shi to sono yume -- death and the dream





Thank you, evil muses. -_-;; *glares* Thank you, evil plot bunnies o' incoherency. -_-;; *glares again* Thanks to those two overwhelming forces, this fic won't get out of my head. *sighs tragically and gets ready to rack brains* Excuse the Ani Difranco-induced madness -- but Reckoning is just a mesmerizing CD, and gives me so many ideas... =^_^=

And damn you, Matt. Damn you to hell. May you be dumped upon by a big bloated shoopuf. Thanks to that little conversation after the glorious FFX FMV theatre, I can't get the image of the 'back-seat porn-star Auron' pose out of my mind. I'm forever scarred. -_-;;

Random Thoughts: Is it just me, or is Auron the toughest-looking uke ever? And Tidus is Gackt. e.e I think Squaresoft needs to design a character after Seki Tomokazu. /He's/ kawaii, ne?

Warnings: Hrm. Usual caveat applies. Some spoilers ahoy, but they'll probably only be spoilers for up to the er...meeting with Yunalesca-sama. A little shonen-ai-ish goodness (read -- boy love), too. Tame stuff for the masses, ne? Sappishness, too, though it'll hopefully be in-character. Not much else? (wow...) Also, I'm praying that my japanese is correct in the title...kick me and tell me if it's wrong, ne?

Disclaimer: Standard disclaimer. Squaresoft owns FFX and all characters/places/etc within. I own my madness, and I'm much more willing to share than they are, I'm sure. I don't get paid for it.



With that said, I present my first FFX fic.


Why don't you ever tell me anything?

shi to sono yume [death and the dream]
a Final Fantasy X fanfic by miriya valentine


---

...who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out...
-- ani difranco, So What


---

There was nothing but silence and almost pure darkness surrounding Tidus as he left the campsite.

Sitting by the dying fire, he'd watched as each person slipped off to bed, save for one -- the solemn man that slipped off into the forest, towards the temple. He watched him leave, wondering where he was going at this time of night, but knowing that it was futile to ask. His questions were seldom answered, anyway. There was no 'I'll be back soon'...just a quiet, indecipherable sigh, and the rhythmic pat of a tokkuri bumping against a thigh -- a quiet sound quickly swallowed by the forest.

Tidus had waited, feeling the minutes pass like hours, gazing into the coals until they faded to darkness, too. And then he followed, slipping from the protective ring of tents into the dark woods.

He didn't feel the cold. There was no place in his mind to consider the point that it might be cold -- it was all focused on one man. /Him/. The one who always lectured him about going out alone into places like this after dark, especially with no one to accompany him. //You've broken your own rules, old man. Even though you can fight better than all of us together, anyway...//

Cold and quiet and dark...and almost alien. Tidus shivered once, and squinted, trying to find the narrow pathway by cloud-muted moonlight. He remembered that it was near the water's edge, so he listened to the sound of the river, following the rushing sound like a beacon, praying that no stray fiends found him. It wasn't that he couldn't take care of them by himself...but he felt drained by the latest slew of events.

Why Auron had insisted on returning to Kilika, he didn't know. But the man was adamant, and Yuna had acquiesced to 'sir Auron' with no argument, whatsoever.

In a way, Tidus was glad. Despite the fact that Sin was still out there, lurking in that vast expanse of ocean...they were here, and not on their way to Gagazet. It gave him more time.

He pushed /those/ thoughts from his mind, and continued forward, following the water towards the temple. Absently, he wondered why he was following -- what did he have to say? Are you okay? A question like that was never answered...expression was the only hint, and if Tidus hadn't known Auron as long as he had, understanding that would be impossible, too.

The endless stone stairway of the Kilika temple rose before him like a mountain. Tidus took the steps two at a time, the energy of youth and training leaving him barely winded by the time he reached the half-way point -- a huge look-out point where he could see everything; the dark mass of forest, a few dull lights from the remains of Kilika village, and beyond that, the open night-mirror of ocean. Broken stone tiles were scattered across the platform, and Tidus had to be careful -- it would be too embarassing for someone to find him lying there in the morning with a sprained ankle.

The clouds broke, and he was suddenly washed in pale moonlight. From where he stood, the temple seemed much closer -- he continued on. Up and up and up...he lost track of the number of stairs he passed, thinking back on the last few weeks. Not too long ago, he'd been nothing more than a happy, care-free teenager with a talent for blitzball, content to spend his days entertaining the fans and practicing for the next game...knowing that he'd come home and find Auron there. It was routine, and it was comforting. Life was easy.

And then came Sin, and all hell broke loose. Everything, /everything/ he'd known had been taken and turned upside down. Auron was gone. Everyone he met thought him mad, and every time he thought he'd have a little peace, Sin would be there to take that from him. He'd played the sick lunatic, explaining his woeful lack of knowledge with the simple excuse -- Sin had done it.

He met Yuna, the strange summoner girl who had believed his fantastic tale of the Zanarkand he'd known...not the ages-old ruins of the present. Even that wasn't enough. She'd even said she'd known his father...but even then, the man she described was not the father he'd spent a lifetime hating. The man she described couldn't have been his father. But...it had been something to cling to, something remotely familar that would comfort him.

Then he'd found Auron again. But something about him...it had changed. If he'd been reserved before, he was almost impentrable now, hiding behind layers and layers that Tidus couldn't even begin to peel through. He wondered what had happened during the course of their seperation to cause such a metamorphosis in the man.

/Is that what I'm looking for?/ Tidus whispered to the sky, even though he knew an answer was impossible.

The only answer was within.

By night, the wide circle of blue stone in the middle of the temple courtyard was like a reflection of the moon, the entire area an echo of the night sky so far above. It made him feel small and humble, but strangely at peace, as if letting him know he was part of something much larger. For a moment, he forgot why he'd come, and silently marveled at the place he stood, letting the tranquility fill him in waves. It gave him strength.

Tidus walked over the blue stone softly, as if his meager weight might crush it, and ascended the final flight of stairs, stopping at the open doors to the temple. What would he find inside? He felt almost silly at the anticipation he was feeling -- what was there that could happen? What was he expecting to find? He cocked his head, listening to the faint sound of the fayth-hymn drifting from the inner sanctum as a thousand tiny dramas coursed through his mind, livid half-fantasies -- brilliant star-points of thought that died almost before they were even born. He pushed their remnants away, and stepped inside.

Anemic torch-light flickered, a dance of shadow and light played over the hall's floor and the hymn was impossibly louder. It resonated in his mind, a slow, languid melody to accompany the stacatto pounding of his heart. Stale, cool air brushed against his skin, and for a moment he could not breathe. Everything seemed almost surreal; the light and darkness, song and sensation -- he searched desperately for something he could claim as familiar.

It knelt before a familiar statue near the stairway that led to the Cloister, head bowed, one hand pressed to the cool stone floor, the other hanging limply at his side, almost lost in the folds of a scarlet kimono-like robe. For some reason, he knew he'd find Auron here -- he knew it in the way that one knows the sun will always rise after the long night -- and he wondered why.

The man didn't move from his almost prostrate position; Tidus supposed he didn't know he was here. Or maybe Auron was just too lost in thought, immersed in the memories of a decade ago. Tidus knew that Auron had been a guardian for the summoner Braska in that time, a companion to his own father. And though Auron never spoke of it, he knew that something haunted him. Maybe it was something to do with Tidus' father...but he could never be sure. With Auron -- he could never be sure.

He walked slowly, silently, towards Auron, and heard the faint sound of the man's whisper rising every once in a while over the hymn. Was it a prayer? Somehow...he didn't think so. Sadness -- loss -- hung in the air, as tangible as the guardian before him. It made Tidus hurt too, just to feel it, and he recognized it as deep pain -- a soul hurt, one that might scab over but would never truly heal, much less fade.

In that moment, he gained just a bit more insight into Auron's soul, and it left him feeling almost broken. His heart screamed for him to provide any sort of comfort he could, but he was wary -- one wrong move could destroy everything.

Tidus took a few steps forward, until he was less than ten feet from Auron's back. He paused, as if considering his next move -- and in that moment of hesitation, Auron raised his head. "I thought I told you not to go wandering out alone."

Tidus jumped in surprise, and suddenly felt himself flush all over, as if he'd just walked in on something terribly personal and intimate. Had he? "I was worried about you."

There was a long, drawn-out sigh; one which made Tidus feel ten years old all over again. "There is nothing for you to be woried about. You could have been attacked out there, and there would have been no one around to hear you call for help."

The embarrassment was quickly replaced by anger. "Stop underestimating me, Auron -- I can take care of a few fiends on my own."

"Hn."

Silence stretched out over them like a wet wool blanket, suffocating Tidus. He searched for something to break it, and came up with both hands empty.

So he sat down beside Auron, ignoring the freezing cold of the stone against his bare legs.

"Why Kilika?" Tidus looked up at the statue, and the reserved expression on the stone-carved summoner's face. "We were real close to Beville, and I've seen the same one there." He watched as Auron lifted his head, his living eye resting on the granite folds of Braska's robe.

"I was born here." He said, as if that answered everything.

"I didn't know that." Tidus admitted honestly, surprised.

"I never told you."

Tidus snorted, sounding even a little bitter even to himself. "Big surprise, that one. You never tell me anything."

Beside him, Auron shifted, like he was drawing inside himself. Tidus imagined he could almost see the older man erect more walls and barriers around himself; more shields to be scaled to see the person hidden away inside. //You're always hiding so much from me...I'm not your enemy, you know.//

When Auron had made it suitably clear he wasn't speaking anymore, Tidus gingerly pressed forward. "Are you angry with me?"

"Being angry wouldn't help, would it?"

Tidus let out a low growl of frustration, jerking his head around to face Auron. "Dammit, Auron, what's with you lately? You're acting just like some stupid machina -- like there's nothing inside you that's wrong. I know you don't talk a lot, but now that you're back here in Spira, you won't hardly say a word unless forced to -- God! I just want to..." He pressed his face into his hands, trying to wring the building anger from himself, clinging to his last remnants of patience.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before lowering his hands. "I...I just want to know what's wrong, Auron. I think I deserve that much from you. Between trying to figure out what the hell is going on, and trying to find a way back to Zanarkand...I just think I deserve that much from you. I'm so confused..." His head bowed; suddenly he felt the full brunt of the last few weeks, and once the adrenaline of his anger passed he realized he was utterly exhausted. "I'm just caught up in all these things that I don't have any control over...you're the only thing I know, here...ya know? I'm not trying to pry into your personal life or anything...but I'm worried."

Auron finally turned his head to look at Tidus -- deep creases gathered at the edge of his eye, the expression pulling on skin, wrinkling the long scar on the blind side of his face as he squinted at the boy sitting beside him. It had taken a lot from Tidus to say all that, and Auron supposed he should at least feel a bit repentant. In his own way, Tidus was trying to look out for the one who'd been, in essence, looking out for /him/ for the last decade.

He echoed the boy's question back to him. "...Are you angry with me?"

Tidus sighed. "Yeah...a little, I guess. But it's not that, really -- I just want to know why you're alienating yourself like this. It's kinda hard, ya know? And it's not just me. Everyone notices. And it's making everyone feel uneasy. You've done this before...and I guess what I'm trying to say is that we're all relying on you. Don't hide away from us...please."

The older man looked like he was going to say something, but Tidus shook his head. "That's not the reason why I came here tonight, though. I know you're feeling down, and I want to help. I hate it when you look like you do right now."

Auron thought about that for a minute, then turned away, his half-gaze returning to the statue before them. He took a deep breath. "I just came here to think -- despite what you may think, I'm fine."

Tidus studied Auron, taking in the hard eye hidden behind dark glasses, the streaks of steely grey at his temples and crown; a color that had undoubtedly come from stress -- too much stress for a thirty-something man to have been through, warrior or not. He remembered the first time he'd seen Auron, back in Zanarkand -- those grey streaks were just beginning to form. //How many of those did I cause, old man?// Without the high collar that the man usually wore, Tidus could see the creases at the sides of his mouth, lines that shifted depth as the torchlight flickered and tossed shadow over them.

"If you say so...I believe you." Truthfully, he didn't, but like he'd heard so many times -- there was no sense in kicking a deflated blitzball. If the man wanted to tell him, he would. Hopefully.

The silence stretched out between them again, but it wasn't nearly as devastating this time around. Tidus supposed the conversation was over...but he didn't want to leave. Being here, in the temple, next to Auron was...comforting. The older guardian was a rock, a fortress of strength that Tidus knew was stable enough not to break, much less bend. He gladly sheltered himself in the leeway, hiding from the chaos his life had become...

Even for just a little while.

Again, Auron shifted, and Tidus drew himself out from his musings.

"It isn't right." Auron said after a pause.

Tidus was confused. "What?"

Auron looked up at the granite statue, his features softening, just a little. "The statue...it's wrong. He was never so cold and aloof." He snorted quietly, shaking his head. "Braska wanted to be everyone's friend."

It was the closest thing to spontaneous conversation Tidus had heard from Auron for as long as he could recall. Things were starting to look up. "He sounded like a good person," Tidus said. "From what I saw in those spheres...he seemed like someone I'd like to know."

"You would have liked him. He would have liked you."

Tidus laughed. "Of course. He liked everyone, ne?"

Auron looked at him. "That's not what I meant."

"I'm kidding, Auron."

"Mm."

Tidus felt the beginnings of a cramp creeping into his leg, and turned to the other side. His bare leg brushed against Auron's arm, and he shivered at how cold the man's skin was. "Auron...you're freezing cold," he said softly, reaching out one hand to touch frigid skin again.

He had no idea why Auron found that so funny; but the older man's laughter echoed off the temple walls, deep and resonant.

"What's so funny?"

Auron shook his head. "Nothing. You wouldn't understand."

Tidus let out another near-howl of frustration. Auron was back to being his usual self, confident in the fact that he was the only one worthy of knowing anything. "Dammit, Auron, stop treating me like I'm still a child. I'm not a kid anymore."

He felt the heavy half-gaze the man turned on him like a solid weight, and silently marveled at how almost an hour's work had been undone with one comment. He almost expected to hear some cryptic or cynical reply, but strangely, there was none. Auron simply watched him, before his eye dropped to the hand that still rested against his arm.

"Yeah...I guess you're not." Auron pulled away, and Tidus mirrored the movement. "We should be getting back to the campsite. It'll be dawn in a few hours, and we need all the rest we can get. It's a long road to Zanarkand." He stood up, rearranging his robe to its usual position, holding out a hand to help Tidus up. The boy gratefully accepted, pulling himself up and stretching. Auron had already started towards the temple doors, and Tidus had to jog to catch up.

"So..." Tidus began, "are you feeling any better? Seeing any clearer?"

"Yeah." Auron's voice was low. "I suppose you could say I am."

Tidus didn't bother to hide his smile.



Outside, the clouds had taken over the sky once again, but to Tidus it seemed so much brighter than it had been all night.

---

1.30. 02 -- AN: Dammit, about time I finished. e.e Thoughts, anyone? Should I continue, or are you going to chase me back into the Kenshin fandom? I hope everything was in character...I know there's very, very little action in this installment, but I'm planning a bit more, and it'll pick up. Really. I'm still all about Jecht/Braska/Auron (Or Jeskaron, since SOMEONE's bound to come up with a silly little moniker for it sometime or the other...e.e), but I see Tidus as being a bit of a dependent person, especially towards the beginning of the game. And really, why shouldn't he be? I'd be clinging to any and all things familiar if /I/ were in his position... I just keep trying to figure out who'd be seme in the Tidus-Auron relationship. By all means, Auron seems like the best bet, but for some reason I have a lot of trouble seeing him initiate anything, much less take the dominant role. Too uke, I guess. *laughs*

And, um...geez. I wonder why Auron was laughing when Tidus said he was cold? *found that sadly humorous, and had to put it in there* Kill me.

With that said, I need SLEEP... thank god for my 2 days off of work. ^__________^ I'll be damned if I don't need them. ^^;;

-miri-chan