Disclaimer: We our obligated by court order to tell you that this novel is not affiliated with nor written by Amanda Bynes. The events in the story are facts as far as the author knows. All of the events in the story are taken from well-known sources (such as and the "What the buck show") and are to the authors knowledge 100 % true. This novel is written for the enjoyment of others and shall not be reproduced, copied nor criticized by the owner. Amanda Bynes is a registered trademark of Viacom enterprises. This novel is a work of art and all grammatical errors are intentional. Viewer discretion is advised but not enforced. Introduction: It was the 80s. My mother was at the hospital impatiently waiting for me to be liberated from my meat prison. At exactly 11:56 A.M April 3rd 1986, I was born. I busted out of my mother's womb to be greeted by an eager audience. They quickly grabbed me and washed my body from the horrific stench of my mother's womb liquids and placenta. I was only 3 minutes old but I already knew what I was born to do. I was born to be white. When my parents took me home they immediately knew I was special and that in no time I would be making them millions. At the age of 7 my parents threw me out of moving car and landed me in acting camp! All the teachers praised my acting skills and the students worshiped me. At the age of 10 I stared in the show "all that". The audience loved me and I loved being loved. In 1998 I sold my soul to the devil and got my very own TV show! But the joke was on him because I don't have a soul. Before I knew it was starring in many movies such as "Big fat liar" "what a girl wants" and others. I was now making more money than I ever had in my entire life! But In 2010 I decided I didn't want to be an actress anymore so I retired. I packed my bags and moved to New York where I live now. Chapter One: The time I almost died of starvation I awoke. I looked around my room and saw nothing of interest. I walked to my kitchen to get some breakfast. When I opened the fridge I noticed there was no bread. I need bread. I was now going to starve. I collapsed onto the floor and waited for my body to die. About an hour later my cleaning lady, Consuela, had come in and saw me on the floor. Consuela: Señorita bynes, what happened? – She said in broken English and a worried tone. Me: Did you bring bread from the store like I asked you? Consuela: Yes I did Me: Than everything is fine Me: Just leave the bread on the table, I need some alone time with it. Oh by the way did anyone ask about me in supermarket? Consuela: no Me: I'm sorry could you say that in English Consuela: no Me: Thank god. Thanks for getting the bread, now go away. I grabbed the bread and fled to my room. There I indulged and ate the whole thing. After I finished the sweet bread of life I noticed there were now crumbs all over the floor… Me: Consuela! Consuela quickly entered my room like a Mexican acrobat. Consuela: Yes Ms. Bynes Me: There are crumbs all over the floor, could you clean them up? – I said pointing at the mess Consuela: Right away Ms. Bynes. Me: Thank you- I said while walking out the room into the living room. I sat on the couch and wondered what to do… Me: Well might as well watch some T.V. Let's see what's on: Television: Narrator: This time on the real house wives of P.R Juanita finds out she's pregnant, Rosa gets lost at Costco and Maria does zumba in a desperate attempt at losing weight. Back at Juanita's house: Juanita: Pedro I have something to tell you… Pedro: Did your mom finally die of osteoporosis? Juanita: No… I'm pregnant! Pedro I'm having your babies. Pedro: This is so unexpected; in fact this is so unexpected that I expected it! Everyone, come out! Family: Surprise! Juanita: What is this? Pedro: It's a baby shower! Juanita: But how did you know I was pregnant? Pedro: My paternal instinct told me. Juanita: Really? Pedro: Nah production told me when you confessed it to Rosa. Juanita: Oh… Back to Rosa: Rosa: This place is so huge, where am I. Employee: You're at Costco! How may I help you? Rosa: How can I get out of here? Employee: But you can't leave… Rosa: What do you mean… - she said in a scared tone. Employee: I said you can't leave before you hear about our new rewards program! You see every time you shop at Costco you could save… Rosa: Oh no! I'll never get out of here! Back to Maria: Maria: Why am I so fat… Narrator: That's it for today on the real house wives of P.R. Me: Wow T.V nowadays is great! I can't wait to start watching keeping up with the kardashians!