Caterina Valentine: My Life.
FlorMorada
I do NOT own Victorious, or any songs that may be used.
SUMMARY:
Cat had never shown signs of distress. But then she committed suicide. The tapes she left behind reveal everything. Secrets, stories, truths… Her friends need to listen to them. Answers; that's all they want. As to why their best friend took her life. But listening to the tapes, they find it wasn't just Cat's own pain that drove her to suicide… Her friends were the reasons why too.
NOTE:
"This writing" is in the present, or in 'real life'.
"This writing" is Cat speaking on her tapes, or a note that someone's written.
"This writing" is Cat having a flashback, or happenings in the past.
Chapter One
The Start Of The Journey To Her Past
I reached my hand underneath the sofa, feeling for the small box that I had pushed far back under it, in case my parents had ever come into the RV one day. They knew about everything that had happened two months ago, obviously, but I knew that the content of the box was personal to Cat. For my eyes, or ears, as well as Jade's André's, Tori's, and Robbie's only. Finally feeling it, I put my fingertips around the back of the box, and slowly pulled it towards me. It appeared from underneath the sofa, and I sat up from the being laid on the floor, before kneeling down. I sighed, staring at the small, cardboard box that I had found underneath Cat's bed… Cat's old bed… Just days ago.
I blew on it slightly, before brushing my palm against the top flaps of the box, to clear the thin layer of dust that had formed on top of it in the short amount of time. Or perhaps, it was a longer amount of time than I thought. Maybe it was more than just days; a few weeks ago, maybe? I had no idea. Time… It didn't even make sense to me anymore. The days just went by. For two months now, my life has just been day after day after day. No weeks. No months. I'll probably never notice the years. Each day is just another day, bringing pain from the days' before, and passing it on to the next. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
I now could properly see the box's flap again. I lifted the two of them up slowly, opening the cardboard box out, and showing me, once again, what was inside. The smaller white box with a periwinkle blue lid. I took that out also, laying it on the dark RV carpet. I took the lid off, gingerly though, as if it could crumble at any slight touch. I placed the lid on the ground also, and then there, I saw it again. That small pile of cassette tapes, all tied together with a pale pink ribbon, bowed on the top like a birthday present. It must have taken Cat ages to do this. Even the white box's lid's design looked custom made. She must have put a lot of time into it.
I heard Tori gasp as she noticed the tapes. André, Jade, Robbie; they all must have been shocked actually. I had just told them that I'd found something of Cat's that I thought she'd want us to take a look at. I hadn't told them any more. Besides, I didn't know what more there was to tell. My guess would have been just as good as theirs. I just thought it was going to be a 'thank you and goodbye' type message. But really, I had no way of guessing. I just wanted all of us to be here when we first heard it. All together, at the same time. I'm guessing that's what Cat would have wanted. But the note she left was quite… Vague.
I put my fingers to the side of the box, lifting out a small, piece of white paper with the curly, dark pink writing. I'd always loved Cat's handwriting. It reflected so much on her personality. It was quite small, like her, but with curls and waves and heart-dotted "i"s that made it all look so sweet. So happy and carefree.
Guess I was wrong on that one.
I straightened out the piece of paper, before clearing my throat, about to read the note. None of us had said much for almost an hour. I had come home from school with André, and Tori came here soon after, silent and most likely, too upset to speak. Robbie had come about twenty minutes later. And he hadn't even brought his stupid puppet. Although I hated that plastic toy… It made my heart ache a little. Robbie got upset a lot, over everything, but… Leaving Rex behind? He knew how important today was going to be. And how heartbreaking too. Him not bringing his puppet showed that. A lot.
And Jade… Well, we never even speak much anymore anyway.
Things, they've just changed. I don't know why. We broke up just a few weeks before Cat, um… You know. And, I tried to keep talking to her, and for a few days it was fine, but then she just cut herself off from me. A lot of the time now, she won't come into school for days. And when she comes back, her eyes are all puffy and her face would be red, from what looked like crying. I'd, in fact, we all wouldalways ask if she was alright, and she'd say she's fine. I know she wasn't and still isn't, but after a while, I just had to leave it. I wasn't even sure if she'd turn up here today. But she obviously cares… She and Cat were like sisters, I suppose. I'm just really happy she's here to listen to this with the rest of us.
I thought, as usual, she'd just completely blank me. But when she got to the RV… She hugged me. She didn't utter a word, but… She hugged me.
I'd already read the note, but I did not feel like reading it again. I stood up, and walked closer to the fish tank where Jade and Robbie were standing, near to Tori and André who were sat on my bed. They all moved closer to me, and I put my arm to the side slightly, letting them read the note without me having to once again see it.
'Jade, Beck, Tori, André, Robbie…
I'm done. I'm sorry, but I just can't.
There's no point.
I'm finished.
I'm just…
Done.
Cat.'
I heard Tori whimper, and I guessed that she'd read Cat's words. I knew exactly how she felt too, from when I'd first read it. The words… They stung. It's been two months now. And we haven't moved on, we'd never move on, but we were… Coping. But I'd felt like someone was… Raking at my heart when I'd read it. Reading… A piece of Cat again. Especially when I'd read that Cat was 'done'… I couldn't. I just couldn't.
I'd assumed that the tapes were for us to listen to, as the note next to them was for us, so I'd borrowed my dad's cassette player to listen to them. He'd asked why, at the time. I'd told him it was for a class project.
I went over to the centre of the RV again, leaning down to the box. I heard the familiar sound of my bed spring, and guessed it was Tori sitting down. I then heard André's feet slowly walk closer to me.
I looped my finger underneath one of the dark pink bows, pulling it and letting the tapes sit there freely. I lifted one up, the top one, marked "Uno". Cat loves… Loved… Spanish. She always said it sounded so exotic, 'like a koala bear on top of a Christmas tree', in fact. I ran my finger over the edge of the cassette, looking at the dark tape rolled inside.
And who knew what other secrets laid inside them, too?
I pressed the up arrow button on the cassette player, resulting in the lid flipping up, revealing where the tape would be put in. I reached down, and placed the tape inside, pressing down on it until I heard a small click. I closed the lid, and then just sat there, silent for a while. Though suddenly, a small sniff broke the tense atmosphere.
"Please, please, don't press play, Beck," Tori said, almost inaudibly. "What… What if she doesn't really want us to listen to it? She might not want us to; she might be scared if we listen. We don't know what's on there, what if, what if, just please don't, Beck! I can't! I won't be able to take it!"
I felt my heart rate increase as Tori began to sob quietly. She was speaking on behalf of all of us. Cat wanted us to listen to these tapes, we knew that. She wouldn't have left them in here, with that note, if she didn't. But no, Tori. It wasn't her who was scared.
It was all of us.
I turned my head slightly, seeing Tori on my bed, as I had thought, with her hand covering her eyes. André didn't even seem aware that she was crying. He looked so far away; I could see it in his eyes. He was so upset. Robbie was curled up, with his head bent to his knees, on my small armchair. I couldn't see whether he was crying or not. Jade's eyes were red, which I hadn't noticed before when she'd come in. She must have been crying before she came.
It was so weird. It had been almost three months since what had happened. The first day, the first week, the first month even, we'd all cried nonstop. We never even really saw each other – none of us were at school. We just stayed at home, and cried. But as time went by, we'd started to deal with it a little better. We came back to school. We laughed. We smiled. We'd never forget, but… We'd stay strong.
But being about to hear these tapes, assuming that it was Cat's voice on them, would just be another reminder of her. Of what she did. About how Cat, our Cat Valentine…
Took her own life.
But it would explain. It had to explain something. She couldn't just keep us hanging like this, no signs, no explanation; why she would just leave us like that.
"Why, Cat? Please tell us! What did we do? What did, what did I do to make you do that? Please, Cat, please!"
I felt a hand on my shoulder, before quickly turning round and seeing it was André. I lifted my hand to my face and rubbed my eyes, realising some tears had spilled over. The room was silent, and even Tori had stopped her sobs and was now silent. I hadn't even known I was saying all I said out loud. Then again, there was a lot of stuff that I didn't know.
Like why Cat killed herself.
"Press play," I heard in a sore, quiet voice. "We all need to know, Beck." I glanced round once again, and saw Jade staring at me. She just looked so upset, so broken. Pain. Her eyes, my heart, all of our lives… Were just filled with pain.
I sighed, making a final decision. My hand shaking, I found the small triangle symbol, the 'play' button, and lay my finger on it. I knew as soon as I pressed it, our lives would change. There were quite a few tapes in this small white box; each double sided, so listening to them could take a while. But, as I already had said to myself, many times in my head… Why would she record it if she didn't want us to listen to it? Whatever was on them… She wanted us to know.
I quickly slammed my finger against the button, and the sound of the tape rolling began to fill the dark, silent atmosphere. Then, we heard the familiar sound of that little, red haired girl clearing her throat. Like she always did when she was about to speak; either for a performance, or… Explaining something really important.
I could literally hear our hearts beating in the small RV. This was it. Maybe, finally, we'd get some answers. We waited, for what seemed like hours for Cat to speak.
And then it started. And she did.
"Um, hey. It's Cat here, on May twenty ninth, two thousand and twelve.
I'm guessing you guys have read the note I just wrote. If you haven't, it's there in the box you found these tapes in. It's just short, don't worry.
I would have ripped that note and burnt it to ashes if I knew I wouldn't need it. And these empty tapes, and tape recorder I have sitting in front of me right now… All of them would have been thrown in the junkyard forever too. But, um… Since you're listening to this now… It means that I haven't. It means I was successful. It means that I did it, I ended it… I finished life.
My life… It's worthless. I'm worthless. And yes, I know, I'm always so happy, and smiling, and have such a cute voice, and I'm always saying all these random things, and you all wish you could have a life 'as carefree as Cat's!'. Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. You're fucking wrong, you guys. Why would you want my life? I'm worthless. I don't deserve life, there's no point in me having one, I don't need one, I don't want one anymore. I just hate it, I hate life, I hate living. I don't want it. I just can't.
You want answers, right? I know. And I'll give them to you; all the other tapes that you'll see in the white box will have them all on 'em. 'Cause I know how confused you probably are right now. About how this 'all came out of nowhere', and how 'Cat never seemed like she'd feel like this', and 'I thought everything was happy in her world!'. No. It isn't. It isn't, it wasn't, and it never fucking will be. So… I'm gonna do it. Right after I finish recording the last tape for you, and I wrap them up, and put them in a box… I'm going to end it. I'm just going to end it all.
And don't think this just started in high school or whatever. No. The shit in my life… It started a long time ago. Trust me.
So… Yeah.
And oh, before I go on, can I just say, um… I love you guys. Jade, Beck, André, Tori, Robbie, I love you. And I'm so sorry. I'm such a worthless person. I don't deserve you guys, or anything in life for that matter. I just wasted space on this earth; I've just made you waste your life hanging out with me. So, I am so sorry. But I'll be leaving soon, don't worry. Me, just… My shit presence… Will be gone from your lives forever.
So, um, as I said before, I'm about to record the rest of the tapes. And I'll number them too. So you can listen to them all in the right order. I think I'll do the numbers in Spanish, though, ha.
Braden loved Spanish.
And, um, the last tape, whatever number it'll be… I guess it will be a kind of goodbye. A farewell. A 'Hasta la vista, Catty'. I don't know. Just the last thing I leave you guys with, really.
You know, I never really thought I'd get to a point where I'd actually want to end my life. Really. I know I hate living. And I know I hate life. I'm already doing all this stuff to my body to try to ease the pain a little anyway. But I promised you… I promised you that I would never try to take my life. You, you know who you are. But… I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you guys. I guess it all just got too much.
What's the point of living if you don't deserve a life, huh?
So, um, yeah. Here it is. Your once in a life time chance to listen to the sad… Pathetic… Fucking worthlessness of the story that is… Caterina Valentine… My life, I guess."
As soon as we heard the click of Cat obviously pressing the stop button on the recorder, and the rolls of tape in the cassette player stop rolling, the RV fell silent.
I had just heard Cat's voice. Cat, Cat Valentine; the girl who is dead. She-I just heard her-she's there-she's going to tell us- why-please-help-I can't-breathe—
…
"Beck! Beck, do something! Open your mouth, Beck, breathe! Do something!"
"Beck, please wake up, or just come back, or stop whatever you're doing right now! Beck!"
"Beck! Beck, you need to snap out of this! Ugh, I'm sorry-"
I soon felt a sharp, stinging sensation of Jade's palm being slapped across my cheek. But before I'd even had a chance to be shocked, I realised that I needed oxygen. Now. I felt like I'd just drowned. I couldn't breathe. I just… I don't even know.
I looked up, to see my four friends staring at me with scared eyes. Tori was standing above me, her cheeks wet, and she was sobbing slightly as she looked at me. André had his hands placed firmly on my shoulders, and I guess he had just been shaking me. Robbie seemed just about ready to collapse. He looked so scared, and he just looked so upset. And Jade was still leant down a bit, from when she had slapped me just moments before. Like Tori's, her cheeks were wet and tearstained. I couldn't take them being like this. I just couldn't. I shut my eyes, beginning to cry as well.
"Beck, that was so scary!" I heard Tori say, her voice breaking in between her own sobs. I felt her lean down and hug me. "You wouldn't do anything! The tape ended and you were just still, just staring, you weren't breathing and you weren't answering us, Beck!"
"It was Cat," I said quietly in her neck. "I'm sorry, it just-"
"It seems so unreal," Robbie finished for me. "We heard her voice again. We heard her again. We heard… Cat…"
I moved away from Tori's arms, and felt André remove his hands from my shoulders also. He stood upright, sighing and then just stared into space. "No. That wasn't Cat. That, that wasn't my Lil' Red. She's not like that, she's not depressed, she's not suicidal, she's not-"
"Yes, she is, André!" Jade yelled, her voice breaking into sobs as she did so. "Didn't you hear her? That's exactly what she was trying to say! We think she's all happy, she obviously isn't! Wasn't…" She was silent for a second, sobbing at the correction of the word she just had to make. "Or, or why would she be dead? She's was hiding what she obviously felt inside!"
I stood up quickly, turning and facing Jade. "She doesn't feel anything now, remember, Jade?" I shouted, just feeling so confused, and sad, and angry. "She felt! Felt! Everything's supposed to be said in the past now! She's dead!"
Tori gasped, and even I was shocked at the harshness in my own voice. I was just so upset! Cat! How could she just keep this from us? How she was feeling? Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't she tell us?
We all slowly recovered from this outburst. Tori was still sniffing, and André was still stood there, staring into nothingness, but… We'd calmed down. It was soon silent in the RV. Just us, all alone, with our thoughts.
Suddenly, Robbie spoke in a quiet, formal manor.
"Cat swore."
I sat back down on the floor again, before rubbing my eyes with my hand. "I know," I replied quietly. "She said a lot of other things too."
And none of us really said anything after that. At least three hours must have gone by, but there had just been silence. Tori offered to make us all something to eat, as it was approaching eleven o'clock now, but we'd all said it was fine. We all just wanted to sit there really. Not saying anything. None of us needed to speak anyway, really. There was nothing to explain to one another. We all already knew.
Cat was going to tell us why.
Why she'd killed herself.
We'd listened to the first tape now.
We'd been drawn in, tempted, dazed, mesmerised, just so infuriatingly determined to know why.
So… There was no going back.
Kinda inspired by Jay Asher's '13 Reasons Why'. Do you like this? If you do, thanks. :] If you don't, give it a little time? x] I've had the idea to do a story like this for a while. Review if you like it, review if you don't, hehe. ;]
FlorMorada.
