Out of the Loop

Disclaimer: I do not own Martin Mystery, related Personnel & Entities or The Centre, the 42nd Highlanders, or the MIB for that matter. These are used without permission for purely entertainment purposes. I DO, however, own the one long-lost field agent, two office schmoes and three Leviathan victims, along with a wee bonnie girl of three and a boy on the way (in story, I'm a terminal bachelor.)

Description: When one is away for ten years, one tends to miss a lot: office reorganizations, cafeteria menu adjustments, that sort of thing. But what happens when one misses something important?

Authors Note: Mr. MacTavish left on New Years Eve, so he would know of the "Christmas Village" debacle. Insert Scottish accent where fits, I'm not bothering (well, maybe a little).

Chapter 1: Concerning Stepsiblings

Dec. 20th, 2010 CE

In the dark and sterile sea of desks and consoles that was The Centre there was something strangely out of place. Between the glow of computer monitors and vague dimensions of this place of paranormal inquiry one could notice a man with dark brown hair and a four-day beard dressed in clothes not usually seen in this location. In fact, he looked like something straight out of the Napoleonic War, in the period uniform of the 42nd Highlanders to be exact. He had a feather in his bonnet and a kilt aboon' the knee, a musket with a long, thin bayonet in one arm and his aforementioned furry headgear in the other to go with his red uniform jacket.

The desk workers stared at the man; those that once knew him ran up to him screaming happily, some not bothering to avoid the bayonet. He was Gary MacTavish, field agent, but also late of the 42nd Highlanders, having spent the last ten years in the early 19th century, from 1805 to 1815. He had been investigating several disappearances outside Edinburgh, when he was sucked up in the samephenomena asthey were, landed in the past, and was drafted right into the peninsular war. After Waterloo, he had just reappeared in the same field, only now it was almost totally built up with condominiums. He had found the missing persons... mostly dead.

Now he was back, and was supposed to head to the Employee Resources Department, but since it had moved, he wound up in a gymnasium. He then bothered to ask someone and found the right door. He walked in, and almost immediately the clerk hid under his desk at the sight of an armed Scot. The man... if you could call him a MAN, being in fact one of the infamous 'Greys', hid until Gary actually looked under the desk.

"Are you going to stay there all day, or are you going to bloody help me?" The uniformed man asked. He helped the alien out from under the desk, asking his name.

"Eh'nook'mar, but they just call me Mars around here." Said the grey in a croaky accent. Gary sighed in relief that the grey spoke English, having almost forgotten all the Mintarian he ever learned, plus a horse had stepped on and crushed his Universal Translator in 1809.

"Well, sorry about scaring you, but M.O.M told me at the debriefing to come here. I need reassigning" Mars sat back down at his console and began typing. "Well, you'll have to wait a while, it's not easy to find replacements for agents like the Mysteries you know."

This caught Gary's attention, because he knew only one person with that particular surname. "Mysteries, as in plural?"

"Yes, you heard right: Martin Mystery got married." stated Mars as he continued typing.

Gary just looked stunned, but finally managed to say something. "Wonder of wonders, its finally happened! The egotistical ASS finally found someone to tame him. When did this happen?"

"Four years ago this February, and what are you talking about, Martin doesn't act like that?"

Gary sighed. "Apparently you weren't here when I met him. It was 10 years ago today, right before Ms. Lombard's infamous 'Christmas from Hell' if memory serves. I had been briefed for my assignment. On my way out I met Mr. Mystery, Ms. Lombard and Java. Diana seemed attracted to me, while Mystery promptly began flirting with a passing secretary." Gary sat down on one of the chairs. "I know, I know: That was just the 'dumb kid' inherent in all his age, but his record speaks volumes;" at this point Gary began to count on his fingers "Cocky to a fault, overconfident, vain, an ego the size of Northumbria; I'm surprised he's lived this long."

Gary took a complimentary juice box from a table, murmuring a compliment at the better conditions in the waiting area. "So," asked Gary as he removed the straw "who's the poor unfortunate that had to shrink Martin's ego?" Gary poked the straw in and began drinking.

Mars, continuing to type, said two words in a completely conversational tone.

"Diana Lombard."

Gary never got to taste his juice, as the airflow promptly changed course and made the box explode. "Diana Lombard?" squeaked Gary in a voice containing elements of both helium inhalation and the thought of impending castration as grape juice dripped down his nose. "Diana Lombard? As in Mystery's partner, as in his total opposite, as in his FRIGGIN' STEPSISTER?" Gary's voice had risen to a frantic scream

"The one and only." Replied Mars as he calmly continued to type.

Gary slumped back in his chair. "How did THIS happen? I remember them being at each others throats!"

"Well," began Mars as he actually stopped typing, "there's always been talk of a high-level conspiracy to create the ideal agent, but it's also always been denied. M.O.M, Billy, the Martians, my people: If you can name them, they've denied being involved."

He took a drink of water "More likely it's just how Martin and Diana tell it: subtle glances, touching of finger tips, playing hard to get; not much that wouldn't be acceptable where you've been. From what I've heard, this romance began around fall 2001, stayed in the shadows until summer 2003, they were engaged by the fall of 2006 and, like I said, they were married Valentines Day, 2007."

Gary stood up, having finally regained enough motor skills to reach for a tissue to clean off the sticky mess of drying juice off his face. As he cleaned out the various nooks and crannies of his face his voice became slightly lighter in tone. "You want to know something?"

"Not especially." Answered Mars as he began typing again, although Gary began talking anyway.

"I'm actually happy for them, despite having just come from an era that would have decried them as violating the laws of God. I assume the laws on the marriage of stepsiblings changed while I was gone."

"Actually, they haven't changed one bit; we probably have the religious right down south to thank for that."

Gary was surprised by this, but thought of something. "I KNEW IT! This was all one big joke, a lie to keep me off-balance and make me look like an idiot in public!"

Finally getting fed up with all these interruptions, Mars actually stood up. "Frankly, Mr. MacTavish, I object to being called a liar, and perhaps you've forgotten, but my kind do not joke. It's a very dangerous thing to do when you live your life surrounded by sensitive equipment in the middle of interstellar space: someone almost ALWAYS ends up paying the price. I'll just assume you're still in shock."

Gary became confused again. "Then how were they able to marry when they're stepsiblings?"

"Because they are not stepsiblings, and have not been for a long time." came a voice into his mind. He turned to see a female Langatharian, a species of telepathic humanoid reptiles.

"Ah, Lo-Shin, I assume you came about last months leviathan incident. I'm busy enough as it is, but three low level technicians shouldn't be hard to replace." Mars greeted, gesturing for her to come hither.

Seeing Gary's questioning glance, Mars offered a quick explanation and introduction of Lo-Shin from Legal. "On November 15th a group of three engineers on the Leviathan containment went missing. Further investigation revealed a plot to steal the monsters treasure, tarry overseas and generally live like kings. Obviously they were eaten by the lagoons tenant in the attempt."

"And that's my part in this. Their families have threatened to sue, and the Legal Department is forming the defence. In the meantime we need replacements." Said Lo-Shin as she leaned over Mars' screen. Gary, still recovering from the shock of his first telepathic contact in a decade, asked what Lo-shin had meant. "As Mars here likely told you, Martin and Diana's relationship was a secret until the summer of 2003. It was actually Java that caught on, picking up a slight change in behaviour between the two back in the spring of 2002"

"And he didn't think anything of it?" questioned Gary.

"You have to remember who we're talking about. Java comes from a time when people didn't really have a concept of marriage. They mated, stayed together for life; the male got his head smashed in by his mates' family if he broke the arrangement, but basically: if you weren't blood it was okay as far as the tribe went." Said Mars as he finished filling the places

"But back to the point. The strange thing is that their parents (Mr. Lombard and Mrs. Mystery) agreed that their marriage shouldn't be an obstacle to their children's happiness; never quite understood why they changed their minds. Anyway, they apparently divorced, kept being friends, and Martin and Diana's relationship went from there."

With all the explaining done, the conversation turned, as usual, to lunch. Apparently while MacTavish had been missing the cafeteria menu had improved and now featured everything from live food to raw meat to whole eggs to strange nutrient soups (apparently just the old regulation slop watered down and with added kick for the filter feeders). Lo-Shin was planning on having the raw turkey and ostrich egg combo with a side of lime Jell-O for example while mars was leaning towards the protein wafers and Complex Carbohydrate cubes in a bolognaise sauce.

Lo-Shin departed and left the two alone again. "What's this about replacing Martin and Diana then?" Asked Gary when he had regained his cognitive functions.

"Diana's going on Maternity leave, if you must know, although I'm sure you'd have found out eventually. Its not like it's a secret around here that after the last one Martin insists on being with her."

"Last one?"

"You'll see."

"Ah... how far along is she?" asked an incredulous Gary

"Somewhere between 'Do you look different?' and 'blindingly obvious'."

"Now will you assign me to something, please?" begged Gary.

Mars, sighing in frustration, looked to the monitor. "We might have something in 'Dangerous Animal Removal', but..."

"Do I get to use me gun?" asked Gary, handling his musket.

"Yes, if it comes to that, but I must warn you..."

"THEN SIGN ME UP LADDIE!"

Mars was floored by this shout, but managed to reach up and press the 'Confirm' button on the pad. Gary then took his hat and his gun and strolled out to find a drycleaner, leaving Mars to shout "DON'T FORGET: CHRISTMAS PARTY ON THE 24TH!" He then remembered that he hadn't told Gary about the alliance.


Yes, Gary was multitasking, and just wait until the party.

Next Time: They are the best-kept secret in the Universe... and the Centre is just their paranormal division.