restrospect

subtitle: WHAT THEY DID AFTER HE ABANDONED THEIR HEARTS AND LEFT

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chapter 1: the lovelies and the love lies

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WARNING!! MAJOR SPOILERS UP AHEAD if you are watching Shippuuden and have not kept up with the current manga plot.

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He had come home. Finally come home.

No, not the one who had run away – that one, the idiot. The blond one with blue eyes and no desire for social graces. She was happy to see him, yes, but she wanted to walk away like she didn't know him, yeah.

"You're not ready, are you?"

Talking to herself again. But it's not silent, it's never silent when she wants it to be. Emptiness echoes back to her. Like an abyss – tempting her with the company of the miserable.

She shook her head. "God, I'm fucking crazy."

She put on a smile and went to greet him.

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5 WEEKS LATER – JUNE 24

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"And have you seen the Hokage Mountain? They put Shishou's face on it!"

"Mm, mm!" Chewing some ramen. "So, so—" Swallows. "—how d'ya think my face'll look up there?"

"Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves, alright?"

Naruto waved his chopsticks at her. "Why not? I think about it all the time, ya know."

She laughs and agrees, but deep down inside, she thinks his dreams are trivial. Child-like.

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When did she start writing a diary? Sakura didn't know. Seven years old – no, nine. It was a stereotypical young girl's thoughts and the first entry was only four words long, though it took the courage of a thousand warriors.

I love Uchiha Sasuke.

The next:

Do you think he loves me back? If he doesn't, he will fall in love with me, because I am the princess of the story, and he is the valiant prince. Princesses are always lady-like and mature and understanding, so I have to be more girly, like Ino. I have to get prettier clothes and longer hair, since princes like long hair. Haven't you ever heard of Rapunzel? I have to hide my forehead, since princesses do not have large foreheads. I hope that he will like me when I start to change myself, because he probably does not even know I exist right now. I want to live happily ever after with him. Isn't it romantic?

The writing is frantic. She felt ensnared yet attached, a queasy, nauseous feeling that erupted in her heart with scrambled glee.

Her mother had once described this feeling to her – "a fairy dream."

"What are fairy dreams?"

"They're the dreams that make you feel truly alive again. Haven't you ever had those before, Sakura?"

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Sakura stopped wearing pants after she started writing in her diary. She started wearing dresses, particularly red ones, to match the headband that Ino had given her oh-so-long-ago. She began rejecting meat – fatty foods, and would only eat fruit or a piece of vegetable.

Her parents became concerned. "Why are you doing this to yourself, Sakura? What's wrong with doing the things you used to like?"

"Mom, I'm trying to catch up to Ino! She's had all these years to be really girly and popular with the guys, and I've only really started now. So now I have to act like a girl as much as possible!"

Her mother raised an eyebrow. "Since when," she said, "was acting a substitute for living?"

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Sakura remembered her eighth birthday with surprising clarity.

Ino had showed up on the front step, seeped from head to toe from the vicious rainstorm that pounded on any living soul that dared venture outside. Yet here Ino was, a soggy package in hand with the scribbled, melting words "To Haruno Sakura – Happy Birthday" on it.

The birthday girl didn't quite know how to react. She stared at her friend for a while, until Ino shouted, "Are you going to let me in or not?" and pushed her way in.

"Here's your present, Forehead," Ino said indifferently, tossing the flimsy paper-covered gift to Sakura. The present was drenched to the point that the wrapping paper flew off the box in mid-air, landing in Sakura's waiting hands with a slightly damp "plop."

The box was hurriedly torn open, and Sakura peered inside. She lifted the offending item with shielded disgust.

"You came all this way…to give me a pen?"

"Not just a pen. A pink fountain pen, writes lavender ink. Kinda weird, no?"

Sakura looked at Ino incredulously. "But…what would I use it for? I can't use this for school – Sensei'd kill me."

The blonde scoffed. "Why use it in school? You'd probably lose it. No, you have a diary, right? The one you never write in? Well…why not start."

"I guess…"

"So have a towel anywhere? I'm freezing."

Ino…why a pen? You know I'd never be a writer.

As if reading her mind, Ino spun around, a grin on her face and a finger in the air. "Because that's what friends do – they give presents they know will never be used."

No…that's what girls do, real girls at least. And Sakura found this ulterior explanation faintly sufficient.

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2 YEARS AGO – AT THE TIME OF THE SASUKE RETRIEVAL MISSION

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"Please…bring him back…Naruto…"

Torment. That night, she couldn't sleep. Of course Naruto would bring him back. Of course. Have a little faith, Sakura, breathe, breathe.

But she wouldn't know how to react even if Sasuke did come back anyway.

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"Sakura…"

There were bags under her eyes, bloodshot veins from lack of sleep. She didn't even comb her hair that morning when she heard the team was back. She had rushed to the hospital, drowsiness not quite gone yet. Her heart dropped when she saw Naruto all bandaged up; it dropped even more when she heard Sasuke's retrieval was not accomplished.

She simply smiled that beautiful spring smile, that amazingly fake smile, and said, "Let's open the windows, shall we? It's getting kind of warm in here."

But she couldn't look Naruto in the eyes.

If my heart dropped any further, would it be in hell?

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A LITTLE BEFORE PRESENT TIME

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Her more recent diary entries were surprisingly devoid of emotion. They were simple sentences – she was not an artist. That's right. Artists are not people who act, they are people who become.

Sunday, June 26

4:09 AM

I came back from a successful mission today. Tsunade gave me the paperwork to fill in and I completed them. Then Ichiraku's without Naruto. Do I like ramen now? If so, that's kind of creepy.

Saw Konohamaru on the way back to my apartment. Talked to him a little – said Naruto didn't come to see him, like he usually does on Saturdays. Asked if Naruto is okay? I said I don't know, he's probably busy. Watched Konohamaru practice throwing shuriken for a while – his aim is actually better than Naruto's. Guess he isn't really that much like him anyway (or is he?).

I came home at 6 PM, made dinner, watched TV, did laundry, more TV

drank some coffee which tasted surprisingly shittier than usual tasted like leaves all crumpled up and shivering in the autumn

more TV some show about a lady and her long lost love and how they love each other and how in the end it was all okay and they still love each other but really it's pointless and they acted horribly I could have done better couldn't I

at 2 AM I

was alone

and…

(ink blots)

is emotion supposed to be painful?

Two years of this same day. Does God think it's fair?

Sakura slammed the book shut, then looked at her hands in fear through her tear-glazed eyes.

Lavender ink-smudged.

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SASUKE would have loved me if I couldn't act. NARUTO would have hated me if I couldn't act.

So why did I act?

Why do I act?

Because?

of course you know why, Sakura

it's the only goddamn thing you know how to do

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Sunday, January 26

11:52 PM

Sasuke.

Please come home.

so you can start hating me again

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3 YEARS AGO – THE BEGINNING OF HARUNO SAKURA'S APPRENTICESHIP UNDER THE GREAT TSUNADE

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Sakura's handwriting is not neat. It's almost undecipherable, a scrawl of a wild beast.

When Tsunade saw this, she did a double take and almost regretted taking the girl up as her apprentice. Almost.

"S-SAKURA!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??"

Tsunade's voice is easy to decipher. Sakura counted a hyphen, three exclamation points, and two question marks.

"Sorry…"

"…get a type-writer."

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The machine was bulky, ponderous. Her hands awkward and slight.

Tuesday, October 31

10:41 PM

Typing at the pace of snails.

Tsunade-sama told me to get a tpyebackspacebackspacebackspace typewriter. As you can see (or not see) Ubackspace I am not very good at typing Itbackspacebackspace . It is very hard and Imbackspace I'm not very good at hitting all the right keys but hopefully Tsuande-samabackspaaaaaaace Tsunade-sama will not have to worry about my horrible handwriting anymore.

More like complain about it.

God I'm so fcking tired.

So I guess diary will be a compilation of white paper, black letters.

The days of bound pink sheets and lovely lavender ink are over.

You know wwhat?

(handwritten) I don't know.

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3 YEARS, 26 WEEKS, 4 DAYS, 9 HOURS, 48 MINUTES LATER – PRESENT TIME – JULY 2

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"Sakura-chaaaaaaan!"

The familiar voice traveled down the hall. Sakura picked her head up from the typewriter, the letters "F, G, H" imprinted on her forehead backwards. She must have fallen asleep from the night before. Standing up, she unscrolled the sheet of paper from the typewriter and shoved it in the nearest drawer.

"Coming!"

The door swung open. Naruto's exuberant face beamed at Sakura's tired expression.

"Sakura-chaaaaan! I got a present for you."

She opened it with the same roughness she treated all gifts. A beautiful, emerald-studded necklace fell out onto her lap, the green gems gleaming in the stray sunlight that made it past the curtains. To match her eyes, see. But her eyes are sea-green.

"Remember you said you wanted it for your birthday like three years ago? Well, I know it's a little late, but I didn't have enough money back then, so I thought I'd save up and last week I got enough so I bought it for you." Naruto meekly looked at the necklace in her lap. "Hope you like it."

Sakura stared. The present, Naruto, the present, Naruto, the present, Naruto. The present, her hands. She didn't – couldn't – understand.

"God, I'm so fucking tired—!" She buried her face in her hands (of you being nice to me) hoping, hoping that maybe he was stupid enough to not notice? (that she was crying of course goddammit does she even know why she's crying again)

"Hey, hey…" He wasn't going to ask if she was okay, it was obvious she was not. He was about to feel her forehead for her temperature, but stopped when he saw something.

"F……G…H."

Sakura looked up, and rubbed her moistened hands together.

"From God's hands?" Naruto looked hopeful.

She shook her head. "Feigning gravity helps." But… "Thank you. I mean, the necklace. I really like it."

She hugged him, held him tight, tight, tight, and hoped he'll never have to fall down.

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(why, naruto, do you stand by me when even I myself won't?)

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July 3 (she stopped writing the time)

Naruto probably knows more about me than I do.

That's kind of scary.

But it makes sense.

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July 4

And what did I ever give back to him? Who was I to decide what should be DREAMED, don't we all have our own dreams and he was brave enough to keep his?

Maturity is in the eyes of the beholder – for once, I'm glad I was wrong.

(From God's hands? What the hell does that mean?)

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July 5

I didn't hate him before. I didn't even think he was stupid.

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July 6

Just I thought he was an idiot to love me, and that he wouldn't really have truly accepted me into his heart

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(continued July 7)

if he knew that I ACTED EVERDAY

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(continued July 8)

like an arrogant girl, like a fucking prima donna.

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(continued July 9)

Maybe I was just scared that he understood me, what the façade meant. But if I knew any better, I wouldn't have been so afraid.

Naruto and Sasuke

The only two people who knew who I am and yet I didn't know it?

(how could I not know? what did I think they meant to me, back then?)

So do you think I still love Sasuke?

I might, if the rain wouldn't fall so hard.

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(July 10)

"Maybe I was just scared that he understood me, what the façade meant. But if I knew any better, I wouldn't have been so afraid.

Naruto and Sasuke

The only two people who knew who I am and yet I didn't know it?

(how could I not know? what did I think they meant to me, back then?)

So do you think I still love Sasuke?

I might, if the rain wouldn't fall so hard."

She read it the next day, and crossed it all out - angry scribbles. She was embarrassed by what she had written.

God I'm crazy.

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3 MONTHS LATER

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"Orochimaru is dead."

Ding! Dong!

The witch is dead!

"And it seems that Uchiha Sasuke…had killed him."

So what does that make him? The lady or the tiger?

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SEPTEMBER 28 – THE DAY HARUNO SAKURA RECEIVED THE NEWS THAT HER FORMER TEAMMATE, UCHIHA SASUKE, HAD KILLED HIS MENTOR, OROCHIMARU, ANOTHER OF THE LEGENDARY SANNIN

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September 28

Sakura stared at the keys of her typewriter for a while, dumbstruck by the audacity of blank whiteness. Ten minutes later, she started to write. In ink. With a pen. On pink paper. What does this all add up to; what does this all make me? She couldn't figure it out. (Does this mean I'm not an actress anymore?)

She read her work out loud to herself when she was done, murmuring and slurring the words together like water, hot drops of rain in an ice-cold river.

"Uchiha Sasuke, here are a few questions I would like to ask you, even though you are not here with me and probably will never read them. Just let them linger in the air for a moment like you are listening.

Did I ever choose to let you go? (you probably want to know why I'm still chasing you)

Did you ever choose to want your life? (you probably want to know why in general)

Uchiha Sasuke

Now what?

I await your next move."

The next morning she took all 407 pages of her diary and burned them.

She only had two words to say that left her lips in a whisper.

"Funeral pyre."

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(Phoenixes had all the fun, now, didn't they?)

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SEPTEMBER 24 – THE DAY UCHIHA SASUKE DEFEATED HIS MENTOR, OROCHIMARU, AND PROVED HE WAS STRONGER EVEN THAN ONE OF THE LEGENDARY SANNIN

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"No more."

Sasuke stood over the serpentile, withered body of his teacher, Orochimaru.

"No more fire."

"I don't want to burn souls of the dead anymore."

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tbc.

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A/N:

-Symbolism and reading in between the lines. Don't tell me it's weird or incomprehensible, because I know.

-On the bright side, I somewhat revised it, since after reading it for the first time in 3 months, I realized that not even I could understand some of what was going on anymore. :P So I tried my best in making it better, sue me if I didn't.

-And read the shit in italics. It's important.