A/N:

Ke. Hehehe.

Yes, this is a new story. I reserve the right to write whatever I like when I want to. This is... This is so bad, so insane, so STUPID-! That I had to name it a separate story, rather than shoving it in Rein Hellfire's Ramblings.

This story is going to be terrible. Join me on this small canoe, while I travel up Shit's creek without my trusty paddle.

Curse my muse. And my own, twisted, distorted sense of humor. And you might as well curse the fucking moron who PM'ed me specifically to call me a horrible writer.

Let's get to it.

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to TV Tokyo and Masashi Kishimoto. This is only a parody (Comedy!? Horror? Tragedy?). Please support the official release.

Now, usually I would put something witty here, but I'm plumb out of ideas. Hmm...

(Insert generic funny statement here).

Viewer discretion. Is horribly advised. This is not good. Turn back now. This is the last stop, before you cross the precipice. You have been warned.

A dark, shadowed figure clears his throat and begins talking in a wise sagely voice.

"And so it begins. As they say, the road of a thousand steps begins with-"

(Generic record scratching noise)

Eye twitch.

"... Very well then. I'll cut to the chase. This is a story of love, of-"

(Record scratching noise)

"... Really? Fine. This is a shitty self-insert fic created by an insane author one dark, stormy night because he was hyped up on caffeine, set in a universe that's just perfect for bashing. THIS. IS. A. PARODY. Got it? Got it?! GOT IT!"

The figure storms off of his podium.

"I'M fucking leaving the shit-train now! I'm done! Done! KEKE! BWAHAHA!"

Clunking sounds can be heard as he storms off the set.

"FUCK YOU! I'M DONE!"

A small man in a folding chair raises the brow of a baseball cap labeled 'The Author'.

"Well fuck." He says. "This isn't... Good."


The man woke up in a strange... Strange world.

First of all. This wasn't his house. He wasn't in his house anymore-

Wait. Since when did he have a house?

Never mind. This guy's supposed to be a generic Gary Stu self-insert. Don't question the Gary Stu.

Strange.

He took a moment to survey his surroundings. Now, normally an author would describe the surroundings in excruciating detail so as to exemplify the sheer 'awesomeness' of their self-insert character, but I'm a lazy man. So, he's in a nice house... Wearing nice clothes.

Okay? This is acceptable, right?

I'm not even going to go into detail about his looks and waste half a page. He... Looks acceptable. Like, I don't know? Pick a movie actor, or actress if that's your thing. I don't even care.

Anyway... This man looks around and smiles, because he knows his mission.

To train the young Naruto Uzumaki in the ways of the Ninja, and bash the horrendously stupid Sasuke and Sakura. To have the young boy shit on the village, the council, his twin sister and not-deceased parents-

Yes, I'm going there. Every cliche will be touched upon in this fic.

-And then to die stupendously, in a terrifically magnificent fashion. Yes. This is his destiny. His role! His DUTY!

And as he opens his obnoxiously handsome mouth with overly-sparkly teeth (Sparklier than Edward Cullen) to speak something idiotically noble about honor and duty and friendship and the power of love-

A shotgun shell takes off his head. His beautiful body crumples to the ground in slow motion. Blood spurts everywhere.

In the distance, a man named Rein Hellfire lowers his weapon.

"Yeah, fuck this shit." He deadpans.

There is work to be done.


"I'm going there." Rein says. "I am making it my priorgative-"

He shrugs.

"Yes. That is intentionally mis-spelled. The word is PREROGATIVE. I know that, don't whine to me about it. This fanfic is SUPPOSED to parody the various bad constants of Naruto fanfiction."

A small blond boy runs past him as he continues walking down the streets of Konoha.

A mob runs past, screaming random obscenities about the 'demon'.

"I mean, yes my spelling and syntax and what-not isn't the greatest, but come on! There IS a difference between 'your' and 'you're' you know. And don't get me started on 'there', 'their' and 'they're'..."

Rein Hellfire cranes his head around to observe the raging mob of Konoha civilians cornering a small blond boy.

"Here we go. Cliche number one. The 'angry mob' scenario."

The mob closes in further. Now that is a clear violation of personal space if you ask me.

... Moving on.

"Noooow... This is the part where a random thing- Man, boy, alien, woman, demon, Optimus Prime, dragon, you name it... Comes in and saves the poor Naruto from a demented horde of smelly, usually drunk and ugly villagers."

Rein Hellfire readies his weapons...

He turns away.

"Usually, that's the case. However, in this fanfic, I'm mocking all of the cliches. Or trying to at any rate."

He smirks.

"I mean, the 'mob' scenario is SO overdone." Rein Hellfire continues. "I've read so many horri-bad fics that begin like that..."

"NOW! LET'S KILL THE DEMON LIKE THE 'DESPICABLE SCUM' WE'RE ALWAYS PORTRAYED AS!"

"YEAH! LET'S KILL THE DEMON AND MAKE IT SUFFER OUR PAIN... Even though we're not in pain... WHO CARES!?"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING!"

"I HAVE NO IDEA!"

Young Naruto screams in agony as his young, innocent body is-

A giant meteor crashes in and crushes the mob, somehow not crushing the boy.

"... Okay..."

And then Kami speaks.

"Oh dear god. No, not capital G 'God'. Just a generic..."

He throws his hand into the air.

"And here we go. The 'Kami is disgusted by the idiotic village and tries to heal Naruto' thing. Another... I... Flurgen..."

For the record, I do say flurgen. Sometimes.

A bright light carries Naruto away.

"And the way this goes... Is that Naruto wants revenge on Konoha. But more on that later."

Rein Hellfire turns to the screen.

"Now, this is usually where authors would insert pathetic pleas for reviews. But I'm not going to bother, because this is genuinely bad."

He turns and observes the sky.

"Tune in next time... If there is a next time... For more idiocy. Insanity. You know. A comprehensive dissection of fanfiction by an inept student. It's not going to be pleasant. It's not going to be fun. But... It's entertaining to write."

He flashes a thumbs up at the screen.

"See you all... Up the creek, into the shit-storm."

Rein Hellfire pauses.

"Incidentally, is it actually possible to copulate with a deity? Because those two are getting it ON up there. Which is kind of weird and freaky, because Naruto is generally a child in these stories..."

A/N:

Cliches touched upon:

-Angry Mob scene.

-Kami-saves-Naruto scene.

I'm going now. Updates for all my stories are going to be protracted, because of the stupid author who took precious time out of his day to put me down as well as school.

Don't offer feedback. Nothing can save this train-wreck of a story.