A/N: This is a very different Drakken and Shego than in my other stories HARSH and WHEN MADNESS COMES. These are closer to the cartoon versions.
Oh, and lines that are in all italics are Drakken's thoughts. Regular type is "reality."
Enjoy!
Part 1: Early Morning
...connect the wires like so...hee hee!...tap the little thingies down...come to daddy, you crisp little twenties, you perky little fifties, you lovely little hundreds!...run out the fuse...so long, Middleton Trust and Savings!...okay, a match...grrr, where's a match?...blast, even in a dream I can't find what I need when I need it—
Briiiiinnnnng!
—WHAUGH!
Whu...? Oh.
Grab. Fling. Smash!
Stupd alrm cloc, ruinin m'dream...mmnm...snorfle...hmmmmm...
Rumble.
...Sh'up...
Rumble grumble.
Sh'up!!
RUMBLE.
Stupd stomach, ruinin m'beauty sleep...grrr, might as well get up. Big yawn. Let's open the curtains and welcome a brand new —
Eeeek, that's bright! Why's the sun always so doodlin' bright in the morning? And yet the floor's cold! How can the sun be so big and hot but the floor's like ice? Need my bunny slippers. Where are m'damned bunny slippers?
Oh, forget it, I'll just — yeow, the bathroom tile is way colder! Even the light switch is cold! This makes no sense. I live in the Caribbean, for pete's sake. It's not supposed to be cold. Well, a nice hot shower will—
Yaaaaaaagh!! Cold again! REALLY coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold water ouch stop shiver water coldcoldcold—
Ahhhhhhhh. Better. Water getting warm. Warmwarmwarm. Mmmmm. Hot. Niiiccceeee...
Soap. Where's the soap? Don't drop the soap! Haha!
I really need to figure this out. Turn on the hot tap for hot water, get cold. There must be a better way to do this. I mean, it's simple, right? Hot tap, hot water. Yet it always comes out cold at first. Sure, the water needs to warm up, but let's get real here. Humanity has suffered long enough with this antiquated masochistic system. Hmm. I'll solve the problem, and everyone will declare me a genius! Yes!
GAH! Soap in eyes, soap in eyes! Owowowowow! Don't rub them, don't rub them—
I rubbed them.
STUPID!!
Ahhhhh. Rinse. Good. I guess I closed my eyes fast enough. Remember next time, don't rub! When will I ever learn that? Grrr.
Towel. Yes, there we go. Wipewipewipe! Hang it back up. Mirror—
Yikes, I look awful. Hair's all over the place. Mr. Finger-In-the-Light-Socket Man. Comb...there we go-Yowch! Knot! Oochie-ouch! Pull it apart, gently now, don't tug.... Much better. Now toothbrush. Toothpaste. Brushbrushbrush! Rinse! Spit! There, all nice and sparkly.
Rumble.
Oh for pete's sake, I'll get to you, stomach! Mind if I put on some clothes first?
RUMBLE!
I said zip it or I'll mind control you so you won't be hungry until I say so!
Wait a minute...
Would it be possible to mind control a stomach? A stomach doesn't have a mind. Or does it? It sure seems to think, or at least form words: "Feed me!" That's pretty specific. Hmm. If I could control the impulses of people's stomachs, I could keep them from eating. I could demand they make me ruler of the world or they'd all starve to death! Ha! It's brilliant!
Or...
I could make everyone throw up until they turn the world over to me. Imagine, the entire human populace barfing their brains out, completely at my mercy! Mwahahahaha—
Ew. No, forget that. It's disgusting. Stick with the hunger idea.
Okay, all dressed? Yes, all dressed. Hmm. Hair's still wet. No ponytail yet, it's gotta dry. I'll just have to be Lather-Rise-Obey Guy for awhile.
No, don't go there. Do NOT go there. What a failure THAT was. Getting arrested on national TV...talk about embarrassing...
All right, I'm ready. Another day, another evil scheme!
What the—? The hallway is warm! Why is my room cold when the hallway is warm? I bet Shego's room is warm. Oh yes, it must be warm or she'd have me hanging by my earlobes from a palm tree or something. And the henchmen's quarters must be warm or they'd be whining like a bunch of potty-bottomed babies. So why is my room the only cold one? What's up with this?!
Grrr.
Here we go, down the stairs, round the corner, through the doorway, flip on the light switch—
Ah, there you are, my beloved! My one desire! My sweet little coffee maker! Oh, you wonderful child of man's most ingeniousness...ness! Here we go, hot coffee, nice and strong. Such a bracing aroma! Such unbridled strength! Such a scrumpdilliumshus taste!
Dainty sip. Ah. Bigger sip. Mmmm. BIG SLURRRP! Whoa baby, that definitely puts the pedal to the floor!
Now let's see, what to make for breakfast. Cereal? Meh. Pancakes? Had pancakes yesterday. Eggs and bacon? I'm supposed to be on a diet. Doggone Shego and her, "You're getting a pooch belly, Dr. D!" I'm an evil genius, not an exercise fanatic. I don't go leaping around kung-fuing good guys every day of the week. Sheesh! Oh, all right, razza frazza, nix the eggs and bacon.
Grapefruit?
Blecch.
"DRAKKEN!!"
Uh-oh. Shego. An angry Shego. What did I do now? "Um...good morning, Shego! Er, did you sleep well?"
"What do you think!"
Oh god, she's beautiful first thing in the morning with her hair all goofy and her bathrobe on crooked and—her eyes! What happened to her eyes? They're all puffy and red! And her skin! Her perfect skin! She's all wrinkly and she's got... "Hives?? Shego, what on earth happened to you?"
"What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me! You sent me out last night to jack that stupid Plasmatic Hypertechnic whatever-it-is, and it wasn't guarded by guards! No guards to fight, no safes to crack!"
Waiting...waiting...okay, I'm confused. She's just glaring at me. Oh doodles, I'm in trouble. "Sooooo...?"
"Gas, Dr. D! The whole facility was rigged with itching gas! I barely got out before turning into one giant hive! I swear, I would have killed you in your sleep when I got back but I was itching so bad I spent all night in the bathtub!"
Oh no, she's firing up the plasma! "Shego, really, I had no idea, if I did of course I'd never have sent you—"
"I ought to roast you on a spit and feed you to Dementor's giant weiner dogs!!"
Don't hurt me don't hurt me don't hurt me—
What am I saying? I'm being a jerk! I should be assertive! I'm the boss! "Now, Shego, I fully researched that facility last week, and I assure you there was no sign of any itchy-gas system—"
"That's because it was installed two days ago! Some kind of new trend in high security! I thought you kept up with tech trends, geek boy!"
"Heh heh." I'm screwed.
"Right. Fire in the hole!"
"YEEEEEK-I'll-give-you-a-raise!" WHAT am I saying? I can't say that! I can hardly afford her as it is!
But would I rather she fry my ass?
Okay, raise it is!
Whew. It worked. She's dimmed the plasma.
"A raise, you say? Fine. A grand a week."
ACK...feeling faint...chest pains...uhhhh... No, stop that! She's just cowing me again. Am I going to fall for this every single stupid rotten time?! "Shego, come on, I'm not made of money—" Yikes, the plasma's back up! "Okay okay, a thou a week it is!"
"Deal."
Great. I'm not dead but now I'm very very poor.
"Oh, and I get the rest of the week off."
"But, Shego—" Agh, the plasma! "The rest of the week off? Yes! Fine! No problem! Enjoy yourself! Heh heh."
"And I want you to make eggs and bacon for breakfast."
"But you told me I can't have eggs and bacon."
"Not for you. For me. You can have the grapefruit."
Grrr.
TBC
