Something was different. The change was almost imperceptible but I could feel it prickling against my senses lightly. I didn't know what or how or where it was different, but it knew it was there. It was like any other morning at a glance. Everything was quiet, as most was in Godric's Hollow. Harry was still asleep, seeing that I just put him back to bed a couple of hours ago. James? Well, James can sleep through almost anything.
It went barely noticeable, but its presence made itself known every now and then with a small sudden wave of nausea washing over me.
No, you dopes, I wasn't pregnant. That happened a few years ago.
I push the worry to the back of my mind, behind Harry, behind James, behind Remus, Sirius and Peter, and behind everything else that mattered much more at hand. I dumped it together with things I'd like to forget but probably shouldn't; like the time I saw Haley snogging Kent at school when Kent was still dating Pauline or with the likes of Petunia and Severus.
But I suppose I should tell Albus; he'd know if it was just mindless paranoia or something that we should be concerned about. I'd owl him later.
I look over at James, who was still sleeping, his breath coming out in peaceful little sighs through his mouth. His hair, in forever disarray, was getting long and I made a mental note to myself to get it cut sometime soon.
I distracted myself with all the different ways I could cut it, just to annoy him, even though I knew it'll all probably grow back sooner or later. I could give him a Mohawk. I blanched. No. I should just probably shave it all away. I giggled at the thought of a bald James.
But it was no good.
I still felt unnerved and jumpy. It was as if a big bubble of panicking goo was bubbling inside of me. I just wished I knew what I was panicking for.
"You okay, Lils?" I jolted a bit at James' sudden question. Turning my head to face him, I smiled and nodded.
"Sure," I lied. The feeling was probably unimportant anyways. What was important right now and forever were these two men (well, one was a mini tiny man, but still) sharing this house with me. I reached out to hold his hand that was folded across his chest and he gripped mine back gently.
A strand of ebony hair was falling over his eyes and I brushed it back with my other hand, fingers slightly grazing his forehead, down the side of his face and to his cheek before moving forward to give him a light peck on his lips and falling back into my former position.
James chuckled lightly and smiled, his eyes twinkling. "Tease," he muttered jokingly. I laughed along with him. We just stared at each other for a while in silence, me trying to memorize his features. I pull my hand from his cheeks and try to pat his hair but he jerked his head away before I could even try.
"Don't even think about it," he said warningly, but the glint in his eyes destroyed the ominous effect. Then he yawned till his eyes closed and shook his head before looking back at me, his eyes half lidded.
"What time is it?"
"Early enough for you to go back to sleep. You look worn out."
He gave an amused bitter chuckle. "Right, well, as worn out as being stuck in a house for weeks could ever be."
I frowned but stopped myself from retorting about how we've been through this a thousand times. Now wasn't the time to fight, not over such petty things were there's a much bigger war brewing outside.
I suppose I did understand what James felt, in a sense that I knew what they were. But I don't think I could understand how exactly he was feeling inside. Maybe I never will.
I did, however, know that he loves the outdoors and everything that came along with it. He loves Quidditch, the loves the open air of endless fun and opportunities and most of all, he loves his friends.
We both knew Sirius, Remus and Peter would come running over right away, even if the basis of the call was just because he was bored. And they allowed themselves to do it, because they knew it if the tables were turned on any of them, the rest would do the same for them. They've left whatever they were doing or put it on hold just to get to James, including missions, investigations, dinners and once, even during a middle of a shower.
But sweet immature self-righteous James deemed it too selfish and resigned himself to the library to find out more about the prophecy Albus either knew or revealed too little about. I hated and loved the fact that he was willing to do everything and anything for Harry and me.
So, instead, I just said, "Thank you."
He looked over, looking slightly shocked and amused. "What for?"
"Everything." I stopped any further questions by kissing him full on the lips. He returned it with equal fervor and wrapped his arms around my waist. Within seconds, he had me flipped over and I laughed loudly, at which he stopped to look at me with an indescribable emotion in his eyes.
"What? Are you okay? Are you hurt?" The fear from this morning returned and I tried to wriggle my way out of his grasp to heal or charm anything that might've hurt him somehow during the course of what we were doing.
But James just simply said, "Do it again."
I stopped and cocked one eyebrow, which I admit, practiced numerous times in the mirror. "What?"
"Do it again."
"Do what again? Squirm? That's kind of-"
"No. Laugh."
I blinked once. Twice. And said, "Haha?"
"No. Not like that." He leaned down and nuzzled my neck lightly. "Like you mean it."
He pressed small kisses down my neck to my shoulders and up again to my cheek and eyes. His warm lips pressed against the corners of my mouth and the tip of my nose and he whispered breathlessly, "Lily. Beautiful beautiful Lily." I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding and for some reason, giggled.
James smiled and said, "You're getting there."
I pulled him down so that I could kiss him properly and we just rolled around on the bed like that, exchanging lazy, relaxed, unhurried kisses, sighs and sweet nothings.
Well that was until Harry started screaming his lungs out.
James pulled back and sighed but his eyes revealed that he didn't mind. Well, not much anyways. I loved how his eyes revealed almost anything. I gave a small peck for that before making my way out from his warm cage of arms.
"I'll get him." But James grabbed my arm before I could.
"No, I will. You can go get breakfast ready. I haven't really had a man to man talk my son yet." He said, winking. I rolled my eyes, smiling, but secretly loving the way he said "my son".
I went downstairs into the kitchen after putting on a robe over my thank top and pajama pants and grabbed some eggs for the fridge. James liked his eggs scrambled (probably because his hair was as messy as them) while it was egg smash for Harry. Me, I liked them sunny side-up.
After putting all our different choices of eggs onto plates, I grabbed some pancake mix and said some charms to juice the strawberries on the counter. When the pancakes were piled up, smelling delicious and buttery, with a small saucer of strawberry sauce, I placed all the plates on the table and poured some orange juice for me and James and some milk for Harry.
I waited and sipped on my juice, waiting for James to appear around the corner of the hallway with Harry in his arms from upstairs.
I thought that by now the smell of such yummy (in my opinion) platter would've brought the two of them out of their den. I mean, men can't resist such tantalizing temptation. Besides, how much one-to-one talk can you have with your one year old son?
They'd probably come sooner or later. I tried not to worry too much, but failed. Miserably. The unease from the morning started to seep in a little again and I suddenly felt that something had happened to them.
Jumping up from the table, I dashed upstairs towards Harry's room, only slowing slightly when I heard James' voice floating through the corridor as I neared.
"-she's really gorgeous. I'm glad you have her eyes. The red hair's a stunner too, but I suppose you look better with my manly looks, with you being a boy and all."
I smiled at the playfulness in James' voice and decided I wanted to hear more before disrupting them. I lingered in the doorway, leaning against a wall with my back to them while I took in what James said.
"Heh, your hair's really messed up. Can't even flatten it little bit. I guess you take after me like that." James must've tickled him or something because Harry giggled, his high pitched sound tinkling while James' low baritone chuckle reverberated.
"I'm sure you're going to be a stunner one day. I mean, I was. The girls couldn't get enough of me at Hogwarts." I rolled my eyes. "Well, maybe except for your mom. She was hard to get, you know. But now I'm pretty sure she's head over heels for me. It's kind of sad, really, that it took her till her final year to realize that while all it took for me was to see her again in third year. Still, it was worth the wait. She's worth everything in the world."
His tone changed now. From teasing to serious, a soft gentle caring tone he used when he was really getting sincere and sentimental.
"When the war's over, Harry, and when You-Know-Who stops looking for us, I'll take you to your Godfather's place. Yes, granted, there's that horrible cursed painting there but I'm sure you'd be able to look over it to see Sirius." Harry laughed and clapped loudly at that.
I grinned. Harry loved Sirius. Well, maybe mostly because with Sirius came Chocolate Frogs and Wheezing Whizbees. Not to mention he gave Harry his very first broom which I had to hide because he kept on destroying half the living room on it.
"I know you love him. He loves you very much too. When-if we're ever gone, he'll look after you. So will Remus, Peter, Dumbledore, Minerva, Alice and every other good people left in the world. But I doubt we'd ever need that; I trust Peter would never give us away. He's our friend and if he was in our situation right now, we'd do the same for him too.
"Now what else shall we talk about?" Harry cooed and James laughed loudly. I thought about going but decided against it. I wanted to hear more. I slid down the wall and sat down my eyes closed as James' voice filled the hallways again.
"Fine. Onto our next favorite subject-other than Quidditch but don't tell her that-your Mother. Lily. Evans. How do we start eh?
She's perfect, your mother. I hope you know that. One day, you'll be old enough to realize that your mom's the most amazing mother anyone could ever have. You're lucky Harry, to have such a kind, caring, sweet, loving, beautiful woman to look after you the rest of your life. To have someone like her you can always come home to. I'm lucky I have someone like that to come home to.
"I'm sure you'll appreciate all that she's done and will do for you in the future and repay her with all the sincerity and kindness in the world for it. She'd do anything for you Harry. She loves you so much. I love you. And I love her. And I'm sure somewhere in that little heart of yours, you love us too."
There was a short pause and I realized there were slight tears prickling my eyes and my breath was a bit shaky. I took a deep calming gulp of air to steady myself and sighed while I wiped my tears away. I was worrying for nothing. Everything was perfect. Yes, the darkest wizard of all time was looking for us. Yes there was a war going on. Yes many of our friends had died. Yes many more will die, perhaps including us.
But at the very least I had them. I had Harry. I had James. And that was all I needed.
"Breakfast's getting cold," I said with a smile while walking into the room. James was holding Harry and bouncing him lightly in his arms. Harry was laughing and giggling and I pressed a kiss on his forehead while giving James one on his lips. Wrapping my arms around his neck from the back, I put my chin on his shoulder and looked at the little beauty that was our creation. I felt a swell of pride at that.
Harry. Harry Potter. It had a nice ring to it.
"Yes, it does," James said, and I realized I had said it out loud. I giggled and pinched Harry's cheeks slightly.
"But you know what sounds better?" James continued. "Lily Potter." I slapped his shoulder lightly.
"Flirt," I said. James chuckled but showed no sign of getting up. And I didn't want to go either. I wrapped my arms around him again and stared at Harry.
"He'd be a great wizard," James said. I nodded. "With his mother's Charm skills and his dad's wit"- I was about to retort when he added "-at Quidditch" β I let it slide β "he'd be unstoppable. One of the best wizards the world would've ever seen. From what little Dumbledore told us, he might even be the one to stop You-Know-Who. That is, if we already haven't."
I laughed and tightened my grip on my husband. My husband. That's another thing I liked hearing. My little boy; the wizarding hero. I liked the sound of that even though I'm not sure which I preferred. Both were fantastic.
"He'd definitely make Momma proud," I said finally and touched his cheeks lightly, stretched taught from his incessant grinning. I let my fingers roam over his features; his little nose, his barely-there eyebrows, his pale white forehead, unblemished skin and two thin light pink lips. "The whole world will know his name," I whispered gently.
There was a moment then, when everything just went quiet and all that was left was me, Harry and James. I'm not sure how long we stayed there, just looking at each other, probably with goofy smiles on our faces. Then my stomach growled and I remembered my long-forgotten breakfast.
James seemed to as well because he said, "Let's eat. I'm starving. And so are you and Harry."
We left for the kitchen together, Harry still in James' arms, before putting him in his high chair. I started to feed Harry, who thank Merlin, wasn't such a picky eater. He loved egg smash, so that's probably one of the reasons why he wasn't putting up such a fit.
James took two pancakes and poured a hearty dose of cranberry sauce and started digging in. The sweet smell of the sauce made my mouth water but I focused on just feeding Harry first.
Suddenly, there was a piece of pancake in front of my face, forked by James. I blinked at it for a while before looking questioningly at James who smiled and said, "I love Harry but I don't want my wife to starve because of it. Eat."
I grinned gratefully at him before taking the cranberry soaked pancake in my mouth, savoring the burst of fruity sweetness that exploded in my mouth. "Yum," I muttered before stuffing Harry again with eggs.
"What are we doing today?" James said. It was a routine, you see. Every morning he'd ask that, very well knowing that there was nothing we could do not limiting ourselves to the confines of our house. I played along.
"Oh, you know; same old same old."
"Enlighten me." He offered me another forkful of pancakes which I once again took immediately. I swallowed hungrily before answering.
"Play with Harry. Let him sleep for his nap. Make lunch. Eat lunch. Play with Harry. Make dinner. Eat dinner. Sleep."
James pretended he had no idea that it was exactly the same thing we do every day. "Sounds like a plan."
"Not if we can help it."
I gasped with delight while James spun around and jumping out of his chair almost immediately to hug his closest friends. Harry clapped and giggled enthusiastically at the sight of Sirius and Remus, both of whom gave him a quick kiss after sharing some "manly slaps" and "hugs" with James.
"Mornin' Evans," Sirius said, leaning down to give me a light peck on my cheek in greeting. I returned it with a smile and said, "Morning to you too Black."
"Hold it there," James said warningly, his mood obviously been lifted considerably. "It's Potter to you now Padfoot,no more of that Evans nonsense."
I tsked loudly. "What nonsense? That's my maiden name, thank you very much."
James smirked and replied, "You know what I mean. Moony agrees with me don't you?"
"No idea, Prongs." Remus chose the safe road and just gave me a hug and said, "Morning Lily."
We all decided to drop it-it wasn't that serious anyways-and like any other time, the two of them joined us for breakfast. I gave Harry another spoonful of eggs and pretended not to see Sirius smuggling him some Whizbees who later started a mini boxing match with Harry who just flailed wildly more than actually deliver punches. We ate and talked and joked a lot and I was happy enough just to see James being happy.
They stayed well into the evening, and Sirius even managed to put Harry to bed for his afternoon nap after lunch, which I was very grateful and surprised about. But that changed to disapproval when I heard Sirius mutter something about a Sleeping Charm to Remus.
While Harry slept, we talked in the living room, about everything and anything. After that, when Harry finally woke up, we had dinner and went back into the living room, where I placed Harry on the floor and we both sat there while the rest sat on the armchairs, talking over a cup of firewhisky (but butterbeer for me and harry).
It was getting late, and the sun was about to get dark in a few hours, but nobody seemed inclined to leave. The whole atmosphere in the house definitely lighted up just because James' best friends were here. Speaking of which, one of them was missing.
"Where's Wormy?" I asked.
Remus shrugged and said after a gulp of firewhisky, "I don't know actually. All of us were supposed to meet at Grimmauld Place and fly over here but he never showed. Figured he had something up. Kind of weird though, he'd normally tell us immediately if he can't make it for something."
"Do you think he's-"I asked, once again the fear stirring in the pit of my stomach.
"No. Dumbledore would've told us," Sirius said seriously (no pun intended).
I frowned at the table. "Maybe asking him to be our Secret-Keeper wasn't such a good idea. It isn't because I doubt him; Wormy may be a bit, well, wormy, but I know he's good at heart."
Remus smiled at me knowingly and I felt a bit more confident to continue, knowing that they knew I wasn't judging him or that they in return weren't judging me. "I know he couldn't-wouldn't- possibly betray us. But it's more of the fact that he isn't, well, exactly the strongest of the bunch."
I bit my lip and looked away. But I didn't want to leave it hanging in the air in such on such a vague note so I went on. "While it is unlikely that You-Know-Who would actually think that we'd choose him over Sirius or Lupin - since the two of you are so much closer to us and stronger- there is a chance that he found out. And I'm just worried that if-when-he-well, basically when the time comes that he does find out, Wormy's going to be, you know-"
I couldn't bring myself to say it. James took my hand and I felt better and sighed. "I don't want anyone else to die anymore. Look at the Prewetts and the Longbottoms. How many more has to suffer? Peter is our friend above all else and if he, or any of you for that matter, were to be-be-"
I didn't need to finish that thought. Sirius cut in, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"He won't." Sirius said. "We promise Eva-Lilly. None of us will. We'll be here. We'll always be here. Wormy knows that you trust him and he'd do anything in his power to save all of you, as all of us would. And if that process involves us being gone, then so be it. But" βhe said just as I was about to say something- "it would be worth it. It's inevitable, death. You know the Three Brothers story. Even the last brother, despite all his cleverness and wit, had to die in the end, though on much better terms than his older brothers."
He shook his head slightly and said, "Anyways, I digress. The thing is Lily; all of us have to go someday. It's just the "when exactly" that differs."
I stared at him for a moment, not believing that those very words came out of Sirius-The totally un-serious Sirius, who was a womanizer, a flirt and though a good man, an outright mischief maker. But I was thankful for his words.
Remus continued where Sirius left off, his voice calm and steady. "It could be in years, when we're all old and wrinkled. It could be not as long-maybe two years. Maybe it'll be a few months-one month. Maybe it'll be next week. Maybe it'll be today."
"But remember, Lily," James said, finally speaking up. "We're never actually gone. The ones we truly love will live on forever; in our memories, in our thoughts, in our words, in our hearts."
I stared at the three of them disbelieving, that such sentimental things came out from Hogwarts' infamous Mauraders (or at least three of them) I grinned at all of them, thanking everything good and holy in the world for giving me the chance to meet all of them. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered Severus, how if he were to be here right now, he'd probably say something like that too, but maybe in a less blatant manner. Perhaps he'd say it subtly, like hidden beneath layers of sarcasm and contempt; but it'd be there. The care and concern. The love.
A sad feeling replaced the insecurity when I thought of Severus. I wished he wasn't so into the Dark Arts. I wished he wasn't where he was right now. I wished he wasn't bearing the Dark Mark but rather, one of our friends in the Order.
But as I gripped James' hand a bit tighter, I told myself it didn't matter. These times are difficult, but I was still able to find happiness and hope in the little cracks between the veils that seemed to darken this world. I hoped whatever he was doing, Severus found a little bit of happiness as well. Not the kind that gave you satisfaction or pride. But the kind that made you want to give and do anything in the world for its happiness and safety. The kind that made you have something worth living for.
"Are you okay Lils?" James asked softly. I looked up and saw that all three were still looking at me wearily, as if I was about to break immediately. I puffed up my chest and grinned.
"Of course I am. Who would I be if I wasn't?" I asked jokingly. The light air appeared again and they all laughed.
"Human, that's one," Sirius said taking another drink from his cup.
"I said, Who, not What. Everyone's human. But I'm Lily Potter, nee Evans, and there's only one of those in the world." We cheered to that.
Suddenly, I realized Harry was gone and looked around, panicking, and calmed down relieved when I saw his little legs disappearing behind the wall towards the kitchen as he crawled away. I put down my butterbeer and followed him before picking him back up. He protested weakly, but when I put a little bit of chocolate in his mouth, he was happy to follow me back. I patted his back gently while making my way over back to the living room, where I saw Sirius and Remus standing.
I looked around for James. He wasn't there. "Where's James?"
Sirius motioned with his hands upstairs. "I needed the cloak for a mission. He's going up to get it now."
As if right on cue, James bounded back downstairs with the cloak in hand. He passed it to Sirius and put an arm around my waist to stand beside me.
"Leaving so soon?" I asked. Remus chuckled.
"Not so early anymore Lilly; sun's about to set. We should really get going." I sighed sadly.
"Besides," Sirius put in. "Who's gonna give little Wormtail a lesson for ditching us?"
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Now, don't go bullying and pushing him around okay? I think he's had enough of that. And we already owe him more than we could ever possibly say for accepting to be our Secret Keeper."
"Bullying!" Sirius said with mock hurt. "When have we ever done that?"
"I think it should be "When have we NEVER done that?" instead."
"Don't worry. Since Wormtail had been tolerating that for seven years, I'm sure he won't mind one more night," Sirius said with a wink.
"I'm serious," I said sternly.
"No, Lily. I'm Sirius." Before I could get another say, he turned and waved, gave me a farewell hug, a kiss to Harry and another hug for James and said, "Well, best be off."
I fumed slightly, half amused and half irritated, as I watched Sirius' retreating figure, getting smaller as he strode into the dark, ready to fly off without another word.
Remus smiled and gave me a longer hug and an affectionate pat on Harry's head before saying, "Don't worry too much Lilly. I'll be there. We're just kidding; nothing will get out of hand. Hopefully."
"Remus!" I exclaimed. He winked and gave James another hug.
"But really, don't worry. Wormtail's still our friend 'bove all."
I sighed and offered a grin. "Oh, alright. Take care you two. Give my love to Wormy." I waved and made Harry turn towards them. "Say goodbye to Uncle Remus, Harry."
He cooed and gurgled something incomprehensible in a way that would've made anyone else older look disgusting, yet undeniably adorable on a one-year. Remus laughed good-naturedly at his attempt and gave him a kiss, a final wave and was off in a matter of seconds.
James still had a grin on his face when he sat down. He looked up at the two of us and commented happily, "Well, that was a pleasant change in our routine."
I smiled back. James motioned for me to put Harry on his lap, so I did, and kneeled down beside the armchair where James was sitting. They played for a while, tickling and wrestling each other, before Harry suddenly found James' wand poking out of his back pocket. He grabbed and started waving it around, to which the both of us exclaimed in fright.
James gently pried his wand away from Harry's little fists. "You don't want to do that, little man." Harry just giggled and clapped. James flicked his wand and a few sparks shot out. Harry squealed and bounced happily. James pinched Harry's cheeks lightly and made flowers shoot out this time and Harry responded with as much or perhaps even more enthusiasm.
I left the two of them to play while I prepared Harry's bed. It really was getting late, now that the house became very considerably more silent, and it was probably well past Harry's bedtime.
I was about to go back when I remembered I still had my wand on me. Harry would find it too probably and won't stop playing with it if he did. I stopped in our bedroom and put my wand there before continuing my way where James and Harry were.
They were still playing, James still shooting sparks and Harry trying to catch them, and I hated to bring them apart. But I still went anyways and extended my arms to pick up harry from James' lap.
"Time for bed, sweet. Say bye-bye to Dada." Harry didn't even bother trying this time, but made a grab for James' wand. Luckily, he managed to move it away in time and gave Harry a little peck on his forehead instead.
I turned to go but stopped when James' tugged on my shirt hem.
"What?" He smirked.
"Seeing that Harry can't manage a proper goodnight farewell, I suppose I still deserve one, a kiss from his mother wouldn't be too bad I suppose."
I rolled my eyes jokingly before leaning down to give him a quick peck. But James seemed to have a different idea and he didn't let me go very quickly. Instead it was a gentle sweet kiss that held many promises, the sort that lingered and tingled even after it ended. If it weren't for Harry pulling at my hair, I would've just stayed there with James.
But fact is, Harry still had to go to bed. I pulled away smiling at James, who returned it just the same tender affection.
"I'll just put him to bed," I said.
He nodded and leaned back. "Be back soon. Don't keep me waiting. You don't find some nasty pleasure in keeping me apart from you now, do you?"
Laughing, I smirked at him, "Never. We'll always be together, right Potter?"
James laughed and took my hand and gave it one last grip. "Together."
I turned to leave, walking slowly down the corridor to the stairs. I heard James moving around in the living room. He probably was cleaning up.
Then it happened.
A blast so loud I thought my heart stopped beating. There was an immediate flash of blinding light as the front door blew apart.
"LILY!" James screamed. But it sounded so far away.
Hands pushed me roughly, urging me to go upstairs. I couldn't comply; I was transfixed, rooted to the spot as I stared at the dark hooded figure standing in the doorway.
It can't be.
"GO!" James' voice was nearing panic. And a storm was raging inside me as well. "GO LILY GO! TAKE HARRY!"
Harry. Harry. The sound of his cries brought me crashing back into reality, and there was a sudden rush as I dashed as fast as I could to Harry's room, even though I knew it was pointless.
I heard crashes and bangs and blasts downstairs and prayed that please please please let him return to me.
I didn't realize I was crying until my vision blurred that I almost hit the wall instead of the open door. I scrambled inside, putting Harry into his cot while searching blindly for my wand.
My wand. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!"
And everything seemed to stop. A burst of green exploded from downstairs and despite the crumbling house, dust, chaos and cries, I couldn't hear anything but my breathing .There was a loud buzzing in my head, like big hand pressing down so hard my ears would pop, and I couldn't think about anything else but one singular thought.
James.
I wanted to die. I really did.
He was gone.
I wasn't there, I didn't see anything, but I knew; like something inside of me ceased to stop living right at that moment. But it's different expecting and knowing something rather than actually knowing something.
My brain refused to believe it. It wasn't possible. James can't be gone. He-he's-he's- he's James Potter.
There was a deadly silence, and even Harry seemed to sense something because he stopped crying. Harry.
I can't be like this. I can't give up. I have to save Harry. Save Harry.
Right then, all my senses returned to me at full blast, seemingly heightened. I could hear every creak in the wall, the floorboards, the stairs.
There was no time. He was coming.
I kneeled down in front of the cot desperately, searching for words to say to my son before-before-
But what? There were so many things to say, many that can't be said enough in words just once.
I took a deep shaky breath and looked into green eyes very much like my own.
"Harry," I said. The creaks were getting louder. "Be brave." I put my hand through the bars of the cot to grasp his. "Be strong."
My other hand went to cup his cheek and wipe his ash-covered tear-stained cheeks. "Mama loves you. Dada-"My throat constricted. I forced myself to say it. He has to-he needs to-hear it. I need to hear it. "Dada loves you."
"Lily."
It was a voice I've heard many times, in my nightmares, through whispers among our friends, and about three times, in person. It was barely louder than a whisper, but managed to send shivers down in waves over my whole body.
I stood up to face him. His face was still covered from the cloak, but I knew that somehow, he's become even more inhumane than I last saw him.
"Please," I begged desperately. "Not him. Not Harry. Please."
"Step aside, Lily." I shook my head and stepped forward and tried again.
"Don't do this. Take me! Take me instead. Not Harry. Take me!"
There was a soft whoosh of air and I realize it was just his sigh.
"You leave me no choice." I refused to budge.
I barely heard the words, but I knew he had said it. There was the green flash, right before my eyes. I felt it hit me, right in my chest. My breath left me in one whoosh and I couldn't do anything to get it back. I didn't have any energy to get it back.
The felt unconsciousness closing in and I felt myself fall.
But it didn't stop because I was falling into a big black hole of oblivion. It was peaceful in a way. I couldn't feel anything. But I couldn't rest, because one thing was still holding me back.
I let the very thought consume me, wishing, praying, thinking with every fiber of my being to keep him safe.
Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry. Harry.
He can't take him. He can't have him. He can't.
I was falling again, but falling asleep this time. At least, I think it was sleep. But somewhere in the distance, very very very very far away, I heard James' voice.
Together.
