How to Kick a Gem's Butt: A Step By Step Guide

Step 1: ready leg

Step 2:move leg in a quick, swooping motion

Step 3: profit

(editor enters)

Step 4: cower at the might of the other gems now coming for you

(writer interjects)

Step 5: prepare leg

Step 6: move your leg quickly in an even wider arc

Step 7: profit

(editor angrily takes keyboard away from writer in an attempt to save the guide)

Step 8: be stopped by Garnet

Step 9: bend over

Step 10: kiss your a** goodbye

(writer rises from the ashes to finish what he started)

Step 11: realize that as you tried to kiss your own butt, you broke your spine

Step 12: slowly collapse

Step 13: think, "Wow, I sure kicked a lot of a** today."

Step 14: die

(writer quickly submits guide to the editor's disdain and dies peacefully)