Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Summary: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny come across a ridiculous fanfiction story. They decide to take it into their own hand and revamp it, giving the story a little more plot and humor. AU
Author's Note: The short italicized fanfic (also dubbed "Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand") was a story I wrote in Grade 3 before I even knew what fanfiction was. We were supposed to write a story and GOF had just come out. Unfortunately, my teacher didn't entirely approve. While I got an 80%, her comment was "Well written Harry Potter story. For next time, it is very important that you write a story of your own. Create your own setting and your own characters." It was reasonable.


Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand

Awaking with a start, Harry heard a shriek of laughter emanating from the kitchen. He furled his brow. What could Hermione and Ginny possibly be doing that caused them to laugh so much? Decisively, he began to make his way out of his old – and sagging – favorite comfy chair. He tiptoed out of the den into the hall and softly headed to the kitchen doorway. Poking his head around the empty doorframe, he spotted Hermione and Ginny sitting at the table with their backs to him. They were bent over Hermione's muggle laptop and whispering amongst each other. Harry took in a deep breath and continued tiptoeing towards them. As he grew closer, he began to discern words in their muffled conversation.

"Oh yeah, 'cause I would ever become a duck animagus." Hermione scoffed.

"Oh, and I would date Dumbledore?" Ginny asked, giggling madly. Harry paused. He had no idea what they were on about. Grinning mischievously, he reaffirmed his decision to find out. Once he was within arm's reach of Hermione, he jumped forward and grabbed her shoulders, yelling at the top of his lungs! Both girls jumped and cried out, before swiftly turning around to beat Harry for scaring them.

"Whoa, calm down, calm down. I was just – trying – ow! I just wanted to see what was so funny!" Harry said, laughing and ducking behind his arms. Once Hermione and Ginny were satisfied, they turned back to the computer and made room for Harry to see.

"We're reading fanfiction." Ginny said excitedly. Harry groaned. "No really! It's incredibly addicting. And people write the funniest things about us, I mean –"

"But they keep making me go out with Malfoy! It's wrong!" Harry shuddered. "Or Snape." Hermione chuckled.

"Are you sure you don't want to read the one about –"

"NO!" Harry made to stand up. "I don't see why you guys find it so great. There's about a million stories where I get locked somewhere with someone I hate and end up making out with them, and those are the good ones." Ginny put a hand on one of his shoulders and pushed him back down.

"Ok, just read this one. We're not reading any bad ones right now, only ridiculously funny ones." Harry sighed in defeat.

"Alright. But there better not be any dancing Dudleys in this one." Hermione grinned and turned back to the computer. As she scrolled down the page, they heard heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. An audible creak signified that Ron had not skipped the only loose floorboard in the staircase. He entered the kitchen with a perplexed expression as Hermione reached for the fruitbowl.

"What –" Suddenly, Hermione whipped a papaya at him, causing to simultaneously jump back and reach to catch it. Which did not work. Ron smacked the back of his hand hard on the doorframe, causing him to cry out and clutch it to his body in pain as he swung around, effectively whacking his head against the other side of the doorway. Ron froze, half bent over, and whimpered with suppressed agony. Harry and Ginny fell off their chairs as they gutted themselves laughing. Hermione was doubled over in silent laughter, one hand on her forehead and the other on her knee holding her up. She attempted to restrain herself. Gasping in for air, she stood up and made her way to Ron, barely managing to paste a sheepish look on her face. She guided Ron over to the table and retrieved an ice pack from the refrigerator freezer. She sat down again and looked at Ron apologetically.

"What. The heck." Ron said. Harry and Ginny, who had managed to compose themselves, fell apart again, using each other for support. Ron glared at them and they regained control of themselves.

"I'm sorry, Ron. I really, truly have no idea why I did that." Hermione replied, her hand hiding her Malfoy-like smirk. Ron stared at her. Deciding not to probe the issue, he remembered why he had come down in the first place.

"As I was saying, what are you guys doing down here? What were you screaming about…did Harry pelt you with fruit too?" Ginny snickered quietly as Hermione pointed at the screen.

"We're reading fanfiction and –"

"YES!" Ron sang out. "I love fanfiction, you should see what they do to Harry!"

"I know." Harry lamented as the girls beside him giggled. "It's awful," he continued, right when Hermione and Ginny coincidingly said "It's hilarious!" Hermione then clicked on the link entitled "Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand".


Harry Potter and the Pirate's Wand

Harry Potter was enjoying a letter from Sirius that Hedwig just brought him.

Dear Harry,
How are you? I heard that Hogwarts students would be going to the ocean. Last year Beauxbatons went and the year before that Durmstrang went. Congratulations for your victory winning the Triwizard Tournament trophy.
Love,
Sirius

Bang, bang, bang!

"Are you awake boy?" Uncle Vernon roared. Harry was used to this. Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were always being mean to him. Harry knew perfectly why; Harry was a wizard. "Did you hear me?" Uncle Vernon yelled again. Harry quickly put away his quills, parchments, and books from Hogwarts (Hogwarts School of Wizardry). Harry thought Hogwarts was the best wizard school ever! Beauxbatons didn't know proper English and Durmstrang taught dark arts.

The next day, Uncle Vernon drove Harry to the train station. "Ron!" yelled Harry. Ron, Harry's schoolmate, ran over to Harry. "Let's go!" shouted George, walking through platform nine and three quarters. As soon as Harry climbed onto The Hogwarts Express, he decided to change into his robes. When Harry was done, he and Ron went to get some chocolate frogs.

Soon, they were walking into the Gryffindor common room to meet Hermione. "Hi Hermione, why weren't you on the train?" asked Ron. "I stayed all summer with Hagrid and Fang." explained Hermione.

On their first weekend, the Hogwarts students went to the ocean. As soon as Harry went into the water, he heard a little chomping noise and then Hermione scream.

"Hermione, are you ok?" yelled Ron.

"Piranhas! Piranhas!" screamed Hermione.

Just then, Harry saw something glittering in the water. The snitch! No, a wand! Harry swam down and grabbed it. Human tooth marks. A pirate's wand! Then piranhas grabbed the wand and snapped it in half! "What're we going to do?" cried Ron.

"Why don't we use the Killing Curse?" asked Harry.

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" yelled Harry, Ron, and Hermione. Just then, all the piranhas dropped dead!

The next day, they were back at Hogwarts. "Everyone, I have decided that school is out for the rest of the year!" Professor Dumbledore told everyone.

"Well, back to the Dursleys." said Harry.

"Harry, stay at my house; that would be better." explained Ron.

THE END


"You know, as much as this sucks, it has the potential to be really interesting. I mean, we could write better than that." Hermione said, the cogs in her mind beginning to turn.

"Yeah! I'd have the piranhas eat Malfoy!" Ron suggested excitedly.