Notes: not mine, no profit garnered. Title and opening quote from Francesca Charbrier's I will break the silence in Holland Appaloosa. Thanks to A for beta. Thanks to google for an actual report on the state of health insurance in 2002 that was what I needed.


I am singing I am not getting the words right
What I want to say is my darling
I am the yellow flower amongst the totally blue fields,
but what you hear is honey take my coat and cover up
because it's raining like hell and pounding like hooves.

Pacey felt the dip in the bed as Joey got in next to him. It wasn't much of a dip since she was a very slim young woman. She said, "Dougie says you had a bad day and night. Arrested, missed some tests. I'm pretty sure Jen and I had a better time in New York City and Jen was in tears for most of that. Two people spat on me. For no reason."

"Great, now I can add your voice to the Greek chorus of failure. I hope you all learn to harmonize because those flat notes are killing me," Pacey said, closing his eyes.

"I negotiated with Dougie, we have a punishment all lined up for you," Joey said. "But I don't think you should think of it as punishment. I think you should view it as an opportunity, and I know that will be hard."

"I'm going to think of it as puppies, sweet puppies you and Doug got for me," Pacey said. "I hope there's a golden retriever because that's my favorite dog."

"Pacey," Joey said, her voice serious and her hand on his heart. "I love you. For some reason you keep getting in your own way and I want you to address that annoying habit, which isn't even a habit but turning into a solid character trait. You do things like skip exams, get drunk and tossed out of bars and worst of all, spent time with Drue Valentine."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, this isn't a character trait or habit. I know what you mean by that recitation of my recent acts, but the other thing," Pacey said. "My failures are my failures because I am a failure."

"You're nothing of the sort," Joey said. She pressed down on Pacey's chest. She said, "You did well when you had Andie pushing you, you did well when I was pushing you, you did well when Miss Jacobs was tutoring you in her disgusting way, and every time you fall behind because you stopped being pushed, you always catch up. You're smart, Pacey. Right up until you come close to realizing it, really knowing it, and then you screw up."

"I'm not that smart," Pacey said.

"Yes, you are. Stop it, Pacey. Whenever someone you like tells you you're smart, you rise to the occasion. When they're not there, you fall back to this mess, to this idea you have of yourself from wherever you got it. Maybe it's not because you're failure but because you have actual mental problems," Joey said. She shifted again and kissed him, her mouth warm.

"Is that what you and Doug have planned? You tell me I'm a failure not because I'm a congenital moron, but because I'm fucked in the head. That's quite the opportunity you're offering." He wanted to push her off of him. He was so tired of getting everything wrong.

"No, you're not going to like this at all, but thanks to Doug you're going to see that therapist Jen was seeing."

"You think I need therapy?" Pacey rolled on his side away from her.

"It's therapy or a week alone with Doug being lectured. In the woods. Camping," Joey said. "You pick."

"Right now?"

"Right now," Joey said. She pressed against his back. "Pacey, I love you and I think you should do this. By this I mean the part without constant exposure to Doug's idea of roughing it."

"Okay," he said. "Okay."

They made him go the very next day. Doug drove him in silence until they arrived at the office. "Take this seriously, Pacey, you're losing time to turn it around. Soon you'll be exactly the failure you think you are and everyone will give up on you."

Pacey glared at him and then got out of the car, slamming the door. He went inside the office and looked Jen's ex-therapist up and down. "So, what happens now? We find my childhood trauma and I get straight As after that?" Pacey tugged at his jeans. "If we can get this done quickly as possible, maybe even in the next 10 minutes, because I have more tests."

Frost said, "Do you have a specific childhood trauma in mind?"

"My potty training went okay." Pacey said, "No one touched me the wrong way."

"According to the notes from your brother, you claimed a woman had touched you the wrong way and then retracted it."

"See, no bad touch," Pacey said. "I didn't say it was a bad touch before I retracted it as made up nonsense. Which it totally was, by the way."

"A 36 year old having sex with a 15 year old who is also her student is bad touch."

"Not if I wanted it," Pacey said. "And in my made up version I definitely wanted it. I imagined myself initiating it. I imagined myself being a little pushy, a little arrogant in retrospect, to be frank."

"If it had happened, that Ms Jacobs didn't turn you down and instead embarked on a sexual relationship is what you're calling bad touch, no matter how much you wanted it," Frost said.

"What 15 year old doesn't want sex?"

"So if your friend Jen had seduced a teacher, a Mr. Jacobs, you wouldn't have qualified that as bad touch," Frost said.

"Yes, but women and men aren't the same when it comes to these kind of power dynamics and sexual politics," Pacey said.

Frost looked intensely skeptical. Then he said, "Let's talk about teachers, then. Have you had any supportive teachers?"

"I guess so," Pacey said. "This is fun. Are we almost done?"

"Tell me about your teachers," Frost said.

For a perverse bit of rebellion which he was unable to resist, Pacey decided to start with kindergarten and go forward. To his astonishment he actually remembered his kindergarten teacher calling him a loser and a sure failure. What kind of fucked up teacher said that to a 5 year old?

"Why do you think she said that?"

"In retrospect, it's the small town sheriff curse. My dad had arrested her boyfriend, I think. Minor league drugs, small time assault, the usual petty crimes he combats as the chief lawman around here. She went to highschool with my oldest sister, too. So there could be something there."

"Wouldn't she have said similar things to your sister, is it Gretchen? As well?"

"Maybe she would have," Pacey said. "Did say. But Gretchen would have told Mom and Dad and Dad would have told her it was wrong. Or Doug."

"But you didn't tell?"

Pacey was looking at his hands. They looked alien to him. He'd have to check with Jen if Frost induced Alien Hand syndrome. "I told, I think. I don't have complete recall of every moment of my life when someone was belittling me and I tattled."

"It didn't go well when you told your parents," Dr. Frost said.

"My mom laughed," Pacey said, remembering. "She didn't tell me why it was funny. Of course it was funny, this teacher is taking out some years old grudge on a five year old. I didn't find that out until I was 12 and then it was from Gretchen."

"Did you have friends in the class?"

"Sure, Dawson. Who is now dating Gretchen, for God's sake." Pacey sighed. "Some other kids we knew. Joey. I still know half of the class, it's Capeside."

Then his session was over and he was sent away after finding out he had to go every day for week. "I need intensive therapy for bad grades?"

"Apparently, if you want to graduate."

Pacey went back to the house and opened his books without thinking. There, he thought, there's your breakthrough. It was his kindergarten teacher's fault. He went to the make up test Joey had had to beg for him to be able to take. He'd done that for her once so this was tit for tat, he didn't owe her anything. It wasn't a convincing argument when he said it in his head.

Then it was dark and all he had was a voicemail from Joey saying she would try to come back the next day. Gretchen was off somewhere. Pacey sat on the porch, watching the dark sky. He could just stare and stare and listen to the ocean. He was sure he could hear it from here.

His father pulled up and marched up the porch. He said, "Pacey, what did you do this time?"

"Failed, what do you think?"

"Shut up," his father said. Pacey had stood up at the anger in his father's voice, in his finest defensive stance. He was unprepared to be hugged by the man. "Shut up," his father said.

Pacey didn't say anything. His father said, "You were always too much like me. Like I was when I was kid. The youngest, too sensitive, always with my heart on my sleeve, always getting crushed. Not like Dougie or your sisters." His father abruptly let go so Pacey sat back down, staring up at his now pacing father.

"My dad left right after my mother got pregnant with me. He's dead now," Pacey's dad said.

"You don't talk about him."

"When I was very young, my older sisters told me over and over again that he didn't want me and that's why he left. They did it to toughen me up."

"That sounds shitty," Pacey said.

"I didn't want you to be like me at that age," Pacey's dad said. "I wanted you to stand on your own, learn who's reliable."

"Not family," Pacey said. "Got that."

"Yes, family," Pacey's dad said. "You can count on us. Pacey, if you never go to any kind of college, I will still be proud of you." He said it looking down at Pacey and Pacey felt something twisting in his chest. "I mean that," his dad said. "You're a good person. Stop fucking around."

"I really felt it up until that last part," Pacey said.

"You know what I mean," his dad said.

"That's a weird vote of confidence," Pacey said. "Thanks?"

His dad sighed. He rubbed at his face and then said, "Pacey, just don't let shit from when you were young drag you down."

"Okay," Pacey said. There were no hugs of weird family pep up talks as his dad left.

Gretchen came home late and woke him up.

"Decided to sleep on the porch?"

"Sure," Pacey said. He could see the moon now. "Did you know our grandfather, Dad's dad, the one we never knew, he just deserted the family?"

Gretchen was already walking inside and he followed her. Gretchen said, "Of course I knew. He tried to come by once, our deadbeat Grandfather. Mom sent him away and when she told Dad, he blew up at her. I swear, I've never seen him so mad."

"I have no memory of this," Pacey said.

"You were 6. You probably don't remember because Dad was so mad he yelled at Dougie, who promptly took it out on you," Gretchen said.

"Everyday occurrence that that was," Pacey said.

"He broke your tooth," Gretchen said. "Luckily it was a baby tooth."

"Wow, still no memory of this," Pacey said. "Should I take that as a good thing or just that it was all so regular it doesn't even stand out?"

Gretchen was looking at him with pity. Pacey said quickly, "Did Dad find deadbeat Granddad?"

"Yeah, about two weeks later. He'd had liver cancer, he was apparently a huge alcoholic, he died two days after he tried to see Dad. He'd remarried twice, Dad technically has a total of 12 brother and sisters," Gretchen said.

"I have cousins all over Capeside I don't know about it? None of them were named Potter, right?"

Gretchen smiled. "Family 2 is in Rochester, New York, Family 3 is in Dayton, Ohio. If you meet someone from those two cities, ask if they're cousins. You're totally safe in Capeside," Gretchen said.

"Has Dad even met them?" Pacey sat down on the couch. This had been an overwhelming day, like unbelievably so. All he could feel was that he was over everything.

"No," Gretchen said. "Paula went looking for them, she's met a lot of them. He never wanted to. She was trying to trace her medical history and do some genealogical project, remember when she was into all that?"

"I remember that, I remember none of this," Pacey said.

"Well, our parents suck," Gretchen said. "They always kick us out of the room when this stuff comes out."

"Dad told me about the deadbeat part tonight," Pacey said.

"Good for him," Gretchen said. She yawned. "See you in the morning."

Pacey woke up with his head feeling heavy. Literally heavy. He dragged himself to school, dutifully did all his school work, because he wanted revenge on that damn kindergarten teacher. He would show her, he thought dimly.

He found Jen in the halls. "Did you hear they're making me see your ex-therapist?"

"I did," Jen said. She looked up at him, smiling. "He was helpful. I bet you, too, can be helped."

"Why does everyone think I'm fucked up?"

"You were hanging out with Drue Valentine," Jen said. "Please trust me, that is a sign of diseased mind."

"Didn't you two used to date?"

"We never dated, we had sex a few times," Jen said. "I wasn't the sanest when I was with him."

"But now you're great thanks to Frost," Pacey said.

"Exactly," Jen said. "I'm awesome."

Then it was another fun hour with Frost. Pacey reeled off the revelations of the previous night and ended with, "Guess who I haven't seen since this forced march to therapy started? That would be my girlfriend."

"That makes you angry," Frost said.

"Yes, yes, it does. She makes me feel small, like her my little pony project she's ushering from place to place to be fixed and good enough for her," Pacey said. His vehemence surprised him. "Sometimes I hate her."

Frost nodded. He said, "I have some questions for you, Pacey."

It was all the standard shrink stuff Pacey had ever seen on TV. He was rolling his eyes in anticipation for when he got some pat diagnosis. Pacey was many things, but he wasn't like Andie. He didn't have the problems Andie did. If he had, he would never have had the strength to get well like Andie did, so that was lucky for Pacey.

Frost wrote something on his prescription pad and handed it to Pacey. He said, "I would say you're clinically depressed, Pacey."

"No, I'm not. I'm not. What's this a prescription for?" Pacey was angry all over again. He was so incredibly irritated at this man.

"It's an antidepressant. It will take about 3 weeks to really have any effect, so we'll need to start meeting twice weekly, probably for the next month at least," Frost said.

"You mean even after graduation? Why would I do that? Either I graduate or I fail, so what's the fucking point?"

Frost stared at him, unfazed, silent. Finally, he said, "Why are you so angry, Pacey?"

"I know what this kind of thing is, my ex-girlfriend, she was sick. She's better now, I'm not sick like her, and I don't know why you want me to be this -" Pacey clenched and unclenched his fists in his lap.

"I don't know if your ex-girlfriend was clinically depressed or if she'd received a different diagnosis. I know mental illness manifests differently in people and specifically, depression in men often looks very different from depression in women," Frost said, still not raising his voice.

Pacey fumed, he was convinced his head was about to catch fire.

Frost said, "None of this has to be as hard as it is for you. Please think about that."

Because his mood was unbelievably foul and he'd just said he hated her, Joey was waiting outside for him.

She could read him well enough that she just sat there, not trying to hug him. She said, "I'm sorry I've missed you."

"You already got into college, why are you killing yourself over your grades?"

She nodded, like that was an answer. "Pacey, do you just want to hang out?"

"I have to go to the damn pharmacy first," Pacey said.

Joey opened her mouth to ask something and he was ready to slam her down verbally, just scream at her. But she said nothing. He went to the pharmacy and remembered Andie lying to him about her pills and the two of them buying condoms. He was still so angry.

They called his name and the pharmacist, who knew his father and mother and all of his siblings, looked at him seriously and said, "Make sure you pay attention to the side effects, son."

"Thanks," Pacey said.

He sat in the truck and read the whole pamphlet and instruction sheet while Joey sat next to him in silence. "I don't know," Pacey said, "if my mom will be thrilled to hear I'm crazy because now she's the long suffering mother of not just a black sheep, but a deranged one. Or she'll be ashamed because I did this to make her look bad." He was so glad he'd cut off Sunday night dinners after his birthday.

"I say number one," Joey said, looking like she was seriously considering it. "The better question is how long it will take to get from the pharmacy to Grams's knitting circle. That's a real puzzler."

"Two days," Pacey said. Part of him wanted to smile at her, because he loved her and she had done nothing wrong except be wonderful. But he had this wave of anger and ennui to wade through and it felt like a lot of work.

"Things don't have to be this hard, apparently," Pacey said. He knew it had been easier to just do everything last year. Part of last year. This was a bad spell, he thought. One from Jen's book someone had cast on him.

Joey said nothing. She leaned into him. She plucked the papers from him. She said, "You're supposed to take this with food. Let's get dinner."

He hadn't said it was okay for her to just read that, God, why had Andie ever put up with him invading her privacy? But he put on his seatbelt and started driving.

He didn't feel much different after his week of mandatory daily therapy. His father had relayed the message through Dougie that Pacey was expected to keep going until Frost said he could stop. Pacey was so glad everyone cared. He was ecstatic.

He was suddenly determined to graduate high school if only to get this accumulated weight of everyone who kept saying they loved him so much off his back.

Saturday night, he laid on his bed with Joey, who was bucking for sainthood putting up with poor crazy angry Pacey, such a good girlfriend, like she was a good student and did everything well. She said, "Do you want to go to prom?"

"I don't give a damn," Pacey said. "Do you?"

"I don't know," Joey said. "Last year was kind of a protracted nightmare in places, but some of it was so perfect. It'd be nice to go to a dance with you as my date like it should be."

Pacey said, "I think Gretchen is going. With Dawson, obviously. I also think they had sex."

"I know they did," Joey said, smiling. "She told me, he told me."

"No one wanted to talk to me," Pacey said. "No one even bothered to lie to me that it hadn't happened."

"You've been easily irritated," Joey said carefully. "Enough of your own stuff to deal with."

"Fine," Pacey said, irritated all over again. "I read these pills were supposed to make you feel numb and rob your creativity so you feel nothing at all, think they'll kick in in time to make Prom a perfect experience for you?"

Joey frowned. "That wouldn't make it perfect for me. We don't have to go. I'm serious, Pacey. I don't need to do the whole high school ritual thing just to show -"

"That we're still together? That you're such a good person for putting up with me?"

"You're fun, Pace," Joey said, getting up. "You don't get to be an asshole to me because you're going through stuff."

"What am I going through?" Pacey heard his voice, the sad pathetic tone.

Apparently Joey did, too, as she laid back down on the bed next to him. She said, "Your shrink thinks you're depressed. You had such a bad day you hung out with Drue Valentine."

Pacey smiled. "He can be good company."

"No, he's really not," Joey said. She got on top of him. She hugged his neck, tucked her head into his shoulder.

He said, "Is this your way of saying you're horny? I'm not having that particular negative side effect so I'm totally up for it."

She kissed him and he rolled her so they were face to face, on their sides. He kissed her over and over again and she made soft happy sounds as they pressed together. He pushed her shirt up and tugged her tank top down so he could touch her breasts. He loved the way she loved it, he loved the way she responded to his hands on her. "I love you," he said. He got both of her tops off and then held her hands above her head.

"I love you," she said as he got on top of her. She wrapped her legs around his waist, her hips pushing against his. She kissed him again and again and he let go of her hands to be able to hold her face, push her hair back.

She wiggled out from under him and reached for the bedside table. "If we're out of condoms, I'm going to cry," she said.

"We? We're not," he said, sitting up. He took off his shirt and got his sweatpants off. He'd really dressed to the nines for his exciting Saturday.

Joey bent down and sucked the tip of his penis in her mouth and then licked up and down the shaft. He swallowed and touched her hair. She sat back and put the condom on him.

He slowly took off her pants and underwear and then touched her between her legs. She was already wet and she rubbed herself on his hand. Her eyes were nearly closed in a familiar kind of joy. He made her feel that way, she made him feel better. "Come on," she said, smiling.

"I love you," she said, as he entered her. They'd found their rhythm somewhere around the second time they'd had sex and it never left. He wanted her so much and she even loved him.

He touched her and fucked her and shifted positions until she came and then let himself go. He kissed her again but then got out of bed and threw away the condom, cleaning himself up. He came back to the bed and cleaned her up. She curled into him and he held her. "Okay," he said. "We can do prom, just don't make me do anything. I'll show up in a nice rented tux but you gotta do everything else."

"Okay," she said. "I'm gonna make Dawson do it all."

"Now that he's no longer the virgin king of Capeside, I imagine he's up for anything," Pacey said.

"Don't make fun of him," Joey said.

"It's my sister, I get to make some fun," Pacey said.

He stopped being angry. He spent a week feeling nothing. He got his work done, took his tests, kissed his girlfriend, even had sex a few times. He wrote a whole paper for extra credit to push one of his grades from D to C. He really liked only having to seeing Frost twice a week.

Frost kept saying, "It doesn't have to be this hard."

Finally, Pacey cracked. "What the fuck does that even mean?"

"You're finding life pretty hard right now. It doesn't have to be that way. What you're doing, therapy, medication, if you let it, you might find that life can be easier."

"Well, now that you've explained it, I'm getting it. I'm totally getting it," Pacey said.

He put on his rented tux and drove Gretchen over to the Leerys for prom pictures and all that. He smiled when Joey squeezed his hand and sat quietly in the limo. He felt some genuine joy dancing with Joey, seeing everyone happy. Joey drifted off, so Pacey went out on the deck and watched the water. Joey still connected with people. Pacey didn't remember how to anymore.

"Hey, Pacey," Dawson said. "We haven't talked in ages."

Pacey smiled. "You're fucking my sister, man. I'm afraid to talk to you, you might tell me about how great the fucking is."

"I'm not," Dawson said. "We're having sex, it's much more than fucking."

"That is such a Dawson way to put it," Pacey said. "You're not devaluing the romance and important true love aspects if you call it fucking."

"I disagree," Dawson said. "Fucking is brutal and without meaning."

"Well, I am nuts, you might have heard," Pacey said. "But I still think it's okay to love someone and call the sex fucking."

"You're not nuts," Dawson said. "And I did hear, I wasn't going to bring it up unless you did. I didn't realize we were joking about it."

"When am I not a joke?" Pacey ran his hands along the railing.

"You were never a joke to me," Dawson said. "Even when I hated you, I didn't consider you a joke or a failure. I mean, I hated you for being better than me with Joey."

"I think you said otherwise once or twice," Pacey said.

"I did hate you," Dawson said, laughing.

"What I am, standing out here, what I am is mostly tired," Pacey said. "Mostly. But it's nice to hear you say that."

"It's still hard to be nice to you," Dawson said. "That's actually a joke."

Pacey laughed. "I like when you're talking to me, though, I like that. As much as I like anything these days on this medication."

The next day Gretchen knocked on his door around noon. "Cover up, Joey," she said.

"She's not in here," he said. They'd gone from the boat to Joey's room at the B&B, had fantastic and quiet sex and then Pacey had left her to sleep in his own bed so Bessie didn't kill him. Bessie would let Joey sleep over at Pacey's whenever, but god forbid she see Pacey at the B&B in the morning.

Gretchen walked in and leaned against the door. "Did you take your pills?"

"Yes, please don't ask me that again," Pacey said. "I had breakfast and took my damn pill, and went back to bed."

"Insomnia is definitely not your problem," Gretchen said. "I went to prom again last night."

"Yes, you did," Pacey said. He sighed. "How did that make you feel?"

"Old and washed up," Gretchen said. "Although the sex after was much better than the first time."

"Ugh, Gretchen, no sex talk from you ever. You're not old and washed up," Pacey said. "You're taking a break. You met a guy. I'm still upset you had sex with my best friend, but, on the other hand, I'm a medicated crazy person."

"How long a break am I taking?"

Pacey said, "How long do you need?"

"I should get back to college. I should graduate," Gretchen said.

"I'm probably graduating," Pacey said.

"That's great," Gretchen said. "When Dawson leaves for LA, I'm going back to school. I'll take a few summer classes then I will get back on track."

"You weren't off track," Pacey said. "Your track didn't look as straight as you thought. But it was still your path. It has a few bumps and twists but you're still on track."

"You're so wise," Gretchen said. "Seriously, give yourself some credit for some great brotherly advice."

"Whatever. Let me sleep," Pacey said.

He slept a lot. He was still mostly numb. His father told him he had found him a job for the summer. "I'll pay your medical bills, and you can pay me back" was the deal offered. Pacey wondered how expensive his medical bills really were. The job would apparently cover his rent through September at least. Then he would go to Boston where Joey would be.

"Do I get to know what the job is? Not yet. But it will pay back my Dad."

"It's probably a lot of money," Joey said. "If you don't have insurance. Which you don't as soon as you're out of school."

"However that happens," Pacey said. She was sitting at the end of the bed in her underwear with little flowers on it and white tank top. She'd been studying, for a while. Now her books were on the floor next to his bed and he was staring at those tiny flowers on cotton and getting hard. "I love when you come over here."

He took his finals. One of his teachers tried to piss him off, but Pacey was too busy trying to stay awake to do more than think 'fuck you' in his head. He bit his lip. He stared at the questions and filled them out. He remembered all the things he'd studied. Frost had said that maybe Pacey studying without procrastinating or being distracted was the person he was without the illness. Pacey didn't think much of that idea. He knew exactly who he was, his essential loser nature had nothing to do with any quirk of brain chemistry.

Joey was invited to another Worthington party, with the Dean asking particularly for Pacey. "Do you think it's something good?" Joey was so excited, putting on her lipstick. She looked completely gorgeous. She had an idea it would be something good, that would get Pacey in college.

"I think he thinks I'm funny and wonders if I'm interested in being the groundskeeper at his private mansion," Pacey said.

Before the Dean talked to him, he watched Joey talking to everyone. He remembered her the first time, now she knew who she was. She was stronger. She barely needed him. She'd dump him any day now. Her dress was clingy in ways that made him think about how she looked underneath it.

The Dean offered a job on his yacht.

"I would love to, you have no idea how much, but I promised I'd take this job my Dad set up. He's covering my medical bills, apparently I have a condition and you know, thanks to Hillary, we're not like Canada and bills got to be paid."

"No chance of doing that from out on the sea?"

"It's tempting, I swear," Pacey said. "But I owe my dad, so." He was almost afraid of the job, like he'd get on the yacht and never come back, stay out on the sea forever. No Frost, no pills, no one he would bring down to his lowly level. Joey would miss him. He loved her. He had to hold on to that.

Pacey was sitting on his porch again, staring out at the night while Joey did something festive with Jack and Jen. Pacey had thought about going, he was going to graduate tomorrow, too. But Dawson was off screwing his sister and Pacey found the idea of leaving this chair more than he had in him.

He'd never really thought he was depressed, but taking the medication for it sure made him seem like it.

"Pacey," he heard.

"McPhee, I would recognize that squeal anywhere," Pacey said. She came into view, all super blonde smiles and happy. "What are you doing here?"

"I went to the graduation party and talked to everyone, well, not everyone, because you and Dawson weren't there but I saw Joey and Jack and Jen. Of course, I was all up on Jack's life already," she said. She sat down on the the table in front of his chair. "How are you?"

"I'm on, on -" he named the medication. "Apparently I'm depressed. Did you ever take that one?"

Andie had the softest eyes. She said, "No, I haven't, but I have really bad insomnia and that one is more for people who sleep too much. Why don't you think you're depressed?"

"Maybe I'm comparing myself to you," he said.

"I'm not depressed," Andie said.

"You think I am," he said.

"When I went away, you sat there in your exams and didn't write a word," Andie said.

"I was sad," Pacey said. "I got over it."

"You probably would have gotten over this one, too, this episode, but who knows what kind of damage you would have done to your life before you did. Look at everything I did and I knew I was sick."

"That's a good thought, Andie," Pacey said. "I'm graduating, too. Thanks to all this medication, I guess. I didn't get angry and blow up at people, I barely talk to anyone. But god bless, I still want to have sex so life has meaning."

"All this medication," Andie said, laughing. "You take one pill twice a day. I take three in the morning, two at night, and I have one I take in cases of emergency. You're nothing. Weakling."

"Always compared to you, McPhee," he said. "This stops eventually, right?"

"Not necessarily," Andie said. "Some people, like me, are on medication all their lives. But some people only need it for a little while. Or a year."

"I just want my life back," Pacey said.

"You're going to graduate," she said, smiling.

"I'm going to graduate. Not going to college. But sure, I graduated high school."

"Yes, you did," Joey said, coming in. "Nice to see you again, Andie."

"Nice to see you again, Joey," Andie said, hugging her. "We're both going to be in Boston next year, like we said earlier. We'll have lunch sometimes and a friendly rivalry between Worthington and Harvard."

"It's so sweet how well you two get along. I know this might sound inappropriate, but how about a threesome?"

They looked at him with identical expressions. "It was worth a try," Pacey said.

They graduated. He swung Joey around after her speech, laughing with her because how could he not? It was Joey and he loved her.

Dawson left, Gretchen left.