A/N: This story is inspired by many things, which involve the way I see these characters and fiction of my own head – the story is mine, but of course I don't own Glee. It's my first fanfiction ever, while I do read it as often as one can – my favorites list is a proof of that. Also, English is not my primary language, so any mistakes (and there will be many) are mine and I appreciate feedback on that, as well as on the story/character development itself. Since my opinion is that everything in life should have a soundtrack, I highly recommend for this chapter the album There's No Leaving Now, by The Tallest Man On Earth. Both chapters should have an album specifically, because that's how controlling and in need of recommending new music I am.
CHAPTER ONE.
Quinn always knew what she didn't want. She didn't want to live by someone else's expectations of what she would accomplish and how. She didn't want to talk trivial things with people when she doesn't have the slightest interest in their lives.
The thing about Quinn Fabray is that when she finally founds what she wants, she's fucking hopeless about it. First, there's denial – something she's so used to from family gatherings to relationships others interpret as friendship.
Denial is the common ground: in a sense, you could say it's like home. Like when you arrive and your father is having his first drink, but the bottle that was full yesterday is now empty.
After that, there's hate. Which usually involves a specific target, but could be only a passer by. This step is also connected to the root of the problem – because no hate comes from something that isn't actually inside yourself. Like when your mother says you're not pretty enough based only by looking herself in the mirror.
And lastly, the feeling that always gets her, there's regret – something that has the power of making you sink so low or finally step up and stop what seemed to be an endless cycle. Like every time she calls the girl she thinks is gorgeous by horrible names – and then immediately regrets it because she can never change it or take it back.
Quinn doesn't remember when she started sleeping with Rachel. It could be a week or a month ago, it didn't matter. Mostly because she's damn sure she's doing it because of her pride.
Who wouldn't enjoy having someone when and where you want them? And most important: how you want to have them? Rachel Berry is right now taking a shower in Quinn's bathroom while the blonde is thinking about all these things.
She finally realizes that while she needs all the control during sex, she's the submissive when anything related to her relationship (whatever that was) with Rachel.
The pain she had inside her each time they were together was something that drained her energy. It was mind blowing sex, but what bothered Quinn was trying to figure out how someone so irritating could also make her feel so good and comprehend exactly what her body needed.
It was also a fucking question mark in her brain waiting to be solved.
In a sense, Quinn Fabray thought she didn't deserve to be happy, nor loved – whatever that means. It wasn't because she wasn't a good person or because Rachel deserved better or because she felt guilty about being gay in a Christian family (going to hell and all that).
Basically, it was about not believing in happiness or love altogether – at least not as something she could or would eventually achieve. It was a risk: opening up, giving in, only to be left abandoned somewhere down the road. It was inevitable.
People screw up and lose each other, they raise their expectations, they want compromise. None of that seemed something like she wanted to go through voluntarily – Quinn also didn't even want to consider not being strong enough to get over someone else. Because she knows she isn't.
There it is. The real Quinn Fabray: a coward. Not wanting to try anything because of the paralyzing fear that is failing. There's the process of getting your hopes up, of thinking you almost had something, only to be left with nothing but disappointment.
It happened before and she was fucking sure it would happen again. She couldn't stop, but she had the control to choose what subjects she didn't care that much if she failed.
That's how she got her reputation. She liked dancing when she was a kid, so instead of going to classes and getting better, she tried cheerleading because of how unimportant and irrelevant it was.
Quinn Fabray succeeds at dedicating her time to activities that she isn't passionate about. And that's what she also tells herself about Rachel. If there's no attention to the subject, there's no attachment. Except Rachel is someone she wants, hence the hopeless situation.
When the brunette gets out of the bathroom, the silence agreement comes to life. They talked about how after having sex, Quinn had the tendency of verbally abuse Rachel.
Even Rachel was proud enough not to want that from the same person that was making her cum just minutes ago. Being verbally abused during sex? Fine with her.
You could even not cuddle after it, but you don't just tell her to go fuck herself after a sex marathon. Quinn did try, but she had failed. It ended up backfiring since Rachel withheld from putting out for a few days.
So here was Quinn Fabray watching Rachel Berry put her clothes on at four in the morning. The brunette was about to put her pants when Quinn pulled her back.
"Quinn. Don't. I really have to go and there's nothing left for me here".
"What if I give you a reason to stay?"
"Nothing you say or do will have that impact on me Quinn and you know it. It's just sex and we both agreed to that."
"I remember you not agreeing to that", Quinn snaps, basically asking for Rachel to admit it.
"Yeah. I was a hopeless pathetic back then, but right now I'm just addicted to meaning nothing to you", Rachel says with a crack in her voice.
"I said I was going to be worth your time and I'm not backing down now, Berry. So just lay down and let me make you feel good".
So she just does. Trying to remind what the hell changed from back then to right now.
~ . a week or a month ago, it doesn't matter.
Quinn knew she didn't care about Finn, Puck, Sam or any boy that might pursue her. Besides her appearance, which she constantly reminded herself it wasn't even the real her, she didn't think they had an interest in her.
Finn never asked how she was feeling: it was an endless and pointless assumption that everything was fine.
Puck could never maintain a conversation: and it's not like he could kiss either.
Sam was sweet but treated her like a friend: going to the church; babysitting; it got worse when people started asking if they were brothers.
Then there was Rachel. At first, she really was annoyed about the girl, but she didn't know why. After a while it was clear that it was the repressed attraction, but there was also parts of Rachel's personality that she never saw before on anyone else.
Quinn wanted Rachel to cry from all the slushies, the name calling, the boyfriend stealing, all the crap she pulled off. Instead, the brunette had a way of transforming these things into something to keep going.
Rachel was walking towards the bathroom when Quinn decided to act on her feelings. The blonde was shivering, thinking of a way to get what she wanted without really telling the brunette.
She thought of the most pathetic excuse ever and the pain and humiliation that would cause Rachel.
Quinn entered the bathroom right after Rachel and closed the door. The diva was scared of what the cheerleader would to her: what was her vengeance now? No slushies on her hand, surely she wouldn't put her head down the toilets, would she?
"Berry. I want to do something to you, but you must shut the hell up. Also, don't even think about telling this to anyone, because they wouldn't believe anyway", Quinn says very carefully.
The truth is Quinn's nervous as fuck. Rachel senses it, but doesn't say anything because she knows better. The brunette is also curious of what Quinn might do to her.
Quinn slowly approaches Rachel. No longer confused, no longer hesitant. The slow movements are there for a reason and Rachel knows it: it's all about the teasing.
Rachel has always known she's bisexual, so it was no surprise that she was attracted to the blonde – I mean, hello abs.
But to see Quinn physically flirting (is that a thing?) with her, enjoying her time, trying to seduce Rachel so that there's no way for her to deny the cheerleader – Rachel was just feeling the best feeling in the world, which is being wanted by someone you also desire.
Quinn, for the first time, actually looks at Rachel. Eye to eye, she grabs the brunette's hands, slowly intertwining their fingers.
Quinn doesn't remove her eyes from Rachel, while her body starts pressing against the diva. Rachel lets out a small moan and Quinn grins. It's like she knows what she's doing, except she doesn't.
They are both inexperienced here. But Quinn's the one in control, shockingly, since she never admitted having sexual desire whatsoever, especially towards girls and certainly not towards Rachel.
A new Quinn appears, the one that understands Rachel's body so much she is the only one that can make her orgasm. Of course, they both don't know it yet.
While Rachel thinks this is a declaration of some kind – love, passion, lust, whatever –, in the back of Quinn's mind there's something else entirely different going on: it's a fucking mystery how can I be the right person for her, out of all the people in the world.
So of course she runs as fast as she can when she can.
Quinn takes Rachel's hands and holds above her head with one hand. She stills them there, right above the bathroom mirror.
Then she starts assaulting Rachel's body like she wanted for a long time now, every time she was touching herself at night. She did all that for Rachel.
It was pleasurable to her, no doubt about it, but she wanted to practice before touching Rachel for the first time. While their first wasn't romantic, she damn well would please the brunette.
Quinn was leaving small kisses on Rachel's neck, torturing the small girl, while she tried some release – she was panting, arching her body closer to Quinn, but to no success.
Quinn used her legs to spread Rachel's, so that she couldn't even squeeze them for pleasure. Rachel was at Quinn's mercy: hands pinned, legs apart and with Quinn's thighs moving up just enough to give her a jolt of energy, but it wasn't how and where she needed.
The blonde grabs Rachel's earlobe between her teeth and says almost as a whisper: "I'm going to use both of my hands now, but if you move your arms down, you'll wait hours before I make you cum".
No need for that, Rachel thinks. She's already on the edge, anything would make her break. But since she doesn't want to make Quinn mad, she doesn't even consider not obeying.
The cheerleader releases and waits a second, arching an eyebrow as to say: "are you ready for me?".
Rachel doesn't move. Quinn gives a small smile as to approve. Rachel is now aware of something that pleasures the blonde, even if it's a small thing – she keeps taking mental notes, because she will use them at some point.
Quinn takes Rachel's shirt and bra off and brings her to seat on the bathroom counter. "Hold your hands on the counter, use them to steady yourself. Don't touch me or you will be punished", Quinn says dryly.
The only thoughts on Rachel's mind are: how will I be punished and at how fast can I start breaking the rules here.
Quinn spreads the brunette's legs and without removing her skirt or panties starts pressing her fingers against Rachel, in a slow, torturing pace.
While she does that, her other hand is tugging at her hair and exposing her neck further – Quinn's sucking her pulse point and is fucking glorious.
The blonde will leave a mark, but they both don't care. It's all about feeling Quinn everywhere and right now she couldn't give a fuck.
Quinn is massaging her clit, now moving her hand from her hair to her breasts. Rachel knows how sensible they are – she's feeling the cold air around them after all. They are already hard.
Quinn pinches the left nipple and starts sucking on the right one – Rachel almost cums right there. She's losing her mind with want, her breathing erratic, her heart beating as fast as the throbbing pain on her clit.
Quinn's still moving slowly and she's ready to pull some blonde hair and scream: just fuck me.
And then it's like Quinn's reading her mind: "what do you want", she says with the same composure as if she was working at McDonald's.
Rachel doesn't even know what the blonde means by that: "what do you mean? It's not like I have been given a choice here, Quinn", she snaps – she wants some release, that's what she wants.
Then suddenly the blonde stops. She looks at her with the most hungry look Rachel's ever seen – the brunette doesn't know if she's mad or horny or doubtful, she's hard to read.
"I mean: do you want me to finger fuck you, eat you out, suck you senseless, go slow, lick your assho…"
"Jesus, Quinn".
"I like doing what I want during foreplay, but the main action is your choice. And don't say things like that to me. It's fucking consensual and you know it".
"I know. I was just surprised by your acts and all your knowledge about the whole subject. How did you learn all that?", Rachel asks still wide eyed.
"I've never been with a girl, but I always knew that's what turned me on. So I researched a lot about it. Which means I'm an expert, in theory. I needed someone to practice with".
"So that's what I am: practice. A fuck toy?".
"I'd say fuck buddy. You're the one that said we are kind of friends", Quinn says with a matter of fact tone.
"Okay", Rachel finally says, almost as a sigh.
"Okay?"
"I want you to fuck me hard. Show me how you don't care about this. If you make me cum fast, I'll consider doing this another time, obviously at another place".
Rachel doesn't remove her eyes from Quinn and tries to see a surprised expression – she doesn't. Again she says to herself: Quinn's hard to read. "And please remove your shirt and bra if you want to continue with our activities".
"Good. This should be easy and quick. You don't have any self control".
"What are you talking about? You're the one ravishing me in the bathroom"
Quinn gets closer to Rachel's ear and says: "I already felt how wet you are for me…" – Rachel gasps – "… and I'm not wearing a bra" – Rachel moans and Quinn removes her shirt.
"Right now, you can see, but you can't touch. So get a good look for your fantasies later. In five minutes you'll be shutting your eyes and screaming my name", Quinn says without hesitation.
And just like that, Quinn starts biting Rachel's nipples while inserting one finger inside. It's torture, but it's so good.
With her other hand, Quinn keeps playing with Rachel's clit, in slow circular moves. Rachel's deep muscles are adjusting to the feeling, moving to meet each thrust done by Quinn.
This is what compatibility whishes to be. It's perfect, like all that tension finally meets its peace. People should write novels about how Quinn's fingers are the one and only match to Rachel's pussy.
Quinn adds another finger without asking, going so deep that Rachel loses all her coherent thoughts. She climaxes and starts falling off the counter, her legs numb.
Rachel thinks this as the pinpoint of her life – there's no leaving now. She needs Quinn in her life, fuck toy or not. And she actually thinks that she can fix Quinn.
Quinn holds Rachel for a few minutes. She then lets go of the brunette's body. Quinn's façade is back on. She looks down at Rachel and says: "I need some time alone. To think. I'll contact you for another try at this".
"You need to be sure if this is good enough? I mean, what else can you possibly want besides me here waiting for you?", Rachel answers.
"I need to think if you'll be able to go through this arrangement or not. I can't do that right now or even today"
"I think I can decide that for myself, Quinn". – Rachel was pissed off. She was accepting anything the blonde was offering just so that she could be closer, but Quinn still had doubts.
"I mean it. I'm all fucked up and I don't want to drag anyone like you into a black hole. There are two things I'm considering here. One: if you can do no strings attached, because that's the way I am and cannot and will not change that. Two: if you'd be willing to try push the limits on the sex. So I'll contact you later when I'm ready".
"Well, it's not like I have a fucking say in this, but if you'd like to consider my opinion, I'm agreeing on both", Rachel answers with her voice a little loud.
"Since I'm the one fucking you, I'll decide if I also want to fuck you up, Rachel. Goodbye".
Thank you for reading. While you wait for the second/final chapter, try listening to Put Your Back N 2 It, by Perfume Genius. I'd also like to give special thanks to carrot-fries, her notes were incredible and helped me a lot.
