Dear Sirius,

I'm not sure what I'm writing this for.

Especially when you're in a place where you can't hear me sob, where I can no longer smell you, touch you. Especially when I don't know what to say.

Words like 'I miss you' seem so meaningless, when I think of how empty I am without you.

Saying things like 'I'm fine' seems like such a lie, especially when you've gone, and left me to wither away here.

Even saying 'I love you' seems fake. I want to hate you for what you've done. I know that isn't possible, but you said it wasn't possible for us to be torn apart. It still happened.

You left me. After all those promises that you made. You still left me.

I'm stuck. Stuck, Sirius.

Who do you suppose is going to look after Harry, now? Who's going to mind Headquarters? Who's going to tramp up and down that godforsaken place, letting their every emotion show in each footstep?

I feel almost sick for admitting my own worries, but who's going to be my best friend, now? Who's going to tell me not to worry? Who's going to touch me in places that no one else ever wanted to, even if I'd let them near me?

My stomach hurts when I think about these things, and I have to catch myself before I call out to you to kiss it better. Sometimes I say the words out loud, quietly, and they scratch against my throat and make my eyes burn.

Some days I wake up and for a second there's someone holding my hand.

Some days when I walk listlessly from room to room, I swear I see a great black dog bounding after me.

Sometimes, when I'm in the shower, trying to wash away the memories, I think I can hear the door click and get ready to see your excited expression through the steam.

But each and every time, I jerk back to reality, painfully. Your hand is my quilt, the dog is my own shadow, and the shower door remains firmly shut.

So, Sirius, I thought you should know you were my world. And now my world is gone, leaving an empty shell of a man.

Perhaps, if I'm lucky, I'll see you soon.

And though it means little, I love you. I fucking love you.

Moony.