITOR'S BROTHER AMULIUS was the jealous type, so he kicked Numitor out of his palace and had him locked up.
Rome: *pouts* Aw, darn.
Narrator: And got rid of all the heirs
Germania: *whips out chainsaw and BAMF shades* Say die kids.
France and Russia: *die*
England: *to himself* Why didn't I die?
Germania: And now, my niece-
England: Bloody hell, I'm the girl?!
Germania: -you shall become a Vestal Virgin so that you can never have kids that will steal the throne from me.
America: Yo dude, do you need to get the talk again? Because Iggy's missing some of the key baby-makin' gear, like a v-
England: No breaking the fourth wall you idiot!
Narrator: Oh yeah, 'cause we haven't done that yet. *sarcasm* Anyway, one day Mars came along-
Prussia: I'm ze awesome god of war! Suck it losers!
Narrator: Then one thing led to another and Rhea Silvia (Iggy) ended up preggers anyway.
Germania, England, America, and Prussia: WHAT THE HELL?!
England: *is suddenly nine months pregnant* Bloody FUCK!
USUK shippers: *are horrified*
America: *is too* Iggy can get knocked up? Where does it come out?!
Narrator: And so, two things happened. One, America now had years of counseling to look forward to.
America: Is that why I look like him and France?!
Japan da therapist: *pats his back and wonders...*
Narrator: And two, Rhea Silvia gave birth to twins, Romulus-
Romano: Sup mothafuckas? *bites tomato*
Narrator: And Remus.
Italy: Ve~ Ciao everybody!
Narrator: Which Amulius, is like, totes not okay with.
Germania: Ah, that bitch! Didn't even name one after me, her favorite uncle! Henchmen, go kill them!
Switzy and Germany: *are surprisingly okay with this*
Narrator: And so the twins were put into a basket and dropped in the river to drown.
Romano: *spits out tomato* Wait, WHAT?!
Italy: Ve~ don't kill me! I'm a virgin, you don't want to kill a virgin, we're already pitiful enough!
Switzy and Germany: *think for a moment, then throw them in anyway*
Romano: *grumbles* Damn potato bastards.
Narrator: But luckily, a she-wolf heard the infants' desperate pleading and/or cursing, rescued them from the water, and nursed them. *looks expectantly at a bush*
Bush: *does nothing, because bushes are inanimate objects and therefore can't do anything*
Narrator: *whispers angrily* Austria! That's your cue!
Austria: *appears, grumbling and fashionably wearing dog ears on his head with a tail pinned to his butt* All right, all right, I'm coming! Did you really have to make me the she-wolf?
England: Count your blessings. I had to give birth to them.
Austria: Ja, but I have to nurse them.
America: *drops his "good patient" sucker*
Narrator: And so America, who was just returning from a rather successful first therapy session with Japan, was further scarred.
~Magical Time Skip~
Narrator: Not too long after they were pulled from the river, Amulius' shepherd found the boys with the she-wolf.
Spain: Dios mio, they're so cute! *runs up and starts hugging them in a totally non-pedophilic way*
Austria: TAKE THEM! I BEG YOU!
Narrator: And so he did.
Spain: Wow! I can't believe he just like gave me these babies! You know, I used to think that the she-wolf was a real puta (heheh, get it? It's a pun) but he's actually a pretty nice guy!
Romano: *clinging to shepherd's back for dear life as he sprints home* Would you stop bouncing so much, bastard?!
Italy: *also clinging for dear life* Ve~ That would be nice.
Narrator: Somehow all three made it to the shepherd's house alive and there, he and his wife raised them.
Hungary da wife: This is the last time I'll be mentioned! *cheerful*
Spain: Si! Me too! *high fives*
Narrator: Eventually, Romulus and Remus grew up and learned their true heritage.
Romano: All right bitches, line up and worship your sexy god!
Italy: I'm a god huh? No wonder I'm so sexy!
Everyone: *is shocked at his word choice*
The Silence: *is awkward*
Narrator: *clears throat* And once this discovery was made, the twins freed their grandfather and their mother from their imprisonment (did I mention Amulius locked her up too?) and killed Amulius.
Romano: Die bitch!
Germania: *does so*
Narrator: After their grandfather was reinstated as the king of Alba Longa, Romulus and Remus decided to build a city on the Tiber River where they'd almost been drowned. There were some complications though, such as arguments over who should rule.
Italy: You'll be our king, won't you? You can be our strong big brother. You'll give us commands and we'll disappoint you!
Romano: LOL nope.
Narrator: In the end, it was Remus' stupidity and Romulus' short temper that solved that.
Germany: *appears outside of city*
Italy: Germany! Germany! Wanna see my new city Germany?!
Romano: Hey! Don't bring that potato bastard in here! He was drowning us about fifty lines ago!
Italy: *slow-mo leaps over partially built walls*
Romano: *slow-mo gasps* M-My wall. *pulls out AK-47*
Narrator: Wait, wut?
Romano: Bitches gonna die.
~Censored for violence~
Narrator: And that's why it's called Rome and not Reme.
England: What does that have to do with anything?!
Fin.
Well, if this helped you learn history in any way, shape, or form, that's awesome. If it just made you chuckle a bit, that's cool too. Please review and let me know what you think! Also, let me know if I should make more like this! Tootles!
