A Child of Our Own

April 1881

Chapter 1

The Barkley mansion was full to the brim on a Saturday evening. For the first time in many weeks, everyone had come for drinks and dinner. Jarrod and Maggie were there with J.J., who at six months was already beginning to get his feet under him, if only wobbly and briefly. Audra and Carl had come, relaxing after a day of running the annual fundraiser for the orphanage. Nick and Heath had brought Nancy and Suzanne from town, and Victoria was pleased to just sit and talk and enjoy everyone's company.

J.J. was still struggling to mostly crawl, but he was now trying to pull himself up to standing by gripping the edges of the settee and the chairs. Everyone was amazed at how fast he was trying these things. His parents had to be more vigilant, because in true Jarrod Barkley style, he spotted and started pulling himself for the scotch whenever anyone who was drinking put a glass down on any surface.

"You're going to have to do something about that child and his drinking problem," Victoria said.

"We have our eyes on him," Jarrod assured her. "And I keep my stash just as well hidden at home as I keep it here."

"You still have some scotch stashed away here?" Victoria asked. "Where?"

"Only one bottle left, but it wouldn't remain hidden for long if I told you where it was," Jarrod said with a twinkle in his eye. "Let's just say that it's safely out of sight and out of reach of these sneaky little fingers of my son's – and my brothers."

Nick and Heath both shot him dirty looks, but then began to smile.

"J.J.'s looking more and more like you every day," Heath said.

"And any minute now he's gonna start spouting off precedents and legal arguments," Nick said.

"He does like books already," Maggie said, "but he likes tearing the pages out more than anything."

"He got that straight from his father," Victoria said. "He did the same thing when he was small."

They continued to talk about J.J.'s adventures for several minutes, but Audra kept to herself rather than join in. She was sitting on Carl's lap in one of the armchairs. Carl kept an arm around her, both to keep her balanced and to make sure that she knew that he understood what she was feeling and his love was there for her.

Audra had known for several months that she could not have children of her own, and her heart was still broken. Aside from Carl, only Jarrod and her mother knew her situation. She had never told Nick or Heath or anyone else. It was too difficult to talk about, and the subject had never come up, but suddenly, it did.

Nick did it. "Audra, you ready to bring us another J.J. anytime soon?"

Audra didn't know what to say. After an awkward silence, she said, "It just hasn't happened for us yet."

Nick realized right away he'd hit a touchy subject. "Well, one J.J. is probably enough in this house for a while."

They went on to another subject and talked for another twenty minutes or so before Silas came out and announced that dinner was served. As they all got up and went into the dining room, Jarrod took a moment to put an arm around his sister and giver her a little hug. She smiled at him.

Everyone noticed it, and those who did not know what Audra was going through realized that there was something going on.

XXXXXXX

Maggie had gotten J.J. to sleep, and Jarrod was crawling into bed with her later that night when the subject came up again. They kissed and settled in together, and Jarrod turned out the lamp beside the bed.

And Maggie asked, "Is everything all right with Audra and Carl?"

"As far as I know," Jarrod said.

"She seemed a bit withdrawn tonight after Nick asked her about having a baby," Maggie said.

"Yes, I noticed," Jarrod said.

"You don't think there's a problem there, do you?"

Jarrod leaned over and kissed his wife. "If there is, it's Audra's prerogative to keep it to herself."

"I just care about her."

"I know. I do, too."

"You don't have to tell me everything you know – but whatever it is, she's going to be all right, isn't she? She and Carl are all right, aren't they?"

Jarrod knew that try as he might, he couldn't keep much from his wife. She knew he knew more than he was telling. "Yes, she's going to be all right, and she and Carl are better than ever."

Maggie knew that she would get no more out of him. When he was keeping someone else's secret, he kept it tight. But it was enough to know that the problem wasn't something that threatened the Wheelers' marriage. She kissed Jarrod, and they settled in together for the night.

XXXXXXX

Audra and Carl were settling into bed at about the same time. Audra had been quiet all night, even after they rode home. Carl understood why, and he did not press her on it, until they were in bed and the lights were out.

There is something about darkness that makes the truth come out, as if the darkness itself were some kind of defense against painful revelations. Carl kissed his wife and then said, "Nick kind of got to you, didn't he?"

"Yes," Audra said.

"He doesn't know."

"No. Only Mother and Jarrod know."

"You think maybe everyone else ought to know? I know Nick would feel terrible if he hurt you, even without knowing he was hurting you."

Audra sighed and tried to keep from crying, but this subject always brought tears, even when she tried not to let it happen. "I don't know how I'd begin to tell such a thing to him or Heath. With Jarrod, it just came out, but Jarrod is different. I could always tell him things, and they would find a way of coming out even if I didn't want them to. It's not that way with Nick or Heath."

"I can tell them."

Audra was surprised he'd said that. "I don't know."

Carl ran a finger down the side of Audra's face, and when he felt a tear, he brushed it away. "Let me tell them, Audra. I know how private it is for you, but they're family. They really need to know. You'll feel better if there's no secret lying around."

Audra considered that. Carl had been right in the beginning, when he told her she should tell her mother what was wrong. Audra did tell her, and it did help her feel better. "All right. If you think there's a time you should talk about it with them, go ahead, and let them tell Suzanne and Nancy."

Carl kissed her again. "Do you know how much I love you?"

"I do," Audra said, sincerely. "I really do."

"May I show you?"

"Oh, yes. Definitely."

XXXXXXX

At the same time, Victoria was settling in for sleep as well. She had been restless and came down for some warm milk, and as she sat in the settee in the living room, trying to relax, she remembered how Nick had asked, and how awkward the response had been.

Her heart ached for her daughter, both because she could not have children of her own but also because she didn't yet realize that it wasn't the worst thing in the world. Of course, it was a feeling that Victoria herself could never fully understand, she knew that. What troubled her was that she could not find a way to comfort Audra.

She tried to imagine her life without any of her children. She then remembered that Heath was not her baby, and she tried to imagine what she would have felt like if he had come here, as he did, when none of her children had ever been born. She knew, deep in her soul, that she would have welcomed Heath even more sincerely, and even more joyously, than she did.

Victoria knew that if Audra decided to adopt a child, it would be the best decision she ever made. As she finished her milk, Victoria decided that she had to find some way to make Audra see that. She understood how Audra believed that adopting one of the children from the orphanage might make the others feel rejected, but there had to be a way around that. There had to be some way that Audra could adopt a child as her own.