Children, there comes a time when everyone has to tell a story their not so proud of. This is one of those , stories. I cant tell you much but, i can say it involves me, a Spanish wrestler, a goat.. no wait the goats another story. A perfect family I had ( before this one , you guys are great too), a bad tan, a mustache, a perm i regret tremendously, Barney as a Matador, a Mexican Stand-off, some illegal narcotics ( by the way drugs are bad I never want to hear want to hear about either of you two taking them.)and in Barneys words everything was "legend" wait-for-it-because-theres-no-other-way-for-me-to-tell-this-awesome-adventure-in just-one-take-dary". Who am i kidding there's no way for me to just throw a few words together and expect you to understand what I'm talking about.

It all happened pretty fast, and at the time it was all to impress another pretty face

"Ugh, I give that a 6 out of 10 on a bang-o-meter" Barney makes a grimace face about a brunette standing at the bar with what seems to be a couple of work friends at happy hour. She wore a plaid pink and gray knee skirt, and light pink cashmere shirt that hugged her upper bodice wonderfully. He then turns his head right, in Teds direction," but good for you taking one for the team,hey, wing man high five" .He raises his hand awaiting a slap that would never come.

"Whats wrong with her Barney, she looks pretty hot" Marshall makes a quick observation. "not better than my Lily pad though"

"Marshall have I taught you nothing, and BTW i cant agree with you on Lily until Ive seen her naked and waiting in my bed" he quips " what say you bring her by my place right after i finish my scotch and bang my housekeeper" he raises his glass.

"OK my wife is plenty hot with clothes on , in fact i prefer her that way." Marshall wasn't lying about that, there were plenty of times as foreplay he'd like to have her wear some "Minnesota Long johns", snow boots, a viking hat and puffy coat you could see in any 90s film. And they play there little game called "find the kitty on lily." It was really quite disturbing, more so when he'd ask her to make moose or elk like noises. By the way this was in June, in our broken AC apartment.

"Thank you marshmallow," Lily says with a pleased expression. They then lean over to do their normal cutesy Eskimo kiss and as usual, disgust Barney.

"ugh the only time I wanna see a woman with clothes on in my bed is,..." he pauses to think" will i wouldn't"

"OK!, Barney your crazy that girl is smoking hot" Ted exclaims.

"yea tell him ted you don't care about looks its whats in the heart that matters." Lily pitches. Then Robin enters in to MacLarens ( which i failed to mention we were at) and sits down next to Barney.

"So what are we talking bout ? " she inquires, sitting her red leather Defano Jacket on the table with her.

"Oh cute coat" Lily says with her wide eyed for fashion."Thanks Lil, its from this new Designer whose all the rage in Paris, this is a one of a kind Defano leather jacket given to me after our interview him."

"so why does that girl have one too" she points out a pretty blonde with blue eyes and gorgeous smile .She was clearly wearing the same exact red leather " one of a kind" Delano jacket. She was standing in the back of the bar between the restrooms and jukebox. Surrounded by a few guys buying her drink ,stroking her hair ,admiring her coat and of course trying to hit on her. Robin looks back and smiles "excuse me for one moment "She gets up from her seat and takes off towards her.

"What is so wrong with her Barney, shes everything you look for in a girl, tipsy, has friends, cute face ,nice body-"

"Blah blah blah ," Barney interrupts "clearly you ONLY! see the looks. Have you not heard her laugh. Sorry but any chick i want to call me daddy by the end of the night cant sound like cross breed between a horse, pig and baby bear"

"when did you hear her laugh?" Ted ask with a confused look.

Just then Robin sits back down, this time holding two Defano jackets. One ripped to shreds and the other one hers. "Sorry, now what are we talking about? "

" please tell me she wasn't wearing that, when you! happened to her?"

she chuckles and shrugs her shoulders "Ted..come on"

"shes hot Barney why cant you see that?" Ted continues on to his previous conversation ignoring the possiblity she may have assulted a woman.

"whose hot..?" Robin asks

'Oh pink sweater and plaid skirt, drinking with friends " answers Lily.

Robin looks over towards the bar "I..Dunno I'd give that a 6 out of 10 on the bang-o-meter" She replies.

Barney Jerks in agreement "Thank you, Robin..clearly i need to exchange in Teds wing man card "

"Barney!"

"I'm sorry buddy your on the bench til further notice" barney remarks .

He looks over towards the young lady and for a moment they link eyes.
"I'm gonna go talk to her." Ted stands up and walks towards the bar and introduces himself to the young lady in Cashmere and Plaid.

He leans up on the chair next to the mystery woman he's fond over since she entered the bar. She turns around and smiles at him showing a bit a of an underbite but nothing serious.. her eyes brows thick but hes only looking directly into her green Iris. Ted opens his mouth and says." Hi, let me buy you your next drink"

And children that's all i remember, when i finally awoke from what seemed like days later of a complete drunken black out. I found myself in An unknown location. I had no recollection of how I ended up over 2,000 miles from my home. I also had a "super glued!" on mustache ,a deep orange tan that seemed it would never fade and a grossly outdated perm.

Ted awakens from a severe and what seemed a never ending hangover with a bottle of tequila in one hand and an empty burlap sack in another. He arises from a queen sized bed missing it's sheets and comforters and only a pancho covering himself. The sounds of a busy bustling city with people's car horns blurring and speaking in their custom language .He could make out a few words but, only those that were short and decisive. He looks to his left to see an open window with the head of a burro neighing at him. He looked around inside of the motel room he found himself at..the carpet a deep emerald color, was dusty and stained with mud . The ceiling low with dim lights ,a few of the bulbs broken like they had been shot out . The walls a cream color and some what faded or coated with film from cigarette smoke, he couldn't make out which at the moment. There was also a few other things he took into account. Broken glass from bottles ;beer and liquor alike, a busted bathroom sink and the door hanging off it's hinges. A small kitchenette with a burned thru pot on the stove and when he looked to his left he saw a taupe chair and familiar face."Barney?" .

Barney was in a matador outfit also nursing a bottle of tequila in one hand and a strange woman in another.
"not so loud" he attempts to whisper." you'll wake up uh..uh" he pokes the woman and she awakens yawning from her sleeper state. " Whats your name ?" he ask

"Miyana" she replies in a sweet and flushed voice."Miyana..you'll wake Miyana" he says

"where are we? and why do i have a sack while you have" he pauses and points with his burlap in had" a Miyana?"

"My dearest Ted don't you remember her from the wedding" he responds" she was the bride"

"Barney where are we?"

"look outside" he says with a smug look ,that could only mean trouble. Ted leaps from the bed and quickly opens the door. He sees men women and children all speaking Spanish, a few people entertaining on the street serenading passbyers and looking for tips ,a man pulls the burro from the window and walks away excusing himself. There's a fountain with statues of naked people spouting out water from their mouths and other unmentionable body parts ,a few yards away from there some people are sitting and looking at maps clearly visitors to a native land and looking for something to do . There's vendors of people selling anything from food like churros and tacos to clothes like sandals panchos and hanging in the center and straight ahead was a huge welcome sign saying

la bienvenida a la ciudad de México

He quickly slams the door and turns to look at Barney. "Where in Mexico. Why are we in Mexico Barney?

Barney rolls he eyes and sighs " Ted do you not recall when your Doppelgänger came into MacLarens?"
"If i recalled, why would i be asking ?" he says ambivalent.
"Calm Down, nothing a little tequila cant fix,here take mines" he reaches his arm out to offer a swig of the alcoholic beverage that was left.
"I don't want your Tequila, i want answers" ted says fiercely.
"Fine" Barney sighs disappointed " I know this may come as a shock to you ,but your actually a funnier guy when your total shit faced drunk. Anyways" he starts" whats the last things you remember?"
Ted thinks for a second , flashes of memories were coming to him .A party, no the wedding. A plane, no it was obviously a private jet. Maybe a Bull.. why would there be a bull. Then again why was Barney in a Matador outfit. A ring of chickens and men shouting. Was i at a cock fight?.. focus he thinks to himself, a crowd of people screaming Teodor.. a bar Drinks, drinks a girl , plaid pink, MacLarens that's it.
"MacLarens pub, the girl in plaid i was talking to." He answer's.
"Ooh, really" Barney face makes a tight wince." Wow that was like 2 days ago"
"WHAT?" ted shouts at his seeming calm friend.
"Yea , you were talking to that 3 chick "
"i thought you said 6" ted says
"yea i gave her an 8 after we had a drinks and when you introduced us but, that laugh man" he shrugs" cant shake it, and it was so much worse than i thought" he begins to standup removing the Miyana in her wedding gown from his lap.
Yea i was being generous with that 6 had to take it back" he says" Anyways you were talking with her for a while, and you guys were throwing back shots like kids at a frat party just back to back to .."
"i get it Barney continue"
"Will you came back to the table and introduce us to her completely in a drunken stoop-er, where all talking and drinking then suddenly the most profound and beautiful thing happens" Barney smiles " He! walks in " Barneys dazes off
"he whose he?" Ted coax for an answers
"Robot Wrestler...Ted!"
"no way" ted said amazed
"yes way and it was awesome"
"not legendary"
"Ted this whole trip has been legend" wait-for-it-because-theres-no-other-way-for-me-to-tell-this-awesome-adventure-in just-one-take-dary. Lengendary."
"Barney I don't remember anything, so how can it be legendary"
"dude i recorded it"
"really?" Ted figuratively almost wanted to jump out of his skin. Maybe from being excited ,wanting to see what he couldn't remember. Then again he thought ,he was also to nervous to know what happened.

"yea! ,but then Miyana and myself decided to make a little home video and we needed the tape"
"so ,recorded over it?"
"yea, but,if it puts your mind at ease. I really...debated hard about doing it"
"it doesn't" Ted says melancholy "but please continue.
"Will after Sr Gucho walked in we all started taking pics, pounding back more shots and 1 girl.."
"3..i mean 6"
"ted..come on"
"go on"
"she starts noticing how similar your two look and starts making weird suggestions like.. oh you should go get a tan and oh you'd look great with a mustache and why not get a perm too, you could totally be twinsies" he mimicks her with his womanly impression
he snarks " twinsies how weird is that right"
"Barney!"
"Will so you go get the hair job ,we super glue some hair on your upper lip get you a spray tan. Five hours and two days later wham-bamo where in Mexico, your Sr. Gucho happily married with 2 kids and I'm able to live out one of my fantasies from my Play Book ;Casanova Ricardo" he says with a slight Spanish accent.

"Wait what happily married?"

Just like clock work, there's a knock at the door. Ted hesitates for a quick second, realizing nothing good ever happens after hes finally awoken from a hangover. He quickly turns the knob to answer the door.
Standing in-front of him a beautiful Hispanic woman .5'6 ,dark black hair, high cheek bones of rose colored and black eyes with running mascara as if to be crying for some time and a petite frame.
In her arms she holds a little girl no older than 10 months and beside her almost sort of hiding behind her long blue skirt a little boy about 7 years of age. And a perfect resemblance of herself.

She smiles and rushes towards him arms open. "Fernando you've come home" she cries out joyfully.
Ted looks back towards Barney who in returns gives him the thumbs up.
He looks at him ,then at the woman holding him with the children in Arm and has a serious moment, when he realized hes made a huge mistake.