PART ONE
Nintendo sixty-FOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR!!!!!!!!!
-old African proverb
Kaname thoughtfully scratched her ass and pulled back the curtains from the bedroom window. "Another day of rain, it looks like". The dark-haired bulldyke let a single tear of angst fall down her manly cheeks. "Just as rainy as my pitch-black soul." She surveyed the surroundings outside, and decided that today was an excellent day to write a fanfic and post it on her deadjournal.
"What are you up to, Kaname?" The brown-haired Momomi asked. Apparently she's Italian or something, I dunno. Anyway she's some kind of filthy non-dark haired gaijin. Is Astraea even in Japan? No one looks Asian there so it's kinda weird. "Hey Momomi," Kaname replied, "do you remember when I force-fed you that ear of corn and then ravaged you anally with the cob afterwards? It was a very spiritual experience for me and I decided to write a story inspired by those events."
She got to writing right away:
"Once upon a time, there was this pretty pretty princess named Kaname. She was very pretty and not emo at all, and she was popular and had lots of friends and had a level 75 Tauren shaman on World of Warcraft and everyone respected her for that. She went to this highschool called St. Spica Hogwarts Lesbian School of Wizardry and Snape Slash fiction which was like Spica except it was in an alternate universe where Mickey Mouse gives Kaname the keyblade instead of Sora. Anyway the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was a sugoi prince named Amane."
Momomi quizzically looked at Kaname. "Hey, can I proofread it when you're done?" "NOT UNTIL YOU'VE SCRUBBED ALL THE FLOORS IN HYRULE" her partner responded.
"So it was time for Kaname's Herbalism class. In Herbalism class they smoke pot. She walked to class with a girl named Momomi who was like Hermione except slightly more lame. They got to Herbalism class and were shocked to discover that Shion was going to be the substitute teacher for today. 'zomg Toumori ojou-sama I can't beleve ur da teechr 4 2day.' Kaname said. 'lolol I no rite? Innit craaaazy? Wwwww' the blond-haired disembodied forehead said in response. 'Newayz class it is tiem for da herbalism. Pull out ur bongs.' So everyone did and got hella hungry afterwards, it was berserker. After class, Kaname and Hermimomi were about to go to Taco Bell but Shion told them to stay after class. 'y u need us 4 Shion-san?' they asked. 'I dunno lol. But neways it is time for ur AFTER CLASS LESSON.' OMG. So Shion took her pants off and it turned out she was in a fursuit. She was a kitsune like Tails except hotter and more kawaii. Kaname got into her raccoon suit and they started yiffing on the teacher's desk. It turned out that Shion had an eggplant in her pocket so she started doing Kaname in the bellybutton with it. Well Momomi got really jealous because it wasn't a threesome, so she called Tamao-chan on her pervert-dar and said 'hey tamao chan wanan hav da buttsecks?' and Tamao-chan said "NO" because Tamao-chan was the headmaster of Hogwarts. So Momomi died and Kaname and Shion were really happy. Anyway they both came and it was time for Kaname to go to her Defense Against the Dark Arts class, so she quickly got out of her fursuit and ran to class. Well she was still sweaty and sticky from the eggplant so when the hot sugoi prince Amane saw her, he totally wanted her. Oh also Amane was a boy in Hogwarts because he is a boy on the inside and in hogwarts all your dreams come true.
'wow kaname ur so hawt 2day. Hotter than usual lol'
'I no rite. Anyway momomi died so im kinda sad……………………….NOT LOL'
'lol ur so funny kaname. Its to bad im with Hikari so I cant really be wit u. it's a shame 2 becuz ur the most popular girl in shchool n stuff and im a hot sexxxy prince.'
Then all of a sudden, Roukujou-san came crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid man. 'I CAN FIX THAT!' she shouted at the perplexed prince and princess. 'O RLY' Amane said. 'YA RLY JUST TAKE THIS DYNAMITE AND STUFF IT IN HER MOUTH AND SHE'LL DIE'. So Amane did that and Hikari died and everyone except Yaya was happy. But no one cares about Yaya so its ok.
'wow Kaname now that Hikari is dead I hav seen the light and now I love u more than any other person in the whole wide world and because of this now I type a little better lol' the horse-riding Prince joyously exclaimed. His hair softly swayed in the wind and he called for Star Bride to come. So Star Bride came, all over Amane, and everyone laughed. Kaname and Amane got on Star Bride and started riding over to Gensyoko so they could have cross-over buttsecks with Marisa and Alice. But they got tired of riding Star Bride so they found an abandoned cave by Hagrid's hut and decided to stay there for the night. Then a thunderstorm came so they had to stay in the cave.
'Wow its 2 bad we haff to stay in this cave with nothing to do D:' Kaname said.
'yeah I know its sooo boring here and we're stuck all alone, just the two of us with no chance of anyone walking in here on us.'
'yup'
'yup'
Then Kaname cried a little. 'AMANE-SAMA WHY DIDN'T U EVER CONSIDER MY FEELINGS WHEN U BEAT THOSE TOURNAMENTS INSTEAD OF ME'
'wait what?'
'I FEEL SO ANGSTFUL RIGHT NOW. HOW COULD U?'
'where the fuck did that come from?' Amane confusedly asked. Then Kaname ran outside of the cave in the thunderstorm and made it so her white dress was seethrough. So Amane ran out after her and was like 'WAIT KANAME I LOOOVE YOUUUU'.
'omg you do?'
'Yeah totally'
'I luff you too Amaneeeeee '
'Wanna have buttsecks?'
'Sure.'
Then Kaname and Amane ran into the cave. First Amane put handcuffs on Kaname because she kinda liked it that way and Momomi would never do that for her. Then she got gagged so she couldn't scream for help and it was totally hot. Then Amane put on his robe and wizard hat and they started having totally hot bishie buttsecks."
"Wow, Kaname, you've been writing that fanfic for a while now" Momomi said, trying to peer over Kaname's shoulder.
"Get off me nigga, I said you couldn't proofread it. Damn."
"I'm sorry Kaname, please don't send me to the bad place again."
Anyway, Kaname had become overpowered with lust while writing her sugoi fanfic, so she went to go take a bath. But because she knew that she and Amane could never be together, she took a razor and decided to cut down the road instead of across the street like she usually did.
Five hours later, Momomi entered the bathroom to discover Kaname's body in a tub of ice, her kidneys missing.
