All We Are
By LeaBlackletter
Chapter – 1
We are concerned
"There are cracks in the wall that surrounds you,
And now you look see through."
Disclaimer: This story did not undergo any betas. And I could only look so much at this before I started overthinking my decision if I should really post this.
Description: After the incident in fifth year in which Snape meets Lupin as a werewolf, Sirius starts having dreams, dreams about The 12 Grimmauld Place; but it looks worn out, abandoned, dark. And about a place he can't escape, where he's living his worst nightmares again and again. The Marauders have broken up. People who didn't care about him then, are certainly concerned now. Frank and Dorcas investigate the matter, and others join them.
Point of View(s): Sirius Black, Frank Longbottom and Lily Evans. (3)
Parings: Remus/Sirius (Wolfstar), Frank/Alice and James/Lily. (3)
Chapter Description: Sirius is having weird and horrifying dreams, and apparently attention problems. Dorcas and Frank are on to him, and Frank had never sighed this much as he has in this day. Dorcas is somewhat sneaky. Lily is suspicious of the marauders and will do anything to get down at the matter of things, while being in disbelief over how she is concerned about Black. Marlene is sympathetic and does not support direct approaches. The rest of the Marauders are pretending that their third member doesn't exist, and James and Peter fail at pretending. Remus is a pro at it, but that's not necessarily a good thing. Severus is drowning in fury. And Alice sleeps.
And it's all a little more complicated than it looks.
He, Sirius Black dined at a fine summers da- okay, no. It may be summer, but in no way was the day 'fine'. It was a very sad day when all Sirius Black did with his food was stare at it.
So he stared at his plate of mash potatoes without actually staring at it, Sirius was far gone in his own mind to see or hear anything. It was like he was not there at all.
On a very sad summer's day, as previously mentioned, Sirius sat on the Gryffindor table having breakfast with the company of Dorcas and Frank; as he and The Marauders were not on the friendliest terms (understatement). The last incident obviously still fresh in their mind, Dorcas and Frank for some reason sat with him.
As much as attention Sirius should have been giving into all his efforts to make peace between him and them, he couldn't.
Sirius mentally sighed; he was already separating him from the other Marauders. He felt as if he didn't belong in the group now.
Sirius was confused and uncertain as to why Dorcas and Frank sat with him, but not curious enough to ask them. Especially not when he was already too busy thinking about the… dreams he's been having.
The night after 'The Incident', he had a…dream. Yeah, he had his own set of freaky dreams; that happens when you go playing with a werewolf on a full moon (Not that he doesn't want it), but the dreams… even thinking about them has Sirius shivering.
He was constantly tired and the reason behind why; was the root of all the conflict Sirius has been in recently. Which was bad, because his reason should have been his not-so-relationship between him and them. But it wasn't.
They're just snippets, of walls like The 12 Grimmauld Place; but it looks worn out, abandoned, dark. These memories usually came with the feeling of bitterness, disgust, hope, flicker of happiness and hopelessness, oh so much hopelessness; like he wanted to help, he knew how to help, but he couldn't.
And then there were dreams which had Sirius almost screaming. In those dreams he always saw dark stone wall, which was always so dirty, so unkempt, sometime Sirius thinks that there was blood on the wall too. But the scariest was the feeling of hurt, of betrayal; which always stung so deep at Sirius's heart (Sometimes when Sirius was too afraid to sleep he thinks, that he would feel that way if one of The Marauders betrayed him, how the Marauders feel about him now.),
And like a Dementor was nearby, but that was impossible how would he know that feeling when he never saw on in all his life, maybe his imagination was conjuring up the depiction of the feeling of how being near the Dementor felt?
He ignored the part of the brain that says; but it felt so real.
But with those, there was always the feeling as if he can't escape the place where he's living his worst nightmares again and again and again anD AGAIN AND AGAIN! AND AGAIN! AG—
"Sirius" Startled, he almost dropped the spoon he was holding, just his muscle memory was keeping it that way. But he managed just in time to catch it; Quidditch had to count for something right; and that reminded him about James, and that reminded him about the rest of The Marauders, and that reminded him about their currently strained relationship.
'What relationship?' he thought bitterly.
"Sirius." Oh right, someone had called him. How did his thoughts get so jumbled up? No not 'How', 'When' would be a better quest—
"Sirius?" He blinked; huh he was still looking at the spoon.
"Sirius?" He finally met the worried gaze of Frank. Sirius blinked again, why would Frank be worried? It was not like he was sitting by Sirius side by free-will. Sirius knew that Alice, Frank's girlfriend, made him sit here.
"Are you okay?" Sirius grew confused, okay? Why wouldn't he be okay? He was not some fragile Victorian heroine. Sirius opened his mouth to dismiss the question, but what came out took them all by surprise,
"Just tired." Sirius's eyes widened, he quickly looked down as his ears burned, and red patched appeared on them. That was not what he had in mind.
But that doesn't mean that it's not true; sometimes he feels as if he was being weighed down, as if he was trying to walk up in a neck deep, muddy river.
He wonders absentmindedly, if this how Remus feels before the full moon.
"Maybe you should take a day off?" This time is was Dorcas who asked. He dragged his gaze from the plate to look at her. She continued looking vaguely concerned, "you know, rest the day?"
He arched an eyebrow.
"You look like an Inferi." She said blandly.
He shook his, "I'll manage." (No you won't) And gave them a smile that was just a stretch of skin; he didn't have the energy to muster up something real. He got up from the table, pretending he didn't see them exchange worried glances, and hoped to spend the few minutes left for the next class in a place less crowded. Less concerned glances.
On his way out, he didn't meet anyone's eyes. He feels like he's open raw; defenseless.
Frank watched Sirius disappear in the sea of people, with maybe more concern then that was needed. But after who knows what happened, and The Marauders became; three to one, Sirius had been looking more and more haggard.
Dorcas was not looking so much better; the normally aloof witch was watching Sirius like most people watched a sick puppy on the street. With concern, but the attitude of, maybe someone else will take care of it.
"Do you want to discuss what just happened?" Dorcas asked from beside him.
He was going to shake his head, and tell her to probably forget about it, because opening that door looked like something too big for them to handle. But when he thought about it, how big the problem must be for Sirius? He sighed. "Well, why not."
He was about to get up when Dorcas cached his hand, he slowly sat down and looked questioningly at her. She arched an eyebrow, he arched an eyebrow back. She sighed, "Privacy is good, but don't you think, leaving now after Sirius, while we looked concerned, and him drained, won't make anyone suspicious?"
"Good point but -" he then looks at the transparent bubble around them. Fran sighs, and asks, "How long did you have that up?"
Dorcas's smirk did not contain its usual mirth. "The second you had to call him for the third time."
And Frank was again filled with concern, because Sirius- "Sirius is a prankster, he plays Quidditch, he is a marauder." He took a deep breath; his brain was working faster than his mouth. "I Know he heard me, I saw his spoon almost dropping. So, why didn't he respond?" His mouth worked soundlessly for a few moments before he found his voice, "He responds to the questions asked of other people. He responds to the questions not asked at all."
Dorcas smirked, this time a little more genuinely. However you smirk genuinely that is.
But then she got serious. After a few moments she finally said slowly, as if she's still thinking about it, "He looked as if he for a moment had forgotten someone has even called his name."
Frank felt as if he had swallowed a lemon. Dorcas continued, "The first you called him- well because he looked like he was stuck in some sort of nightmare. He reacted, but didn't turn." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Then he looked as if-"
"He had forgotten all about me calling him?"
She nodded. Frank sighed and asked, "Did you see his face after I called him?" Frank didn't give her a chance to answer. "He looked as if he was remembering something, and then his face got all twisted up, and then he looked bitter."
"Bitter is not a good expression on Sirius Black." Dorcas murmured, and then she shook her head as if to bat those thoughts away. "And the second time you called him; he looked concerned and vaguely horrified."
Frank thumped his head on the table. Dorcas ignored him. He did not move. His voice muffed from the table, he said, "The third time, he looked as if he finally realized that he was looking at a spoon all this time."
"And the last and fourth time you called him, he finally looked at you, and he looked-" She hesitated. Dorcas Meadowes did not hesitate. Frank looked up from where his face was mashed against the table. She was giving him a long look, Frank sighed,
"I know, alright? I'm not stupid. He looked as if he thought I didn't care about him."
"He thinks you're here because your girlfriend said so."
Frank sighed."I may be here because Alice expressed her concerns about Sirius, but I'm also here because I care about him."
Dorcas snorted, "Try telling him that."
Frank sighed again "Did you see when he answered my question?" Dorcas nodded.
"None of us were expecting that answer, not even him." She blew out a breath. "His smile when he left?"
Frank shuddered. "That is not considered anything close to a smile." He closed his eyes and mashed his face with the table, again. "It was- it was just a- like- there was no emotion. It was just a stretch of skin. It's like he did it just for us."
It was Dorcas's turn to sigh.
After a few moments she murmured, "Tempus." Dorcas said, "Come on twenty minutes left for the classes to start."
Frank grunted, she patted his head, "I'll join Lily, she's been looking over at us oddly since Sirius left." She stood up, but Frank grabbed her wrist lightly. She gave him a curious look.
"Do you think I should go find Sirius?"
"Leave him be. He looks as if he needs time alone."
"He looks like he'd do something stupid if left alone." Her face softened, and she said,
"We'll go look for him in the free period. Okay?"
"Okay."
She turned to leave, and he lets her wrist go. "Doesn't it scare you?" Frank whispers, she doesn't turn, "The way we can read his face like an open book? He a Black for Merlins sake."
Dorcas sighed, and reminds him, "After potions." After a moment Frank nods, and then pauses in mid motion,
"Call Alice over for me!"
Dorcas salutes him without turning.
Lily Evans is normally not a suspicious type, but when you see; Potter, Remus and Pettigrew sitting without their resident member and not even looking at him once or cracking jokes. And Black looking exhausted and unwell, with the company of Longbottom and Dorcas, and they look concerned for Black. And when this has been going on for days, it's absolutely okay to be suspicious. And it's about The Marauders, in their case you should always be suspicious.
But not concerned. No she is not concerned for Black. Not today, not tomorrow, not in any alternative universe, not ever-
"Admit it; you are totally concerned for Sirius."
Lily thumps her head on the table, her voice muffed as she informs Marlene that she is not concerned about Black, but somehow the words change in between their journey between her brain and her mouth and what comes out instead is, "Okay. Maybe just a little bit."
Lily blinks, and then sighs; no use lying to yourself now. Marlene laughs.
Lily watched with narrowed eyes how Longbottom and Dorcas watch Black when he leaves. How Black looks like he needed to escape right that second. How the rest of The Marauders completely ignore Black's exit. How Potter bites his lip, but looks at Remus and sighs. How Pettigrew's eyes track Black leaving, and how he opens his mouth to say something but looks at Remus and shuts up. How Severus hasn't looked up from his plate, how he is burning in silent fury.
Lily watches everything, but she could do nothing because she doesn't know what the root of conflict is. All the dots she could connect were; something happened between Severus, Remus and Black. And its Black's fault. Normally Lily would make a comment about how obviously it's his fault, but no, not when Black looks like death warmed over.
But something still happened, something bad, and something so big that Headmaster Dumbledore is involved. Something so big that Potter and Pettigrew believe that they have no right to get in between. Something that makes Black look like- like- like, just like. Lily sighs, she has no word, Black just looks so unBlack like. And that for some reason makes Lily feel wrong.
And concerned for him apparently.
"Earth to Lily."
"Exactly where I don't want to be, life is getting so confusing; I'm concerned for Black."
Marlene sighs, and says softly, "I won't blame you there, Lils. Have you looked at him recently?"
"You know I did, but why does he look like that? What happened between the Marauders? Why are the other three behaving as if someone had died? Why-"
Marlene laughs, but Lily can tell it's a little forced. "Whoa there, Lils. Why don't you ask the man in question yourself?"
Asking Black? Lily hums, not a bad idea. If he doesn't answers, he doesn't. If he does, Lily finally gets some answers. For the first time this day Lily smiles genuinely. The other girl watches her warily, "You know what Marle? I think I will."
Marlene startles, and sits up straight hurriedly, and she looks horrified, "Lily, no! What are you thinking? I was joking!"
Lily shrugs, she has made up her mind. "You were. But I wasn't"
Before Marlene can say another word, Dorcas joins them. And Lily is a little glad because Marlene can be very persistence when she wants to be, and Lily needs answers; this has been going on for far too long.
While Dorcas is trying to wake up a sleeping Alice, Lily gives Marlene a long look that conveys her not to say anything about their earlier conversation. Marlene sighs but nods grudgingly. Their staring contest is broken when Dorcas shouts,
"Oi! Mrs. Longbottom, get up! You hubby's asking for you!" Alice looks faintly horrified as she wakes up, but she looks a little pleased too. Lily looks over to Frank to see somewhat same emotions on his face. Alice gives the three of them a little wave as she walks away to her boyfriend. And Lily looks a little wistfully because she- No, Lily mentally shakes her head; no time for boyfriend when there is school and matters unsolved.
But not for long as Lily is now on its tail. Nothing can stand between Lily and her desire to figure out what happened.
Well except, Potions.
With Slytherins.
Lily thumps her head on the table, again. Dorcas looks startled and Marlene watches them with wary amusement.
Authors Notes: 2,500 words, yay. I should probably write more. I'm going to finish this fic. Hopefully.
Parings that are probably going to come if this fic goes in the direction I want it to: James/Lily (Is their ship name Jilly? Cause that reminds me of jelly), Frank/Alice (do they have a ship name?) and Remus/Sirius (Obviously). Don't worry, I'll think of more couples.
Stay tuned for more concerned people.
