I've grown use to his useless and often idiot chatter. I loathe him. But I tolerate him. Half for my sister. He cares for her. Or so it appears. The other half. I will never admit to. But I need to leave my thoughts. We are on a mission. It will not do well to be distracted at a time like this. But it seems the oaf affects me. I hate him all the more.
"Hey shorty. Earth to shorty." His hand waves in front of my face forcing my eyes to focus. He is so idiotic. His grin is wide. He's excited. Due to this mission to the ice realm. To where my sister resides. He eagerly pushed his way into the gang as he often does on missions. As the only true human, he has somehow proved himself. Maybe that's why I've found some level of respect for him. But I still detest him.
"So like how does the cold affect you? Aren't you some kind of fire demon." I don't respond. It's best not to encourage him. "Does it affect your hearing?" He snorts. It's not funny. He is wearing thick clothes to keep warm. I still wear my normal attire. The fox and detective are chatting ahead of us. I don't wholely understand why koenma would want all of us for this minor mission. To go to the ice realm and gather the frozen flower. I remember it's properties to be useful in medicines, but all of us. Just for a flower.
"It doesn't harm me." He continues to chatter.
"But. You're a fire demon." I'm too tired to argue.
"Only half." He falters briefly. I close my eyes and go ahead of the group of three. I need the distance between me and them. But I stay in range to feel their energy. The ice realm can be harsh. I know that well. I'm half fire demon. But also half ice. It isn't a healthy combination. And the ice half, well.. I've always tried to tune that part out of me. The part that makes me an imiko. I can still hear the group below me.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"No kuwabara. I'm sure he just wanted to scope ahead." That fox always covers for me. I don't know why. Just tell him the truth. His idiocy makes my stomach churn like it's filled with a slimy substance. Anything he does gives me that vile feeling. I loathe him. And I loathe the ever present feeling.
The detective chatters with the fox. And the oaf is walking at the back. Alone. I feel no sympathy. I of all people understand the pain of solitude. Pain. Relief. Same thing.
'Hiei. We should break for the night. Our bodies are human and cannot go at the pace you can especially with the temperature dropping.' Kurama's voice. I don't answer. But I do stop and allow them to break. I can sense that even with all of their thick clothing they are still freezing. And compaired to how low the temperature will drop, right now it's like a desert.
They are preparing food. I don't need nourishment. And I prefer to stay in this tree safe from harm of judging eyes. That's all anyone is. Even those people down there around that fire. All the same. I know myself to be no saint. But even my sins are less than those we've encountered. But in reality. Were this not my punishment, my sentence I know myself to not be in this situation. Helping people that I cannot trust. Even though they did aid in saving my sister. My sister.
Yukina. Everytime this odd group and she come in contact, it puts my nerves on edge. It's only a matter of time before one of them has a slip of the tounge. And them I'll have an accident with my sword. I can see it now. It was not my intention to slice (Enter name) up into 87 pieces. It was an accident. Complete accident. At least the oaf doesn't know. But he -though I loath to admit it- is not a complete idiot. He will realize one day.
"Hiei. I know you're there. You should come down and eat something." It's the same oaf. He does this a lot. Tries to include me. I don't want to be included. That'll just make it harder. For when my sentence is up and then none of them has to deal with me. They will not be stuck with me any more. And I'll go back to what I did before I became cought up in the ordeal. Just as soon as I remember what that is. "Seriously. Are you sure the cold doesn't affect your hearing."
'Kurama, tell that idiot to silence himself unless he wants every demon in this frozen realm to devore his flesh.'
"Hiei would like me to pass on the message that it would be safer for all of us to keep our voices to a norm."
"Why doesn't he tell us that. In fact, why is he always hiding and avoiding us. Does he think he's better than us or something. We want to be your friends but you make it so difficult." I didn't respond. And he stopped talking after that and just ate until the sun was completely set. Kurama and Yusuke talked to each other then climed into the same sleeping back to sleep. They have been a couple for a long time now. I never understood that. But they keep each other warm. Kuwabara is curled into himself in a half sleep. He's shivering. Cold. Alone. Even next to the fire, his body temperature is still lower than it should be. This is another reason I loath him. My body of it's own accord moves next to him.
Even being a couple feet away from him, my body heat raises his. He's still shivering so I move a couple inches closer. As long as he doesn't wake up this is okay. As long as no one wakes up. This is okay. As long as no one can see this moment of weakness… It'll be okay. Another moment of weakness causes me to place my hand on his shoulder. I feel his body rising and falling with content breathing. His body temperature is where it needs to be so I pull away. Best to retreat now while I'm ahead. But I can't move. His hand found a way to grasp my shit. And I know if I try to move away he'll wake up. And I can't let him wake up. So I just stay.
This is the closest I've ever been to anyone. That didn't involve trying to kill them I mean. I hate it. This feeling of fuzziness in my stomach. Just him touching me increases this feeling. I must detest him more than I thought. His head presses into my side. Probably trying to obtain more warmth. Every so often he inches closer. And that feeling gets worse. More present. Around the time the fire began to die he finally let go. I added more wood to the fire and retreated back to my safe spot again. In another couple hours it'll be morning. That time goes by fast. The fox is the first to wake. He leaves his lovers side and walks to the base of the tree that I reside in.
"Am I wrong in assuming it was your presence I sensed near the campfire."
"Hn." There is no way to respond to that.
"He means well. But he thinks you hate him."
"Hn."
"I know you don't. But I think deep down you think you hate him." He laughs. "They'll be waking soon."
"Botan said Yukina has gathered the flowers. It's just a half day treck till we get there. I know we have discussed this in the past, but have you chosen rather you should tell Yukina or not."
"Even I am not so much a monster to tell her."
"She would love you. Despite everything." I watch as Kuwabara stirs.
"You need to tell her you're her brother. Yukina deserves to know. And it'll be good for you. I know it's not the demon way. But take it from me." He looks to the detective. "Letting people into your heart is worth the fear of having to trust them." The oaf can't hear us. But he gets up and kicks his friend. Waking the detective.
"Let's go Urameshi." His raspy voice makes that feeling come back. That stupid feeling. Before the sun gets to much higher in the sky we head out. I walk at the back of the group. The couple together at the front. And the oaf in the middle. Alone. I speed up my pace. Not enough to be completely beside him. But instead I opt for slightly behind.
"It's weird seeing them together." His voice is raspy. As always. "It never occurred to me that two guys could be together." Those words cause an ache that I'm not familiar with. "But I guess when two people love each other it shouldn't matter the gender right?"
"Love doesn't exist." I meant to only think this. But the words came out. And the ache intensified.
"Sure it does." He's not looking at me. And I'm thankful of that. "My sister loves me. I know my parents loved me when they were alive. Kurama and Urameshi clearly love each other. Love is everywhere."
"And you love Yukina right?" I've known this for a while. But the idea of them together causes that feeling of sickness to increase.
"I don't love her. She's a wonderful person. But she isn't the one for me. Besides. I found out about a year ago what my type is." His smile softens to a more somber one.
"I think we're here." It's the fox. It's Yukina's home alright. It's a small cottage type. Like out of those fairy tales humans seem so fond of. When she was searching for me she came across a few of those books with pictures in them. She thought they were cute. So she had one built. I heard from Botan that she refused to return back to her village without her brother. A brother that she doesn't need to know of.
Everyone was escorted in and I stiffened immediately.
"It's nice to see you all again. And now that all of you are here I… We have some news." She isn't alone. I remember this guy next to my sister. Toya. That ice guy. Next to her. As if he has the right to be near her.
"I asked her to be my mate some time ago. And now she is expecting." His voice pisses me off. Everything about him pisses me off.
"We're very happy." He carefully kisses her cheek and then everything went blurry. I lost all control of my actions. I felt fists connecting with flesh.
"Mine" My voice scares me. It doesn't sound like me. The jagan opens of it's own accord. And I just punch whatever's in front of me. "Not good enough for her." Someone restrains me and it only makes it harder to control my already unstable personality. "My sister. You will not touch her. You will not hurt my sister." In the next second my vision cleans. The second after that I notice all the eyes on me. The one after that I notice it was kuwabara restraining me. After that second I left. I didn't run. I didn't sprint. I just calmly walked to the door and left. What else could I do?
I don't know what possessed me. The thought of someone touching my sister. In that way. Maybe it's because I remember those nights growing up when the bandits would take young girls captive. Hearing their screams all night. I know Yukina wasn't harmed. I don't care. It's all the same. I've never even aloud anyone to touch me in such a way. As if anyone would touch an imiko like me.
Maybe that's caused me to be possessive. I have so few people that I care about. The thought of someone harming one of those few people. My vision blurs slightly before I force myself to calm down. After a mile or so I finally stop and find a tree to stay in until I feel less idiot going back. I will not go back. I can not stand to see the look on her face. That's why I didn't look. I can't stand to see another person look at me with loathing.
"Kind of went wacko didn't you." That raspy voice that makes my stomach churn. "I got to admit. It surprised me. It also hurt when you nailed me in the chest. I take it you were aiming for Toya."
"Hn."
"Well. You've sulked enough. Let's go back, I'm freezing out here."
"You go back. I'm staying." Maybe now he'll leave me alone and my stomach can take a break to settle.
"Hiei, can't you just let us care about you. I get that it's not your style, but maybe just this once you can not fight me and just let me be your friend."
"I do not need nor want your false friendship. I don't need pity. And I don't need you." I loath him. I loath this feeling that never ceases when he's around.
"Man you piss me off. Did you ever think that maybe it's not false. That maybe we want to actually be your friend." He's looking up at me. "Just let people care about you for you. Maybe then you wouldn't be so alone." I jump down and kick him.
"You know nothing about me."
"That's original. Did you come up with that yourself or dig that out of nearly every movie in existence."
"People don't 'care' about me. I've never had anyone 'care' about me. And I don't want anyone to 'care' about me."
"Everyone needs someone to care about them. Just like you have a sister that desperately wants her brother. Just because you don't want anyone to care for you doesn't mean that we won't. Like it or not." I'm shaking. He irritates me. "What is wrong with you anyways. Could you just try to let people be nice to you. I came out here so you wouldn't sulk alone. Alone. Alone. You're always alone. What would be so wrong about you being around us. You stalk off at the slightest issue. You runaway with your tail between your legs just because you're a coward." I feel his hands grasp my shoulders and pin me down in the snow.
I kick at him, but he has my legs pined as well. The snow melts under my natural heat. My body seems to increase in temperature. He's so close. His nose is pressed into mine.
"Tell me. Now." I struggle.
"Tell you what?"
"You said I know nothing about you. What don't I know. What is it that I need to know. I'm not letting you go until I know." His chest is against mine. This is the closest I've ever been to anyone. It feels strange. And that feeling in my stomach is worse than ever before. "Well. Come on. What is it that makes you this aggressive, possessive guy."
"I don't have anyone." The words just come out before I can stop them. It must be this strange warmpth mixed in with the churning. Maybe I'm coming down with something.
"What do you mean?"
"I can't let anyone hurt her. She's all I have. And I don't even have her." His hands slacken and I can move slightly more.
"You don't have anyone."
"Never have. Imikos don't have people that care for them. I have never been wanted by anyone. Now let me go."
"That can't be true Hiei. Surely someone has loved you." I force my temperature to rise and he yelps in mild pain. But doesn't let go. "I'm not letting you run away again. I have questions and you are going to answer them. Now I want to know why you hate all of us. Me especially." I don't answer. "Hiei. I need to know why you hate me. I need to know what I did to make you dislike me so much." My body stiffens. What did he do? Nothing. Everything.
"I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. I on some low level.. respect you." His eyes are trying to connect with mine. But I look away.
"But you always…"
"I don't hate you. Let me go."
"No. I'm finally getting you to talk. I'm finally getting you to answer questions. If you don't hate me then how do you feel about me." He's smirking. Maybe trying to lighten the mood. But that question makes me think. And I don't wholely want to know the answer.
"Let's just go back okay. They will be getting worried." His voice is calm and deep and my body shivers. "I thought you don't get cold." I finally push him off.
"I don't. And I'm not. You should though. You have a weak human body."
"Actually, I'm not cold at all anyone. Your body heat just radiates." His smiles. He steps close to me and his arms wrap around me. He's much taller than me so I'm pressed against his upper abdomen.
"What are you doing." I feel vibrations as he laughs.
"You said no one has ever cared for you. So I thought maybe you haven't been held a lot either. And everyone needs to be held occasionally." I can't control my breathing. "Are you okay?" My stomach churns like I'm about to throw up. I feel queasy. I feel his arms wrap under my legs and lifts me up.
"I can walk on my own."
"I know, but this makes it fair. I carry you and I get to feel your warmpth. Besides, you didn't get any rest last night trying to keep me from freezing ." Everything goes fuzzy. I can't stop shaking. "I could sense your power next to me all night. Can I ask why you did something so nice for me?"
"You were alone. And you were cold." As long as I don't look at him.
"I never did get to tell you my type. From our earlier conversation." He smiles. "They would have to be smart, brave, strong, warm hearted, attractive." He chuckles. "Someone that cares for me."
"Why would this matter to me?" His arms wrap around me tighter and hold me closer against him.
"I can tell you haven't been courted very often. Or at least not enough to know I'm hitting on you." My chest aches. My stomach churns. I can't breathe. "Hiei, I care about you. And I know you care about me."
"I hate you." I know I'm pushing against him. But it's like pushing a brick wall. I know I don't hate him.
"As I recall, you don't hate me, you don't dislike me, and on some lowlever you have respect for me."
"I lied."
"You don't lie. Except to Yukina apparently. Why didn't you tell her?"
"That isn't any of your business." I give up on struggling. I can't get free anyways.
"I'm not going to let you dodge every question. We can either talk about why you are so against me courting me or why you are so against Yukina knowing that you are her brother." He looks down at me. "I told the guys that I would come get you. But I'm going to walk back slowly. And since I'm such a nice guy, I'll even let you deside which unpleasant topic you would prefer." He smiles down at me. And that feeling intensified.
"I'm not going to."
"Yes you are." He stops moving. Again I struggle. "And I'm not going to let you go." He hold me tighter.
"Just let me go. I'm sick of you and I'm sick of this queasy feeling everytime you're around so just let me go. I loath you."
"You have that too? A feeling in your gut that makes your stomach feel uneasy. But it's not altogether unpleasant. That same feeling also brings a warmpth that you've never felt before."
"Is it a form of alment?" Maybe he would know how to cure it.
"Yup. And it's increadably permanent. You must have caught it from all the time in the human world."
"No cure? It'll never cease."
"I have it too."
"You infected me." His nose touches mine. He's smiling. My face feels warm. Everything feels warm.
"And you infected me." I feel his warm lips press against my cheek. I know it to be a sign of affection. But I've never had someone show me such a sign.
"I'll give you time if that's what you need, but if your feeling is anything like mine, it'll always exist." He smiles. "Now, about Yukina."
"Can we stop talking."
"Don't be afraid okay?"
"I've done a lot of bad things."
"And You've done a lot of good too."
"She isn't like me."
"And my sister is nothing like me. She's always been good at getting the attention of the ones she likes." He chuckles. I feel like a child being held by him. But it isn't unpleasant. "She wasn't angry when you stormed out. She looked worried that you would get hurt. And she was hurt because you never told her. She thought that you thought there was something wrong with her." My fingers go to the two tear gyms around my neck.
"I remember my mother crying as I was thrown off a cliff. Because I was male. A monster. An imiko. I was cast out. Found by bandits. The closest thing to a family I ever had. I try not to remember those memories. But when I sleep I am reminded. The unloved imiko." His arms hold me flush against his chest. It's comforting. In a way. I don't know why I'm acting so out of character. Why I'm allowing him to touch me so intimately. Am I that starved for attention.
"Yukina loves you. And I love you." My body is shaking. That feeling. Why can't it just go away. "Sometimes I want to hate you. The you that you try to convice people that you are. But You aren't this bad guy. Your just lonely. And maybe a bit shy." I curl into myself. "What is it?"
"I don't want to face her."
"You've ran for to long. You love her. She wants her brother."
"I'm not. Good enough." I feel weak. And vulnerable. This goes beyond simple infatuation. Seeing that same cottage again sends a slight fear through me.
"Well. You could pretend to be asleep. It might not help your pride, but I could say when I forced you back you fell asleep after struggling for so long. It might would buy you a little time."
"No. It'll just make the anxiety worse."
We walk in and he promply sets me down. I keep my face blank, but I see the way everyone is looking at me. I feel sick. I feel Kuwabara place his hand against my back. It's comforting.
"I had a momentary lapse in control, and it will not happen again." Toya looks to me and takes a few steps closer to me. I'm completely prepared to fight. He stops a few feet away. And bows his head lightly.
"In my village, a male is unable to take his mate until the father of the intended agrees. As she has no father, the next male in line would be the one asked for permission. I was not aware that you were her brother otherwise I would have asked beforehand. My sincerest apologies. That being said, I love her and will care for her and protect her in the times you are unable. The child is on its way and that can not be changed."
"Just don't hurt her." I don't look him in the eyes. "Yukina, I suppose you want to talk?" She nods. When she turns and walks away, I follow behind her slowly. Leaving Kuwabaras side make the anxious feeling increase. I try not to notice.
We walk into the next room and she closes the door. She motions for me to sit down. I stand. "When were you going to tell me?"
"Never. If I was able."
"Not going to lie?" Her voice sounds hurt. And the kindness oozes out of her sweet voice.
"I've lied enough." She nods.
"I've searched for you a long time." I nod. "Were you ashamed of me?"
"No. No Yukina. That's not it at all. I've just. " I don't know what else to say. She walks close to me. Her smile is cheery. She's the same height as me. She's so close. Her arms wrap around me.
"You're my brother. And I love you." She pulls away in shock and looks me dead in the face. "Hiei, you're burning up."
"Well, I'm a fire demon." She shakes her head.
"But you also have blood from mother's side." She smiles at me. "You're still untouched aren't you?" She smiles. "Have you lost all interest in eating?" I nod. "And, have you found interest in someone?" I hesitate before nodding again. "Hiei, I think you might be in heat."
"Heat?"
"It's not unusual for around our age for us to go into heat." She nods to herself. "We see it as a crime to allow this heat to control us. When ice maidens go into heat, it means they are able to conceive a child. At least that is what I was told. About six months ago, I went into heat. I suppose it makes sense for you to go into heat as well."
"But I'm male."
"I have heard of some males of our kind –though few as they may be- being able to conceive children under certain circumstances. It's Kazuma isn't it?"
"What do you mean." She smiles.
"It's Kazuma. The one that triggered your heat." My body freezes. "I see the way he looks at you. And the way you look at him."
"That's preposterous. It's just a joke." She laughs.
"Try calling him by his name. I bet he'll smile."
"How could you be so sure?" She nods.
"You've been hurt a lot. I've known that for a while. I wont ask you to tell me about you're past. I know that worries you. Kurama told me a lot. About how you've been watching over me. I know you're a good person. And you deserve to be loved. Really loved. Give him a chance." She leads me out of the room. I avoid Kuwabara. After dinner she insists that we stay the night due to a growing blizzard. She shows each of us to our shared room. Knowing that the fox and detective are lovers she kept them together. Then she winked at me as she roomed me and Kuwabara together. I didn't know what to say. I had been thinking for a while. Could I really be in heat? My temperature has been acting up.
He takes his pack and leaves the room to change. I sit by the window. The heat from the sun has intensified through the glass. It relaxes and calms me. I hadn't realized my eyes were closed till he returned and my eyes snaped open. He settles into bed with a book of some kind.
"Hope you don't mind, reading seems to be the only way to calm me after a long day." He doesn't look up. He is wearing dark blue pajamas. The shirt has the top three buttons undone. And my body aches. I force myself to look away. "Are you coming to bed, or are you afraid to be so close to me."
"I fear nothing." But I don't move.
"Except being loved." She looks up. "Or maybe I should say the fear of not being loved." He unbuttons the remaining buttons. "Sorry, I prefer sleeping shirtless. Hope you don't mind. I'm a pretty heavy sleeper, so don't be afraid of waking me." After twenty or so minutes his breathing even outs and I gain the courage to go and examine him. His hair as always is in curls. I want to touch them. Cautiously I reach my hand out but then flinch away.
What am I doing?
What am I letting him do to me?
"Go on." His voice startles me. His eyes are still closed. "Don't worry about it. Just go on." My hand reaches back out and I run my fingers through his course tresses. His eyes open slowly. "You look nervious."
"Growing up, had I ever had the audacity to touch anyone, I would have been beaten. It's strange to touch someone. His hand catches mine. His smile is tiny but warm. My chest beats for a moment then stops.
"I want to show you something." He motions for me to sit down and then grabs his pack. "I always bring it with me. Just to remember." It's a little book. With pictures and writing. "When my parents died, my sister and I went into an orphanage to be adopted. I had four families until sis reached the age where she could care for me. They separated us. She stayed with two families and I." He opens the pages. I see a small child with a family that doesn't resemble him. "Families would adopt me. Wanting a normal son. But when I would tell them a dead woman was trying to hurt me." He laughs loudly and bitterly. "They naturally would freak out. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me." His hand reaches into my hair. I flinch briefly. "That's something we have in common. But I don't think there is a single thing wrong with you shorty."
"And I don't think you're a freak Kazuma." He looks at me shocked before smiling largely and connecting his lips to mine.
