I rode into Amphipolis as the sun was setting in the western skies. I carefully balanced the sleeping woman in front of me and directed Argo to the inn where I had grown up.
My mother was standing outside.
"Hello, Xena." A smile adorned her face like a crown.
"Hello, Mother." I asked her to take the sleeping Gabrielle upstairs to my old room while I brushed down and watered Argo in the stables. After completing my task, I grabbed my saddlebags, patted Argo one last time and bid her goodnight before walking into the house. I walked up the stairs to my room and found her sleeping on my bed, her flowing blond hair creating a beautiful contrast to the whitness of the pillow. I threw down the saddlebags and sat down on the edge of the bed, listening in silent fascination to the rhythm of her breathing and watching her chest rising and falling.
I couldn´t resist the temptation and reached out to stroke her hair. It was soft and looked like spun gold against my white fingers.
I turned around when a cough could be heard from the doorway. It was mother, regarding me silently with her blue eyes which mirrored mine. Her hands were crossed over her chest.
"Can I see you in the kitchen, daughter?" It was a demand, not a request and I reluctantly followed behind. I, the Destroyer of Nations, would rather have wanted to meet an army alone then to have the following conversation with my mother.
Naturally, a plate of food was waiting for me on the table in the kitchen and I dug in ravenously. It was only when my hunger had been mostly satiated that my mother dared to broach the topic of Gabrielle with me.
"When are you planning on telling her, Xena?"
"Telling her what?" I questioned with my mouth full.
"Xena!" my mother admonished. "Don´t talk with your mouth full."
I swallowed a drink of wine from the cup beside the dish and then repeated my question.
"That you love her."
"I don´t!" I feigned ignorance but Cyrene knew me better then that.
"I take that as an indication that you have no intention of informing her of your feelings."
I suddenly lost my appetite and listlessly pushed the dish away. I looked up into my mother´s blue eyes, filled with concern and worry. She knew now, and wasn´t the type to let the matter go. I was forced to explain my way of thinking; after all it was the only way to get her off my back.
"To tell you the truth, I was worried about telling you. I feared your reaction."
My mother gave a wry smile. "I know you, my daughter, better then you do yourself. I remember how you followed Aria around that summer when you turned thirteen. That´s when I understood that the personality mattered more to you then the gender of the person involved. "
"My feelings for Gabrielle certainly caught me by suprise. I figured that if I ignored them, they might perhaps..."
"...go away? My mother suggested.
I nodded.
"And now, you have found evidence to the contrary?"
I nodded again. "Each time I see her I want to tell her the truth. It´s killing me to bear this burden, to lie to the person I love most in this world."
"Then tell her," my mother suggested.
"Aside from the obvious hindrances, there are impossible obstacles."
"Such as?"
I arose from my chair and looked out the window onto the quiet street outside, lit by torches on the walls of the houses. "Even if she felt the same, I couldn´t expose her to such a risk."
"Whyever not?" My mother seemed struggling to understand my reasoning but couldn´t quite wrap her head around it.
"Because of who I am." I turned to my mother. "I am the Destroyer of Nations, The Lioness of Amphipolis. I have killed hundreds, ruined the lives of thousands. How would some of the people whose lives I´ve destroyed react if they found out about Gabrielle?"
"You mean they might take revenge?"
"I took their happiness and therefore, they will try to take mine."
"You have enemies who would do this?" The voice of my mother was incredulous and I sighed silently. How could I explain to this intelligent, but realistic woman who prided herself on home and hearth, Ares and Callisto´s way of thinking? That to Ares I was a powerful weapon to be wielded at will? That to Callisto I was her Maker, and she considered me responsible for the innocent people she murdered in cold blood? I thought of Ares throwing Gabrielle against a tree or Callisto wielding a knife to her throat and shuddered.
"Yes. Now, can you understand why I cannot endanger Gabrielle?" My mother walked towards me and cupped my cheek with her hand as I gazed down on her. "I love her, Mother. I can´t loose her."
Cyrene nodded in silent understanding, caressing my cheek with her thumb absent-mindedly. I kissed her palm with my lips, grateful to have someone who finally understood.
My mother´s hand fell down to her side. "Is this the reason you haven´t sent Gabrielle back home, either?"
"I may be able to deny myself her love, but I´m not a goddess. I keep her with me because it´s better then not to have her here at all."
My mother pulled me down into an embrace and I held on much like a drowning man would his only means of escape.
I pulled away and sat back down in the seat I´d vacated earlier. "You hardly summoned me home to interrogate me about Gabrielle?" I took another drink of wine as I waited for her response.
My mother sat down across the table from me. "A man came into the tavern a week ago, looking for you."
"Surely, you told him that I´m not a sword for hire." I grabbed a grape from my plate and munched on it as I waited for my mother to continue.
"Yes, I did," Cyrene supplied. "However, he told me to summon you, that he needed you urgently but you would not have come if he asked. You know each other, apparently." My mother went to a sidetable, retrieved a package wrapped in linen and handed it to me. "He told me to give you this."
I raised an eyebrow as I unwrapped the package. Inside was a wooden horse I had carved long ago and given to... I closed my eyes and the image of him came flooding back.
Like lightning, I was suddenly out of my chair and asking where I could find the man. My mother told me he was living in an encampent a mile outside of Amphipolis, beneath the old oak. I kissed her on her cheek, thanked her for the food, asked her to look after Gabrielle, and ran outside in the direction she had given me.
