The Loft:
Nick's two favorite planets have been sore longer than usual, and Jess is a few days late. She waits until Nick goes to work at the bar to take the test. She loves Nick, and their relationship is going so much better than she could ever have anticipated, but they haven't even said "I love you" yet so there is no way to know how Nick will handle news like that. Jess doesn't even know if Nick wants to be a father. It's better to leave him in the dark for the time being. At least until she knows for sure.
"Jess-ICKAH!" Schmidt's unique cadence screams at her from behind the bathroom door. "My bathroom is on the fritz and Remy is busy with that new weird couple who moved in on the first floor, let me in!"
"Go away Schmidt." Her voice is downtrodden and cracks a little bit. She has her back up against the bathroom door and she sits on the floor. She holds the test with the plus symbol in her palm. On the other side of the door she can hear Schmidt slump to the floor as well. His back is against the door. He speaks to her through the door.
"You okay, Jess? Did a child urinate on you again at work?"
"No. That was one time Schmidt. Pee must be on your mind. Do you need to go that badly because I can pull it together. I'll just close my eyes."
"That is dis-gust-ing, Jessica and I'll pretend you didn't say it. Besides, I already went. I was wearing my stadium buddy anyway just in case."
Winston appears on the scene holding Ferguson and humming something that sounds like "Everybody know. Fergie gotta go.." "Schmidt, what are you doing here?"
"What are you doing taking your cat into the bathroom? Has all pretense of cleanliness gone straight out the window now that I'm not here?!"
"Ferguson needs to pee."
"Your cat uses the toilet?"
"I wasn't planning on telling anyone that."
Jess speaks from the bathroom. "I already knew, Winston. I caught you once but I didn't want to hurt your feelings. The way you coaxed the pee out of him. It was really touching."
Winston points at the door and gives Schmidt an inquisitive face.
"Oh Jess is carrying Nick's baby," Schmidt says matter of factly.
"WHAT?" Jess and Winston yell together. Jess whips open the bathroom door and Schmidt falls into the bathroom. "How can you possibly know that?"
"I smell like a Puma, Jessica. Your urine reeks of baby."
"Well you're wrong. The test was negative."
"Well let's see it then," Schmidt holds out his hand, changes his mind and pulls it back. He unrolls his sleeve and pulls it down over his hand so he doesn't have to touch her pee. "Okay, now give it to me."
Winston squeezes by the two of them and grabs the bathroom door.
"If you guys don't mind. I know this is an awkward moment and all, but Fergie really does need to pee."
The Bar:
Nick wipes down the bar and Tran sits silently. There are four Fresca cans in front of him. He holds up his hand to Nick.
"Another one Tran? Don't go getting Fresca drunk on me you crazy devil. Alright. Another Fresca, coming up. You still haven't given me your card or opened a tab or anything, but I trust you buddy."
Tran smiles and stares straight ahead. Nick continues talking and throws the bar towel over his shoulder. He leans on his elbows and puts his face in his hands.
"Lemme ask you something, Tran. Do you think I'd be a good father? I mean, because my father was terrible at it, and I'm not very good at taking care of myself, so I don't know if I should give myself any more responsibility, but part of me disagrees. It's like I always told myself—Nick you don't want a baby, and I made myself believe it. But I think what I actually believed was that I didn't want to have a baby with Caroline. Did I ever tell you about the time she brought it up?"
FLASHBACK: Nick and Caroline are in a suburban backyard standing on an outdoor patio. Caroline watches the kids in the yard playing and turns to Nick.
"Would you ever consider having kids?"
Nick immediately panic moonwalks. He forgets that he's on an outdoor patio and falls off the side. He falls into the man who is flipping he burgers on the grill, causing him to fall ONTO the grill face first.
BACK TO PRESENT.
"Grillface still hates me for that, Tran. But it was an important moment in my life. But what If I've been reading it wrong? What if it wasn't as important as I thought it was? Maybe I was just realizing for the first time that day that Caroline is a terrible person. Dammit Tran, you get it. You really get it and I appreciate it. Next Fresca's on the house."
Tran smiles ahead. He doesn't move. Nick throws his bar towel down.
"You know what, I'm gonna go tell Jess that. I'm gonna go tell her that I'm not scared by it. I'm not scared to have her baby. I mean—you know what I mean, Tran. Cover me at the bar will ya? Great, thanks."
Nick rushes out of the bar to go home to the loft and share his epiphany with Jess. When he opens the front door Jess and Schmidt are wrestling on the floor. Schmidt is trying to pry something out of Jess's sock. Winston comes out of the bathroom holding Ferguson.
